The sun shines throughout the white curtains as the early spring air seeps through an open window, and some birds start singing a cheerful tune. There are kids playing outside or adults happily talking to each other. Some are going to work, others to school, and someone are off to do something they never thought they would do before. The world keeps on spinning, and it’s probably a pleasant morning; it would have been, if the circumstances were different and my eyes could focus properly.

I stare at the mirror in front of me, eyeing the dress on my body, soft fabric on my skin as another breeze enters through the curtains. My hair sways a bit with it, along with the papers on the desk that slightly flutter as well, but it’s not strong enough to make them fly away. With my right hand I grab the lipstick lying on the table before applying a new layer, a semi- tone to my lips, and I almost imagine them pink. 

“You shouldn’t have done that, what if I want to kiss you again?” I hear Tiffany ask, red lips and all, seriously wondering about what to do now. A faint smile lands upon my lips as I continue applying the color. “Too bad, you’re going to have to wait until I take my makeup off,” I heard myself reply tauntingly.

A small chuckle escapes my lips by the faint sound of frustration. Then she would kiss me anyway with soft touches and high enthusiasm, pouring onto me like rain, a feeling I won’t ever forget, even if I had to. Hell… even if the small memories would fade away with time; from the way she held my hand to the way she nearly shouted into my ear, I knew she wouldn’t disappear so easily anyway.

Stephanie, or Tiffany as she preferred, passed away in a deep slumber in the hospital bed in early March, never to graduate, and never to return again.

They told me she went without suffering, and although it was faster than they thought it was not unexpected. She couldn’t hold on that much longer, the fragile line she walked upon had worn out, and ultimately she left this world. Her parents sat in the hallway, both too stunned to speak or even react when I arrived. I didn’t need to hear it to understand, and I nearly felt myself fainting.

Later I learned that she told them goodbye through a letter on her desk before she fell asleep; almost as if she knew she would never wake up again. Her mother held it in her hands, tears falling down her face yet not making a single sound. She simply cried, as Tiffany’s father only looked ahead, not saying a single word.

Between Tiffany and I there were no words of goodbye, nor was there an official ending; it was as abrupt as when a film suddenly ends before it should, or when the electricity goes off and leaves nothing but darkness. There were no warning signs, no alarms and neither were there screams. I didn’t shout, I didn’t demand her to wake up like I thought I would, and neither did I sob so hard that I couldn’t speak.

The realization, well, it stabbed me like a thousand knives at once, and then it tore me apart inside until I could barely think or feel. My hands were frozen, and I could swear my heart stopped beating for a second, the walls of my consciousness crashing down as if the world was about to end this second.

I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t speak, the cold skin underneath my hands almost not real when I barged in the room and the machines were turned off and they were getting ready to remove her body from the bed. Before they could take her away, I just had to check and I had to know. I managed to place my hand on her chest. I noticed the missing heartbeats, and I felt my lungs stop functioning for a second, almost as if I expected her heart to still beat.

It didn’t.

My eyes turned foggy with damp tears, but I couldn’t make a sound as I looked towards her face. She was in peace again; the pain probably vanished away once and for all, and there was a smile on her lips.

**

The funeral was held two weeks later, in an almost full church where many of our classmates and other students attended, along with the teachers, and Tiffany’s closest relatives and many others. As I walked across the aisle and towards the seat that Tiffany’s parents had saved, many stopped me to show their condolences, and I respected it greatly. Most probably knew about our relationship, but many still didn’t. Some thought I came as a very close friend, while others knew and seemed for a moment, even more sorry than what they were before. Grandma Hwang was there as well, and as she came to give me a comforting hug, she told me that the first days, weeks or even months would hurt the most, and the next would be easier.

“Child,” she said as we stood there in the crowd. “The only thing I will tell you, is the fact that no matter what happens after this, you can cry and cry until you can’t, and then you can cry some more. And you’ll probably feel miserable for the fact that the world will move on, but you know what? It does, and even if it does, you know that she didn’t go with any regrets.” She gave me a faint smile as we walked towards our seats.

“She loved you more than she probably ever would with anyone else; sick or not,” she told me after a while as we sat down, and in that moment like many others, I was at loss for words.

After the Priest said his and we prayed, along with various songs and many speeches, it was finally my turn to speak. And while trembling slightly, I got up from my seat with all eyes on me, my heart beating a hundred miles an hour as the seconds passed by. I walked towards the podium, the microphone adjusted to my height as I stood there in front of the large crowd, the faces of people I knew and didn’t know everywhere. They all mirrored the same feeling; sadness, with their eyes already in tears or sorrow. Some of the faces I had never seen or gotten to know; all I knew was that they must be people Tiffany or her family knows; relatives, friends, acquaintances... Whoever they were, they sat in the church with black dresses or outfits.

These people; they were someone who Tiffany once knew.

“I’m not a girl of many words,” was the first thing I said through the microphone, my voice echoing throughout the church. “And many may or may not have heard my name before; whether it was from Tiffany herself or anyone close to her. If you don’t know, my name is Jessica Jung. I am...” I started, the small lump on my throat growing painfully slow. Taking a deep breath, looking out of the crowd, I paused before continuing. “I was Tiffany’s girlfriend.” I ended the sentence and saw the surprised, shocked or already knowing faces in the crowd. I looked around slowly before continuing.

“Lately, many people have expressed their sympathies about Tiffany’s long, painful battle, saying they couldn’t imagine how someone would feel after witnessing this first hand. Many people have asked how I managed, or how I could bear to live with the thought of someone so close to me disappearing. To answer you; it’s harder than you ever can imagine, knowing that the one you love has her days to a certain deadline.”

It was silent as my eyes flickered towards the white coffin a couple of feet away, the figure of a lifeless person lying in peace, dressed in a light pink gown; her favorite color. My eyes went back to the crowd.

“However, I realized after she passed, that I am grateful to have spent so much time with her during the last chapters of her life. She would never admit it, but I knew she was scared. Tiffany was a strong person, but even the strongest ones need support from time to time; I wanted to give her that support until the very end.”

I could see some people in the crowd crying softly, and many looked away. For a moment I made eye contact with Tiffany’s father, who only smiled softly despite the tears in his eyes, the realization of losing his only daughter taking a toll on him.

“It seems as if when someone you love passes away or says goodbye, you have a tendency to remember them well… Maybe, we remember them a little too well. You remember the slightest memories you thought insignificant at first better, and you think of all the things you should’ve done, but never did. I wanted to experience many things with her; travel together, graduate together… be together… ideas I thought impossible before.”

The tears in my eyes almost escaped the further I spoke, my hands trembling slightly as I closed my eyes, the image of Tiffany smiling in my head, before I opened them to see that she wasn’t there, but oddly enough I didn’t feel alone, my eyes wandering to the sunlight drifting through the colored glass.

“I awoke each morning with a desire to feel good, with a hope that today would be better than the day before. Sometimes I even hoped for an absolution to all this built up misery, wishing the heavy stone on my chest gone. Day by day I would live like this, alone in my own solitude, the walls around my heart growing. I had grown used to it by now, the never ending emptiness nearly swallowing me up whole.

I was absolutely sure no one would fill up that gap.

And then I met Stephanie, or as I later came to learn; Tiffany.”

A lone tear managed to escape my eyes as I looked towards the coffin, a ray of sun gently shining upon the face of someone who meant and always will mean more to me than anyone would ever know. I ended my speech like this; as the tears came flowing again, and to return for the longest time. However, a small smile still graced my lips, knowing that she would always remain in my memories.

The days we had together are gone; but for me, they’ll last forever.

I remember holding her hand on the bus, sneaking behind the stands by the field and the rush of her touch and her kisses all over me. The silent words, the written promises of forever and always etched into a wooden plank behind a random seat… everything is still in my mind as if we did it yesterday, as if nothing ever changed.

And I remember Tiffany whispering to herself that day, about being eternal... And softly I smiled as another fresh tear fell down slowly, surely.

“Tiffany... She came into my life with a shout, and left like a silent whisper.”