“Come with me”

Then i was pulled towards the cafeteria.

“H-hyung…” I tried to break free but Ji’s grip on my forearm was strong “Hyung, come on, let me go, they’ll recognize us”

“Don’t give a ”

“Yes you do…let me go”

“Can you just shut the up for a single moment!?” he growled and I shut my mouth.

We reached the cafeteria and he led me to an empty table. There weren’t many people but as soon as he let go of my arm I immediately pulled the hoodie over my head and forced him to do the same. He brought us two cups of coffee and we just stayed there in silence, quietly drinking for some minutes.

“This is the real world, hyung” I finally said.

“I know”

“We can’t be like that anymore”

“I know”

“You…” I tried to finish the sentence without chocking on my words but I failed “You…have a girlfriend”

He didn’t answer to that.

“You love her, in a way…” he tried to reply but I shut him “I know you do. You can’t stay for long with someone you don’t love. For you love is a muse and if there’s no love then you don’t need to stay with that person” We looked at each other in the eyes and then he nodded. I felt something cold squeezing my heart but I forced my lips to part in a little smile “I already have all that I need” my hand run up to my necklace where his ring was. He smiled, bitterly. We finished our coffee and then we stayed there for a little longer, not wanting to waste even a minute.

CLICK.

Ji’s eyes darted towards the sound of a camera and his body stiffened while his expression hardened. I slowly followed the direction of his gaze and I saw two fans snapping pics of us, giggling.

“Let’s go” he stood up and I followed him. We walked back to the waiting room and the fans kept following us taking pictures. Annoying. We entered the room shutting them out. Ji went to sit beside Youngbae starting a conversation about their upcoming duo project and I sat between TOP and Daesung. I chatted with them as nothing happened but I could already feel that invisible barrier between me and Ji. We were really back into reality.

In Japan we each had our single room and for this I was really thankful. I wanted to be alone: Daesung and TOP would have kept asking me questions and Bae…If he and I had had to share the same room it would have been awkward. I didn’t even want to think about sharing a room with Ji in Japan…The probability of Kiko showing up whenever she wanted was really high.

Anyway…the first days went on smoothly: we rehearsed, did some press conferences, practiced in the studio, Ji and Bae went back to Korea for some schedules. Normal routine.  Days passed like that. I tried hard to be my usual self and I think that at least I was able to fool my fans (even if someone has something to say about my pic with the uniform). Maybe it helped that Jiko’s rumors decreased a lot: just some mentions. Maybe it was the presence of iKON: those guys sure are hyper. Maybe it was the ring hung at my neck.

I really don’t know. I just tried to fly under the press radar and behave normally, even thou I really didn’t know what normality was.

Things got complicated again during one of our last concerts. It was already the end and we were just fooling around on stage instead of really perform “Fantastic Baby”. We were all sitting on the floor, laughing at TOP who was singing and dancing (Bingu style) and all I know is that at some point Ji was lying on the floor beside me, using my legs as a pillow and patting my knee when TOP was being too funny and laughers weren’t enough. For a moment I freeze on spot. With the corner of my eyes I saw Bae standing up and walked away, probably hurt. I wanted to ask Ji to let go but fans are used to our interactions on stage, they would have found it strange if suddenly we stopped doing it. So I acted along, smiling (probably a little awkwardly).

Back in the changing room it was like we had made a silence vow not to say a thing about it. We all just went on with all the changing process talking aloud of the concert and other things. I finished first and went out without saying a thing, needing some time alone. Since that night in Ji’s apartment we really didn’t spend any time alone together and I think it was Ji’s decision because especially when we were in the hotel we had plenty of occasions. I wondered backstage till I found the back door and got out. The crazy cold air filled my lounge and cleared my mind. With a sigh I leaned against the wall and then slid till I was sitting on the cold floor, legs bent near my chest. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. It was quiet, lonely. Perfect.

“What are you doing?”

Maybe I talked too soon. With a groan I opened my eyes just to be faced with the last person on earth I wanted to see in that moment: Kiko was looking at me, a confused look on her pretty (I’m too much of a gentleman to say otherwise) face.

“Resting” I said shrugging.

“You run away again, didn’t you?” now she was looking at me with what seemed to be annoyance, both hands on her hips to emphasize it.

“Beg your pardon?”

“You run away again, like when you were in the hospital” she rolled her eyes “Can you please not? It’s already burdening how much you cling on my fiancé, I don’t need your stupid childish attempt to seek attention too” she started walking towards the back door. I was too shocked to even say something but she halted, hand already on the door knob, and turned towards me “And please, try not to be so gay when you’re near him. JiYong can’t stand it and neither do I” then she vanished inside the arena. I stared at the closed door for some minutes before pulling myself together and standing up. I found myself shaking. The rational me knew that I didn’t have to believe a single word she said and knew that what really bothered me wasn’t the “JiYong can’t stand it” part but what came next “neither do I”. The rational me recognized in those words and in the tone in which they had been spoken, Ji’s biggest fear: the hate for what we are, for what I am.  I shook my head, trying hard to stop those thoughts. With a sigh I went back inside and walked slowly towards the changing room.

How does she know about that time at the hospital?

Probably Ji said something when he went back. But, why?

Does he confide to her when he doesn’t do it even with us?

I was almost at the door when someone grabbed me and pulled me in the shadow.

“Wha-…”

“Don’t go. Stay here” Bae whisper came too close to my ear and then I felt his strong arm wrap around me in a protecting way.

“Hyung?” it was the first time since my outburst in the practice room that we were so close “What’s happening?” He didn’t answer and when I was there to ask him again a high pitched laugher reached us. I long shiver run down my spine and Bae tightened his hug. For a long moment none of us spoke. “Hyung…we can’t hide…”

“I’m not letting you go in there” he growled.

“Hyung…I can handle it” big fat lie.

“Stop trying to fool me. I’m not stupid, you know?”

I smiled “I know” I leaned back on his chest and sighed “but I really can’t hide, hyung. People would think I don’t approve hyung’s relationship if I keep avoiding them”

“I don’t give a damn thing about what other people say”

“But I do and hyung nim too” at the mention of our boss he hissed “We already have too many issue, let’s try not to add more” I tried to soothe him making little circle on his forearm with my thumb. After some moments it seemed to work because he released me in favor of just holding my hand.

“If I sense you’re somehow uncomfortable I’ll drag you out, understood?”

I chuckled “Ah, what will I do without my hyung in shiny armor?”

He let himself smile “It’s what I ask myself every time I save your beautiful ungrateful ” he said pulling me towards the room. We walked in that I was still laughing hard at his statement and he was chuckling too. Everyone looked amused at us.

“What’s so funny?” our manager asked.

“Oh, I was just explain to our maknae how an ungrateful he is”

Daesung smiled and TOP chuckled. I smiled at them and tried hard not to look at the corner of the room where Kiko and Ji were.

“Where did you go? You just vanished again” Daesung spinned around on his chair to look at me: his eyes just briefly acknowledged our intertwined hands.

“I went out for some fresh air, I think I just forgot to tell someone” I smiled mischievously and my manager shook his head mumbling something on the line “why always so stupid” that made everyone laugh. Bae pulled me towards the sofa and we sit.

“Oppa” Kiko’s voice broke our little bubble. Not knowing which one of us she was addressing we all turn towards her “Is that why you left the room? because you were worried because Seungri oppa was missing again?” she looked at Bae.

“Actually” he said while playing with the bracelet I was wearing “I was just going to the toilet when Ji stopped me and ordered me to find the maknae” he looked up with a very mischievous look in the eyes “It seems in all these years he still hasn’t learnt that Ri always come back when he disappear” 

I freeze again. Ji gifted his best friend of one of his famous devil glare and the other two stupid members of my band just chuckled like idiots. Kiko’s reaction would have been too funny if I wasn’t too focused on trying to breath properly and, at the same time, to smash Bae’s hands with mine.

“I’m not a dog, you know” I said when I thought I was able to talk properly again.

“You aren’t?”

“YAH!”

The room was filled with laughers. Bae, Daesung, TOP, the managers and the stylists noonas were all laughing hard. Ji too broke into a big smile and chuckled. The only ones pissed were Kiko (who just wanted to humiliate me and failed) and I.

“Come on…” one of our managers said after some moments “I bet you are all hungry, let’s go eat. It’s Boss treat tonight”

It was like Korea had won the World Championship: we all screamed of joy and started getting ready.

In all the fuss we made after that, I lost the moment in which Kiko whined at Ji pleading him to take her out, just the two of them. I just know that at some moment I found myself looking into Ji’s eyes knowing he wouldn’t have come with us.

“Let’s go” I said then, forcing myself to look away: there was guilt and a silent plead in JiYong’s eyes. Something I didn’t want to see. I dragged Bae out of the room and Daesung and TOP followed us.

“Wait” my hyung in shiny armor halted and turned “Ji’s not ready yet”

“I-…”

“We” cut in Kiko “are not coming. Ji wants to take me somewhere nice”

Bae looked at Ji in disbelief and I knew him too well to not sense what was coming next so I tugged at his sleeves and whispered “come on, I’m hungry”. He looked at me and then sighed.

“Let’s go”

We left and none of us actually said bye to Ji nor Kiko.  

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

Again i'm so so so sorry for the super late udpate ç_ç hope you'll like it <3