i guess one of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.

i called taeyeon, ready to tell her that i'll be going away... far from her, but i can't tell her over the phone i need to see her, i need to hug her, i need to explain things to her.

my heart starts beating rapidly as the thought of being away from kim taeyeon filled my mind, do i really have to do this? do we really need to end up like this? life is really so unfair, is it really possible that two person can love each other but destiny don't want them to be together?

i have so many questions in my life right now.

I'M A MISTRESS.. do i deserve a title like this?

I think I'm loving Kim taeyeon more than myself, cause right now i really don't care what people thinks of me or what names they'd call me.. I'm a mistress in their eyes then so be it, call me a ing toy, a , a family wrecker call me everything that makes them think suited for me. I don't care... i don't care about myself anymore, i only care about taeyeon.

i only care about being happy with taeyeon.

then a knock came on my door.

so this is it. i know that's taeyeon.

she's here.

i have to say goodbye.

do i have to say goodbye?

"come in"
i almost whispered to myself.

"is there something wrong baby?" she quickly asked after opening the door.

i did not say anything. what will i say? what's the first thing to say? how will i start explaining?

she walks towards me, i can feel her the sadness, i know that she knows there is something wrong with me right now.

"baby" she cups my cheeks. "tell me, what's wrong?" she asked me again.

i still can't put into words what i am thinking at the moment so i still did not say anything.

then i feel her hands on my waist, then she grab my shoulders for a hug. a tight hug, but i feel warmed with her embrace. i will miss everything about this girl, i will miss this hug i know it.

but what else can i do? i already made a promise to Mr. Kim and i don't want to.....

"i......i can't..ruin.." with a heavy breathing and a heavy heart i completed what i am trying to say. "i can't ruin a family, i can't take you away from your daughter"

i felt she loosened her hug..

Am i really doing this right now? after all the things we've been through? am i really going to give up now?

she looks at me, her eyes are turning red.

no taeyeon.. don't cry please no.. not now, i need to be strong.

"jessica......" she wiped a tear that falls into her eyes "you're such a beautiful person inside and out. You're everything that i ever wanted"

she's looking into my eyes with full of love and sincerity.

"i know i can't ever find a woman like you anymore, my life without you will going to be really hard for me..."

"taeyeon please.. this is hard for me too" i controlled my tears. i can't be weak. please God give strenght to do the right thing.

"shhhh..." she uses her finger to stop me from talking.. "i know... i know sica.. i know this is hard for you too that's why i want to beat up myself right now for putting you in this situation. I am really sorry my princess"

there she is.. she kneeled infront of me, crying out loud like a baby and i feel like i'm going to explode at anymoment because i can't take this pain in my chest anymore.

"i....i just want you to know that you. KIM TAEYEON, is the woman that i really love, you're my life, my sunshine, my star and my everything, and i can sacrifice my own happiness for your sake. i care about you alot taeyeon, and i want you to become a good mother to your child.. and maybe a good wife to tiffany"

saying that words just added up the pain that i'm feeling at the moment, i just want to run from her or maybe end this situation real fast.

"maybe we'll meet again, when were better for each other.."

that's it. she said that... it means she's agreeing to me, she's agreeing to end our relationship, agreeing to not see me anymore....

that thought made me fall into my knees and cry. i really can't imagine my life without taeyeon but as im seeing right now she's easily giving up too. she's letting me go without a fight.