~ Kim Myungsoo ~

I am so thankful. I know, Sungyeol can be overprotective but I still didn't expect him to argue so viciously just so he could stay with me. It's so silly and yet I feel incredibly happy. I pretend to be strong, not to show my fears but I really need someone next to me. Someone I would feel safe with and Sungyeol is that person. I may still be jumpy, still scared so even he can't cross the certain barries my mind set out but at least he is with me. He is here and that's all I need. 

Shooting is ... different. Everyone is annoyed with the delay. Many actors had to be replaced due to the conflicting schedule and everyone is stressed. However, they don't show it. Not much. There is no hate nor anger in their eyes. They look at me with... pity? As if they feel sorry? I can't name the feeling... it's just different. 

And I ... I feel strange. The scenes today are not very hard. I guess they want me to take it easy in the beginning and still get the work done. Now, I ... How should I phrase it? I feel a connection? With my character. It seems so easy... so natural to act like him. All his hidden scars, his trauma, his uncertainity, his shyness ... All of it it's not his anymore. It's mine. 

The moment director gives a signal I change. My eyes go cold, vacant. My smile becomes just an awkward curl of the lips, my body stiffens. Swap. I am no longer here. Hyun Ki has entered the scene.

We finish quickly. There are almost no mistakes. The director even praised me. I would be delighted before but now I don't feel anything. I don't care if he likes me or not. It's not about the acting anymore. Yes, I improved. Yes, this is good for the drama, for everyone involved... for Infinite. But at what price? Is it worth it?

I sigh, close my eyes and curl up in Sungyeol' embrace in the car. Another day. Another schedule. Another obligations. What would I do if he was not by side?

~ Lee Sungyeol ~

I'm amazed. This is... Wow. Myungsoo is awesome. I have seen his previous works and I find his acting quite good. Not great but acceptable. He had flaws but he made them look insignificant. I enjoyed his dramas. However what he showed today ... I... Not even Hoya could act it that good. He was totally into it. I don't know how well he acted the character before but by the surprised expressions by the staff I assume it was not this good. 

Suddenly it all clicks. Damn it. I am an idiot. Of course, he can play it well. He lived through something similar. He doesn't have to pretend. He knows. My heart hurts. Ah. My poor Myungsoo. He's been through so much and they even make him live through it again. It's so fresh... Why push him? He is barely keeping his head above water, why do they keep drowning him?

Anger. God. I feel so angry. I surpress a laugh. I try to comfort Myungsoo, to protect him but who is going to save me? For a long time I have not been myself but noone noticed. Nobody seems to care. I'm going crazy and they don't even know it. Can I really hide it that well?

The rage. The manic look in my eyes. The intent to kill. The obsession.

~ to be continued ~

a/n: so who do you think has it worse? Myungsoo, who is struggling with everyday life or Sungyeol, who is fighting himself?

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