I’m not a very self-confident person. I need to be told that I’m doing fine, that I am good. I don’t know when it started, it just did.

Maybe it was during our trainee days when everything was so uncertain that I didn’t even know what would it had been of me the next day.

Even now, when I actually know that we are one of the most famous name in the music industry and pretty popular abroad too; even now I’m not confident enough.

Standing on the same stage with my hyungs sometimes is uncomfortable. They are all so good at what they do: Seunghyun hyung is a recognized actor and rapper; Bae hyung is doing great things with his solo career; Daesung hyung had a blast in Japan; Ji…I don’t even know where to start to list all his great achievements. He was always the gifted one: YG golden boy, G to the D, Kwon JiYong the fashion king, GD of YBGD. Every rooky of every label look up at him and even seniors respect him. 
When I watch him work it always amaze and pain me to see how much passion and hard work he puts in his music. Do I even put half of that passion and hard work in what I do? Do I even achieve half of his success? Do I have the right to stand next to him on stage?

Once, when I was pretty drunk, I talked about this with Seunghyun hyung. I told him that I knew that they would have preferred Hyunseung back during the survival. I told him that I knew that Ji was disappointed at my many lacks.
He got pretty angry at me but I didn’t hear him deny. He told me “The past is the past”.

Don’t get me wrong. I know my hyungs love me and respect me now. I’m not so stupid to ignore my own achievement. It’s just that compared to theirs, mines seem simply not enough.

I get a lot of these thoughts when we prepare and we start promoting. I try not to let them show because I know that they would piss everyone but sometimes it’s hard to keep up with JiYong constant demands during recording sessions or dance practices. It’s hard to joke about YG papa lectures. Sometimes it’s just hard.

So I close my self in the dancing studio and I let it all go. I dance my soul out until I can barely stand on my feet, too tired to do anything…even less think. I managed to go on like this for all the days before our comeback stage and our official promotions’ start. I kept saying myself that I could do it and I was pretty proud of myself. I was keeping up with everything and everyone: smiling, dancing, singing, posting on IG. I did everything in the right way. ‘Till we met Hyunseung on Inkigayo.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m so proud and happy of what Hyunseung had achieved since his departure from YG. I love B2ST and I love my hyung but…but there was something in the way JiYong looked at him during the documentary. And that something is what I see in his eyes every time our paths cross.

Since that episode I started having thoughts again. I returned to the dancing studio and I knew they had noticed. Daesung actually tried to talk to me but I just dismissed him with a smile and a “I’m fine, hyung, don’t worry” because I don’t want to be a burden. He let it go and I made an extra effort to look normal, fine. I fooled them for some day but then ‘Happy Together’ recording threw all to hell.

I was hyper that day: first variety program all together since years. Hell, we were all excited. The fact that Ji didn’t pout when our sits arrangement forced him to sit all the other way from me it was a sign of our excitement. We talked and played and talked again and again. It was the funniest thing we did on TV since…well a lot.
I don’t really remember how the topic of our debut days started. Well, it’s a very usual question, yet I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming. And I don’t know why I broke down the way I did after we wrap up.
We were in the waiting room, changing and waiting to go back. All around me the members and the staff kept talking, happy because all went really well. I don’t know what actually happened to me. the moment before I was laughing with Bae about the memory of the room full of rats we just discussed and the moment later I was glooming in front of the mirror thinking of the way Jiyong ad spoke to Bae about being a idol-like 5 members group.  I moved like a robot through all the time we were in the waiting room. I would answer questions and talk back when someone talked to me but my mind was years back. I was little again, incompetent again. the last choice again. And then a thought came to me ‘is it really that different now?’. I was the last choice than, and so am I now. JiYong still prefer going duet with Bae. Seunghyun still prefer going duet with Ji or room with Dae.

Ji invited you to his solo concerts as a guest.

A part of my mind tried to bring me back on the right path but the other one kept finding faults at the logic. We were in the car when my mind shot me the final blow.

He prefer keeping you hidden. He prefer being seen with HER.

I took a harsh breath and chocked a sigh.

“Ri?” my manager glanced at me while driving “You ok?”

I tried to answer, I really tried but what came out was just a strangle sound.

“Seunghyun?” my manager voice changed to terrified, recognizing the symptoms of my panic attack. He stopped the car on the side line and unfastened my safe belt “get out of the car” he ordered but I was frozen on spot. I embraced myself tightly, I think I left bruise on my arms that night. Cursing he run to my side and dragged me out then all I knew was then he was hugging me tightly.

“Breath, Hyun” he whispered in my ear. I tried to comply but I just managed to breath even more quickly “Please, Ri, try to breath”

Two other cars stopped right behind our with an ugly shriek of rubber on asphalt.

“What happened?” Bae worried voice reached my ears but it didn’t calm me like the other time. I kept trembling in my manager’s arms.

“I don’t know. He’s having a panic attack”

“A panic attack…?” Seunghyun hyung voice was surprised. Poor him, I didn’t have a panic attack in front of them since years.

“Ri…” from the tone of his voice I figured that Daesung had almost for sure understood what it triggered it.

A hand pulled hastily at my arm, trying to free me from the safety of my manager embrace. I panicked even more. It was already bad that they were seeing me in this situation, I didn’t want to look at their faces. The hand didn’t surrender and pulled me again, this time it went with a nasal voice that sent a shiver down my spine.

“Come here, maknae”

I felt so weak when my brain recognized that voice and ordered my body to move. I forced my way out of my manager and throw myself at JiYong who wrapped his arms tightly around my body, with a silent promise of not letting me go. I hid my face in the crook of his neck, ashamed, scared, young again.

“It’s ok, maknae…I got you”

“We can’t stay here” JiYong manager cut in “People will start to recognized you”

I heard the soft hum of Ji and then he pulled me toward my car “Let’s go home” he whispered in my ear. I complied, again. I was still shaking a little but I was able to breath more normally already. I got in the car without looking at anyone and I waited on the edge of the seat for JiYong. He said something to the others and then got. He wrapped his arm around me again and I curled at his side. My manager started driving again and for some times we were all quiet.
He took us at my apartment but JiYong didn’t let him follow us inside. He thanked him and then closed the front door and then guided me towards my room, his hand tightly wrapped around mine.

Once in, he slowly turned and started undressing me.

“Hyung…” he silenced me with a small kiss. I didn’t speak again and let him tuck me to bed. He slid under the cover with me and then wrapped his thin arms around me, squeezing me in a warm and reassuring hug. We stood like that for some minutes, and my heart, finally, stopped racing and my breath went down to normal again.

When he felt I was stable enough, he moved so that his lips were brushing the back of my neck, sending shivers all down my spine “You know…” he murmured against my skin “I may have wanted him back in the days” I stiffened but he pulled me closer and went on before I could utter a word “but I know you were the right one. Deep in my heart I always knew. I think that’s why it took me, us hyungs, so little to fall in love with our precious maknae” I felt rather than see the small smile that graces his lips when I covered his arms with mine in a silence thanks. Word won’t even start to be able to describe the gratitude I was feeling “I love you, Lee Seunghyun and I love you, Seungri” he rolled me other to face me and then locked our eyes “Don’t ever doubt that ever again. Don’t ever doubt any of us about this. We may joke and say stupid things to you, sometimes, but there’s no BIGBANG without you, Ri. Like there’s no BIGBANG without any of us. And remember that if you are here is because Hyung has seen something in you that Hyunseung still didn’t have” I felt the tears on my face and looked at him when he leaned in to kiss them away.

“Thank you” I was finally able to breath out shakily. He smiled again and kissed my forehead “I don’t know why I’m like this. Why I always manage to upset you lot”

He chuckled against my hair “Because you are the maknae and that’s what maknaes do…or at least our” I gifted him the first smile since the end of the recording and he beamed at me, his face lighting up. I could force myself to be happy everyday just to see that expression on him “Now sleep, maknae, it was a long day” I nodded and curled against him sighing content as his scent and steady breath lulled me to sleep.

Annyeooooooooong :) 

Aren't you all surprised that i'm back this soon? LMAO 

It's just that after what came out from happy together about the pre debut situation, i felt overly emotional and just started writing about it. I feel very sorry for Ri because i can imagine how hurting could have been for his young self to hear those words from GD and Bae. But as Ji says at the end of this chapter, i'm also sure that now they don't think any of that anymore. I seriously think that in their heads there's no BIGBANG if it's not with the 5 of them. 

I always feel this protectiveness towards Ri: he's older than me of a year so we are basically same age but when i look at him with those heavy bags under his eyes or when they wrote something mean about him, i just want to hug him and hide him from the world. When i was playing around in highschool he was struggling to become an artist and then when my biggest problem was to pass an uni exam, he had to face people who don't care a thing and just talk like they know everything about him and s. 

Again, sorry for the emotional and emo chapter but i felt like i owned him this: i want to believe that people should know what it could have been like for him all of these years (even if he may have dealed with this in a whole different way). 

Love you all my readers and subscribers: you are giving me and this story so much love that is really over whealming. Thank you <3