For a moment I was completely frozen. Eyes wide open, I watched Bae leaning into my personal space (as if straddling me wasn’t enough) and pressing his lips on mine. He was a little rough and there was a lingering feeling of desperation but he is Bae and that means that upon all of that I could feel the love. And my guilt grew.

“H-…” I tried to speak. Wrong idea. He took advantage of my stupidity to deepen the kiss. His teeth gently bit my bottom lips while his tongue, playfully, it.

You have to understand that I’m a man. I may be gay and all but, , I’m a man. You can’t straddle me, pin me on the sofa, kiss me, bite me and pretend that I’ll be quiet.

I let out a groan, shifting on the sofa. He shot me a winning smile without really stopping the kiss.

“See…” he said while tracing my jawline with his lips “You can enjoy this too”

I closed my eyes, trying to hold what was left of my self-control “This…” I tried desperately to sound convincing but my voice came out weird because I was already breathing hard “This…Hyung…” a shiver went down my spine when he moved to my neck, biting on a very sensitive spot under my ear. His chuckle vibrated on my skin sending shivers everywhere and a moan escaped my lips. I blushed, completely embarrassed. But I think he didn’t expect me to because he stopped. Not understanding why I opened my eyes just to meet his surprised and happy ones.

“Hyung…?” He hummed to give me permission to go on “I don’t think this is…” I took a deep breath trying desperately to steady my voice “…is right” His smile faltered a bit “Because…!” I added quickly “because it’s not right to you…not me or anybody else…” at the end I was almost mumbling, eyes down not to look directly at him. I was trying to say that I didn’t want to hurt him.

“Let me be the one to decide that, Ri…” he finally said releasing my arm to cup my face. He lifted it, forcing me to meet his eyes “I’m not stupid…I know you don’t love me and I know who you love” I bit my bottom lips, feeling really really guilty “But I also know that you’re hurting and that you need someone to heal you otherwise you won’t be able to move on” he my cheeks with his thumbs “So here I am…I’m the healer and I may be bitter and unwanted but I’m necessary”

“Usually doctors aren’t in love with the patient…” I looked away and I feel his body stiffened on mine. The well-built muscles of his thighs clenched under my hand.

“You know…there’s this thing called transfert. It’s a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. Usually is from the patient to the doctors…” he smiled “But we could be the exception”

I couldn’t restrain a little chuckle “Seriously hyung…”

“I’m serious!” he almost pouted and this left me so surprised that I raised my eyes to look at him astonished.

“Oh god…you’re pouting!” I started laughing.

“I’m not!”

“Oh yes…you are!”

“Yah!” he smacked my shoulder and I laughed even more. I seriously never saw him pout in all these years “yah, if you don’t stop I’ll kiss you” I didn’t even process the words, I was totally immersed in my laughing, almost tearing up “I have warned you” he growled and then attacked my lips, AGAIN.

I shriek and this time, he took advantages of my parted lips more aggressively. He shoved his tongue in and that was enough to freeze me on spot. My hands flew on his chest to push him away. He didn’t understand my intention at first so I started moving under him keeping pushing. In the end he caught on and pulled away. Finally free, I averted my eyes, blushing, embarrassed and mortified.

He seemed to understand his error “Sorry…” he said “it was too soon”

“Let me go” I said, fighting to keep my tears from falling. He moved to my side and I got up right away, reaching the door with quick steps.

“Seungri…” he got up too, motioning to stop me but I halted him with the gesture of a hand. I left without saying a word unable to turn and watch his hurt face.

It was my fault, of course. I should have stopped him way before. I walked fast to the elevator and when it was already here I thanked all the Gods in this world. Hastily, I pushed the roof floor button and when the door opened I ran out until I reached the edge of the roof.

“Breath…Seunghyun” I ordered myself “Breath…” I tried to inhale and exhale deeply and after some failed attempt I was finally able to calm down. I sighed and the thought of enlisting came to me once again. Why everything was so complicated?

“Wouldn’t it be like admitting you’re running away?”

Daesung’s words echoed in my mind. He was right. I thought of it because I wanted to run away: what was wrong with this? I was sure I wasn’t able to record well with Ji’s eyes on me from the other side of the glass; I was sure I couldn’t look at Bae’s face without blush anymore and without being extremely awkward risking, also, to let Ji’s figure what was going on. Thing that, now that I was thinking about it, I wasn’t sure he didn’t already know. On the other hand, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to ignore Bae for too long, my guilt surely would guide me to him for an apology or a make up talk.

“Aaaaish” I passed a hand through my hair, stressed, and stomped my feet like a 4 year old child. I took out my phone from the pocket of my jeans and started typing a message.

To: Bae hyung~

Hyung, I’m sorry for earlier. It’s my entire fault; I should have stopped you before. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.

“But I don’t even want to lose your comforting presence” I sighed what I couldn’t add in the text.

It’s just that everything is so complicated and I really don’t know what to do…he did something, hyung. The day you found us on the roof he did something and said something…and even though I know I should trust his words when he say that I cannot stop thinking that one day he will just surrender to what he feels for me. Because, hyung, I know (and you know too) that he feels something for me.

“Aren’t I the most stupid idiot in the world?”

I am a pabo, aren’t I? ㅋㅋㅋ Aaah…hyung, you know that I love you, right? That’s why I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry, I really am.

Then I pressed “send”. Once the message was gone I took another deep breath and walked towards the door.

Three hours later I was a painting mess in the dance practice room. After leaving the rooftop I’d decided that it was better if I went back to the origin so I changed into my training clothes and started dancing. You can’t understand how helpful it was. With each move and beat my mind started clearing from all the thoughts and soon I was totally free. I danced and danced and danced until my legs couldn’t support me anymore and I had to lay on the floor to catch my breath. I wasn’t this satisfied since…well, weeks. Growling like a bear I stood up and looked around the room for a towel and a bottle of water. It was quiet and while drinking I studied my reflection in the big mirror.

“Wow…my dark circles are really something” one of my fingers went up to poke them and I chuckled. I put down the bottle of water and then I took off my shirt “Better” it was too hot. My eyes went directly to the mirror and I let out a disapproving groan “Once upon a time lived a chubby panda…” I pinched some flesh on my side and chuckled again, until I saw the little scar left by the little tube the doctor used to the bleeding. Lightly, I it with the pad of my thumb and I involuntarily jumped at the feeling. It was still a little red. I was still in the middle of admiring my war wound when the door opened: I looked up into the mirror and freeze. Same thing did the person on the other side of the room.

“Oh…Sumimasen…” she bowed deeply, a hand still on the doorknob.

“Why are you here?” I didn’t mean it to be so rude but it seriously just slipped without me even knowing. Then I remembered I was half . Quickly I wore my shirt again and coughed to let her know that it was safe now. She rose herself from the bow and smiled at me. Why the was she smiling at me?

“I’m here to make a surprise to Oppa…” she fleshed another smile and there was something in her eyes…

Was she always that annoying?

“But I think I’m lost…”

So…what?

“Can you tell me where he is?”

Hell no…

“Kiko!”

I freeze for the Nth time today and she did a graceful turn on herself to meet the source of all my problems: Ji was standing behind her, just a little out of the room with the most terrified look I’ve ever seen on his face. She tossed her arms around his neck to hug him and he instinctively wrapped his arms around her little waist. I swear that in that moment I wanted to dig my own pit.

“Surprise!”

Can I puke?

“What?”

“I came here to make you a surprise! But I was lost…” she pouted and placed a peck on his lips.

Ok…I puke.

I averted my eyes and quested for my phone.

“Oh…Thank you…Le-…”Ji voice reached my ears but she cut him off.

“And ended up here…you know…” she chuckled “When I opened the door he was ”

I halted for a moment to make another disapproving sound at her misspelled Korean and then moved again.

“?”

“Yes!” her chuckles were starting to be ing annoying “And he was staring at himself in the mirror! But when he saw me he wasn’t polite at all…” she pouted again.

My shoulders stiffened a bit but finally I founded my phone. Quickly I typed an SOS with my location and pressed “Send”. Then I turned towards the couple.

“I was practicing” I said returning to the center of the room “And I was half . You can talk in Japanese, Kiko-san, if you want” this time was me who flashed a fake smile, speaking all the way in a very fluent Japanese. The face she made was worth billions and with the corner of my eyes I could see how Ji too was barely holding a smile.

“That makes more sense” he said. She was fuming and I was interlay making a victory dance. In all this, she had pulled him inside the room. don’t even ask me why because I don’t know. Just when she was about to say something another voice was heard and then someone made his entrance in the practice room.

“Yah, before you ran away and start whining and then you send me a ing SO…” Bae stopped in the middle of the sentence when he finally realized what kind of scene he had in front of his eyes. I would have been satisfied with just the look of pure confusion on Ji’s face but Kiko was getting on my nerves. She was still clinging on him, purposely. Seriously I was starting to think that she knew everything.

“Hyung!” I broke the silence and motioned to him to come in “Thank you for coming…I need some advices…I can’t figure out how to do some steps…” except one person, the other two knew too well that it was a big fat lie. There wasn’t a step I couldn’t do. Bae looked at me questioningly so without the couple seeing, I silently asked him to help me just this last time. He sighed and reached for me.

“Seriously you are hopeless, Ri…” he was already in his training outfit so he did what he always does when we practice…of course it’s taking off his shirt – he’s a shirtless maniac.

“Nice abs hyung” I said while tracing them with a finger playfully. Bae shivered a little and in the mirror Ji looked at us with pure hate. Kiko…well, no girl in the world can watch a shirtless Taeyang from this close without being touched “Next time I’ll come to the gym with you…mine are gone” I chuckled and he ruffled my hair, maybe unsure of his own voice after my little tease.

“Hyung-nim…” I turned towards my favorite hyung…at least until a month ago “why don’t you take her to the cafeteria? It’s going to be hot in here and I bet she will get bored in no time” I started walking towards them, pointing mannerly at the door and Ji couldn’t do anything but started to pull Kiko with him. When they were finally in the hallway I waved a goodbye before shutting the door in their faces.

As soon as I did that, my smile fell and so my whole body. I was on my knees, angry, jealous and self-conscious of what I’ve just asked to do to Bae when three hours before I was claiming how sorry I was. 

Annyoooooooooooong!!

Lol i was inspired these days so i wrote a lot. Actually this chap wasn't supposed to end like this but i was writing too much so i thought it was better to put some of the other things in the next one :)

Hope you'll like it!! 

Love you all <3