Leukemia…

I have heard of the cancer before multiple times in class, but never paid more attention to it than needed. For me I just thought of it as a mere name of a big disease, but now I’ve successfully gained a new perception on it the more I hear about it, and I find myself disliking it more and more.

“I’ve stopped reacting to treatments,” Tiffany says as we sit on the green grass upon the football field in school, none of us really having the desire to go home as of now. “The doctors used to tell me that it was going to be fine, that I’d get through it,” and then her words trail off until she stays silent for a while. “But they’ve stopped telling me that now.”

The stadium lights shine upon us as we sit here and view a starless sky. A gush of wind gently passes us and seeps through my jacket, causing shivers down my spine. As I look at Tiffany I see her lost daze again, upon her tired appearance and I wondered how I couldn’t have noticed sooner. “Why aren’t you at the hospital?” I ask timidly, my hands tucked inside the pockets of my jacket to regain some warmth inside of me. Tiffany simply smiles a little distantly before replying.

“I’d rather live a short life like this, than live in an extended life inside of a hospital room,” she simply says before looking at me with a small smile, and silently I nod in agreement. “I still get check-ups and stuff like that, but I don’t actually stay there. It’s better like this,” she adds after a while and it falls silent between us as I try to sink the words in.

I want to ask how long, but at the same time I know that some things are better left unknown. I don’t want to cause myself anymore pain, and I don’t want Tiffany to feel stressed out or obligated to tell me either. We don’t need anymore dark thoughts after this, and instead of being realistic for once I opt to pretend that nothing’s going to change, and that no one is going to leave.

At some point we both end up lying down on the grass, a little closer than before but not too near. From what I can see there’s only a few specks of shining lights in the sky, small stars scattered everywhere. “Jess,” Tiffany calls out, and I hum in reply as my eyes are still focused on the sky.

“I know that I did is stupid, and that you probably won’t want to listen to what I have to say now… but I still like you.”

My heart beats a little faster as I hear those words, a surge of happiness and somehow relief running throughout my body. However I don’t know how or what to say to that, my head already too lost in my thoughts after what just happened, my heart still a bit wary after what had happened previously. “I really, really like you,” she continues, her voice growing a little clearer. “But I’m scared. I don’t even know why, I’m just scared...”

Carefully I turn my gaze to look at her for a split second, my eyes lingering before I tear them away again. I inhale before trying to think of something to ease her, calm her down, but I come blank because I honestly don’t know what to say. “I think…” I say after a while, trying to utter out some more words before going totally blank again. “It’s okay to be afraid, and do you wanna know a secret?” I ask and for some odd reason I get a sense of déjà vu, the situation seeming so familiar, like that time when we first confessed to each other. Fond by the memory I let out a faint smile, clearly remembering what’s coming next.

“I’m afraid as well.”

In the heavy silence between us Tiffany suddenly laughs, her somewhat hoarse voice echoing throughout the area. She probably remembers that moment just as much as I do, and I quickly find myself laughing along with her. It’s weird how we were both crying our eyes out earlier by a bus stop, and now we’re on the football field laughing together. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster between us, going up and down constantly with sharp turns.

Our laughter calms down to only uneven breaths after needing oxygen again. By now we’re left with a much more comfortable silence, the tense aura between us fading away little by little. But it doesn’t take too long until Tiffany breaks it again. “Could you ever give me a second chance?” she asks and I feel her eyes on me as I face the sky. A million thoughts run through my head after she asks the question and leaves me unanswered because I honestly don’t know what to say.

“I know it’s a lot to think of, especially because of the way I treated you, but just consider it… please?”

The silence between us is longer than before and my mind is still scattered all over the place. Everything just seems too much to bear, too much to think of.  For once I’m actually aware of what might happen in the end, but I know I’ll never get used to the fact that everything has an expiration date.

But when I turn to look at Tiffany again I see the sincerity in her eyes, the emotions so there and simply so raw that it’s a little overwhelming. And then I just know that no matter what happens I shouldn’t let her go just like that and rather hold on for all that its worth.

Instead of actually saying something, I let my actions speak because words can wait for now, they can always be said or told another time. And as I lean in to give her a peck on her lips, something I’ve honestly missed, I give her that as my answer, and I suppose she understands after the smile on her face.