It wasn’t long ago since I was moved from the ICU to the general ward of the hospital. It wasn’t as quiet as the ICU but at least it means my condition wasn’t as bad as before. The room was, of course, only for me and it was bright. The walls were white and when the light hit them from the big window the room almost seemed to sparkle. It was beautiful and it helped me relaxing.

I read online that YG said that I wasn’t injured that badly from the start even though I couldn’t even breathe properly without crying in pain until 2 days ago. Seriously being in a car while the said one is rolling and rolling and rolling is NOT fun.

Anyway, I tried to get the permission to update my SNS just to ease my fans worries but they didn’t let me. Actually, since this morning they literally stole my phone and tablet. Why I don’t know. Usually I would have already started to nag like the brat I am because life in a hospital is reaaaally boring, but since Jiyoung visit¹ at my place I really couldn’t help but feel lifeless. Yes, I tried to cheer up in order to not show how badly I was hurt but they simply know me too well.

One day, before the accident, I tried to joke about it with my manager, saying that now I wasn’t the one who need an overly protection from paparazzi: I started laughing, well faking a laughter, and I was looking at him waiting for his laughter to follow but he stayed quiet. He kept looking at me with sad eyes that were screaming pity all over the place. I couldn’t bare it. I stormed out.

-Hyung- I said when he entered my room with a glass of water – can you please give me back my phone?- I didn’t even care to put on a smile. From that day, I stopped faking with my manager.

-The doctor said you need to rest, Seunghyun-ah- he replied.

-How’s, for God sake, using a phone tiring?-

-Don’t be rude-

-Aish, hyung. It’s boring as hell here. Give me my phone back –

-Drink this-

Without backing from sparing him a hateful glare I took the glass from his hands and started tasting the fresh water. My throat said thank you. We stayed without talking for a while and I watched him cleaning here and there, tiding what was (supposedly) in the wrong place…in the meantime he kept checking his own phone and sometimes his face would frown.

You have to understand that I’ve known my manager for years now so I’m really really good at decoding his facial expression and behavior. Something was fishy and it didn’t took me too long to connect it with the disappeared phone and tablet.

-Hyung- I called him and even at my ears my voice sounded colder than ice –What’s goin’ on?-

He stiffened but then just shrugged –It’s all a mess here-

-Cut the crap, hyung- yes, say goodbye to the kind and cute me.  He looked up, surprised.

-Is that the way to talk to your hyung?- he tried to smile.

-Yes if my “hyung”- sarcasm…I wasn’t very good at it before that day- keep talking instead of being sincere like he’s always been-

I looked at his face, distorted by the guilt and then when his shoulders bent down and a heavy sigh left his lips. He approached me and handed me his phone – If anyone ask you, I’m not the one from whom you’ve snatched the news-

I nodded and with the hand not connected to the IV, I reached for the phone. Ten seconds and I was on naver.

Fifteen seconds and the machine monitoring my heart bit started to give alarmed sounds.

Thirty seconds and the phone hit the wall in front of my bed and fell on the ground, broken.

-Get out- it was a growl, far from my usual voice. With the corner of my eyes I saw the worried look on my manager face but I ignored it – GET OUT!-

-Seunghyun…- he tried. After all these years he still trys to force calm on me when I’m pissed.

-GET THE ING OUT OF MY ROOM!- with the half part of my brain that was still conscious of what I was doing, I saw the little box where were divided all my pills, flying across the room and land beside the door.

After that, my manager simply decided to leave me alone and exit the room. It was quiet, finally. The only sounds were my heavy breathing and the cardio machine, still beeping like crazy.

I didn’t even know why I was so mad. Why, now I had figured out, I was still hoping that all of his words were lies. He had looked me in the eyes and said that he LOVES her.

He.

ing.

Loves.

Her.

So what I was waiting for? What I was mad at? Who I was still in love with?

Nothing. At nothing. With an .

He has just played with me for all these years. He just stepped on my heart one night and then thrown it in the garbage. 

I was just his maknae. The one who will never be enough. The one who will always be the troublemaker. The one who will never love him enough.

Something warm watered my cheek and when my hand reached for it, I realized that I was crying. Because I was sad and mad and heartbroken. Because even though I was all of this, I was still in love with that stupid .

I don’t know how much time passed. I just sit there, on a hospital’s bed, crying silently. At some point the beeping cool down. At some point the sky outside the window became blue. And at some point, from the central sound system of the hospital, the courtesy music started playing.

-You have to be kidding me…- I growled once I recognized the song: BigBang Blue.

I tried not to listen. I tried to cover my ears burying my face under the pillow but the lyrics were impressed too well in my mind.

Again tonight, underneath that blue moonlight
I will probably fall asleep alone
Even in my dreams, i look for you
And wander around while singing this song

Before the song came to an end it stopped. I sighed, relieved, just to jump when someone started to bang on my door.

-Seungri let me in!- Youngbae hyung kept banging .

-Go away…- it was a whisper but I pretended that he heard it anyway.

-Seunghyun-ah…let us in- that was weird. Big Hyung actually used some of his free time for something that wasn’t eating ice cream?

I sighed, defeated before even starting a real fight with them.

-It’s open…idiots- I didn’t even care of using informal speech.

-Yah…-Top entered the room and quickly slapped my head – Don’t speak informal to your hyungs-

Youngbae approached the bed too and someone closed the door. I looked over Top hyung and it was Daesung. Yes, despite all I was going through, I still looked for him thinking he entered right after Youngbae and now was hiding behind him and Daesung. Then I remembered that the pics were taken abroad…

-You’re here- I said to ease the awkwardness.

-How are you?- Daesung quiet and cautious voice reached my ears. I shrugged and looked the other way.

-That’s your manager phone?- Top picked up the object from the floor.

I grumbled.

-What did you do?- he chuckled.

-I didn’t like what I was seeing-

After that there was silence.

-Did you see the pics?- I looked at Youngbae like I wanted to kill him. He had his answer.

-You know he’s faking…- Top plopped on the little sofa under the window. Youngbae and Daesung nodded along.

I laughed. Really, how could they be so stupid? Youngbae too? – Hyung…- I started still laughing – I know what I’m talking about…-

Top looked at me, still playing with the broken phone – I don’t think so. He had never mentioned anything about it-

-To you, maybe…- the laughter stopped and I just smiled, sadly. Broken – He came to me…- I couldn’t go on. Words wouldn’t come out.

-What do you mean?- Youngbae was now looking intensely at me, like he didn’t want to believe what he was thinking.

-A month ago he came to my apartment…- I tried again, I stopped again. there was silence. Youngbae came more close to me urging me to continue. I sighed – He…he came…he wanted to talk…- god it hurt. It hurt like hell.

Now Daesung was beside my bed too and Top, suddenly very serious, walked to my other side –What did he want to talk about?- he asked.

-About…- I couldn’t stop a sob. I was so pathetic – Oh god…he…he wanted to tell me about…her- I almost vomit at the word, tears threating to roll down – He said that he loves her- the tears started falling. I took my head in my hands not wanting to face them, to let them see the broken me. I heard Youngbae cursing and something near my left ears crumble. My manager’s phone? Then a hand gently rested on my shoulder and I knew it was Daesung – Leave me alone…- I whispered – Please…-

-That stupid brat- finally Top said something – he’s going to hear me when he’ll come back –

Finally this made me react – No!- I yelled and grabbed Top’s forearm with all my strength – Let him be! Don’t talk to him! – the room fell quiet. The three members looked surprised and confused at me – Please…- I begged lowering my voice – please, he said he loves her…please…- tears began to fell again – If…- I was forcing myself to say something that would make me feel even worse – If like this he’s happy…- Youngbae cursed again. What was with him? – please, hyung…-

Top looked at me for a long moment then nodded. I sighed in relief – Thank you…- I lowered my head – I’m tired now…- I lay down and covered my eyes with an arm. There was silence for a while but I didn’t open my eyes to see why. Like that, I didn’t see the glances between Top and Youngbae, the worried frown on Daesung face. I didn’t see the small nod that Youngbae did when Top mouthed, silently, “Later”.

-Ok…- Daesung was the one who broke the silence – Rest well, Seunghyunnie- I felt his soft touch on my hair – I’ll come tomorrow too…call me if you feel lonely- he my hair a little bit more and then I heard him walk towards the door. The next hand on my shoulder was bigger and a little careless. Top hyung.

-I’ll buy some ice cream – he said squeezing my shoulder, then he left. I heard him and Daesung leave the room. Youngbae was still there. I lowered my arm to look at him. He was dangerously closed to my face.

-You know…- he started but I cut him off putting a finger on his lips.

-Don’t, hyung – it was a whisper – If you’re going to say that he’s lying…don’t – he looked confused – I know – I smiled, sadly – I think I always knew that one day he would do such a thing- a tears escaped my left eyes. I was surprised. I thought I finished them all – but he’s indeed in a relationship with her. He sleeps with her. He goes on vacations with her – I freed his mouth and his sad look made me feel a little guilt – I can’t do anything. He doesn’t want me- he tried to reply but I shushed him again – He doesn’t want me- I repeated. It was my mantra. I was trying to convince myself that it was true. Otherwise I would keep hoping and loving and hurting. He sighed and then wiped away my tears cupping my face with the kindest touch I’ve ever received from him. Then he lowered my head a little and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I smiled.

-Hyung – we looked at each other – I’m not a kid anymore-

He blushed – shut up- then pressed another soft kiss but on my lips. I was speechless – at least this stopped the tears – he sighed – don’t read too much in it- his eyes, for a moment, sparkled with something fishy…I blushed.

-HYUNG!-

He chuckled – Go to sleep now, maknae- he reached the door. He already had a hand on the doorknob when he added something – You know…Maybe he wasn’t the right one from the beginning…- then he left without even waiting for my response, leaving me speechless and with two fingers pressed on my mouth.

Here we aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!

Annyo!!!!

ZiKyung is back <3 

Did you miss me? I missed you so much <3 (yes tonight i'm full of aegyo...creepy, right?)

I'll start this little experiment so please be kind, rate and comment and remember that criticizism is always accepted when it's made to help me <3 And remember that English is not my mother tongue!

1)It's a reference to my one shot I'd rather be hated so if you want to have a background, read it but only after having read this other one shot Just the maknae

Source: @  on picture
Found on: nyongtory.tumblr.com