ENTRY ONE.

Dear Diary,

I cannot explain how odd it is to be doing this, but Soohyun has been telling me that if I don’t belt out my feelings then I just might end up in the psych ward because of bottled up emotions. I might even develop some kind of stress induced disease if I’m not careful and gawd am I too young to die. The poor dongsaeng has been worried sick about me and I don’t blame her, considering the fact that sometimes even I think I’m slightly crazy. Anyways as stupid as I think this whole writing thing is, I’m gonna do it anyways...for the sake of my sanity and the sad fact that I have no one to turn to. Wow, I kind of pity my own self after writing that, but it’s the truth. Being a solo act, I don’t have the convenience of having fellow members to lean on in times of need or to share a laugh with.

So what else is a girl to do but to seek company?

The thing is, that’s easier said than done. Especially if I was just a normal girl and not one who has been deemed a ‘digital monster’.

Today I tried going out. Key word: TRIED. I had literally took a step outside the van in Hongdae when a shriek of a fan nearby literally scared the living out of me. Of course, that led to a domino effect of others to storm around me, cell phones in my face and eyes gawking at me like I’m on display. I couldn’t do anything…and despite trying to desperately convince my manager to give it some time for the crowd to ‘die down’, he said that it would be in my best interest to call it a day. He was worried that they’d trample over my short self. #shortpeopleproblems.

So I’m back at the YG headquarters wasting away, the only voice I hear is that of my wrist watch ticking away.

Here’s a fun secret.  I’m writing this in the empty stairway by the practice rooms. I come here every Thursday at around this time because I can hear the subtle soft notes strummed by a guitar from the room nearby. Before you go off and judge me as being a creeper, they’re the ones who have been stalking me...somehow. You see, for the past month or so, I was told to walk up and down the stairs to ‘lose weight’ (I try to tell trainer Hwangssabu that my cheeks are just naturally plump. There is no way that my face will slim down). Back to the point, my once quiet exercising turned randomly into a listening jam session. Before knowing it, it became a routine. The guitar player was always there during what used to be my lonely Thursdays.

I’ve tried to put a face to the guitarist, but a part of me wants to keep it a mystery.

I know that it’s not Seungyoon-ssi for the mere fact that the WINNER member is way too good to be making all the random mistakes that my anonymous player often stumbles on. And it’s not Chanhyuk because if he was free enough to pick at the fine strings of a guitar, then Soohyun too would have spare time. Meaning, I wouldn’t be killing time by my lonesome in an isolated area instead of doing far better things with my cute dongsaeng. With those two out of the picture, I really have no clue who it may be. It might even end up being one of the new girl trainees. I wouldn’t know since I’m slightly anti-social. I’m barely even on friendly terms with WINNER and iKON with the exception of a handful of them...them referring to only Seunghoon oppa and June.

You don’t know, but I’ve literally sighed a good million times since the start of this entry. What is there to do?

Dear diary, do you know how it feels to be surrounded by many, but still feel lonely?

~~~

ENTRY TWO.

Dear Diary,

Today I came across Junhoe, the stupid June whom I haven’t seen in awhile.

Of course I ran into him in the cafeteria...where else? That abnormally tall dongsaeng was desperately begging the ahjummas for another scoop of rice. Apparently he’s on a one scoop diet. I gave him my share because the poor boy was staring at my pile with eyes of Puss in Boots. I was scared that if I didn’t, he may have eaten me alive. One does not want to experiment the hunger limits of that Koo Junhoe, for he can snap at any moment and become a cannibal. I simply refused to become the first victim in the form of a meal.

But if anyone was going to die at the hands of June, it’s likely going to be Bobby-ssi.

Bobby-ssi appeared almost like magic. I’m never quite skilled with noticing my surroundings, but I’m not kidding you when I say that the American boy was like freaking Harry Potter and popped out of nowhere. He stole June’s yoghurt drink that the boy was preserving for dessert and to shorten things up, let me just say that WWIII broke out right then and there. No deaths this time around. Thank goodness.

The addition of another person was unbearably awkward. I was shooting stares at the younger guy to help out the situation, but he was too preoccupied with scheming a revenge plan for Bobby-ssi to notice my cry for help. And then I did it...the definition of a face palm moment. My foot went flying, intending to hit the one I’m familiar with, but instead it had somehow landed on the other. I pulled a David Beckham and kicked the toothy rapper perfectly on his shin with all my might. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if it was June, considering that boy seemed to have built a protective layer of skin from all the food he consumes to feel much pain. But Bobby-ssi was a different matter, he was thinner and lean. It was definitely stinging the poor guy and I knew that er would leave one nasty bruise. He’s considered to be one of South Korea’s top trends...and I freaking injured him.  I was basically now wishing that Junhoe eat me right then and there at that moment.

Thankfully Bobby-ssi off stage is nothing like the intimidating person he seems to be as a performer. The next thing I knew, I was helping him walk to his dorm. His arm was braced snuggly across me for support as I tried to balance him with every step to the destination. He was heavy to handle, but I didn't dare to mumble a word of complaint because for some reason I liked the close proximity between us two at that moment.  

Honestly though, screw June for acting like a little brat holding grudges on his hyung...that kid literally skipped happily along in front of us, almost teasing Bobby-ssi by repeatedly chanting ‘karma’s a ’. If I wake up tomorrow with a sore back, remind