I was looking at the Dispatch’ photos for half an hour already and still I couldn’t put the tablet down. My new crystal panda was looking at me as if it wanted to mock me.

Seriously what was I expecting? That he would have returned all smiles and love just because he gifted me that? Just because he admitted (yeah I know that he actually didn’t say it…but the panda is enough of a proof!) to have gone to my house?

Delusional. That’s the right word to describe me.

And God, I couldn’t even hate her because probably she doesn’t know and she’s so cute next to him.

But the real reason why I couldn’t take my eyes off of the photos was JiYong expression: he seemed so happy and relaxed. He seemed to be enjoying his date with his friend and girlfriend. His face didn’t show remorse or anything else. He was truly happy. And that hurt, so much that I thought my heart had started bleeding. He was happy and it wasn’t because of me or the music. Music and I were his source of happiness back then. Now she was. And if she can make him smile like that, who am I to try to stop her? 

Finally, I decided that my heart was already bleeding enough so I closed the tablet and pushed it away. Since yesterday things kept getting bad and I was so tired. The interview with the police officers was exhausting physically and emotionally: I had to admit that I was speeding and the guilt chocked my voice. Then YG hyung called me and I felt even more ashamed (if that’s even possible).

I took the crystal panda from the nightstand and started playing with it: it was its entire fault. I broke it for a reason back then so why now was it hunting me again? I tightened the grip around it and I lifted my arm, ready to throw it against the wall.

“You’ll regret it…again”

I jumped and the jewel slipped from my fingers, falling on my knees without a sound. I turned towards the voice and locked Youngbae eyes in mine. I didn’t say a word and we kept staring at each other for a while, and then he approached my bad, sitting on it.

“How are you?” he asked me concerned.

“Why are you still here?” I asked too, ignoring his question “Why do you still care? Why do you try so hard for someone who will never be able to give you what you want?” his face clouded but I couldn’t stop myself anymore, I reached the point of no return “Why don’t you just do like him and chase happiness in another place? I’m broken, I can’t be repaired and” I laughed, maybe I was finally going insane “I DON’T want to be fixed” his eyes were now wide opened “I love him, hyung” that’s it. I said it. I had never said it aloud to anyone “I love him so much that it hurts. I love him so much that I’m willing to let him go to another woman because I can see happiness in his eyes” tears gathered in the corner of my eyes “Still I want to hurt him so badly” Taeyang finally was able to move and took my hand, squeezing it and I started crying. I knew I had hurt him and that all I had said was unfair but I just started sobbing on his shoulder, gripping his shirt in my fist, craving his hug and presence. He didn’t have to think twice, once I was a sobbing mess on his shoulder he engulfed me in a tight hug and didn’t let me go.

I don’t know how long I cried, I just know that he kept murmuring soft words in my ear and making calming circles on my back with his hand.

Being confined is not exactly suitable with my person. I’ve never really liked the constriction of four walls and that explains why I was scolded so many times during our trainee (and now too) days. I have a thing for sneaking out. After having cried my eyes out on Taeyang shoulder, he had to go so I was left alone, again. My room started to feel smaller and smaller and I could feel the panic attack rising in my chest. Without too much concern, I slip out of bed dragging the I.V. with me. Once at the door I looked left and right and when there was no one to be seen, I left my room and headed to the elevator. Arrived at the highest floor I had to climb another staircase but then, finally, I reached my destination: just a door divided me from it and once opened I stepped out breathing the crisp air at full lunges. I love rooftops. They gave you a feel of peace and freedom you can’t find anywhere else. I reached the edge of the building and the sight of Seoul welcomed me: it was beautiful. I inhaled and exhaled a few times, trying to calm my still furious heart beating.

Who am i?

“Seungri…V.I…Victory” I mumbled into the air

Who am I?

“BigBang maknae”

Who am I?

“A strong baby”

What am I doing?

“Hiding”

Why am I hiding?

“Because I love too much”

And it was damn true. With a sigh I sat on the edge of the rooftop flinching at the pain when the movement caused me a stab. I stayed there for hours until I started feeling dizzy from the cold air and the slight fever that I still had. But I didn’t want to go back to my room. I didn’t want to face the pity of my manager and the disapproving looks of the nurses who thought I was being treated too well for a speed driver just  because I was a celebrity. I didn’t want to face the real world again. I’d never felt so different from my stage name than during those days. I wasn’t a victorious but a looser. I’d lost my love. I’d lost my favorite hyung. I was contemplating the idea of using my other favorite hyung to heal my heart (at least a bit) and I was running away from the world. Seriously something was totally wrong with me. I even knew that probably everyone was looking for me, worried and so on but I, honestly, didn’t care. The only person I wanted to find me was dating somewhere in the big city underneath me, completely oblivious of my inner turmoil. Happy.

My phone started vibrating again. It was like that since hours. I let my eyes slid on it and I saw Top hyung name on the display. He could wait. Soon the phone went silent again and I breathed deeply, barely hiding a shiver. I wasn’t ready to come back, not yet but I checked the other calls and texts anyway:

33 calls from my manager.

22 calls from Daesung hyung.

44 calls from Seunghyun hyung.

60 calls from Youngbae hyung.

Hundreds of messages on my kakaotalk account from all of them. The messages were almost the same ‘Where are you?’ ‘Are you ok?’ ‘Damn, Seunghyun, answer that damn phone’ and so on.

Probably they were going to scold me a lot for this. Still, I didn’t care.

I took another deep breath and indulged on Seoul’s sight once again, trying to guess where he could be. What if he was riding one of those tiny lights on the streets? What if he was riding that little light speeding on the main road in front of the hospital? Or the one some streets on the left, going towards a famous club. Was she with him?

Probably.

“Found you”

I jumped, surprised. Seriously I am deaf or what? Everyone can easily approach me without me noticing it! But what surprised me the most, and froze me on the spot, was the husky tone, ruined by too many cigarettes and alcohol. I slowly turned and then locked gaze with the center of my thoughts. He was painting, like he had run all the way here. I shivered again.

“God, you’re freezing” he filled the distance between us with fast steps, taking off his jacket. Then he put it on my shoulder and started rubbing my arms in a weak and awkward attempt to making me feel a little warmer.

I blinked a few times “What are you doing?” finally I was able to articulate a sentence. His hands stopped right away and he looked down at my face.

Always looking down at me.

He stepped back and sighed “Everyone is looking for you” he sounded cold, his leader tone was back.

“Maybe I didn’t want to be found”

“It’s not time to play around, Seungri” he threw me the ‘I’m disappointed’ look I knew so well and then reached for his phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked again, eyes grew wider at the sight of the phone. I reached for it but he easily dodged my hand.

“Calling your manager”

“NO” it was a yell. , I yelled at Jiyong. It was so unusual that even he stopped doing what he was doing to look dumbfounded at me.

“What?”

“D-don’t” I stuttered “Don’t call him…”

“He’s looking for you since hours” again the disappointed tone. But this time something clicked in me and I raised my eyes from the floor to look directly in his.

“I’ll call Youngbae hyung” I said and his face paled in front of me, anger rising behind his eyes “I don’t want to come back, not yet. He will cover it for me”

He watched me reaching for my phone and searching for Youngbae number. I was there to press the call button when his long and thin fingers wrapped around my wrist to stop me “I’ll do it” he growled and I smirked “I’ll cover it for you”.

I looked at him “You can’t” he blinked, confused “You can’t because probably you have somewhere else to go now” I smiled, fearfully calm, almost creepily “You can’t stay but Bae does”

His grip on my wrist tightened at the nickname without honorifics “Don’t play this game” he said after a moment of silence.

“Why?” none of us broke the eye contact “Are you the only one allowed to play pretend?” I felt his nails dig in my skin. I was making him angry, really angry. But at that time I couldn’t restrain anymore “I can play the couple game with Youngbae hyung if I want”

“Don’t you dare” normally I would have been afraid of his voice. God, he was really pissed.

“You are nobody to tell me what I can do and what I can’t do” I replied back “Go play the happy boyfriend with your new flame and leave me alone. You did enough already”

Seungri 1 – GD 0

I looked at the pain twisting his beautiful face at my words. I had hit the right spot.

“Words can hurt, uh?” I chuckled “Now you know the feel” I tried to free my wrist to leave him and that place but he was holding it so tight that I thought he could break it. Then, suddenly, he fell on his knee, head down. I was shocked and all the anger and regret I was feeling till a moment ago were replaced by a hurting anxiety. Was he sick!? He whispered something but so low that I really couldn’t catch it “What? What did you say?”

He didn’t look up “I’m sorry…” I froze again “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you”

“Stop” I said. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want him to admit it was all an act. If he did so I couldn’t pretend to be angry with him. I couldn’t pretend to be moving on. I couldn’t wish him a happy relationship with Kiko.

“Ri…” finally he looked up.

“Stop…” I repeated but it was already a weak whisper and, , my tears were already forming and falling. He caught some of them with his free hand, gently pressing it on my left cheek.

“Ri…” he tried again but I shook my head, not wanting to hear “Please listen to me…”

“No…” I replied sobbing “Don’t…don’t say it” He looked as heartbroken as me but he was also confused “If you say…if you say more I won’t be able to let you go” for a moment the grip on my wrist became even more strong than he let it go and pulled me in one of his ribs breaking hug, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. Soon I felt something warm on my cold skin and I knew he was crying as much as I was: was I still the only one in front of who he can cry? My arms moved on their own and locked him between them. My heart ached at the impression of his thin body once again pressed on mine. Why something so right was prohibited? Why should we hurt each other so much when it just felt so right to stay like this?

We hugged for a very long time. I barely heard my phone vibrate, I was barely aware of anything around me beside Ji’s body. But soon, too soon, he pushed back. We looked at each other and I knew that his puffy and read eyes were the exact copy of mine. He brushed a thumb on my cheek and sighed “You’re too much panda like” I smiled, a sad smile. Looking at him this close, he too was really tired. He cupped my face and leaned forward, I didn’t move a single muscle “One more thing” he whispered and I could feel his warm breath hit my face “One more thing and then I’ll let you go” there was pain in his voice and I almost started crying again but he shut all my reaction locking our lips together. I closed my eyes and started to respond to the kiss. It was salty because of our tears, and desperate but it screamed love. Ji loved me. The realization hit me like a wrecking ball and it took my breath away. I grabbed on to him to balance myself because I felt like it was too much for my body and he gently supported me, holding me tight in his embrace. Then, too soon, we parted. He pressed his forehead on mine and took a deep breath, and then he got up. When I finally looked up at him, the gently and warm eyes were gone: he was the cold and distant Jiyong again. We stared at each other until the door flew open and Youngbae, Top and Daesung rushed out to just freeze when they saw the scene in front of them. Ji took a step towards me and recollect the jacket he had loaned me. He looked at me in the eyes for a moment and then turned, walking towards the other three. He stopped in front of Youngbae, who was looking at him like he didn’t understand how he could be there. They looked at each other and then Ji said something “He’s freezing, help him return to his room” then he left without looking back.

But I looked at him till I could and then I kept staring at the door. I barely heard Seunghyun and Daesung worried voices asking me if I was ok. I kept staring at the empty spot until Youngbae purposely stepped in my range of vision, snapping me out of my trance. I looked at him and he looked back. I stood up, surprising Top and Daesung who, probably, were trying to convince me, and walked towards him. He waited for me until I was near enough to let him grab my free hand and guide me to my room.  

Annyo!

I'm not going to comment Dispatch' pics so don't ask me. 

Instead i'll reccomend you this video from my incredible Gri shipper Kira: G-Ri VS Jiko - Happiness vs Marketing 

She explain way to well what i think <3

Happiness

Source: xxxibgdrgn