~ Kim Myungsoo ~

We fall asleep together and I wake up happy. Finally, I had a good rest and my heart feels light. I smile and look at Sungyeol's sleeping face. I am so grateful. He can always make me feel better and he doesn't even need to try. It's enough for me that he is here. I stand up and carefully leave the room. I know he needs to sleep as much as possible. All of this is really taking its toll on him and that pabo is keeping quiet about it. I sigh and prepare to leave for my schedule. I shouldn't be angry with him. I am doing the same afterall. 

The manager is surprised to see me ready and actually in a good mood.

"Has something happened?"

"Maybe..." I smile and he just shakes his head.

"Okay, keep your secrets. I am relieved you are finally smiling. You know, we are all worried about you."

I nod and get in the car. I watch as we pass the streets and wonder. It's the same route we take every day but today it's different. Nothing really changed but my perception is altering. I think about how many places are in our neighbourhood that we haven't been to? How many of them we pass each day without paying any attention?

I always nap during the drive, memorize the script, check the schedule, think about what am I going to say, listen to the music... Whatever I am in the mood for. However, I don't look outside. I don't observe the people walking on the streets, the shops displayes... Today, I want to see. Suddenly, I am interested. It's not just buildings, it's the people. I carefully take in everyone on the street. I don't understand why am I doing it until I realize I am analyzing them. Thinking about what they do, who they are and.... can I take them on if we fight? I gulp. Oh yeah. I am not fascinated with my surroundings, I didn't suddenly discover their hidden charm. I am looking for threats. 

I close my eyes for a second and scold myself. This is paranoia. I can't doubt everyone. I can't constantly search for escape routes and take in everything potentially dangerous. The kidnapper was catched and is in prison. I have nothing to fear. All of a sudden I realize I don't even know HIS name. It's always "the stalker", "the kidnapper"... Should I ask the police? I am sure they would tell me. Or is it better not knowing?

We arrive on the set and I change into my uniform. The shooting starts quickly and I rehearse the scene.

The bullies lock Hyun Ki in the cleaning room. It's small and dusty and dark. Hyun Ki is especially scared of the darkness. He doesn't like to be in the dark places because that's when he can see THEM. His own demons. They take psysical form and laugh at him. 

When I get into the room, my heart beats strongly and I start to sweat. Oh, I don't like dark places either. I sit with my back to the wall and my knees brought up to my chin. My eyes scan the surroundings, sometimes stopping as if I was focusing on the demons only I could see. I understand this fear. I am not pretending. My own demons are looking at me. The terror slowly grows. I start to shake and my eyes get moist.

"Save me... Please... let me out." I am only whispering. My soul is too broken to shout. There is no strenght left just the very genuine need to get out. I am on the verge of passing out when one of the teachers opens to door and finds me.

"Oh my God, Hyun Ki! What are you doing here?" 

At this point I can't even react. My eyelids flutters, I am all pale and sweaty and he immediately takes me into his arms and carries me to the medical office. The moment I feel his strong arms around me I tense. Hyun Ki feels relieved, saved but it's uncomfortable for me. I try to get back into being Hyun Ki but I can't shake off that weird feeling. I don't like it when someone touches me. Fortunately, the office is near and I am laid down on the bed. Only then I start to truly relax. The director yells cut and everyone switches back to themselves. Only I remain on the bed, gathering my strenght and trying to get my heart under control.

"Hey, you okay kiddo?" The actor playing the teacher asks me and I manage to pull myself into a sitting position.

"Yeah, yeah. I am just a little tired."

"Are you busy with your group? What was it again? Infinity?"

"Infinite. And just a little bit. It's okay. I am fine really." 

He smiles and leaves to chat with other actors. I look to the ground. Can I continue playing this role? I was lucky today. The scene was not too long but what if we had to retake it? What if next time I will be forced to confront my demons longer? Can I escape from my own nightmare again? I study my hands and think about what will happen if I start to have flashbacks. I remember everything vividly but so far I could keep my memories in check. Most of the time. What if I start to break with this role? Just as Hyun Ki is slowly loosing it, what if I push myself to the point of no return?

to be continued