Back to Seoul after a very pleasing yet lonely trip around Europe, I found it easy to go back to my usual busy life. I actually didn't have many public appearance (something was telling me that Yg papa was still trying to punish me) but I stayed at the label helping Daesung with the kids and preparing their debut and at the same time preparing for our Japanese tour and comeback (yeah…I know…it got delayed a lot…). 

Aside for a short meeting with our management and practice I actually hadn't seen JiYong alone: he was super busy and when I made some time to spend it with him in the recording studio something always came up. 
I saw Kiko once. She came in the building like she owned it and then hid herself in Ji’s studio for the entire day. 
I was jealous, no point denying it but during my trip in Europe I decided that I needed to be stronger than before and not let her play with me like the night of the concert. So when she purposely bumped on me one day  and started complaining that I splashed her coffee on her white dress I listened with an emotionless face and then left, leaving her dumbfounded and confused beside a chuckling Bingu. 
I was tired of the critics, the comments and all that talking about me as if everyone knew me better than myself so I started blocking everything and everyone out leaving space just for a little elite of people picked personally: my members, my dongsaengs in the label, the girls, the Hyungs and little others. 
You'd think it’s sad but I was fine like that: I needed nothing more. 
Things with Bae were going smoother than I did expect before my return. He turned back to his usual self being a very supportive yet strict hyung and I was glad. I missed being comfortable around him. Of course sometimes his hugs lasted longer or were a little more toght than what it was meant for a brotherly hug but I didn't mind. I still needed to be held sometimes. I still needed to feel that I was needed and loved by someone. Call me selfish but with Ji that busy and back to his strict rules, the first person that came into my mind when I needed comfort was Bae (I hear your squeels, BaeRi shippers). He didn't ask for more and just gladly took me in his arms for a hug or a pat on the head. 
Seunghyun watched over us from his neutral spot and let us be. Sometimes I could feel his eyes in me, not judgemental, just concerned of my and my Hyungs’ happiness. 

Things got a little out of hand when the news of Kiko being fetch up at the airport by one of our managers spread. Bae was furious and so I. Usually Ji let us know with some advance when she decides to come but that time it was all a surprise. Fans went wild and she barged in the studio when we were recording, halting our work and pissing off Teddy Hyung (a pissed Teddy is no fun, really). 

“Surprise!” She shouted opening the door and starling everyone. 
“Kiko!” Ji was as shocked as everyone and couldn't help but to glance at me. I was on the couch, pressed between Bom and Bae Hyung. I tried to control my expressions and not to glance back at Ji “What are you doing here?” 
She smiled and walked to where his boyfriend (it calling him like that myself) was sitting and passed her long and slim fingers between his hair “Can't I make a surprise to my man?” 
I fidgeted on the couch, cringing inwardly at her words; Bae and Bom both took one of my hands and squeezed, in a not so suitable attempt to sooth me. 
“How have you even arrived here?” 
“She was picked up” Seunghyun deep voice cut her answer when the said man exit the recording booth, passing his phone to Ji “by one of our managers” 
“What?!” Bae jumped up from the couch and reached for the phone, standing at Ji’s back “Are you crazy!?” 
“Hyung…” I tried to sooth him but he was already glaring at her. 
“Have you ever stopped thinking about how this thing could blow up on our faces?” 
“Hyung…” Ji was still reading the article on the phone, silently. 
“I'm his girlfriend I can do what I want” she said, pissed by Bae’s reaction. Usually the lead vocal didn't bother to talk to her that much. 
“Our relationship is not public, Kiko” finally Ji said something “You've seen how fans have reacted when they spotted us at the airport…that was why we didn't say anything officially” 
“Why should we hide? Why should I stand that your stupid fans spazz over that” and she pointed angrily at me “ and you…” She didn't even finish her sentence that chaos exploded in the room. 
Bom started yelling at her, Bae and Seunghyun demanded an apology and Teddy was angrily asking Ji to throw her out. 
Strange as it may sound, I was rather calm. I couldn't care of anybody in that room but Ji in that moment. Her words hurt me but I was sure they had  hurt him more. He was the one being so concerned of public reaction towards us being…well, us. He locked his eyes with mine for a brief moment and I knew he was going to say something that would have hurt much more than her words. Because JiYong has a very strange way of taking care of who he loves. 
“Why” he said quietly and the room fell suddenly silent “ should you be worried of that?” I didn't want to hear. I didn't even want to be in the same room as them in that moment. Sensing what was coming next I stood up and walked towards the door “But first, don't ever call my fans or our fans stupid because I would be very angry” I reached the door, a hand already on the doorknob and a foot already in the hallway “And…” I wanted to run but something kept me on the spot, waiting for his words “that is just fan service” Someone hissed and I knew it was Bae “Nothing you should worry about, I've told you already”. 
I bet everyone in the room heard my heart shuttering into pieces; how they couldn't have? It was so noisy inside my head. I remember leaving the room quietly, without looking back or saying anything. I let my feet guiding me while I tried with all of my strength not to cry. Not to let her win over me once again. Because despite what Cherin and the girls have said multiple times, she was the one having him “officially”. What weight could have the fact that he loved me if at the end of the day she was the one that could walk home with him. How could that night only, count? I was so stupid thinking that it could have made the difference. 
I found myself on the rooftop of our agency building. Since my car accident I took quiet a like for rooftop. I sat on the top of the cabin of the ventilator, the back against the wall. Once settled and aware of the silence around me, I just let the tears fall. 
I don't know how much I stayed up there, alone. I was even barely aware of my phone vibrating in the pocket. When I decided to stop ignoring it, it was already dark and a cold breeze was giving me chills. Painfully aware of the condition of mine already panda eyes after hours of crying, I jumped down and left the rooftop checking the missed calls. 
Manager Hyung: 7 calls 
Bingu Hyung: 12 calls 
Dae Hyung: 10 calls 
Bom Noona: 7 calls 
Bae Hyung: 18 calls 

That's all. Not that I was expecting anything else with her still around. Still… With a sigh I dialed a call. 
“RI?!?” Bae worried voice hit my ear way too loudly “where are you? God I told you already to not vanished like that!” 
I sighed again “I was on the rooftop…thinking” weak I know but I couldn't think of something else “can we meet at the end of the rooftop stairs? Oh and bring a pair of sunglasses please, Hyung, thank you” then I just closed the phone call. Probably it did piss him more but well, I wasn't in the mood of talking. I reached the meeting point before him and waited patiently; 5 minutes later here he was, my Hyung in shining armour. He gave me the sunglasses and I thanked him trying hard to avoid his eyes. Probably I failed miserably because once I had wore the sunglasses he sighed. 
“I won't ask you if you are ok because it's pretty obvious you are not” I chuckled “come on…lets go” he grabbed my hand and lead me through the building. 
People stared at me, probably because I was wearing sunglasses inside a building, but I shrugged it off. We reached the park lot and headed to his car. He opened the door for me and I sat. 
The ride was awfully silent but I didn't mind. I enjoyed the silence. We arrived at home 20 minutes later, still without speaking a single word. Once off the car he took my hand again and, again, I didn't mind. I needed that contact. I needed it like air. In the elevator he stood beside me, trafficking with his phone. I stole a glance and I saw he was reporting to Seunghyun. In my head the only consequence was that in a matter of less than 5 minutes Ji would have been updated too. I didn't know if that fact pleased me. 
He left my hand only to let me open the door and take off my shoes and jacket. We headed in the living room and sat on the couch. 
“So…” He started. 
“So…” I repeated. 
“Want to drink?” 
“Can we get drunk?” 
“Just for this one” 
He stood up and went to the kitchen; he came back with multiple bottle of suju and two glasses. He poured for both of us and we cheered, I don't even know to what. 
After a moment of silence he spoke again “You know he don't really think those things” I shrugged “When we were finally alone for a bit he was terrified” I shrugged again “I know you know it too” instead of answering I poured some more suju for both of us and drank. He sighed and drank too. 
“I know” I finally said “I know but it still hurts as hell” I played with my glass “And I know I'm in no position to say anything because I know what push him to say and do things that he don't really believe. But I can't go on like this…There will be a moment when I will just let it all go in a way or another and when that day will come nothing will be like it used to” 
After that we drank and drank and drank. At some point we were on the floor, Bae with his back against the sofa and me between his legs, leaning against his chest. He saw the necklace and started playing with it. 
“What's this?” He slurred a bit, maybe a lot. 
“My leash” I drank another glass “there's the name tag too” I snickered “Like that anyone will know that I'm his pet” I heard a low growl near my ear and a little tug at the necklace. I slapped his hand without even turning to look at him “don't” 
“I don't like it” 
“You don't have to like it” 
“You're not an object” his lips were dangerously near my neck but I was too drunk to care. On the contrary, I was even more eager of skinship. 
“Nor you're my way out for ual frustration” 
“Let me decide that” 
“Let me decide to be an object” 
“Touché” 
We both chuckled before his lips brushed against my skin… 
What Was I going to do next…?