“!” I punched the door “!” another punch, steps behind me “!” I was ready to throw another punch when Bae kneeled beside me and stopped me.

“Stop…” he said forcing my hand down

“I’m sorry, hyung…I’m a bastard, I’m so sorry”

“It’s ok…”

“No! It’s not!” I yelled and surprised him when I stood up “This is all a ing mess…And don’t try to say it’s not!” I pointed accusingly at him when he was trying to speak “I’m no better than him…maybe even worse. At least I don’t really know for real who he’s ing with” he flinched “while I’m trying to make him jealous using his best friend, member and ing hyung of mine”

“Can you please stop using the word ‘ing’?” he groaned but I ignored him.

“I’m…I’m…I don’t even know why you all still cope with me. I mean…I’m clearly an idiot who fell in love with the leader of his band, known as one of the most famous idols of Korea…I’m so much of an idiot that I let him play with me for years to the point that when he had decided to go another girl because his twisted mind said that we couldn’t stay together, I just let him!” I threw my hands in the air “I was pissed but how much did it last? A month? And then what, uh?” I started going back and forth in front of the mirror, hands in my hair “Then he decided to visit my house, call me and gift me a ing copy of the first ing Christmas gift he gave me after I decided to just let him know how I felt for him” my brain registered Youngbae sigh but it didn’t really process it “I let him with my mind once again, thinking that maybe there was still a hope but of course I should have known that we were talking about JiYoung the psychopath…and in fact, the Dispatch’ pics were released and so we went back to the start” I sighed and fell in front of him, panting because I had half yelled for all this time “Why can’t he just leave me alone? And why can’t I just stop trying to hurt him and make him jealous? Why did he come to me that night on the rooftop? Why did he say that he was sorry? Why did he kiss me?” After that there was a long silence. I was totally absorbed in my own thoughts to notice the painful expression on Bae’s face and his closed fist “And then” I said finally looking up at him “And then there’s you, hyung” he raised an eyebrow, confused “You who were always there, always. Seriously if I stop a little to think at the past, every time I have fought with him you were there to recollect my broken pieces asking nothing in return. And now, now you’ve decided to come out full force and I don’t know what to do” I smiled, a sad smile “The selfish me wants to just take what you have to offer and used it to forget” he flinched at the evident lack of feeling in my statement “But the other me knows that If I do something like that I will just hurt you, badly. And I don’t want to hurt you, hyung” he sighed and slid towards me to wrap an arm around my shoulders “but apparently it’s exactly what I keep doing these days” we looked at each other and then I hid my face on his shoulder, not able to stare back at him. He didn’t say anything to ease my turmoil and I was grateful. Because it was something that I alone need to resolve.

Some days after, we went all together to a fansign event just for the Japanese fans. JVIPs didn’t know I was scheduled to attend so when I entered the location there was a uproar. Fans were already screaming but when they saw me…WOW. It was overwhelming and for a moment I couldn’t speak. I remember I thought “This is why I do my job. This is why I want to be a singer, an entertainer”.  Then I was pulled by TOP hyung to my seat at his right, the very first one of the row.

“Stay here” he said smiling widely at me. He won’t ever admit it but he’s the most happy one when we are all together. After me and TOP, the seat order was: Ji, Bae and Dae. I was slightly worried about Ji and Bae sitting so close to each other but then I reminded myself that they are professionals so…The fan sign went on smoother than expected: the hyungs kept making jokes at me, as usual, and I gladly took them all because it felt like everything went back to normal. There was just one moment of tension when some fans asked me if the hyungs came to visit me at the hospital. For a moment I considered lying but then I thought: why not?

“Taeyang and Daesung came to visit me. TOP hyung called me often but he was angry because I broke the porche” I smiled widely and TOP chuckled. The fans were simply amused. “JiYong hyung…” somehow I could feel the tension in the other four “He was very busy so he didn’t come even once nor he emailed me. But for that he’s very sorry” the fans went all ‘aaaww’ and I smiled. With the corner of my eyes I could see the fake smile on Ji and his little bow as if he was saying sorry for his behavior. I have to admit that revenge has a very bittersweet taste.

After some other crazy minutes – including a high pitching song from TOP- the fansign came to an end. We reached for our van (incredibly we were all riding the same car) and got on. I took the seat near the window on the last row and before someone could actually even try to follow me, Ji sat beside me: I froze. I looked petrified at him and then my eyes went quickly to Bae who was looking at me with a worried look.

“Come on” Ji said “we don’t have much time”

Seunghyun hyung sighed and tapped Bae shoulder to urge him. When we were all on the van our manager started driving. The silence was almost hurting. Too deep. Five minutes later, I heard a whisper.

“I came…”

I tightened the grip on my phone and forced my mouth to stay closed.

“I came…and I called too”

Please stop.

 “I’m not perfect, Ri…but I thought you had understand…”

Shut up.

“That I am so-…”

“Oh shut up, hyung!” I snapped but mine was a whisper too. The other were listening to music or sleeping so I didn’t want to disturb them and I didn’t want them to hear us too “You just called because you felt guilty and then you came just to with my mind and then left. Again” even at my ears I sounded hurt.

“I called because I was worried”

“Yeah…so worried that you stayed in ing Paris”

He looked at me, surprised by the venom in my voice “You asked me to stay”

I rolled my eyes “Who would ever ask his hyung to leave his…” I chocked on my words “His…” the word didn’t want to come out “…” I cursed “his girlfriend” again I felt like puking “in Paris just because I was hospitalized?”

“I would have come”

That was too much. I turned to glare at him “You would have come!? Don’t say bull, hyung” I put all my sarcasm on the last word “If you really wanted to you would have just come, even if I was asking you to stay. But all you could stutter was my name and your trade mark sentence ‘I’m sorry’” he looked hurt and guilty and he bit his bottom lips in a nervous tick I knew so well “If you want to play this game so much at least have the decency to stay coherent to your decision. Stop messing with my mind. Stop glaring at me every time someone” and my eyes fell on purpose on Bae figure in the seat in front of mine “touch me. Stop playing with me, hyung” he tried to say something but I shook my head “Please…if you keep coming back to your decisions I can’t play pretend to help you” his eyes went wide open “and I can’t forget you either, even if I’m not sure I really can.”

The van stopped, forcing our conversation to stop. We all got out and entered the company building. I was slightly tired but still I had things to do, lot hours of practice to recover and some recording too. The recording part was what worried me the most: all my other hyung except Ji had schedules so I had to record with just him in the room. After our conversation in the car, it wasn’t the nicest plan. Luckily I had some hours before hell would open its door for me so I was a little relieved. Daesung offered to stay with me in the dance practice room till he had to leave so I was saved from Bae’s presence too. Since my outburst he tried to give me some space, limiting his “flirting” but still trying to be a good hyung and I really appreciated that. It helped calming Ji’s jealousy too. Not that I really care about Ji’s jealousy…Yeah I know is a big lie…so what!? Tsk. One or two hours later, I had totally lost the perception of time, Ji came in the practice room.

“Dae your manager is looking for you. It’s time for your schedule” then he looked at me “And it’s time for our recording session too” I hummed an answer and went back to the bench to gather up my belongings. Dae patted my head again and gave me a look before saying goodbye and leave. I tried to ignore the impatient Ji on the door but when I had to change my clothes I found myself blushing. For a while I just hesitated trying to find something to do before changing my clothes but then I finished all I could do…

“C-can you turn…?” why…why should I have stuttered right in that moment? I wanted to bury myself.

“Why?” he asked but he had a huge grin. Of course he had figured out everything already.

I blushed even more “I…I have to change…”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before”

I rolled my eyes “Please, JiYong hyung” full name and honorific. Hopefully he got the hint.

“You’re such a child sometimes” but he turned towards the door to let me change. I tried to do it as faster as I could but I had this unpleasant feeling that he had find a way to peek at me anyway. Why? Because I had just finished buttoning up my shirt when he turned to say “Ok, let’s go”. I could only follow him to the studio. Once in, he locked the door and took his usual seat at the control desk. I found strange that he had locked the door but I just thought he didn’t want to be disturbed. I had to make up for the lost time. I started warming up and he the computer and all the instruments. We were silent but, actually, I could feel that it was a comfortable silence; it was just like in the past when I would have sat on the couch of the studio watching him working. When all we both needed was each other simple presence. When things started to be this complicated? Oh yes…when Kiko came in the pic. I sighed.

“Are you ready?” he asked me with his professional tone.

“Yeah” I walked into the recording room and he nodded. Once inside, it felt good. I really missed the coziness of the room, the sounding proof wall, the mic and the big headphones. I wore them and warmed once again my voice.

“When you want…” came the warm voice of Ji. I looked up and our eyes met. For a moment I couldn’t find the words because Ji’s eyes just froze me. Then he raised an eyebrow, waiting.

“G-go…” the music started and I tried to focus on the lyrics. It was a mid slow, sad song. When my part came I started singing.

“Let’s do it again” came his comment when I finished “Try singing it a little more slowly and put emphasis on this part” he hummed it.

“Ok”

He started the music again and I tried to do as he wanted. Of course recording with JiYong is not easy. Of course I knew beforehand that it would have been a long recording session. Yet, when he asked me to redo the same part for the 7^th time, I lose it.

“Hyung I think it’s fine” I lowered my head to take off the headphones so I didn’t see his shocked expression.

“What are you doing?” he asked me when I left the recording booth.

“I need some water and a pause, hyung, my throat starts to hurt” I grabbed his bottle of water to take a sip “and this part is ok, we can move on” finally I looked at him and jumped, surprised. He wasn’t pleased at all.

“Who’s producing, you?”

“No, but…”

“No but, Seunghyun, I am the producer and the leader and I say that you can do this part better” he crossed his arms and leaned on the chair.  I puffed and sat on the couch (yeah…THAT couch…). “Don’t puff at me, Lee Seunghyun, I know better what are your abilities and this is even the 70% of what you’re capable of” he the chair to face me and crossed his arms “So don’t be lazy like Bae and go back in there” he pointed at the recording booth. But my brain stopped when he mentioned Bae hyung; my eyebrow lifted up.

“What does Bae hyung have to do with my recording?”

He frowned “You too are lazy as hell these days. He passes too much time with you and that is influencing him in a bad way” he avoided eye contact, his uneasiness showing clearly.

I looked at him for a moment and then sighed “Hyung…that’s what I was talking about in the van” he bit his bottom lips “If you keep being jealous all your plan is going to fail miserably”

“What if I don’t want to follow the plan anymore…?” his voice was so little that for a moment I thought I didn’t hear right.

“W-what…?” my eyes were as big as a baseball ball and my whole body reached for him while I was still sitting on the sofa. There was silence for a long moment.

“Nothing…”he finally said and I could feel my heart breaking, again. “Nothing…go back in the recording booth and stop fooling around. We have a lot do to” he turned to hide his face. For a moment I wasn’t able to say or do anything. I just sat there trying to recollect what was left of my heart. I keep looking at his shoulder, curved on the desk. Then my eyes went up and through the glass in front of him I could see his reflection. He was hiding his eyes behind his hands, holding tight to his beanie. He was distressed too. I sighed and my body moved without my approval. I found myself kneeled beside him, a hand on the chair to let him turn towards me. He didn’t make a stand but he didn’t move his hand from his face. So I slowly reached for them: my fingers closed gently around his thin wrists.

“Hyung…” he didn’t move or answer. My heart ached a little more “Hyung…” he shook his head and mumbled something about going into the recording booth “Ji…” he tensed up at his nickname and a smiled, a sad smile “Ji look at me…” I tried to pull away his hands again and this time he let me. Our eyes met and I could see my pain reflected in his eyes “Why…” I asked on impulse “why do we hurt each other this much?” he bit is bottom lips, again but didn’t answer. Instead, he freed his hand to reach for my cheek. Gently his fingers it and I sighed, closing my eyes. It felt too good.

“Because…” he whispered tracing the line of my lips with his index “This can hurt you. Because this is not right. Because they won’t understand. Because I don’t want to be the reason why they hurt you. I’d rather be hated by you, Ri, than to see them hunting you down. I can handle your hate, yours and our other members rancor” my hands slipped down to his thighs and squeezed them. Finally, he let me see what was going on in his mind. Finally JiYong was letting me in and God knows how much it hurt to hear all of that. How much it hurt to understand that he loved me to the extent of deciding to hurt himself to protect me “I was sure that thanks to the others you would have go through it. But I didn’t think Bae would came out to you” I opened my eyes to meet his and there was now a little sad smile on his lips “I wasn’t ready to handle all the jealousy I feel every time he ruffles your hairs” and while saying so he pass his fingers through them, sending shivers down my spine “or when he takes your hand and looks at you with that eyes” his other hands grabbed one of mine and squeezed “I wasn’t ready to know that he has kissed you” my eyes doubled the size at this “and not only once…”

“How…” I was just able to say.

“Chaerin…” he smiled “she came to me after she has seen you two making out on that couch” I blushed. Like, really blushed.

“I…” he closed my lips with a finger.

“I don’t want to hear anything about this”

“But” I mumbled on his fingers “I didn’t started it. he started it…and then I pushed him away or at least I try, he’s strong…but Ji, really, I…” he chuckled “Why are you laughing at me?”

“Because you’re too cute, Ri…I know he imposed the kiss on you. I know. But I also know that you feel something for him”

“What?” I moved my eyes from his face, not wanting to look at him “No way”

“Ri…I’m not angry…I mean, I am, but it’s my fault. You needed someone to rely on and Bae was there…and probably he’s the best choice”

“I don’t want him as much as I want you…” I mumbled looking at everything but him. He chuckled.

“That’s good to hear…but, Ri, you were right in the van…” I closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself for what was coming “I can’t keep confusing you. I have to let you go and stop being jealous and angry every time someone else touches you”

“I don’t want…” I tried to oppose. Now that I knew his reasons, I wanted to say my opinion about it “I don’t care if they will hunt me down. And we can keep this secret. Nobody has to know beside us and the others” finally I was able to meet his eyes again “And even if they’ll figure it out, I won’t care. Why something so right should be wrong, hyung?” his grip on my hand tightened.

“Ri…we are not alone in this…if…if something come out, if the fans and the media found out about us the consequences will hit not only us two but our members too. Do you want to see their careers destroyed because of us? Are you ready to handle that weight?”

I lowered my eyes, defeated by his logic. “That’s what I thought” I could sense the sad smile even without looking at him “Now go back in the recording booth, Ri…” his fingers once again passed through my short hairs “before we both do something we will regret later…” I looked up and his eyes were sparkling with something that reminded me of…oh, it was lust. I got up but instead of pull back, I bent over to lock our lips together. I could feel his surprise so I blocked his face in my hands to prevent him from pulling back. He fought the kiss for a while but then he gave in with a  soft sigh. I didn’t smile for this victory because it felt bittersweet. He kissed me back, pulling me down from my waist but the chair wasn’t exactly comfortable so, trying not to break the lips contact, I pulled him towards the sofa. He sat and looked at me, towering him.

“One more thing” I murmured while straddling him. His fingers slid on my thighs till he reached my hips “One more thing and then I’ll let you go…” he recognized his own words but I shut him up locking our lips again and pulling him closer by circling his neck with my arms. It didn’t took us long to lose ourselves in each other. 


 

"Long time no see, long time no see" (TOP cit) LOL 

Everyone annyeong! 
sorry for the late update but i was a little busy. it's a long update and the end was *screams* LOL i couldn't bear those two avoiding each other anymore ahahahha 

Hope you like it :) 

P.S: i know that in the ff Top went to see Ri at the hospital but i wanted to quote what ri really said during the fansing that's why i wrote that TOP "just" called him :) 
 

See you next time!