~ Lee Sungyeol ~

I was heading back to the dorm but for some reason I couldn't return yet. I sat down on the bench in the small park right before the building we live in. The snow stopped but it was still freezing cold outside. However, I couldn't feel the cold. I was already numb. I have no idea how long I sat there, just starring at nothing in particular. At some point it started to rain. I should go to the dorm but I couldn't move. I just continued to sit there, getting all wet. Lightenings flashed across the sky and I wondered what would happen if one of them striked me. 

I've never been really suicidal and probably not even at this moment I would take my life. I just... I sometimes think about it. If I was to really become dangerous wouldn't it be better for me to simply disappear?

I shudder. How long have I been out? I sigh. What am I doing here? I ponder about my feelings. I've started to like Myungsoo a long time ago. But when did that pure feeling transformed into such evil? I close my eyes. I wanted him. I wanted to break our friendship bubble and confess. I wanted him to love me back. To shout it loudly and clearly to the whole world. Not caring about our fans, netizens, company... anyone. I simply wanted to be with him. Without prejudice. Without worries. Was that something wrong? Maybe I was too greedy and that greed was my first sin. 

When the stalker appeared, it nourished more evil feelings inside me. Most of them of course aimed towards the stalker... (later kidnapper). I am not someone overally kind but I don't really bear grudges and I have never ever before felt such a strong hatred towards anyone. I am positive I could kill that man. And I wouldn't even feel guilty. Was that my breaking point? Was that the moment when I stopped being me?

However, this is not just about me. Can I leave the group? What will I become if I am not a part of Infinite? And would the others understand? Would they continue? My presence is not that strong. There are better loooking members, better dancers, better singers... Would they even care if I dropped out? Of course they would. I know how strong our friendship is. We are in this together or not at all. So can I rob them all of their dreams, their career? What should I do in order for me to stay in the group? How can I silence the beast that awaken inside me?

I am still lost in thought when I sense someone presence beside me. I turn around and freeze. It's Myungsoo. He is shivering but still comes to sit next to me. 

"Hey. What are you doing here?" he asks.

"I... uh..."

"There is a lot on your mind, right?"

"Yeah."

"I understand but I think you should really come back to the dorm now. You are soaking wet and it's cold. You will get sick."

"Uhm." I nod and he takes my arm, dragging me back. I feel like crying. How did he know I was here? How could he find me? Why is it again him that saves me? How can I possibly hurt him? I blink. Sungyeol, you need to do something. Fast.

~ to be continued ~

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