I awoke each morning with a desire to feel good, with a hope that today would be better than the day before. Sometimes I even wished for an absolution to all this built up misery, wishing the heavy stone in my chest gone.

And during the course of each day my heart would descend from my chest and into my stomach, the bitter aftertaste lingering in my tongue as the hours dragged on.

Day by day I would live like this, alone in my own solitude, the walls around my heart only growing. People said that I was heartless, but I’m not. I just have a void inside that I’ve never managed to fill, no matter who I let into my life.

And after all the disappointments I gave up and kept for myself, my own thoughts being my company as I was ultimately outcast from school. I had grown used to it by now, the never ending emptiness nearly swallowing me up whole.

And then I met her.

A new figure entered the classroom one late autumn day, dark hair falling over narrow shoulders and pale skin. Confidently the girl stood in front of the class, hands grasping into some books and a pink schoolbag. Silently I snorted by the choice of color, but as everything else about me it went unnoticed, and I figured that no one would care anyway.

She acted as if the world was filled with sunshine and happiness, her colorful personality painting up her features in a never ending smile, eyes nearly disappearing into small creases. Even when she didn’t know the language very well, she spoke as enthusiastically as she could through broken Korean and animate hand gestures. It wasn’t hard to see that the whole class was entranced by the new student, whom kept on talking a little more before finally falling silent. However, she still held that smile on her face.

Then her eyes moved around curiously until they were dangerously close to meeting my gaze. Slowly I looked ahead of me and focused my eyes on the blackboard, hoping she wouldn’t notice. “Stephanie, you can sit next to Jessica by the window,” Mrs. Lee told us before waving a hand towards my direction, all eyes going from the new girl and back to me. I didn’t pay much attention, but I could still feel the pity they sent towards her for the fact that she was going to sit next to me, of all people.

“Hi!” Stephanie nearly shouted, her voice piercing right through my ears with her already infamous smile. “So your name is Jessica? I take it you’re not from here either?” she continued to ask, though a little quieter than the last time to not gain attention. I simply give her a glance over before turning back to look at the blackboard. “Well… I just came from California. Korean is very… tough.”

Her attempt to spark a conversation caused me to grow a little guilty towards her, who was obviously struggling to speak in a language she probably knew little about. Yet I didn’t know what to say.

My lips parted a little, but my throat ran dry and no sound escaped my mouth. I never really talked to people anymore, the action a little foreign to me, and then I was at loss for what to say. Instead I tightened my grip on the pen in my hands, carefully writing as my gaze drifted from the board and towards my notebook. It seemed as if I was taking notes, and I was to some extent, but my thoughts kept on pushing me somewhere else than the history of France.

As soon as the teacher turned her back, I quietly ripped a page out of my book. Silently I pushed the white paper over to the other desk, still not sparing a glance over to her as I kept my eyes on the board all the time.

A confused hum emits from her lips as I hear the paper rustle from her side, and I’m practically envisioning her dumbstruck face. It wasn’t anything interesting, just a scribble of notes translated into English. I understood the struggle coping with a new language and culture all at once, it was hard, but at least I managed. I figured that if I couldn’t talk to her, I could at least do this.

When I let my eyes steal a quick glance, I saw that smile again, yet a little softer as her hands grasped the paper. Silently she mouthed a “thank you”, this time in her native tongue as another smile hit my way. It came a little unexpected, and it almost felt blinding for a second until I slowly nodded and looked the other way. We didn’t speak any more after that during class, but she always sat beside me when we shared the same classes.

At first I found it annoying, then I learned to get used to it until I suddenly felt weird when I didn’t see her. It was just something temporarily until she would find somebody else, until another person would come along. Like everyone else she’d find somebody better in the end. And then I would finally live in my own solitude, the world regaining its balance again.

I said that to myself multiple times before I fell asleep at night, yet I found myself getting drawn into the happy world of Stephanie, or as she preferred; Tiffany.