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written in Jay POV

The days pass by but instead of finding pleasure and thrill from carrying out my plan, the very well known emptiness sinks in. Has I lost interest so soon? I am confused. Perhaps, I am really gone, there is nothing for me left in this world. Ever since I can remember it was the same. Even when I find something worth living for it's gone sooner than it appears. I stubbornly hold on, trying to prove to everyone, probably myself the most that this is really what I want to to, that this is my purpose but I am just the same as my brother. No real dreams, no real feelings. Only illusions.

I am an idiot. For someone who has no emotions, I sure act too hastily. Shouldn't I be more rational? More constant? Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it's the other way around and I am not only a psychopath but bipolar too.. or I have some kind of new and unheard of mental disability. I can't understand myself. My actions contradict themselves, my opinions change radically...

I sigh. I hated him. His pure existence was like a torn in my eye but then... After everything that happened to him... After knowing it was my brother who did it... I felt... sorry? Ashamed. But I was overwhelmed by my newly found hate for my brother and it morphed into a goal that was originally his. I wanted to steal that from him because it would have hurt the most and at the same time I could have hurt someone I originally despised but... 

It worked. Slightly. I did damaged him but not in the way I assumed and I... I no longer feel like I want to continue. What should I do? What is there left for me? I close my eyes and a new idea strikes me. My brother. Yes. Whether I will make him my enemy or my ally, I don't know but I need to be with him. This is all the result of me leaving. He is the only one who can understand. The only one who is the same as me. I smile and get my phone. First, I send a text to Myungsoo. It would be rude of me not to say goodbey. Then I dial the police and I turn myself in.

***

to be continued