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written in Sungyeol POV

Sunggyu carries Myungsoo to our room and I silently follow. He tugs him in the bed and then smiles at me. It's one of the saddest smiles I've ever seen. He leaves, closing the door behind him. He doesn't say anything but I understand. I sit on the floor beside Myungsoo, looking at his sleeping face. He seems tired. As in no amount of sleep will cure this tiredness because it's not just the body that's suffering. It's the mind. I feel a sharp piercing pain in my heart and I grit my teeth. 

They say everything happens for a reason but I can't see one now. Why would they make him suffer so much? He has never hurt anybody, he is nice and polite and soft-hearted. He gets hurt so easily... His sleeping face is beautiful. I know there are many good-looking boys, some in the industry, some not but I swear Myungsoo is in the top of the whole world. His face is just... Perfect. No plastic surgeon can make you look like this. You have to be born with it. It's a beauty that everyone acknowledges and yet, I think it's his face that gives him the most complexes. It's funny, isn't it? How everything has two sides?

I take a shuddering breath. I tried to keep everything locked up but I don't think I can continue like this. Myungsoo said to try pretend with him but... I need to release at least some of it. There is nobody I can talk to. My family would worry too much, the members have enough to deal with on their own, my friends would not understand... Should I really seek professional help? Suddenly, I have an idea. Writing. Maybe if I wrote down what I feel... what I think... maybe it would help me.

I get a notebook and a pen. The lamp is always on since the accident. Myungsoo can't be in the total darkness and I don't really mind. I start scribbling. At first, it's awkward I've never done it before but soon I feel the burden lessening and my hand moves on its own.

Okay, this is weird... But I feel I should introduce myself first. Hah. I am not even addressing this to anyone.. but still. I am Lee Sungyeol and... I have a problem. I... I'm in love with Kim Myungsoo. That's nothing new and it wouldn't even be a problem except that we are both male and famous but uh... He... He got hurt recently. Very much and I... I couldn't do anything. Guilt is such a funny thing. It doesn't matter whether you deserve it or not... you can't rationalize with it. It simply comes and stays until you are completely crushed under its weight. 

I wasn't the one to hurt him. I was not the perpetrator. But in my mind I am no better than him. Because even though I was not the one to attack him, I couldn't protect him either. That was maybe the beginning... I was always a little the self blame type. I took my failures very hard but now... this self-loathing... I truly hate myself and that destroyed me. I had evil thoughts before... Sometimes I didn't even know about them but... since... since I've started to see myself as the monster... that's when the darkness that was asleep inside of me woke up. 

You see... I... I think I've sinned. If not in action, then in mind at least. We have seven deadly sins, right? How many of them you need to sin before you become the devil? For me... I am in the upper scale. 

Lust.

Oh yeah. The things I want to do with Myungsoo are not only in the sweet and loving category. I have desires. Very dark desires.

Gluttony.

Hm. I am not sure about this one. I've never took any sick pleasure from eating but... I did enjoy it too much sometimes.

Greed.

I am greedy. Maybe not so much for the materialistic things but I want Myungsoo only to myself.

Sloth.

It's defined as a failure to do things that one should do. Oh nothing fits me better, right?

Wrath.

This was a new one. I've been angry before but with the kidnapper... Such a strong intent to kill, to hurt him... This was very new to me and yet... It felt true.

Envy.

Hah. Where to start? I envy many... far too many people.

Pride.

The only one I haven't sinned yet. If I become prideful... will there really be no saving me? Since this is the original sin, the strongest one... am I still able to fight because I didn't sin it? I may have built up the surface but I've missed the core. 

I sigh and stop writing. The pages are being filled with the characters that carry the weight of my failures. There is a lot more on my mind but this is enough for today. I can't get rid of it all the first time. I feel better. Really much better. I faintly smile. Maybe, I can still win this fight. Maybe, I've just found the way how.

***

to be continued

a/n: just a quick reminder - this is a SEQUAL. therefore I make references to the first story and you should really read it to understand this completely so in case there are any readers who didn't - go here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/416898/obsession-drama-infinite-myungsoo-myungyeol-sungyeol-hurtcomfort