“, Seungri take it slow!” Youngbae rushed towards me with a worried look after I almost fell for the I-don’t-even-know-what-number time.

“I’m fine” I tried to say panting but the truth was that I felt like a truck hit on me and then has decided to go back and forth on my body just for fun. I was sweating a lot and my sight was blurred. Not to mention the almost unbearable liver pain I had. Something was wrong but I refused to admit it.

“You’re fine my , Seunghyun” TOP approached us too and glared at me. I waved, faintly, a hand.

“Let’s practice” don’t even know how, I was able to free myself from Youngbae protective grip and reach my position for the choreography. I looked up for the first time since the practice stopped  and everyone was looking at me. Almost all of them had concerned looks on their beautiful and tired faces “I’m fine” I said “really…”

The silence went on so I decided to look for the only one I knew was able to say the final word. I searched the room for his thinned figure but he was nowhere to be found. At first, I was confused: he was practicing with us, right? I thought I’d seen him when we started. And wasn’t him who kept nagging about my wrong timing and fooling around? I looked for him, again, scanning all the people in the room. My breath was short and fast; my legs were shaking. Where the was he!?

And then I realized. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t even in the building or in the country. He was miles and miles apart, in Paris. Why was he in Paris when I needed him? I felt so weak… my head started spinning and the whole room seemed to spin around with it. A sudden pain at my hip bent me and then I felt that I was falling…I hit the ground but I didn’t feel anything. My eyes just registered the chaos that was now surrounding me. I saw my hyungs rushing towards me shouting something but nothing was able to break the silence of my ears. Youngbae was now kneeled on the floor beside me calling my name…or at least I think he was. I felt my mouth moving to say something, then the dark went down on me.

I regain consciousness in a hospital bed. My head felt like someone was trying to break it from the inside with a hammer and my liver…well, I didn’t actually feel I had a liver anymore. I opened my eyes and an intense light hit me making me groan in discomfort. My left hand tried to go up to shield my eyes but something was attached to it.

“Easy, maknae” Top pushed my arm down and squeezed it a little. I forced my head to turn towards the sound of his voice and when finally our eyes met he was smiling at me “Morning, sleeping beauty”.  I groaned again.

“How much…” I tried to speak but my throat was hoarse. He passed me a glass of water with a straw and I gladly drank, accepting his assistance.

“Almost 4 hours. It’s 5am now” he sounded tired.

“I’m sorry”  and I was, really.

“Don’t even start” he placed the glass of water back on the nightstand and sat on the chair next to my bed “It’s not your fault and nobody think so”

I didn’t believe him. I knew someone who would be pissed at me.  Then I remembered, again. He wasn’t at the practice. He didn’t see me faint like a weak little child. He was in Paris, the city of love, with his new girlfriend who shared with him his stupid obsession over fashion. My heart hurt in a way that I knew hadn’t anything to do with my physical condition. I was so weak and so foolishly in love.  Top was looking at me and he saw the turmoil on my face.

He sighed “Want me to look for Youngbae?” he said knowing that these days I tend to calm a little when I’m around him. I nodded. He stood up and then left the room. Once I was alone I let myself indulge on the condition of my body. I was shivering and the IV was once again connected to my arm.

“Great…” I sighed. I tried to sit but the effort on my abdomen caused a sudden and incredible pain at my liver. I growled and fell back on the bed. If there was a God somewhere in this world I bet he was laughing like crazy at my bad luck. First, I got dumped. Then I almost died in a car accident and now I fainted during practice. Good. Really good.

“Have you heard?” from the open door the voices of two nurses interrupted my thoughts.

“What?”

“Apparently they spotted Gd oppa with Kiko unnie at a Paris runway”

Please don’t… I begged in my mind but obviously the two nurses didn’t hear me.

 “What!?”

“Yes!!!” the nurse giving away the gossip was now squealing “There’s this pic on internet of them sitting two/three persons far from each other”

“Omo…so the rumors are true?”

I didn’t want to hear more. Yes the rumors were true. Yes they were together. Yes…yes…yes…

“Can you please move?” Youngbae cold voice startled me and the two nurses who gasped aloud.

“Oh…”

“O-of course…We are sorry, Taeyang –sshi”

I looked away and didn’t do or say anything till I heard the door shut and Youngbae light steps reached my bed.

“So they were together…” I said without even try to hide my pain.

“Yes”

“” my free arm went up to my face. Youngbae gave me the time to recollect my feelings. “How bad is my condition?” I finally said, desperate to change the subject of the conversation.

“You had a high fever and your liver started bleeding again” God. That was worse than what I was thinking “You still have a fever…the doctors say that we have to wait until it goes down a little more before they can start the surgery on the liver”.

I gasped “Surgery!?” I looked at him afraid and shocked.

“You should have had a surgery in first place but you were so stubborn!” he snapped “None of this would have happened if you weren’t so eager to be discharged! Do you think I don’t know why you wanted to be out of here so soon?” he wasn’t yelling but his words hit just in the right place and I felt ashamed.

“Hyung…” I tried to calm him…

“Don’t hyung me, Lee Seunghyun” I sighed. He was seriously pissed “You just wanted to be out to prove him that you weren’t a burden on the group’s activities! When will you stop living to please him?” he was nowhere near to stop his lecture so I stay quiet. After all these years I just learnt how to make their lectures shorter “Why can’t you see that like this you’re just ruining your life!? Is he this worthy!? Is he worthy your health even after he dumped you like you were some toy he was done playing with!?”

Ouch.

That hurt.

I took advantage of his need of air to put an end to his lecture “Are you done, hyung?” I knew I was stupid but this didn’t mean that he had the right to talk me like that. He looked at me with angry eyes but then sighed. “Good, now help me” I offered him my arm and he grabbed it helping me to sit more comfortably on the bed. Each movement caused me a hell of a pain at the liver but I endured it. When I was finally in the position I wanted to be I was soaked in my sweat and the crazy man with the hammer in my head was crazier than before.

“I’m serious, maknae” finally Youngbae spoke again but this time his voice was just concerned “you have to take better care of yourself. I don’t want to lift you up from the floor again…never again” I nodded and he sighed again knowing to well that I couldn’t really promise him anything “You scared Daesung, I really hadn’t see him that scared since his car accident”.

Ouch. Again.

 I thought he was done but instead he changed his tactic. Now he was pushing on my conscience.

“I’m sorry…is he here? Does he know that I’m awake?”

“No, TOP ordered him to go back home”

I nodded “Sounds good”.

In my mind started forming a question but I couldn’t really convince myself to say it. Taeyang waited patiently, sensing that there was something I wanted to ask. He didn’t push but he didn’t even look pleased. his jealousy. I needed to know.

“Hyung…” I started but then my phone started ringing. We both jumped not expecting the sound.

“Answer” he said, probably wanting to distract me from my question.

But I’m stubborn, you know that very well. I shook my head and tried again when the phone seemed to come to and halt “Hyung…”

The ringtone started playing again and I cursed turning to stretch my free arm to grab the damn phone. I took the call without even looking at the ID.

“What!?” really, I wanted to sound angry and pissed but the combo of fever and internal bleeding made my voice sounds a little faint. Too bad.

“Ri…”

I froze.

“Ri…are you there?” he was in panic mode and his worry hit me like a tsunami.  I couldn’t say a word. “Ri…for god’s sake answer me!” his voice cracked and maybe it was this that help me.

“I…I’m here” that is. A month of nothing and I came out with 3 stuttered words.

“Oh…” now was his turn to be speechless “Are…are you ok?”

I started crying. Why? Why was he asking me if I was ok? Why did he care? Before he could sense anything, Youngbae snatched away my phone.

“Ji” he said in a not so friendly tone. I could sense the cold coming from the other part of the world. But I didn’t do anything. I just kept crying in silence “Ji, what do you want?” muffled words from the other side “Obviously he’s not ok” I couldn’t really recall a time when Youngbae was this cold towards his best friend “He fainted during practice” Ji voice reached a new level of hysteria “He had a fever and he’s bleeding again. He wanted to be discharged soon because he knew that this would have pleased a certain…” he stopped his angry talk when he felt my hand tugged to his forearm. Despite all the pain I didn’t want him to feel guilty. Youngbae looked astonished at me and then cursed. He released his arm and without looking back at me he walked towards the door. I started panicking. What would he say to Ji?

“Hyung!!” I cried aloud trying to stop him but he was too angry with Ji to listen to me “Hyung, stop, please!”

He was almost out. I started messing around the IV and with a desperate growl I just pull it out. I should have felt something, like pain for example, but my mind was focused just on Youngbae and Ji. I “rushed” (please read “stumble”) towards him who, hearing all the fuss I was doing, stopped and turned to look horrified at me. I obviously asked too much to my body because I wasn’t even half the way to him that my legs decided to leave me. I fell on my knees and I hadn’t ever felt so miserable in my life.

“SEUNGRI!” Youngbae rushed by my side but I didn’t even let him touch me. I just grabbed back the phone.

When I put it near my ear, I heard Ji’s desperate voice calling for Youngbae, ordering him to tell him what was happening. He was scared. Ji was scared at it was my fault.

“Ji…” there was love in my voice. Just love. And deep down in my head I knew it was wrong.

Youngbae froze and Ji stopped talking.

“Ji…I’m fine”

“I’m coming back… now” he said and I heard him moving in the room, starting to pack all his things.

“Ji…” I tried to calm him “There’s no need…” god how stupid could I be. For days I just kept nagging about how he wasn’t here to at least check on his maknae for the sake of his group; and now I was telling him to stay in Paris…

“You don’t have a say in all this” he growled back. I could sense his anger and his guilt. “Ji…what’s happening?” I froze. Youngbae, near enough to hear all that was said by Ji, sighed and pulled me in his arms, sensing that the “lovely” call was there to end really badly. It was a woman’s voice. Her voice. “Why are you packing?” she asked confused.

“Ji. Stay there” I said and I heard him hissing.

“Baby…?” she was confuse, her voice muffled by the distance.

There was silence and I imagined my favorite hyung stares at his new girlfriend while on the phone with me. His struggled face and the millions thoughts whirling in his head.

“I need to go now, hyung” Liar.”Youngbae hyung is almost killing me because I need to rest. Tomorrow there’s your favorite stylist runway, right?” Go. “You have to be there, like that I can tease you when you’ll comeback with something extravagant from the collection” Be with her.

“Ri…” he said, almost pleading “I’m sorry…I’m…”

I cut him off. I didn’t need his pity, his regrets “By hyung…” Youngbae was looking at me and something in his angry eyes made me say the last words I would had never thought of saying “Say hi to Kiko for me”. I heard him gasp and then I turned off the phone.  I looked at it for what it felt were years and centuries, then Youngbae strong arms took me and guided me to my bed. I gave him the phone and he put it in his pocket. Better like this. He leaned into my personal space and laid a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Sleep, Seunghyun-ah…I’m here”

Then the dark went down on me and for so long there was nothing else.  

GOD I'M SO PISSED TODAY. 

*cough cough* ehm...yes...i'm calm....

WTF!? Ri was hospitlized again, Jessica was thrown out of GG and F*****G GD is still in Paris with KIKO!?

I'm pissed...really really pissed and worried. 

Please #staystrongseungri ç_ç my panda-oppa ç_ç 

And omg i'm so pissed to GD too...i mean, your f*****g maknae is sick and you stay in Pairs playing at the fashionista!? gaaaaah can't stand you sometimes. 

What about GG, then? Relly SM keeps ruining its best groups: TVXQ, Exo, F(x) and now GG...i really hope they won't touch SHINee because if they do i'm going to freak out for real. 

*stops going insane*

now....the chapter....

i'm really sorry because i know that it's a little angsty and dark and depressing. I know and i'm so sorry. But after the news of Seungri being hospitalized and after i found out that GD was in Paris with Kiko, I was so depressed that this is all i was able to come up with *bows* 

P.S: i'm not judging GD, i just don't really understand his behaviour sometimes. He's so lunatic that even if i know him it's hard to follow all his up and down. Said so, I wish him a happy time in Paris, anyway, regardless of what we may think of all this situation. He deserves some time for his own. And please, maybe i was too harsh with my words but i think he's in touch with his other members. He's the leader afterall :)