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written in Myungsoo POV

Even though I can't always express myself well. Even though I sometimes struggle to find the right words. I hope he can see my eyes and know. I pray my soul is reflecting in my orbs and everything I fail to convey to him in other way will be understood with this exchange of looks. His gaze changes with different emotions. I see fear, shame but then it morphs into confusion, surprise, astonishment... and then the only thing left is affection. 

"You are not running away." He says.

"Neither are you." He hangs his head.

"But I... You read it. You know."

"You do, too."

"It's different."

"Why?"

"Because you have a reason. What happened to you... it's not your fault. But I... I am a monster on my own."

"No. You know that's not true. You are not a monster."

"I am about to be."

"No. Do you know why?"

"Hah." I can see he doesn't believe me.

"There are no monsters in this world. Only humans who are lost. Damaged. Broken. Sometimes evil and cruel but they are still humans. Still flesh and bones and when they bleed, they bleed the same. We are like that too. Loosing our way, our control. But can you exercise power over your feelings? Over your thoughts? Is love a choice? Do you tell yourself who will you like and who hate? Can you find reasons for everything you feel? If you think about it, you will realize that certain things are simply here, simply a part of yourself. From stupid details like having two spoons of sugar in americano but none in black tea. Like prefering coke with burgers but beer with chicken. To more important ones like how you feel alive when you stand on the stage, how your heart beats fast when you see your fans. And... Sungyeol-ah... How we fell in love with each other instead of anybody else."

He is crying. Tears are flowing down his cheeks and I reach out to wipe them away, caressing his face.

"I... What he did to me... I didn't know then but I do now. It wasn't just to hurt me or scare me. It was to rob me of my freedom. He wanted to forcefully change something that was already a big part of me. He didn't let me sleep, eat, drink... then he would overfeed me. He would lock me in tiny dark spaces. He would make me feel like I was drowning... why? Because I as a human have my needs. When they rescued me... I was already beyond saving. He has already managed to climb into my subconsciousness. I couldn't adjust to being back. Every time I fell asleep I would have nightmares. Every time I went to play my character, I would go back to that time. I couldn't eat. I couldn't even take a shower without being reminded how it feels to struggle for breath. Everyday tasks were a challenge for me. Something so normal... something I wouldn't even think twice before turned into a fight against myself. Like closing doors. I always wonder whether the space is big enough. Will it trigger my memories? Or darkness... I've never realized how dark the night actually is. Or washing my hair... And you all tried to help me but how can I talk about this? You won't understand. You can't understand because for you it's trivial. It's something you do every day. And I get it because I was the same. Just not anymore. But today I've realized something important. I was afraid, worried about how will you all see me so I kept hiding. I kept pretending everything's fine when in reality nothing felt right. But if what we feel is beyond our control then even if the person changes, our feelings won't go away, would they? When you saw me and the papers on the table, you got scared. You were afraid what I will think, that I may leave you but Sungyeol-ah... Even if you turn into someone, you fear to be, I will still love you the same because you would still be Sungyeol. My Sungyeol."

He brokes down even more and I kneel down and hug him. 

"Don't be scared. You didn't hurt me. And your obsession... That I understand. I also feel like that but you are wrong. It's not the same with the kidnapper. His feelings were sick, twisted while ours are pure. He wanted to break me while you wish to protect me. Everyone has a dark side. Everyone sins. That's why we have no right to judge others. Our lives... our souls... we will take responsibility for everything after we die. There will be someone else who will give a verdict. But we are not dead, yet. So let's stop tormenting ourselves. Let's stop doubting and blaming ourselves. Let's save each other. The two of us. Huh? Because you know... people can only be truly saved by other people."

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to be continued