~ Lee Sungyeol ~

Have I always cared that much? I love my family, my friends, other members but Myungsoo is still different. With him I lose all reason. I can't think straight and I don't care if I am immature or selfish. I am simply controlled by my feelings. Having him in my embrace feels like heaven. How long have I strived for this? How much have I missed him? Nobody could ever come between him and me. I won't ever let that happen again. 

Maybe I shouldn't have asked about it but I... It kills me I don't know how to help him. What exactly happened? What should I do? I see him changing. I know he is trying to cope, to overcome this on his own but is that possible? Is he really strong enough to pull through this by himself? He has our support, we are all here for him but is that enough?

My own fear, the dark demon hiding inside me smiles and nudge my insides but I ignore it. I know I am loosing it. I am well aware that I am becoming dangerous but that's for me to worry about later. Myungsoo needs me and I would do anything for him so I grit my teeth and let the pleasant warmth consume the icing cold. I need to concentrate on what I feel for him. I need to nourish that love and bury whatever else is trying to escape. 

Maybe I should keep my distance but I am not strong enough to do that. I depend on him too much. Moreover, I really think my presence may help him. I look at his face and softly smile.

"When are you shooting again?"

"Tomorrow."

"How is it on the set?"

"I don't know. It's... different. Not bad. But not good either."

"I'm sorry I can't go with you anymore."

"Nah... it's okay. You can't always be by my side."

"Why can't I?" I blurt that out without thinking and immediately curse myself. 

Myungsoo is silent for a while and I clench my fists. I am such an idiot. Just when I am about to open my mouth to say something, he starts talking.

"I would like it. You know how much I appreciate your company. I also wish we could always be together. It was like that even before all of this happened. Everytime we had a different schedule or went visit our families or see our friends, I would miss you. Never mind it was only couple of hours, sometimes days, every time I missed you. Now, I feel scared. All the time. I am afraid of people but I am more afraid to be alone. I am lost in a fight in which there is no winner. So of course, I want you to be with me. It's you. I can't fear you. I feel safe with you. Protected. But that's not the solution. If we want to continue as Infinite and if I am to get over what happened, I must learn to accept that fear. It may never go away but I need to learn how to live with it. I need to be able to do this on my own. And the same goes for you. I know, you are all having a hard time. Everyone is focused on me but I am not the only victim here. I am aware of that. And you, more than anyone else, is also suffering. That's why I apologized. Just as I need you, you need me. So let's spend more time with each other. I was keeping my distance from everyone and I sort of need to do that... and I've noticed you've been keeping your distance from me lately but let's stop. Avoiding each other won't help us. I was wrong to think that. So when we can, let's be like this. Talking or being quiet. Doesn't matter. Let's just be together but let's work hard. When we are apart, we should just focus on our work."

That's it. I start crying and hug him tightly to my chest, his hair. 

"I... I'm just scared I would hurt you. You've been through so much how could I live with myself if you suffered more pain because of me?"

Myungsoo also starts to cry and bury his head into me, as if was trying to crawl inside me.

"You can't hurt me. I trust you."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"Maybe you should believe in yourself more."

"I..."

"Sungyeol-ah... let's pretend. If we pretend long enough, one day it will become the truth."

I squeeze my eyes shut and nod.

"Yeah, let's try that."

to be continued

a/n: I had some health issues and now I am terribly behind with my work so I won't be updating very much but I hope you can still stay with me and enjoy the chapters as they come :)