A/N. lol. I'm sorry

I woke up with a start, tears pouring from my eyes. Arms were wrapped protectively around me, but that only panicked me even more.

Calling out Eunhyuk's name in the darkness, I looked over to his bed to see he wasn't there. Did he leave after our fight? , I need someone right now.

"Eunhyuk," I cried, my body racking with tears as I tried to shake the nightmare off. Another ing one, but this one was so...vivid.

"What?" a voice asked sleepily from beside me, causing me to jump in surprise. "Are you okay, Donghae?"

Oh.

I bit my lip, now wanting so desperately to pretend I hadn't woken up and got his attention. I was supposed to be mad at him and here I was, crying for his help.

"Donghae," he repeated, sitting up now. I almost laughed at his sleepy eyes and hair all over the place, but I was too damn ed up. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, unable to speak. Tears still spilled from my eyes as I shivered, wishing I could get the horrible feeling out of my chest.

"You had a nightmare?" he quessed, inching closer to me. I moved away from him slightly, nodding my head. "Want to talk about it?" I shook my head.

A loud sigh from Eunhyuk. "I know it doesn't seem fun to talk about things like this, but sometimes it really helps get things off your chest."

"H-How would you know?" I asked weakly, my voice cracking and .

"Well," he started, pressing his lips in a thin line. "I told you about Sungmin, didn't I? And I cried and acted a ing mess, but now look at where I am. Sitting in bed with my amazing boyfriend."

I looked away when a blush started forming on my cheeks, wiping viciously at the tears on my face. "I guess I can talk about it," I whispered, rubbing my swollen eyes.

Eunhyuk remained silent, waiting for me to start. Not pressuring me, not pushing me, just waiting patiently. 

"I, um- I think they're about my past," I started, my voice sounding far away and confused. Eunhyuk nodded his head to show he was listening, but he didn't interrupt. 

"I never knew the story of my mom. In fact, my whole childhood is kind of blank. I guess I don't really remember much up to the age of nine or ten maybe? My dad never really told me the story of my mom either.

"All I knew is that she 'went away.' He never said she died, but I think I always got the impression that she did. I don't know, I wasn't very emotional growing up."

"Hm," Eunhyuk commented, making me shoot him a "shut the hell up" look. He did.

"Nothing was ever a big deal to me. Oh, I smoke now. Cool. Oh, I like guys. Sure, whatever. is fun. Yeah, okay. Nothing ever really had much of an emotional impact on me, life was just...life. It just was what it was. I didn't ask questions, I never felt the need to.

"But uh, I think my dreams might be like...memories from my childhood that I haven't been able to remember. I really hope they're not legit from my childhood because it's ing gruesome as , but what if they are?" my voice shook as I ranted, the growing fear creeping on me. "What if I couldn't remember because my mind willed me to forget, you know? Maybe my past was so ing mentally scarring that it was easier to pretend it didn't happen."

"Donghae," Eunhyuk said slowly, quietly, his face growing with concern. "What are your dreams?"

"My mom," I choked, looking over at Eunhyuk. "Holy hell, Eunhyuk, she was a terrible ing person."

Strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me towards a hard, firm chest that I knew was my boyfriend's. "The things she did to me," I sobbed, shaking my head. "I really hope they aren't true."

"How could you find out?" he asked, my hair.

Her grinning above me. 

Her hands on me.

The cuts on my skin. 

The constant pain.

The odd pleasure.

The screams and cries of other people - but where were they?

It all flashed in my head, making me squeeze my eyes shut and take in a shallow, ragged breath. "She was horrible," I yelled frantically, digging my nails into Eunhyuk's skin. "I have to ask my father."

"How?" Eunhyuk wondered, tilting his head. 

"Well it's summer break in a month, I can go home then. I know I said that I'd stay here at your house with you, but-"

"No, Donghae. I understand," Eunhyuk said with sad, yet understanding eyes.

"You do?"

"Completely. Are you sure you don't want me to come with you, though?" 

I thought about it, chewing on my bottom lip as I did so. As nice as it would be to have Eunhyuk there with me, supporting me and holding me when I learned the truth, I knew my dad would never tell me something like that when someone else was there. I wasn't even sure he would tell me at all.

"This is something I think I have to do alone," I whispered painfully. I really did want him to come, but I needed answers. 

His lips found my forehead in a soothing kiss. "Okay, but if you need me, ever, while you're there, just call. I'll get the first plane ticket out to see you if I have to."

I smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. "Can you do me a favor?" I blurted.

"Sure, what is it?" 

"Can you, um, check something for me?"

Eunhyuk gave me a concerned look, nodding. "Yeah," he replied slowly.

"Can you, this sounds weird but, can you look at my thigh, the very inner part, really high up, close to where my starts?"

Eunhyuk gave me a weird look, but complied. "What am I looking for?"

"A scar. Kind of like...a special marking of some sort."  

With cold fingertips, Eunhyuk brushed my boxers up my leg, looking for the scar. "Holy ," he whispered, looking up at me with an awe struck expression. "Did you do this to yo-"

"My mom," I said in a hollow voice, dread stabbing me in the gut. 

Eunhyuk's eyes widened, his body sliding back up near mine, his face paling almost to the color of my own, which was damn pale for Eunhyuk. I gulped, gnawing on my lip.

It was all becoming more and more realistic by the second.

Warm arms wrapped gently around my waist, Eunhyuk's body protecting me in a sorts as his lips met my ear. He whispered softly, "I'm so sorry. For everything. Your mom, your nightmares, and my terribly good abilities at ing things up. I'm so sorry."

---------------------------

He lied. He ing lied.

Of course he lied, though. He's Lee ing Hyukjae.

I'm not going to say that Eunhyuk wasn't sorry about my nightmares, because he was. But that was the only damn time he was decent towards me! 

I can't even explain the tension between us right now, it's so damn thick. All because he can't take it like a man.

Yes, the problem has been reoccuring, more dramatically than in the past and it's tearing us apart. I think it's so ing stupid how something as small and unimportant as that is such an immature thing to fight about yet it has the ability to ruin us. But Eunhyuk has problems with dominance and he's not even trying to fix them.

Every night, I wake up with increasingly worse nightmares. And despite whatever fight is going on, he was always there to comfort me. That's all he did, though. Console me after my nightmares but otherwise he was just a ing mess.

I know something more serious is going on with him, but he refuses that anything is wrong. It either has to do with his dad or his feelings. Two things Eunhyuk reacts horribly to. 

It's tearing us apart. My constant fear of my nightmares has scarred me into an odd daze. Often times I just find myself staring into space, lost in my thoughts, which aggravates Eunhyuk because I never listen to anything he says.

But when things are good, Eunhyuk is the one who ruins them. He can't just do the simple task of letting my in his . He enjoys it a ing lot the rare times that he actually let's me, but it's a constant battle just to get him to submit? It shouldn't be like that. 

I haven't seen Eunhyuk in three days. He just disappeared to IU's dorm after a fight one night, looking ing pissed and broken and I didn't stop him. I wish I did, though, because I've woken up in fear the past three nights in a row and been all alone.

We're still hanging on, though. I know we are because it's inevitable that right now we basicallyneed each other. 

I need Eunhyuk to comfort me.

He needs me so that he can understand the answer is not always yes.

That's why, tonight, we are going to a carnival of sorts. People here in Seoul probably call it something different, but that. A carnival is a carnival.

Eunhyuk promised that tonight will be perfect, just like things used to be. No dominance fights tonight, no talk about my nightmares, just a romantic two month anniversary. 

I really hope it goes as well as Eunhyuk has planned because tonight is our last night together before I leave for my dad's house for the whole entire length of the summer break.

I'm not sure yet if Eunhyuk and I are going to stay together. I hope it's possible. Maybe we need some space to clear our heads for a bit from each other, without breaking up. Just distance, which is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but my last long distance relationship was .

I might just miss Hyukjae, but by getting answers about my mother, I am hoping to end my nightmares and then maybe I won't need him. That's a ing scary as hell thought, but I fear it's true.

I'm trying so damn hard though, and that's exactly why I'm knocking on IU's door at approximately 7, refusing to be late for once. Tonight's supposed to be perfect? Fine.

"Donghae," Eunhyuk breathed when he saw me. An emotion that had been hiding the past three days swelled inside me and an overwhelmed smile grew on my face.

"Hey," I said quietly, biting on my lip.

"Ready to go?" he questioned, stepping into the hallway and grasping my hand. Oh, the warmth his hand brought me. The warmth I seemed to have forgotten.

I nodded and followed him down the hallways and to his car. "So you're all packed up?" I questioned, making conversation.

"Yeah, I moved my stuff into IU's room since we're both going to the same place this time around. That also means that I'll be going in a limo with her to our house considering we're not leaving Seoul, but the only thing I haven't packed is Cuddles. I left her for you to help with your nightmares."

My cheeks heated. I hadn't even noticed the small bear yet, but it was a really sweet gesture. "Thanks. Have you slept well without it, though?"

"The real question is," he started, slipping into the car, "have you slept well with it?"

I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him I hadn't even seen Cuddles yet, so I avoided that part when answering, "My sleep is still as ed up as ever. I can't wait to get home and get answers."

Eunhyuk remained silent. Thinking about what? I don't know, but I did know that Eunhyuk beats himself up about things even if he knows he can't fix them. "Eunhyuk," I said, gripping one of his hands tightly as he drove. "There's nothing you can do to stop them."

"There has to be something," he muttered, taking a left.

"I can't even do anything, I'm helpless to the nightmares. Don't let this bother you, okay? We're going to have a good night."

He nodded, his hand gripping mine tightly. "Yeah, you're right," he replied, a small smile turning up on his lips.

I kissed his cheek lightly to soothe his thoughts, just like old times. Tonight was going like nothing was wrong, and it was ing beautiful.

"How many tickets?" this lady at the ticket stand asked, looking at us.

Eunhyuk gave her a look like she was a ing idiot and replied, "Two."

She gave us an odd look before handing us the tickets. "That'll be 30000 won."

Eunhyuk grumbled something under his breath before taking out his wallet to pay the lady. "I'll pay for my own," I told him, reaching in my pocket.

"Do you even have Korean money?" he questioned, raising a brow. I shook my head, feeling dumb. "I would've paid even if you did."

He handed the lady the note and grabbed my hand, giving the people at the entrance the ticket to the carnival. 

"Welcome, have fun!" the greeters who took our tickets said joyfully, grinning at us.

I rolled my eyes and curled into Eunhyuk's side as his arm wrapped around my shoulder, holding me close. 

"We can go eat first, or we can do those games over there, or we can ride rides. Only if you want. If you don't, then-"

"Eunhyuk," I cut him off from his rant, laughing, "This isn't our first date or something, relax."

He gave me an embarrassed grin, shrugging his shoulders. "I just want tonight to be perfect."

"Then just let perfect happen," I eased, pecking his lips. That felt so ing good to do. "Let's go eat?"

He nodded his head, a blush noticeably on his cheeks even under the night sky. "Where at?"

"We can just grab a quick bite from one of the food stands."

"Okay," he agreed, dragging me to one of his 'favorite food places at the carnival' or something. 

"Does this thing come around yearly?" I asked as we ate...food. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was good.

"Yeah, I go every year. Usually with IU, who I have to drag here because she hates places like this. I hope you don't hate places like this, too."

I rolled my eyes at his worries, nudging him with my elbow. "It's just fun to be with you, Eunhyuk. We could be in Antarctica, freezing our asses off and I wouldn't give a ."

He scratched the back of his neck, giving me a look. "That's a bit dramatic. Well, I guess for you it's not so dramatic."

"What are you saying?" I snapped my head towards him, narrowing my eyes.

"I was just saying, you overexaggerate sometimes," he mumbled quietly, avoiding my gaze.

"I do not!" I defended frowning.

He gave me an incredulous look. "Donghae, you're seriously the most dramatic person I know."

"Liar," I shot at him, glaring.

"I'm not lying! Seriously, Donghae. I didn't mean that offensively, I was just pointing it out. I don't mind it, I think it's cute," he told me sheepishly.

I just huffed and looked away, eating my surprisingly good foreign food. "Aw, Donghae, don't be like that. You know I was only kidding."

A smile began to slip on my face so I quickly turned my head away, hiding it from him. "You were not," I replied stubbornly.

"I know you're smiling, Donghae," he said in a teasing tone, his lips at my ear.

"Am not," I lied, my smile only growing.

Eunhyuk laughed, pressing a small kiss to my shoulder. "Let's stop sitting on this bench and walk around, hmm?"

"Hmm," I replied, standing nonetheless. 

Eunhyuk laughed, his arms wrapping around my waist. "Look at me, Donghae."

I spun around without hesitation, a grin wide on my face. Eunhyuk gave me a knowing look, his lips meeting mine.

Rather than letting him continue the night with small kisses, I wrapped my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss to show him what I really wanted. Would he ruin tonight? I feared he would but life is about taking chances.

"Eunhyuk-" I started, giving him a look that silently asked the question I wanted to ask.

"Yes," he answered before I even had to physically ask, a smile slipping on his face. "I'm usually a about it. But tonight, you can."

I grinned widely, my lips meeting his passionately as my heart swelled and jumped and soared and anything else.

"Slow down, there," he whispered, chuckling. "We still have a whole night to enjoy."

I whined but pulled away nonetheless. "Let's go do the Ferris wheel."

Rolling his eyes, Eunhyuk replied. "How cliche of you. I'm going to go to the bathroom but save us a spot in line."

I nodded, glancing over at the long line. "Mmkay," I mumbled as his lips pressed quickly against my temple, me watching him stalk off to the bathroom.

I walked over to the line, beginning to patiently wait in the long mass of people waiting to get on the Ferris wheel.

Someone bumped into my side, causing me to whip around, a glare on my face. "I'm sorry," a deep voice apologized, an apologetic look on their face.

I looked the guy up and down, fighting the urge to my lips at the various tattoos on the tall, skinny guy who had bumped into me. And he had gauges.

Drool.

Wait, no. Not drool.

me.

"It's fine," I said, smiling a little. 

He went to walk away, but not before turning back, biting his lip. "Um, have you happened to see a shorter version of me, without the tats and a bit of chub?"

"No," I said slowly, frowning.

He smiled. "Oh, okay. I was just looking for my little brother. I lost him and I figured he'd be in this line."

"Hm," I commented, smirking. "That, or you secretly just really wanted to ride this Ferris wheel."

He flashed me a grin, tilting his head to the side. "Aw, how'd you know?"

"I'm back," Eunhyuk's familiar voice rang in my ear, his strong arm wrapping around my hips.

"Hey," I said distractedly, not even sparing a glance at him.

The guy smiled and looked between the two of us. "Are you two together?"

"No," I blurted without thinking about it.

Holy

"What?" Eunhyuk spat, shoving himself off of me, giving me a hurt look. "What the hell did you just say?"

The guy gave us an awkward look. "I'm sorry, I just thought by the way you guys were acting that you were-"

"We are," Eunhyuk seethed, his face turning red with anger and embarrassment. "Or at least we were."

He turned to walk away, but I grabbed his arm. "Eunhyuk, stop!" I called out pathetically, wondering how in hell things went so wrong so quickly. All because of my self.

"No!" he shouted, his voice cracking with pain as he whipped around to look at me. "It's always all my fault, huh? Look at you, Donghae! You're not a saint either!"

"I know, I'm sorry!" I cried, regretting ever even talking to the guy. But what was my excuse? I didn't have one.

"No, sorry doesn't work, Donghae. It's just a mothering word. You just denied ever being with me, do you know how that makes me feel? Like a complete ing idiot for ever trusting you! I feel like an because I broke myself down and changed how I acted for you and you threw it all in my ing face."

"Hyukjae," I whined, sprinkles of rain beginning to fall on me.

"Don't call me that," he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I regret ever meeting you."

With those words, he walked away, the rain now pouring and soaking him. His head dropped, his body shaking with a violent sob as I watched his heart break.

As I watched him, my own heart shattered to pieces. The regret I had filling me up inside and making me feel like I was going to explode. I hated this feeling. But the worst part wasn't the emotion of hurt, it was the fact that it was all my ing fault. 

I felt hurt, I felt broken, I felt like I betrayed myself and I betrayed Eunhyuk. I felt like a ing and a dickface for hurting him and it caused me to be hurt in the end. But more than anything else, I felt alone.