The days drag on with nothing but clear skies and endless studying; Tiffany hasn’t been back yet, not after that day and only now do I hear people talk. Not that I really pay attention to what they are saying, but I do hear her name randomly pop out from time to time. More often than I want to I find myself wondering if she’s okay, but I don’t dwell on it too long, thinking that if I had to get over her I could at least try not thinking of her. How well that worked out, I can’t really say.

When Thursday rolls in I feel exhausted and I just want to sleep, but before I can even think of the enjoyment in my own bed my phone buzzes. Carefully I look around in my pockets until I find the device and unlock it; it’s Mrs. Park, the owner of the dog shelter in town. Silently I furrow my eyebrows before reading the message.

“Hello Jessica, this is Mrs. Park. Are you busy today? Something came up and I have to leave soon, but I need someone to take care of the shelter while I’m gone. Could you be an angel and please stop by?”

I stop on my tracks as I read it, silently debating if I should. I’m tired and all, but it seems pretty urgent and I don’t really want to let her down. After all I could use some distraction, I suppose, so I quickly type on a reply before changing my course towards the bus stop. The time on my watch shows that it’s still a good ten minutes until the bus arrives, so in hopes of killing time I take out my headset and my iPod. I click shuffle before a random song starts and music blasts through my ears.

Silently I tap my fingers to the beat, looking around the small area around me, mostly consisting of students wandering about. There are more leaves on the ground than before, decorating the gray concrete with orange and red leaves. I kick some pebbles away with my shoes as I stand there, patiently waiting for the time to pass.

“Stepping outside my head, I don’t wanna hear what you said,”

As the song starts and the lyrics are sung I suddenly get an unwanted image in my mind from the last time I saw Tiffany. Her words suddenly ringing inside of my ears like a broken record.

“Nothing’s forever,” she said it with such a straight face; there wasn’t any emotion behind it. There wasn’t anger, nor was there disappointment. In her case it just sounded like words, seemingly as nothing more than that.

“Make everything louder; do it ‘till my skin vibrates.”

And as everything builds up in the chorus I feel myself more drowned in my thoughts as if they were a deep tide I couldn’t get out of. Suddenly I remember every single little thing clear as glass and loud as a thunderstorm, even every little sound back into that night.

“Make everything louder; I wanna hear my ear drums break.”

Without much thinking I slowly turn up the volume of the song, hoping the repeated words would simply drown with the music and fade away to nothing, or at least blend up so well I wouldn’t know the difference between them. I would do just anything to forget, honestly.

“More volts in the system drown out the symptoms, everything louder, louder
I don’t wanna listen, just wanna feel it, feel it, louder, louder.”

I snap out of my trance as the bus finally arrives and a little shaken, I board the bus and sit down in the back. Time passes and the song ends and switches over to another, and then another but my mind is still blank, the same damned words in my head.

Absorbed in my thoughts I barely make the last stop, but when I get off I turn off my iPod and tuck it away. I shake my head to clear my thoughts as I hurriedly head towards the small shelter, and quickly step inside. The bell rings above the door when I enter, and I hang my jacket up on one of the hangers and place my bag in the staffroom.

I’m about to go back and look for Mrs. Park when a familiar voice enters my ears, and I stop in my tracks. Silently I cure myself as I look around, wondering if I can avoid the inventible, but I know I can’t. Then with a deep breath I walk out the door, ignoring the two pairs of eyes on me as I look at Mrs. Park and Tiffany.

“There you are Jessica; you both arrived on time,” Mrs. Park says with a smile on her face, a little suspicious one from my point of view, but I nod politely. I can feel Tiffany’s gaze on me, but I don’t return the contact and simply look at the owner instead. “Oh, before I forget, there is a couple who is coming over to pick up Lucky. He’s the small pug in cage 21. The paperwork is already on my desk, just get them to sign and give them some tips and you should be fine. So I suppose you’ll get some time to… catch up.”

Then she smiles at us both with a certain gleam in her eye, and as I look at Mrs. Park I try to figure out what’s on her mind. She might be a small, elderly woman, but she’s a special one to say the least. “Well girls I’ll be back in about three hours, so good luck!” she says with yet another smile before grabbing her coat and finally leaving us, the bell ringing after her departure.

The aura around us is awkward, to say the least, as we simply stand there. I suppose none of us really know what to do at this point; should I just act like nothing or should I take this opportunity to talk to her? I turn to look at Tiffany, but instantly regret it as a heavy feeling enters my chest again, and not of the good kind. Soon I turn my gaze away before clearing my throat, attempting to start a conversation.

“So, how about you feed the pets while I get everything ready for the adoption?” I suggest, and a small hum of agreement escapes her lips, probably not knowing what to say herself. The awkwardness continues; something I oddly wouldn’t have imagined between us before, as we stand there.

Then we get to work, mostly avoiding each other unless we needed to, but even those encounters were short. I do the most of the talking, ironically, as the couple enters to collect their pet. They were a special pair of people who seemed to bicker over the smallest of things; they even bickered over which collar to buy the dog.

 As I awkwardly stood there I wondered how two grown people could seriously discuss something so simple, but I don’t say anything more than needed. “But I’m telling you the red one is way, way cuter,” the woman says while looking up at her ridiculously tall husband. She’s a petite woman, very thin and neatly dressed as she stands there in her heels. It doesn’t really help though as the man is still a good head taller than her.

“The black one looks better, how many times do I have to tell you?” he replies as I stand behind the wooden desk with the pen in my hand, waiting for one of them to sign the papers. I hadn’t even asked if they wanted to buy a collar for the dog yet, but I suppose I didn’t need to either.

“Honey, if we’re not getting the red one, I’ll literally show these girls the video when you --.”

For some reason that made the man react as he clapped his mouth above her lips, giving her a silent stare. They look at each other for a while before he lets go, and only then do they seem to act normal again. I give them the pen to sign the necessary paperwork, not wanting to open my mouth in case I’d say something really uncalled for, and give them the small pug, along with other important items and some advice.

When they’re about to turn and walk away, the woman suddenly exclaims something. “See, I told you that I could use that cross dressing competition to my advantage Ben-Ben,” she says with a teasing smile on her face, and a silent groan escapes his lips. When they finally leave I let out a breath of relief, glad that was over. I hear a small laugh and I turn to look at Tiffany, who has her eyes focused on brushing one of the dogs. She still laughs though, and I faintly smile before focusing on other things, for some reason feeling just a bit better.

At one point Tiffany is on the floor playing with Prince, the white dog she likes so much. I on the other hand am sitting on a chair by the wall some distance away, trying to do some homework. Really, I’ve read this page a hundred times, but I do anything to distract myself.

Still my gaze wanders towards Tiffany, who simply sits there and pets the small dog, talking to him softly. I notice her pale complexion and tired eyes, wondering if she’s gotten any better, but judging by her appearance I assume she hasn’t. Still I don’t understand why she’s here and not at home, especially when she must’ve managed to hurt herself, a small bruise on her arm that’s barely visible, yet still there if one looks clearly.

“Tiffany?” I ask in the midst of silence, and hesitatingly she looks up at me. Time pauses for a while as we simply look at each other and multiple questions run through my head. What happened? Why did you change your mind? Am I a bother?

I part my lips a little to ask, but when I suddenly notice her disturbingly pale skin I bite my bottom lip instead. Focusing on her face I notice the dark circles around her eyes, contrasting towards her nearly white skin. It takes a while until I clear my throat and immediately I dismiss the previous questions I thought of. “Are you okay?” I ask, worrying over her health and push away the thoughts of us for a moment.

Tiffany looks back at me with a lost expression, almost as if she had no thoughts. She blinks once, twice, until she focuses her eyes back on petting Prince. “I’m fine,” she replies shortly through dry lips, eyes avoiding mine. I want to ask more, but instead I shut my mouth, partly not to pry and also because I don’t know what to say anymore. Of course I had many questions in my head, but I didn’t know how to actually gain the courage to ask.

Another round of silence surrounds us again as I finally go back to my book, pretending to study even if my mind is preoccupied with other things. The clock on the wall ticks silently, and the dogs were mostly sleeping or eating by now, so they didn’t make a lot of noise either. But even then the lack of sound feels so deafening, so incomplete, hundreds of questions hanging in the air.

“Jessica?”

I lift my head and look towards Tiffany who’s still sitting on the floor. She simply looks at me for a long time, lips closing and shutting as if she wasn’t sure what to say herself. I patiently wait for her to say something, and after a while I see her taking a deep breath.  “I…”

But before she can even continue the bell above the entrance rings and soon enough Mrs. Park enters with a bright smile. “Hello girls!” she greets a little too loudly for my liking while she sets some bags away. “I finished earlier than I thought I would.”

 Silently I ask myself why she had to come back now of all times, but instead I just give her a forced smile as I sit there. From the corner of my eye I see Tiffany smiling faintly as well, before getting up and dusting off her outfit.

“Thank you so much for the help! Take care and be safe on your way home,” Mrs. Park says when we finally leave, and when I exit the door the cold air hits me right away. I bury my face in my scarf as I slowly walk towards the bus stop, the echo of my footsteps clearly heard. Tiffany is a couple of meters away from me, the gap between us quite evident as we walk in silence.

The sky is pretty dark by now, the streetlights illuminating the narrow street and some apartment complexes are lit up as well. Casually I look up at the clear sky to view the starless sky above, hands in my pocket. The silence between us still feels the same as before; tense and awkward. Honestly I never imagined us to end up like this, sentenced in full awkwardness and lack of words to say. Tiffany led most conversations, so if she never started well… there wouldn’t really be one. And that’s really what’s happening right now, and honestly I hate it.

“What were you going to say… earlier?” I ask timidly in hopes of breaking out of this silence, along with the curiosity bubbling up in me. Silently I turn my gaze towards Tiffany, who seems to be looking at the sky. When she finally snaps out of it and turns towards me, I notice that she’s looking at me, but still not really seeing me.

“Oh, no it was nothing,” she dismisses before shaking her head, and I look at her for a little while. “It was just stupid, really,” she ends it there quickly, and then she looks straight ahead again without saying anything more. I’m glad she at least answered, but it didn’t really help me nor did it really fulfill my curiosity. Anyway, what could be so stupid that she didn’t want to say it?

It’s been a while since we last seen each other, and even if the last time we saw each other ended on bad terms I still didn’t want this. If we could at least be able to talk to each other, anything than this well, it would be great. “Stupid?” I ask as I try to look at her expressions for any answer, but only having the view of her profile didn’t help. Tiffany sighs a little while drifting her gaze towards different places but never towards me. She simply hums in reply without anything more and that silence I wanted to avoid enters us again.

When we finally reach the bus stop we still have an arm length’s distance between us, not really looking at each other. The silence between us drags on throughout the time we wait, until Tiffany suddenly asks something out of the blue.

“Are you mad at me?”

I turn to look at Tiffany, who’s now looking at me as well. The streetlight above illuminates her eyes, which seem a little glossier than before. Her skin is still in that odd, pale color and the same is with her dry lips.  I sort out my thoughts, not wanting to say something irrational, but after a long while I actually realize that I probably was never mad. Sure, I felt betrayed for a while there and honestly I felt terrible that night, even to the point where I raised my voice at her but I was never really angry at her.

“No,” I start simply, looking into her eyes to see a reaction. Tiffany looks at me a little surprised and confused, but she doesn’t speak. “I’m not mad at you; I’m just hurt, and confused,” I say honestly, trying to bite back anything more that may escape my lips and I end it there. A part of me thought that I’d say something longer, or even something with more depth than that, but in a way this seems more straight forward and raw than anything else. I don’t really need to apply anything more to it than that.

Tiffany simply nods in reply, seemingly in deep thought. Another moment of silence rests upon us for a while after that, but Tiffany breaks it again with a soft voice. “I’m sorry,” she says with a hoarse voice, before clearing . “That was what I was going to tell you earlier.”

I look down at the concrete, a million thoughts running through my head in one time. There’s a puddle of water in where I see my reflection, and the expression on my face is calmer than I thought it would be. However, I don’t feel as calm inside, not at all. “Honestly,” I start softly, still staring at my reflection. “I want to tell you that it’s fine, but then I’d just be lying,” I continue with a voice that was calmer than what I intended it to be, but is gladly appreciated.

The silence stretches on as Tiffany doesn’t reply and my eyes are still stuck on the image of me standing there. I look at it for another while before kicking a couple of pebbles above the puddle, instantly dissolving the image of me into a mess of small waves. “Why?” I ask, not really expecting a response, but more just to ask for the hell of it. Inside I feel a little heavy again, the thoughts clouding my head. “Just tell me why, and I won’t bother you anymore,” my voice suddenly breaks out in front of her, my eyes finally moving towards Tiffany, who keeps on looking at me with that same unreadable gaze. “That’s the only thing I’m asking for.”

The silence drags on as I look at her eyes, the night breeze gently passing us. The honk of a random car breaks out in the otherwise empty street by the bus stop, along with faint voices in the distance. My eyes are still focused on Tiffany, who simply stands there and looks at me for the longest time.

“If I did something wrong, say it. If you simply don’t feel anything then just say it instead of avoiding the question. Just give me a reason,” I feel my voice rising just a little by each word, but instead of the calm effect I wanted, I felt my voice grow shakier and for a moment I almost sound weak. Tiffany still looks at me for the longest time, the glossiness in her eyes even more apparent and for a while I believe she’s about to cry.

There’s another round of silence, and as time passes I figure she won’t tell me why; she either doesn’t want me to know or she doesn’t think that it’s worth the time. Maybe I just should’ve left it there and not have said anything, maybe…

“I’m sick.” Tiffany tells me with a hoarse voice, the wind gently passing us as we stand there and she breaks the silence between us. I look at her while blinking slowly, until I let out an unamused chuckle that comes out a little louder than I intended it to, a little bit more bitter than needed. “I already know you’re sick, but when people are sick they go to the doctor, they don’t cut people off,” I say while stepping a little closer and wait for her to continue, but when nothing happens I notice that something is really, really wrong for her to look like that.

She looks at me for a long time again, and the yellow streetlights suddenly reflect something upon her cheek. Guilt hits me hard when I notice the silent tear running down her tired eyes, running down her pale and tired skin until another one falls as well. “It’s not like that,” she starts again with a shakier voice than before, probably trying to collect herself and her thoughts. “I’m actually very sick.” Tiffany’s voice turns a little softer until I can barely hear them.

I simply stand there and try to decode her words while Tiffany takes a deep breath, and tiredly sits down on the wooden bench underneath the small roof of the bus stop right in front of me, as I turn around to face her. “I don’t know when I’ll get better,” Tiffany says again as the tears appear clearer to me now, and if the sight of her crying wasn’t enough; the words hit me hard until I feel as if I’m knocked out of breath.

Then it all hits me like a ton of bricks, or a thousand stabs into my soul as my knees weaken. My eyes find hers as she turns up to look at me, small tears still running down her face. She’s mostly quiet until a chocked sob escaped her lips and she places her small hand over her lips. I feel my legs give up on me after a while as I end up kneeling on the ground in front of her, my mind both clouded and blank at the same time. My heartbeat almost stops a little as my breath is also taken away. I want to scream, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to feel that pain of eternal loss again.

“I don’t even know if I’ll get better.”

And when her voice says that, utters those words, the tears that I tried to hold away suddenly falls down, leaving hot marks on my cheeks. For a split second I thought that my heart had really stopped beating, the pain being too much to bear as I could only think not again. I let out a shaky breath I didn’t even know I was holding before a chocked sob escapes my lips as well, everything about my calm state just crumbling apart again. Another round of tears escapes my eyes again and I believed that I couldn’t produce anymore tears after all of these years, but apparently I could.

With a heavy head I simply look downwards, tears hitting the concrete and leaving its mark as it all sinks in. And I cry, and cry until I can feel a hand the locks of my hair, as if to comfort me. The action oddly reminds me of the time when I comforted Krystal under that storm, and suddenly it awakes another type of pain inside of me. My tears continue to fall as I don’t dare to look up, not caring if anyone passed us by because I couldn’t take it anymore.

Please, please don’t I plead in my head to no one in particular, but I still hope that at least someone, anyone would hear my prayer.

“I’m sorry Jess,” Tiffany apologizes again, and if it was even possible her broken voice would’ve hurt me more than everything else she said. “I’m sorry for what I did but please, please don’t hate me.”  She nearly pleads from above with a quiet voice, almost as if she was whispering.  “Hurting you was the last thing on my mind,” she lets out another shaky sob before continuing. “I thought you would’ve gotten mad at me and hate me, so that if anything was to happen then…”

She takes a deep breath, before she gently lifts my face so I’m looking at her, the tears in her eyes very visible now. From the look of her face I could finally see emotions, but not those I wanted to see. Sadness being the strongest one, but she also seemed scared, insecure. I feel something sting inside of me by the sight, not ever wanting to see that look on her again. “I’d thought that if I disappeared from your life like that and you forgot me, then it wouldn’t be so painful. But it hurts, it hurts a lot.”

And her words stop there as she lets out yet another sob before looking away, probably not wanting to think of the situation herself because we both just know what might happen. I take in her words but I can’t manage to say anything, my voice only letting out broken sobs as well.

This can’t be happening.