The air was cold as I kept on walking, bumping into some students on my way. On the outside I tried to stay as collected as I always did, mentally trying to avoid an inner breakdown. I’d usually fall in distraction and think about something else instead of the burning in my throat, or the achingly heavy feeling in my chest.

Today, I couldn’t seem to avoid it at all.

Aimlessly I walked alone for several minutes, but even then I didn’t feel any better. Honestly, I just felt worse the more time passed.

After what felt like hours of heaviness inside, my legs gave in and I found myself sitting down by the wooden stands of the huge football field not too far away. Huh, I didn’t even remember walking that far, but I guess it didn’t matter.

I cautiously let my gaze drift around the wide football field and the almost never ending, wooden tribune. A cold breeze passed me by as I sat there alone with my own thoughts, the recent events playing all over again in my head.  Slowly I crossed my legs together as I grabbed my notebook, hoping to distract myself with homework.

With shaky hands I removed some strands of my hair that kept on attacking my face, although the wind wasn’t quite helping me with that. In the end I just let I be as I looked down at my notes. However, instead of chemicals and potions, the only thing I could hear in my head was the same, damn words.

“Wow, she must pity you.”

It stinged a little when the words repeated themselves in my head.

“You’re such a loser.”

 I felt my breath quicken up. It was almost as if I was losing my lungs.

“It’s not like you can get a real friend.”

The wind suddenly stopped dead, my hair falling back to its place as the pages stopped fluttering. My eyes grew a little heavy as I looked straight at the notebook, trying not to break down. The pen in my hand felt lose, my fingers still trembling just a little. I tried to at least make my writing readable, but in the end I just gave up before dropping the pen on the book, and it rolled off somewhere on the ground.

“You should stop dropping your pen so often.”

For the second time that day I nearly jumped in surprise. Slowly I opened my eyes to see a pale hand with pink nails holding out the pen I was previously using. Carefully I took it back again, bowing softly, yet not finding the courage to look up at her face. “I’m sorry I’m late, the teacher held us back for some extra studying. But when I went to my locker you weren’t there,” she said after a while, her voice trailing off a little.

Though I was still confused as if how Tiffany managed to find me here, I didn’t ask. I wasn’t really in the mood for talking at all actually.

Not that I ever was.

I heard her take a seat next to me and her hands were placed on top of her lap. Now it was the only thing I could really see from the corner of my eye; I still couldn’t get myself to look up at her face. Had I been in the mood I’d probably replied with something witty, but I couldn’t even get myself to hold the pen correctly.

Ironic how I’d been rendered speechless in every way, even when it came to writing. “Jess, is something wrong?” her voice changes a bit, it almost sounds like worry, but I don’t want to give my hopes up. The words still spin around my head, making me a little dizzy.

“She must pity you.”

Soon enough it escalated so quickly that I couldn’t really bear to look in front of me anymore, and my head fell between my knees. “What happened? Are you sick?” Tiffany asked again before a soft pressure landed on my back, and the small of her hand rubed circles around it, the touch a little soothing. “Maybe we should get you to the nurse?” she asked, her voice mabye worrying, maybe not.

For some reason I wanted to laugh about the whole situation.

Laugh so hard until I couldn’t breathe.

Until the words would disappear.

Until I just couldn’t feel anymore.

Maybe I’d be so loud that no one could hear my anymore, or maybe I could’ve been put in a soundproof room, away from everyone.

I thought of this, but I still feel heavy inside. Almost as if the weight inside wouldn’t disappear and that would void just get worse, and worse. And instead of laughing I feel wet drops stream along my cheeks.

“Jess…” Tiffany called out through a wavering voice.  “Please say something,” she continued. By now she almost sounded as if she was pleading, begging me to at least reply with something.

It took a while, but I managed to lift my head to look up at her, not even bothering to hide the dry streaks of tears. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t notice anyway.

I was right as her eyes widened a little when our gazes finally meet, her lips are a little parted. Then she drew herself closer with her free arm, the warmth instantly transferring over to me. She didn’t say anything; she just has her arm around me, still drawing small circles along my shoulder.

 Somehow it eased my heart just a little, and slowly, but surely I feel my heart and lungs calm down. My spinning head stopped a little and over all I felt better by the simple gesture.

Minutes passed us by again, not a single word shared as we just sat there, and by now I felt calm again. Although most of the words were still there in my head, I had managed to ignore them for the most part.

Slowly I grabbed my pen, pressing it lightly on the paper. There were so many things I wanted to say yet I didn’t know how. My words kept messing themselves up and nothing made sense in my head. Should I tell her what happened?

Instead of thinking too much, I simply write the first thing in my mind.

“I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”