I had just managed to get inside the door when my phone buzzed, a message that’s obviously from Tiffany, as I unlock the phone to look down at the screen. “What’s your address? I said I’d go to your place, but I don’t know where it is,” it says, along with a laughing emoticon of some sorts. I find myself chuckling at the message, something pretty typical for Tiffany to say, as I quickly reply with my address, along with what I hope is a detailed enough explanation of the apartment complex.

When that is done I place my schoolbag down by the wall, before walking towards the kitchen and opening up the refrigerator. My eyes scan the contents, sighing by the lack of food in there. I should’ve probably kept more care of my diet, but nowadays eating had been one of the last things on my mind.

“Can you meet me by the school? We’ll head to the convenience store a couple of blocks away.”

It takes a couple of minutes before Tiffany replies, but instead of an alright I discover it’s nothing close to it.

“Do you have a sister?”

Confused I look down at the message, my head tilting a little to the side as I lean against the counter. Why in the world would Tiffany ask me that? I haven’t ever mentioned my family to her, especially not Krystal, except for that… text I wrote, but she never mentioned it, if she ever did find it… I simply stare at my phone before gaining the courage to reply.

“Yes,” I simply reply, yet I don’t know if that’s even the right thing to say. Dead or not, she’s still a part of me and always will be, but how can I explain that to Tiffany? Casually mention that she’s not with us anymore? I honestly don’t know. Another minute passes until a familiar buzz is heard from the counter. With a gulp I check my phone again.

“I’m on my way to school, so I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Hurry up Jess!” and another emoticon grinning from ear to ear. The message throws me off a little, the mood suddenly changing and I try to figure out just what that was. Then I simply sigh, not really wanting to think about it before I grab my jacket, shoes and wallet and head out the door.

It’s gotten darker than before as I step out, the cold wind still present, if not a bit colder than before. Casually I look up at the darkening sky; it’s not as dark as the night, but it’s definitely not as bright as the day. I exhale a puff of smoke, indicating that yes, winter is soon approaching.

I see Tiffany’s pink jacket before anything else when I arrive, and a faint smile is on my lips when I see her lost expression. Her eyes seem to dart everywhere, seemingly waiting for me to arrive. When she finally sees me, a huge smile reaches her lips and before I can even register it myself, she’s practically running towards me.

“Jess!” she says loudly enough to stir attention towards us before almost leaping into me, crushing me in a huge hug. I almost lose my balance and get in a sudden daze by the impulsive intimacy. Awkwardly I pat her back, not understanding her sudden happiness. “Tiff…?” I reply a little confused as I stand there for a good while, before she suddenly releases me from her bear hug. Tiffany looks at me with another smile, calmer than before but still blinding.

“Did you win the lottery or something?” I ask in an attempt to understand her happiness, an amused chuckle escaping my lips. Tiffany pouts a little, but regains her smiley face again. “What? Am I not allowed to be happy to see my girlfriend?” she asks.

I simply look at her, the term girlfriend running through my head. It’s nothing unnatural to say, I mean I suppose we are on those terms now, after all we’ve been together for a while (minus the little outfall before I knew about her sickness), but it’s still odd to think of. Honestly, I never thought I’d hear someone call me by that, and especially not one from the same , but here I am and it just happened.

Lost in my thoughts I suddenly see Tiffany waving her hand in front of my face, and soon I snap out of my thoughts to look at her. “Sorry, I just dazed off a little,” I say with a small smile. “No, there’s nothing wrong with that, but you nearly crushed me to pieces,” I say humorously, giving her a small look. A sheepish smile lands on Tiffany’s face as she looks away, and I find the sight pretty cute before chuckling. “Come on, let’s get going.”

We walk towards the convenience store for the most part in silence, until we actually start shopping. Tiffany nearly jumps from aisle to aisle, wanting either this or that. I knew we didn’t need half the stuff she put in the cart, but seeing her face like that I didn’t really want to say no to her either.

“Jess…?” Tiffany asks with that same voice again, probably wanting something sweet or overly sugary. I let out a hum in reply, indicating that I’m listening while deciding what type milk I’m going to buy. “Can we buy ice cream?” she asks and suddenly stands in front of me. I look up from the carton and over to Tiffany, her eyes looking at me, obviously wanting me to say yes. Her expression is a little funny, causing me to laugh, but I say yes nevertheless.

“But please, only one tube and nothing more, okay?” I say, giving her a look and she simply smiles before skipping towards the ice cream section. Another laugh escapes my lips as I get what I need and head over to the same direction. It takes us a long time, but when we’re finally done we start heading towards my place, “borrowing” a shopping cart to have our shopping bags and Tiffany’s stuff in. I’m the one pushing the cart as Tiffany simply walks beside me, looking down at all the contents inside.

“I’m still waiting for the moment you’re going to nag at me for buying so much food,” Tiffany says after a while, and I turn to look at her a little amused. “Why would I do that?” I reply back as we walk under the now pretty dark sky. It’s not exactly late, but it still feels like it, as dark as it is. Tiffany shrugs as she walks. “I don’t know, my mother usually does whenever I go shopping with her,” she casually mentions as I look at her pale skin. Her eyes still seem tired, but they seem livelier, happier today than what they had before. Absentmindedly I find myself smiling softly, as we then walk the rest of the way in a comfortable silence.

When we reach the apartment complex I live in I unlock the door before I carefully take out the heavy shopping bags. Before I can start walking though, I feel one of the bags getting released from my grip and I turn around towards Tiffany, who takes one herself.  “You don’t have to carry it,” I say before trying to reach my hand out to take it back, but Tiffany simply moves away. “It’s not fair of me to let you carry everything, right? Besides you paid most of it, so it’s only fair.”

I look at her for a while until she starts walking inside the door. Another smile escapes my lips then before I follow and soon lead the way towards the staircase. I live up in the second floor, so there is no point in taking the elevator. Timidly I unlock the front door, not really knowing what to expect of Tiffany’s reaction. I cleaned up the apartment, but really it’s nothing much to do as I barely have any furniture. Financially I could afford more I suppose, but I never saw the reason in buying unnecessary items when I have all I need.

“Well… this is where I live,” I mention after opening the door to let her in, and we both walk inside. I see Tiffany scanning what she can with her eyes; the small hallway containing three doors with the living room and the kitchen that’s connected together. There’s not a lot here as mentioned, so it doesn’t take long before she’s done with “sightseeing”.

“You keep it pretty neat,” she muses as we take the grocery bags onto the counter. I look at Tiffany who is still looking a little around, her eyes darting from place to place. Suddenly a small frown is evident in her face, noticing something I hoped she wouldn’t mention.

“You don’t seem to have a lot of pictures though,” Tiffany says and I sigh, not really knowing what to say. After all I never told her about my family so I don’t know what I was supposed to expect. Or she did ask if I had a sister, but other than that the topic never entered our conversations.  “No, we never got around to hanging those up,” I partly lie, but maybe it’s the truth after all. I don’t think I ever had a picture of my father, but my mother and Krystal, well yes, I have some of those tucked away in a box somewhere. When did I last see them? I don’t even remember, but it must’ve been years ago.

“So, are you hungry?” I ask in an attempt to stir the conversation elsewhere, and I succeed when I see Tiffany smiling brightly again, hopefully thinking about something else now. “I’m starving! What do you have?”

We end up making spaghetti, not really having any other idea. I’m not the best cook around, and apparently neither is Tiffany, so even a simple dish like that took some slip ups before we could eat it. One of those faults was us cooking way too much spaghetti, and too little sauce and meat to go along with it. “Seriously, we only needed a quarter of the amount we took,” I say as we sit down by the small wooden table and eat. “I’m going to have to eat spaghetti for days now,” I say in mock seriousness and Tiffany only laughs in reply, finding the situation quite funny as she sits in front of me. “Hey, it’s better with too much than too little, right?” she asks with a playful tone, and I simply give her a playful glare before looking down at my food again and eating.

We eat together in a relaxed silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. We do start a small conversation from time to time although it doesn’t really last that long, but none of us really mind.

After that most of the night goes in watching movies and eating ice cream, much to Tiffany’s joy of course. By now we’re on our third movie, which I already forgot the title of, but from the looks of it it’s definitely another sappy romance movie. Personally I never watch these kinds of films, but Tiffany seems to love them, and as usual I just can’t say no.

I look at the main characters in the movie, a young boy and girl who are playing around on the beach together. They seem to be having fun, smiling and laughing together, genuinely seeming to enjoy each other’s company as a young, fresh couple radiation that certain type on innocence.

I turn to look at Tiffany from time to time, whose eyes are glued onto the screen in pure interest, barely blinking as she watches the movie intently. A small smile appears on my face when I see all of her different expressions throughout the different scenes, when she laughs along to something funny or feels sympathy when something bad happens. It’s really a typical love story, until the bad news break down as the girl suddenly faints out of the blue, in the middle of a random lane.

If I didn’t know Tiffany, and I was alone watching this, I would’ve probably wondered how this could be a plot. How huge is the probability for this happening in real life? Falling in love with someone and that same person suddenly getting a disease and suddenly dying? And on top of it all they’re just teenagers; young teenagers who claim they love each other.

These were things I would’ve thought of, but when I look over at Tiffany I notice that I’m the one living that kind of life right now. Because what’s happening is basically the same thing as what’s happening right now, minus the random island trip and the fact that none of us is a guy.  And I feel that sad, heavy feeling again as I think of it, as I watch Tiffany’s sickly pale skin illuminating from the light of the TV and her tired eyes. How her frame is skinnier than before, how her collarbones seem more prominent, how there’s a plastic hospital bracelet on her thin wrist, and I turn away, not wanting to think of it anymore.

The movie ends just like I expected it to; a bittersweet ending which leaves Tiffany in tears and I with hundreds of thoughts. When the ending titles are finally finished, the TV screen simply shows a bunch of static and snow, indicating that the movie is really finished. It’s a problem I’ve always had with this TV; when I played a movie it would always show static and snow in the end instead of going back to the menu. It’s the classic, big boxed old ones from the 90’s and I never bothered with getting a new one. I rarely used it anyway.

As the static snow keeps on playing we sit there for a long time not saying anything, Tiffany’s small sniffs echoing through the room, but other than that it’s nothing to be heard. At least not until Tiffany suddenly breaks the silence. “Wow I’m such a cry baby,” she mentions and I simply smile before handing her a box of tissues, which she gladly takes in her hands. “Do you think I’m lame now?” she asks while drying the tears on her face.

“No,” I start shortly, and Tiffany looks at me, wanting to continue. “I mean, we all react differently when it comes to movies,” I say simply with a small pat on her back. Tiffany smiles faintly, before standing up to toss away the used tissues in the trash can, and sits down next to me again, albeit a little bit closer than before. She looks at me for a while before suddenly speaking, her voice a little steadier now than before.

“I want to go there,” she suddenly says and I look at her a little confused, not quite understanding what she’s talking about. Tiffany clears a little before continuing. “To that island they went to I mean, one day, would you go with me?”

I sit there for the longest time, not really knowing what to say. It’s not that I didn’t want to go there, but how? I don’t even know where it is, nor do I really know when we could. After all, I hate giving out empty promises that might never be fulfilled, but…

“If the opportunity arises, then yes, I will,” I say honestly enough; hoping it will make her happy enough. Tiffany looks at me with a little lost look, but soon a smile gradually appears on her face until she almost seems healthy again, and unconsciously I feel myself smile in return.

Then we talk for a little while about other random stuff, though as usual Tiffany does most of the talking and I listen. She tells me about small, trivial things about her days at home and how bored she is when she’s too sick to go to school. I nod in understanding, honestly feeling a little bit sad by the thought that she would probably have to live like this for the rest of her life, unless by a miracle she would be better.

When the clock strikes two we both agree that it’s probably best to go to bed, and I set up the mattress in the middle of the living room floor next to the sofa. I sing a small song to myself, a melody that has been in my head for quite a while now, as I continue to make the mattress. My room is a little too small, and having a spare mattress inside of it would take too much space, so I figured sleeping in the living room would be better.

“There’s a song that’s inside of my soul,
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again,
I’m awake in the infinite cold, but you sing to me over and over again,”

The song goes on like that as I sing to myself until I’m almost done and only have to place the duvet down on the mattress. But I nearly drop it when I hear another strong, soulful voice singing along, but soon relax because I know; I just know who it is, as she passes by almost unconsciously singing along.

“So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray, to be only yours,
I pray to be only yours, I know now, you’re my only hope,”

I turn my gaze towards the door in front of me to see Tiffany singing along as she steps closer, now dressed in her sleeping wear and pink slippers. When she’s finally in front of me again she lets out a cute smile. “You’re a very good singer Jess, why haven’t I heard you before?”

I shrug by that, not really knowing what to answer. I used to sing a lot before when I was at home doing nothing, but nowadays I rarely do it, not really having the passion for it anymore. Nevertheless I never thought of it, and if Tiffany thinks I’m good then I don’t know what to say about her, because it was something so strong and unique with that voice that it nearly captivated me right away. It’s stronger, louder than mine, just like her personality, and I chuckle a little by that thought. Tiffany looks at me confused, but I simply smile in reply before speaking.

“You’re very good too,” I say instead and smile, before walking past her to change into my pajamas as well and wash up. It takes me a couple of minutes until I step out of the bathroom to find Tiffany sitting on the mattress, cutely looking around, probably in her own world. I smile a little again by that, and figure that I must’ve been smiling a lot more lately.

“Tiff, I set up the mattress because I was going to sleep in it, you’re sleeping on the couch,” I say as I playfully kick her on the side, of course with little to no force. Tiffany looks up at me with a small pout. “Can’t I sleep next to you?” she asks, seemingly a little disappointed and I laugh.  “I don’t think the couch or the mattress is big enough for both of us,” I reply dryly before sitting down next to her, but Tiffany doesn’t move. I give her a look before weakly poking her on the shoulder. “Get on the sofa; I’m still right here anyway.”

Tiffany lets out another pout, but after a while obliges and goes to the couch and lies down there, before wrapping the duvet around her little frame. I laugh a little by her antics before turning off the lamp next to the sofa, letting the darkness take over.

The moonlight does shine on the sofa and I can clearly see Tiffany’s face after a while as we face each other, albeit the small height difference. We talk a little bit more, but not as long as before until it falls silent between us. I adjust my position and look straight up at the ceiling, small stripes of light decorating the otherwise bare and dark area.

 “Jess…?” Tiffany suddenly asks from her position on the sofa, and I gently turn my head to look at her face. Her eyes have an unreadable gaze in them as she lies there and looks at me, her thin arm underneath her head.  “Where are your sister and your parents?” she asks just like that, and I give her the longest look. A million thoughts stream through my head but none of them give me an answer.

 “It’s a very long story,” I begin and grab a part of the blanket for no apparent reason, it between my fingers, trying to remain calm. A part of me wants to just not say anything, to keep it all in like I have done for all these years. But then there’s a small part that speaks inside of me, almost begging me to let it out, to finally just let it go for once and not contain it all. The contradicting voices in my head confuse me to no end, but when I turn to look at Tiffany I know that whatever happens, she’d probably figure it out one way or another.

“Are you really sure you want to hear it?” I ask cautiously, my head nearly spinning as my ears start ringing just a bit by the memories that start fleeting through my head. Tiffany nods, adjusting her position so she’s a bit closer and I look at her for the longest time, swallowing a little before sitting up. I hear Tiffany shuffle around in the sofa and I suppose she mirrors my action, but I don’t look at her, trying to straighten out my thoughts first before anything else.

“You might be surprised, and then smile and cry in the end; that is what happens when I think back of it at least,” I say simply and she doesn’t reply. It’s still silent, even after I say that, then I finally look over at Tiffany, who sits there right in front of me. I turn to face her, taking a deep breath before starting on that long story I thought I’d never share with anyone.

“When I was about two years old my sister, Krystal, was born,” I begin slowly as Tiffany still looks at me. “I was five years old when our father left; I don’t know nor remember why, but he walked out the door and never came back. After that it was just my mother, Krystal and I together. The three of us lived back in the states for a while, my mother working around the clock and barely being at home. It was alright though; we were used to it by then; when we moved here she had to work even more, but she got more money, so it was okay.”

I sigh a little before carrying on.

“She left one morning to go to work, though nothing was really out of the ordinary she did seem a little sadder than usual, but I didn’t understand why at the time. It was only when we got back from school that we saw the note she left in the kitchen. She left us that morning, not being able to support all three of us anymore…”

My voice trails off there, recalling the piece of paper that lied on the table.

“I never understood why she would do something like that to us, but she did, and there was no point in finding her; at least that’s what I thought. But instead of being moved to an orphanage, we got support from the government instead. I’m glad we did, because I couldn’t imagine living with another family at the time. I still get that support today, though the amount shrinks each year, but I manage. They mostly paid for the loans on the apartment, but they just got paid down recently, so now that money goes for food and other necessities. Anyway, Krystal and I lived like that for a while until something happened that honestly I still have a hard time with coping.”

Then I stop there after my long monologue, my throat a little sore by all the talking and my mind a little absent. Carefully I look at Tiffany’s face to see her reaction, her eyes already a little glossy and I sigh before looking away. There was no way to stop now.

“It’s odd; one day we were bickering about what to have for dinner, then the next I get a call saying a car hit her, and that she didn’t make it, that she died instantly... I couldn’t believe it at first,” I sigh again, pulling my hair away from my face as I watch a single tear fall down Tiffany’s face, the water reflecting the street lights shining from outside the window. When I see her like that, it honestly breaks my heart and I don’t want her to cry again, not because of me. So instead of continuing I get up and sit right in front of Tiffany, carefully wrapping my arms around her to calm her down.

 “And here I am, living alone in a small apartment, and honestly a lot of terrible stuff has happened to me. Maybe that’s why I don’t talk much to anyone, and I was too scared to get to know someone because yes, I’m very afraid and I still am. But when you came along I figured that I had to let go and just dare to open up again, and I did,” I say honestly, yet don’t know why, and it’s only when I feel something warm run down my cheek that I realize, that I’d too been crying all along, and before I know it we both fall silent in a long time, simply holding each other.

“Tiffany, just let me pretend nothing will happen to you, that everything’s fine. At least just for a little while... please?” I nearly croak, my throat clogged up and barely being able to speak. It takes me a while until I finally calm down a little, and until I hear Tiffany softly speaking to me.

“Everything will work out in the end, okay?”