After that I didn’t see Hyuna anymore during the holidays. Not that I necessarily tried to look for her, but she wasn’t at the mall, the park or even out and about; for some reason it felt like she just vanished in to thin air. Not that I liked to admit it, but a part of me was still kind of worried for her, even if I had no reason to be. Subconsciously I would think of her from time to time after that incident, and wonder where she was. However, I know she’ll come around one day.

They always do.

We held no contact after that night and that’s something I expected; I doubt we’re even going to talk anymore again, but that is only something time can tell. Still I wonder where she is from time to time, if she’s alright. Basically, the type of worry I had for Hyuna was either filled with pity or genuinely concern, but I never knew which one of those it was. Either way it preoccupied my thoughts for a bit.

The days passed me by like a minute ticking on the clock. Lost in spending time with Tiffany, wondering about certain persons or simply sleeping, I never realized that the days were going by that fast until I looked up at the calendar one day and realized that it’s Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve… the day I’ll spend Christmas with Tiffany and her family.

Honestly, I’m not going to lie, I am nervous. What if they suspect something? What if they won’t approve of our relationship if they find out? I don’t think Tiffany’s exactly going to jump on me in front of them either, but I don’t know, I’m just scared we might be standing too close, or we might be touching each other too much. A hundred thoughts just ran in my head at once until the point where I just had to sit down and try not to think. It’s about an hour left until the clock strikes two pm, and that’s when Tiffany and her parents are supposed to pick me up. Apparently her grandparents live a little while away from the city, in a little small area about two hours away by car.

I sigh as I sit in the middle of the living room, before drifting my gaze towards the window, watching flakes of snow fall from the sky. It may be only about one o’clock, but the sun is already starting to set, bright rays reflecting through the glass and windows. My fingers start playing with the threads of the old rug I’m sitting on, the one I used to share with Krystal during Christmas, my mind drifting off along with the sunlight.

Krystal and I kept chasing each other around the living room one Christmas when I was eleven and she was nine, trying not to knock over anything as we ran. In a spontaneous round of tag due to our excitement of the next day, we tried to calm down this way, letting our anticipation wear out by the constant running.

“Kids, it’s time to go to bed,” my mother called out from the bathroom, probably applying one of those creams adults used. I remember curiously looking up from the sink every time she did so, wondering when I would be able to use such products. My mother always laughed while saying I would have to wait many years, before placing the different types of products down.

“But mom, can’t we stay up a little longer?” Krystal whined as our steps came to a halt in front of my mother, who stood tall in front of us with a smile before patting both of our heads, despite the height difference between me and Krystal. “The earlier you go to sleep, the earlier Santa will come by,” my mother always used to coax us with that, and eagerly Krystal would smile and sprint towards the carpet, our blankets already on the floor along with our pillows. I would always follow her a little later, until we would both lie there and our mother would sit next to the petite, plastic Christmas tree and make sure we were both lying comfortable (or as comfortable as we could), before singing softly to us, hand gently away fallen hair stands on our faces.

“I'm dreaming of a white Christmas 
Just like the ones I used to know 
Where the treetops glisten, 
and children listen 
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas 
With every Christmas card I write 
May your days be merry and bright 
And may all your Christmases be white,”

By now Krystal would be fast asleep, already gone in wonderland whilst I was barely awake, my eyelids feeling heavy and drowsy. With the soft tune of my mother’s voice not really helping me at all, I always felt myself slipping away at the same part of the song every single year.

And with a smile on her face, my mother would simply look at me while singing the last verse again, her hands tucking us in and her lips giving us a small kiss on our foreheads, a motherly type of feeling which sent good types of vibes throughout my body.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas 
With every Christmas card I write 
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white,”

My mother’s smile and gestures would always be my last image at night before I finally fell asleep, her warmth seeping through my body and spreading all over to keep me content. I always thought that many more Christmas’s would be spent like this in the exact same way, but it didn’t. I just didn’t believe it would end like that one day.

The shrill tone of my phone echoes throughout the room and ultimately it causes the image of my vanishing mother and sister to fade, fade until I’m back in the present, the lullaby of my mother long gone along with the presence of my younger sister. Absentmindedly I grab the phone from the floor beside me, not even bothering to look at the caller ID as I answer; already knowing who it is by now. “Hello?” I ask into the phone, and instantly I pull it away from my ear to spare my ear drums from being completely damaged.

“Jessie!” Tiffany nearly shouts from the other line; I can hear it even while holding my phone a good distance away. After a while of checking if she’s done, I place the phone closer to my ear again. “Jeez, did you win the lottery or something?” I ask with curiosity and sarcasm at the same time, still a little thrown off by her loudness. Not that Tiffany is ever particularly quiet, but still it is surprising, at least with the fact she’s been more quiet than usual these days. “Or did you see something pink?”

A huff echoes from the other line. “Why are you always so sarcastic with me?” she asks instead, and I find myself silently chuckling by her antics. Another silent sigh escapes my lips, but I hope Tiffany doesn’t hear it. “I can’t decide if I’m going to wear the red or the blue dress,” Tiffany muses through the phone. I roll my eyes by that. “You nearly wail into the phone because you can’t decide which color you want on your dress? Wow Tiff, wow….” I reply with yet another sarcastic mark, maybe a bit sharper than I intended to, but Tiffany doesn’t seem to care or she’s just ignoring it. However, even if I can’t see her, I can seriously feel her pout.

Wow, that’s kind of creepy.

“But I want to look pretty,” she says and I honestly want to tell her that it doesn’t matter. She can be wearing a ball gown or a potato sack and she’d probably still look gorgeous. I straighten my back up, knowing that whatever sarcastic remark I have won’t really help her anyway. I start wiggling with my toes inside my warm socks as I sit there on the floor, my eyes still on the snow outside.

“I’d go for red; I think I’m going to wear something blue,” I say after a while of short silence. “You can’t be stealing my color now, missy,” I mock scold her a little later, trying to ease up both my mood and distract her from asking. A small and faint laugh is heard until there is some movement from the other line. It takes a couple of seconds until I can finally hear Tiffany’s voice again.

“We could match though!” Tiffany says a little too excitedly, and I smile faintly by her voice. I’m not exactly going to dress up; I haven’t dressed up in years actually. I never had the economy to go out and buy fancy dresses or exclusive shoes, but even though I would drool at some clothes I’d never really buy them unless I needed them. My eyes study my figure, wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and an old shirt. Can’t exactly say I’ve got chic style, but as long as there are clothes on my back I never minded.

“Do whatever you please, Princess,” I say before looking out at the snow again. The line goes quiet for a while, and I’m about to ask if she’s still there until Tiffany suddenly beats me to it. “Are you alright?” she asks after a while. Tiffany seems to have sensed my somewhat distant mood, and I finally feel myself sighing again as I hug my body closer. “Sorry, I’m just thinking a little,” I say after a while sitting there, the streetlights slowly starting to turn on, even if it’s not that dark outside.

“Is it about…?” she asks timidly, but I already know who she’s thinking about. I nod, even though she can’t see me through the line, before a somewhat hoarse yes escapes my mouth. “I’m fine though, really,” I say to reassure her, though I’m honestly not sure how I’m feeling.

I don’t feel particularly devastated as I used to, but I just have this little empty space inside that won’t seem to fill up. It’s been bugging me a lot these few days, and it may have affected my mood. Even if we’ve been out of school for almost a week already, Tiffany and I haven’t seen much to each other. Although Tiffany insists on doing something despite her tired state, I usually decline because she does need rest, and I just need time to think. In the days she didn’t feel too tired though, we either took a walk outside or sat on the cold benches of the football field in school.

“You’ve been oddly quiet lately,” Tiffany says after a while, as I hear her shuffle across her room somewhere. Then I hear the faint creaking of her bed, probably sitting on it by now. I find myself picturing her by now, probably in her pink pajamas and fuzzy slippers, sitting there while slightly swinging her thin legs, because she just can’t stand still. “I’ve had a lot and nothing on my mind,” I say honestly, because it’s the closest I can get to detect my mood. It’s as if I’ve been invaded by various thoughts and voices in my head, and at the same time I’ve been blank like a white sheet of paper.

“You want to talk about it?” Tiffany asks and for some reason, for a split second I feel myself spinning around again. Multiple thoughts almost melting into nothing, until I finally turn back to normal with a faint smile. “You should get ready, and I have to do some stuff in the house before I leave… I’ll see you later,” I say instead of answering, but Tiffany seems to sense that I really don’t want to talk about it, and slowly seems to let it go.

“Sure, we’ll be there in an hour. I can’t wait to see you!” she says somewhat cheerfully, but I sense the little disappointment in her voice and feel guilty for not opening up about it, but I just can’t right now. After all I want this day to be a little more “jolly”, as they so say during Christmas times. “Can’t wait to see you either,” I say for the first time something I really, really meant with a somewhat genuine smile on my face, despite the empty feeling inside. Then we hang up and I’m met with nothing but silence again.

I sit there for a few minutes more before getting up and heading towards my room. On a rusty hanger is a pale blue dress I’ve had for a while, but never used. It’s pretty simple actually, it’s just a loose, strapless dress that one can easily take over your head and it’s on.  And by placing a belt by the waist it looks a little more dressed up than usually. It’s not much, but I like it at least.

My eyes study the dress for a while before I gently undress myself to take the dress on, along with some stockings so I won’t freeze to death either. When it finally slides onto my body, I place a thin silver belt on before adjusting the dress. Then I move slowly towards the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is set up in a slightly damp, lazy braided ponytail as I got out of the shower for a while ago. I simply stand there, looking at my bare face before sighing and getting to work.

After a while I just decide to let my hair down, naturally wavy curls instead of the usually straight hair of mine. I don’t really bother straightening it this time; just keeping those curls before gently applying some makeup. Normally I don’t wear too much of it; just some mascara and concealer. This time I wear most of the usual, except I use some BB cream to naturally cover up my seemingly tired face. Coming with dark circles around your eyes isn’t exactly pretty, or presentable.

Then I apply some pink lipstick, along with mascara and white eyeliner so I’ll seem a bit more awake. And as I look at myself in the mirror again, I smile slightly at the reflection that looks so much better than the previous one just a few minutes ago. When I’m finally done though, I look at the time and realize I still have about half an hour left. Checking the clock on the table, I then find my gaze absentmindedly going to the door to Krystal’s room. And for a reason I find myself gently walking towards it, until my hand gently touches the doorknob and twists it, and I enter the darkness of the room.

Turning the light on, it’s still the same as the last time I was here, albeit I tidied it a bit more up so there wouldn’t be papers everywhere. Silently glancing around the room, I look at the posters and pictures on the wall before naturally sitting down on the chair next to her desk.

Then I look at the picture of Krystal smiling, the one I remember seeing the last time I went in here with a state of clouded mind. Only this time, I feel better, but still lost. My eyes study the picture for another while, until I find myself slowly talking to the picture of Krystal, almost as if she’s here, but she isn’t. “Merry Christmas, Krys… It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I say while simply looking, leaning back on the chair a little. The silence around me is inventible, after all it’s only me here, but oddly enough I don’t feel alone. I just sit there for another moment until suddenly speaking again.

“You know, things haven’t really changed since you left,” I say absentmindedly, moving parts of my hair away from my face. “School is the same; everything is the same really… But I met someone for a while ago now. Tiffany, she goes to my school as well and just moved from California. You know, where you and I were born? Tiffany and I were even born in the same hospital, just on different dates. It’s weird that we didn’t live there for long though, maybe we could’ve met her earlier…” I say before trailing off, my voice getting a bit softer towards my ears. Of course it’s still silence around me, and I don’t really await a reply, so I simply continue after clearing my thoughts.

“Anyway, so she’s helped me a lot actually. It’s easier for me to speak now, even towards total strangers. I don’t do it all the time, but it’s more frequent than before at least. I know you always wanted me to talk more to other people, even if you didn’t say anything about it. I suppose you were just worried, but I’m fine, everything is fine. I just wished I knew how you were doing.”

For some weird reason, the somewhat cold air in the room vanishes a little, as if something was just wrapped around my arms, like a blanket of some sorts. It seeps from my skin and within, heating me up and oddly enough, that hollow feeling inside disappears a little by that. Slowly, gradually fading away from my chest and filling up with something I can’t describe, but makes me feel better.

“Are you fine, wherever you are, Krystal?” I ask to no one, really, but as the warmth around me only tightens, almost as if someone’s grip was tugging me closer, I suddenly get the confirmation I needed in a way. Almost as if she was here, telling me that yes, I’m fine, and that she is okay. “I miss you, you know that, right?” I ask almost like a whisper, and again that warmth gets more apparent towards me, and I find myself smiling again. “It’s good to know you’re doing fine,” I say, and after a while the comfortable, familiar warmth that surrounded me disappears little by little, until I feel as if I’m the only one here again. I sigh by that, but I do feel a little better for some reason.

A sudden buzz from the door however awakes my thoughts, as I hurriedly get up from the chair and walk towards the door, but check the time again. Has thirty minutes passed by so quickly? Clicking on the speaker button, I simply greet her with a small hello, and Tiffany’s familiar voice booms through the old speakers. “Guess who’s here?” she asks and I suppose she’s grinning from ear to ear, and I let out a small laugh before replying. “I’ll be down in a minute,” I say and I’m about to turn around until her voice starts echoing through the apartment.

“Can you let me in though? I need to use the bathroom,” she says, and I laugh again before clicking the button to open the door. Even though I live on the second floor, I can still hear the door open and close, along with rushed footsteps walking up the stairs. I unlock the front door, and soon enough it opens to reveal a happy Tiffany.

“Merry Christmas!” she says with a huge smile and suddenly engulfs me in a hug. Her coat is cold and covered in snow, which keeps on falling down, but I don’t mind as I simply hug her back, despite some of the snow transferring over to my dress. I laugh a little by Tiffany’s eagerness, patting her back before letting go.

Tiffany is still latching onto me though, and before I can say anything she plants a kiss straight on my lips. Surprised I stand there for a few seconds, but kiss back slowly until we part. My eyes closed somewhere during the kiss as I stepped behind, but now as the familiar feeling of Tiffany’s lips disappeared, I opened them to look over at her. Her face is painted in basically the same type of makeup as me, albeit she’s wearing red lipstick instead of the usual pink one.

“I suppose you didn’t actually need to use the bathroom?” I ask sarcastically, but with more humor this time than before. Tiffany lets out a sheepish smile though, before she finally breaks loose from the embrace. “Actually I do, I just wanted to kiss you first,” she says cutely, before suddenly skipping away towards the bathroom after taking of her boots. I laugh by her antics before going inside my room to collect my bag of clothes and whatnot. We’re going to sleep over and stay until late Christmas Day according to Tiffany; apparently it’s easier that way.

I wait in the hallway for a couple of minutes, and carelessly I look up at the small mirror and to my surprise, I find my previous colored lips covered in red. With that sight I let out an amused chuckle, before heading towards the bathroom. “Was it really necessary to turn my whole lip red?” I say from the other side of the door, and as I hear the faucet turn on, I hear Tiffany laugh. “Well mine are more pinkish now, so I don’t mind,” she says and I roll my eyes before opening the door, seeing Tiffany standing by the sink washing her hands.

I look down to her lips and see that they are indeed more pinkish, and I laugh again before walking towards the little makeup bag by the corner, and remove the lipstick before applying a new layer.

“You shouldn’t have done that, what if I want to kiss you again?” Tiffany asks, actually seriously, and I find myself laughing again. “Too bad, you’re going to have to wait until I take my makeup off,” I say to , and I gain a playful nudge before she disappears out of the room. Again I laugh before following shortly, turning off the lights and heading out to the narrow hallway. Tiffany has already gotten her boots back on, one of her hands in the pockets of her pink coat and the other reached out towards me. “Let’s go?” she asks, and I nod before slipping on my shoes and slinging my small bag over my shoulder, and taking Tiffany’s hand as we head out.

We only get to hold hands for a short while until I let go when we step outside, not wanting her parents to gain suspicious. They still don’t know about us, after all. I look down at my now empty hand, and find myself missing the warmth, so I tuck it inside my pocket as we walk towards the car.

The trip towards her grandparent’s house is mostly filled with typical, overplayed Christmas music on the radio, along with the occasional chatter. Tiffany’s mother appears as she always has, with a smiling face and relaxed personality. Her father didn’t say much at all, but I suppose he was more of the quiet type, a type I can relate to. For the most part we stay in a comfortable silence, the snow falling down as the huge city gets further and further away from our sight.

After some time, which actually went by quite quickly, we arrive at a semi-big, white house amongst many others in a small neighborhood. It’s pretty wide; with a garden surrounding the whole area of the house, albeit covered in snow, it must be very beautiful during the summer times. When the car finally stops as we park outside of their garage, I feel a new type of nervousness seep through me as we start to get out of the car.

Although I’ll be meeting them as Tiffany’s friend, it’s still kind of nerve wrecking with the fact that for less than a year ago I didn’t even have a friend. And to top it off I haven’t celebrated Christmas properly for many, many years, most of the traditions really lost or forgotten for me.

We walk towards a small and narrow path which leads from the garage and towards the front door. It’s a dark wooden door at that, mostly covered in colored glass in the center of it. And as Tiffany’s father knocks on the door, a sudden crash is head from inside the house. I barely manage myself to stop jumping in surprise, but Tiffany and her parents seem unfazed by the sudden sound as footsteps suddenly are heard.

“You’re earlier than I expected!” A deep voice booms from the inside as the door opens, and I can’t really see the person’s face, but it’s obvious that it’s a man according to the voice. I look over to Tiffany, who after a few seconds looks over to me as well. A faint smile escapes her lips. “Sorry, Grandpa is pretty clumsy, so he makes a lot of noise. We’re kind of used to it though,” she says after while leaning closer to whisper into my ear. I nod understandingly as she leans back again and we finally step inside from the cold.

The house is warm, and by warm I’m not talking about the temperature, but the way it’s styled. There are cream painted walls, along with pale colored furniture. It has a type of vintage feel to it in fact, almost as if it was a house from the sixties, yet still pretty modern in its own way. The first thing you see when you enter the hallway is the stairs leading up towards the second floor inside a pretty narrow hallway spilled with pictures and other types of art. I smile faintly when I see a picture of Tiffany probably taken a couple of years ago.

When we take off our coats and shoes, suddenly a petite yet pretty energetic woman arrives with a huge grin. “You’re finally here! It’s good to see you all, and Merry Christmas,” she says before suddenly hugging everyone, and even though I expect she won’t she still goes in for a hug from me as well. I stand there a little awkward at first, but still hug her slightly back before she lets go. “You must be Jessica, right?” she says with a smile on her red lips, and I smile politely back before nodding. “Well you can just call me Grandma, and this old champ here is Grandpa of course,” she says warmly, before focusing over on Tiffany.

“And it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen you my little Mushroom, oh my you have grown,” Grandma states before hugging said girl, and I try not to chuckle by Tiffany’s embarrassed expression as I hear the nickname. “Grandma, you saw me for like a month ago and don’t call me that in front of Jess,” she whines a little, but smiles nevertheless as she hugs her back. The elder woman simply chuckles, before Grandpa comes a bit closer. “You see, when little Tiffany here was only three years old, the first word she learnt in Korean was mushroom, but she didn’t actually know what it meant, so she just called herself for that,” he says fondly while ruffling her hair. Tiffany lets out yet an embarrassed groan as I find myself laughing a little, before she turns around and stomps towards the little hall somewhere. I still laugh as I gently excuse myself and follow her towards wherever she’s going, until I see one of the rooms next to the staircase with its door a little open. Gently I peek in and see Tiffany there, placing her bags on a bed. Carefully I walk in as well, yet still chuckle a little.

“Hello there, Mushroom,” I say with a wide grin as I step in, and Tiffany groans yet again, but soon laughs instead. I laugh a long as she comes over to hug me, hiding her face in my shoulder. “Man, I didn’t want them to tell you that of all things,” she says and I chuckle amused. “Relax Tiff, it’s just a name… and plus, it’s kind of cute,” I say to ease her thoughts, and as I feel her smiling again I know I have before letting her go. “So this is our room?” I ask as I look at the white walls, down to the many pictures of who I assume is a baby Tiffany, along with some other newer photographs of her. “Yes, but I suppose we’ll be sharing a bed, if you don’t mind?” she asks before biting her lip. I simply shake my head, smiling a little.

“No, why would I?” I ask instead, and then she smiles brightly, before suddenly seeming to remember something. While forming an o with her lips, she turns around before rummaging through her bag, until she picks up a small, white gift bag.  “Here,” she says softly and I look at the bag in her hands, which she gives to me. I curiously peer inside, but the contents are mostly covered with gift paper. I look up to her again. “I thought we weren’t supposed to give the gifts before the morning?” I ask curiously, but Tiffany simply smiles and shrugs.

“This is only a small one; you’ll get another one tomorrow. I just don’t want you to open it in front of the rest,” she says. I simply smile softly, yet I don’t open it at first, still wondering what could be inside. “Well, open up!” Tiffany says excitedly, and I chuckle before taking away the paper until I peer inside the gift bag, but before I can even get a good look at whatever it is, a sudden call of our names stops me, and despite my never ending curiosity I decide to let it be, and we both head out of the room to find out that dinner is served.

And the meal goes by pretty well, at least compared to how I thought it would. Throughout the dinner we simply talk about normal, trivial subjects like work and school, until it moves on to more personal, deeper topics than that. I only spoke when I was spoken to, and opted to be quiet for most parts of the chatter. But believe it or not it wasn’t awkward; actually, I quite liked to observe the way they acted. How they comfortably talked and laughed with each other, reminiscing about fond memories and discussing Tiffany’s adventures as a toddler (which I of course enjoyed way too much, to Tiffany’s dismay).

After dinner we start taking our dishes and left them by the sink in the kitchen, and we’re about to retreat towards the living room I assume, until Grandma suddenly looks at me with an unreadable gaze, suddenly smiling in a mysterious way I couldn’t quite comprehend.  “Actually, I need some help with the cookies and coffee. Jessica, you wouldn’t mind, would you?” she asks through her energetic voice, but something in her gaze is hidden in there, as if she actually has a meaning for choosing me, but for what reason I don’t know why. From a lucky guess, it did appear like she wanted to talk to me alone.

I smile slightly back before nodding. “I don’t mind,” I say politely before heading back again towards her, but being stopped by Tiffany, who looks at the both of us with confusion and somewhat anxiety, almost as if she’s nervous. “Granny, maybe I should help you instead?” she asks as she looks over at the said woman, but Grandma simply shakes her head. “Girl, you know how clumsy you are,” she chuckles through her painted red lips, earning equally as humorous laughs from the rest of the family as we stand nearby. “Besides, I need to talk to Jessica for a while,” she simply replies again, before turning her back and starting to work on something. “Now, you all go enjoy yourselves and we’ll be right back,” she nearly commanded the rest, and slowly both Tiffany’s parents and Grandpa left the kitchen and sat down in the living room, leaving only Grandma, Tiffany and I there.

I stand there a little confused, looking over at Tiffany who lingers by the arch that separates the kitchen and the hallway. She seems equally as lost as I do, but we both just shrug, not saying anything else as she retreats towards the huge living room. I turn my back again and study the wide kitchen area. It’s mostly white I see, covered with wooden counters and very vintage appliances. There is an old sink, with a window just above it, looking out towards their garden covered in snow. The light casts an orange glow over the kitchen as I fully step in, looking over to Grandma Hwang who starts setting out some plates.

“Dear, could you put these cookies over on those plates?” she asks with a small smile as she nearly skips over to the counter I’m next to with a tray full of Christmas cookies covered in red, green and other various colors.

“Sure,” I say, looking over at the white china plates she wants me to place them in. Silently I start doing so, and instead of just shoving them in there I simply place them one by one, not wanting to ruin the seemingly soft bakery, and besides not everyone would be able to fit into one plate anyway.

Grandma keeps on doing God knows what in the background, but her movements halt a little as she seems to be making some coffee. The silence between us is broken by the antique clock ticking on the wall, along with the distant chatter of Tiffany, Grandpa and her parents.  And somewhere along the way Grandma Hwang offers me a glass of water, which I gladly take. I’m about to take a sip and swallow, but that is, until something takes me a little of guard.

“So when are you going to come out of the closet?”