When i woke up the next morning, i still felt like a truck had hit on me. My whole body ached for the little marathon I had the day before (6 meters, wow!) but luckily the crazy man in my head was almost gone for good.

As much as it sounds strange and incredible, I woke up in a silent and empty room; nobody was there to talk to me or to nag at me. Better this way. the first I remembered once awake was the phone call with Jiyong and I didn’t really want to talk about it. I knew that probably Youngbae had told Top and Daesung about it but I wasn’t ready to share my feelings with none of them. Hell, Youngbae had seen me after that call. I passed out. If this wasn’t an hint on my emotional condition I didn’t know what to do anymore.

The bed was comfortable and from the window the autumn sun of Seoul warmed my pale face. Speaking of faces, I bet I had the most incredible panda eyes of the world: probably I had defeated all my previous records. I sighed. If Ji had seen those panda eyes…

I flinched at my own thoughts. , Seungri can’t you just stop?

“Aish…really” I passed a hand through my hairs and then sighed again.

Loving Ji was obviously wrong, under every aspect. I don’t really know why I’d started reciprocating his feelings…wait. No. I don’t really know when I'd started ignoring the voices that pointed out how our friendship was too intimate, too close.

When was it?

2012?

“Does it really matter?”

I shook my head in response. No of course. It wasn’t important when, the only thing that mattered was that I hadn’t cared anymore. I'd just loved him in all the ways I could do.

On stage.

Off stage.

On camera.

Off camera.

At home.

Outside.

In Korea.

In the World.

Everywhere and every time I had just loved him.

And, God is my witness, I thought he loved me too.

Every time he had hugged me. Kissed me. Looked for me in the crowd, on stage. All the times he had changed his position during press conferences to sit beside me. Every time he had looked bad at Top or Youngbae when they were showering me with their affection.

I thought he loved me.

And I thought wrong.

So, what was all of that?

Leader’s caring towards the maknae?

Hyung's affection towards a dongsaeng?

A game?

“I love her”

I didn’t think that there would be a time when I would have hated those three beautiful words.

But the very moment he had said them I hated them.

Ah…I'd broken something too. What was it? The crystal panda he gifted me two Christmas ago? Yes…

“Stop thinking”

I jumped in the bed and turned towards the voice so fast that I almost broke my neck.

“Hyung! Aish…you scared me to death” I glared at Youngbae.

“Sorry if we didn’t announce ourselves…even if Top hyung has made so much rumor that I’m really surprised you didn’t hear us” he smiled at the oldest of the group who just smiled back while walking towards the sofa.

“Sorry…” I blushed “I was…”

“Thinking about Ji and how your life is miserable” Youngbae and I looked shocked at Top “What?” he said looking back “It was written all over your panda face” I growled but Youngbae chuckled.

“But it’s true” he said then sitting on the edge of my bed “Your panda eyes are incredible” I growled again and he laughed.

I looked at him and all the traces of his past anger were gone. I found myself sighing in relief. Angry Youngbae is no fun, really.

“How are you this morning?” Top, once again, pulled me out of my thoughts.

I shrugged “Better than yesterday but still feelinng as a ing truck has hit on me” he smiled “is that what I think it is?” I said pointing at the not so little shopping bag. His smile grew wider.

“The best ice cream I’ve ever eating on this Earth, I swear” he said pulling out a big ice cream jar and three spoons.

I facepalmed and looked at Youngbae “He really bought it…”

“You had doubts?”

“Yah…I’m still here”

We smiled at him and started eating.

“Mm…You know…” Youngbae started, mouth half full of ice cream “The girls asked me if they can call you later tonight” I nodded, mouth too full to talk “Good…then I’ll text Chaerin”

“Daesung wanted to came” started Top “but he had to attend a meeting for his japan tour DVD” 

“And the little boys” please read Winner “asked us to say hi”

“How are they doin’?” I ate another generous spoon if ice cream.

“Good, better than us when we debuted...” then he chuckled “ they are super busy and tired but excited”

“The other trainees?”

“They are waiting for the first elimination” he made a face and I really couldn’t say anything. Being eliminated from BigBang Documentary had hunted my dreams for years after our debut.

“I really can’t understand why the old man likes survivals so much”

“I think he likes to see them fighting for their place in the group” Youngbae put down his spoon massaging his belly, already swollen.

“Or I’m a sado…” I said imitating the president voice and Top laughed so suddenly that he spitted ice cream all over the floor “Ew hyung” but both Youngbae and I were laughing too.

I’ve already said how much I love my hyungs? 5 minutes with them and I’d forgotten all my thoughts.

I had to stop laughing thou because of my liver pain.

“Oh god…” I said with a hand gently pressed on my hip “please don’t make me laugh…it hurts” I chuckled. Youngbae stopped immediately and Top too, a worried look on their faces “Oh come on…don’t be so alarmed”

“Are you ok?” again, Youngbae leaned in my personal space without thinking twice and touched my hip. I blushed.

“He’s fine, Bae…” Top was smiling like he knew something funny that I didn’t.

“He’s not fine…” Youngbae said but backed a little.

A nurse came in with a little box in his hand, nicely wrapped up. She smiled and lent me the gift “A manager asked me to pass you this” three pair of eyes glanced at the box.

“No card?” Top said to the nurse. She shook her head and then excused herself.

“It’s a little heavy” I said posing the gift on my legs “She said that was from one of our managers…”

“Open it” if something can keeps Top distracted from his ice cream, is curiosity.  I looked at Youngbae and he nodded, encouraging me.

I ripped off the wrapping: now we were watching a golden box with the logo of a famous jewelry on the top of the cover. Something rang in my mind at the sight of the sketch and suddenly I wasn’t so eager to open the mysterious gift in front of my other hyungs…one in particular.

“What are you waiting for?” Top teased my arm with a finger and pointed at the box with the head “open it!”

With a silent groan, not able to find a valid excuse, I raised the cover. We all looked inside and the silence fell upon us.

After a while I saw my shaking hands reach for the object to extract it. It was a hand notched crystal panda. It was exactly the same as my previous one.

How?

How did he know it? How did he know that mine was broken? He didn’t see me that day, he was already at the door, wasn’t he? Yeah…I heard the door lock the moment right after the crystal fell on the floor. So how…? I looked up at the two other persons in the room. Top was watching me while Youngbae was staring at the jewel like he wanted to break it. Instinctively, I tightened the grip on the object. “Did you tell him that mine was broken?” I asked no one in particular.

“No”

I looked at Youngbae. He didn’t answer “Did you?” I insisted, pleading. Finally, he looked up at me shaking his head. Then how. Did he use his spare pair of keys to enter my apartment? But, why?

“There’s something else in the box” Top was watching inside it. I looked too and he was right. There was a little piece of paper folded in two. Gently, I rested the panda beside me and took out the note from the box.

I didn’t like the empty spot on your table. 

Soooo....yes...i wasn't able to stop myself from writing another chapter today...but doooooooon't get yourself accostum to this rythm of release. I can't assure you that i will always be this fast. 

Anyway...i kinda felt bad towards Ji after my outburst at the end of the previous chapter so i decided to let you see that he still cares (i really think so for the real Ji too). I'm in love with the idea of an object from Ji shaped like a Panda in Ri's house, don't know why. 

But i had serious problems when i had to decide what to write on the note LOL 

Here were the possibilities:

1) You're mine 

2) I didn't give you the permission to throw it away

3) I didn't like the empy spot on your table

The first one was too cheesy and a little bit too romantic considering what Ji has decided to do with his relationship with Ri.

The second one was a little bit too demanding considering the relationship he now has with Ri.

The third one seemed the most right one :D

What do you think!?

Love you soooooooooooo much <3