Tiffany's point of view.

My eyes are quite heavy as I open them, the hazy image of a room I can barely make out surrounding my vision. The inside of my throat feels pretty much parched and groggy, and the soreness of the back of my neck doesn’t really help either. Letting out a short yawn I try to remember where I am, or why I’m even here, my thoughts running a thousand miles a minute as my once unclear vision seems to turn better, the slight tiredness of my eyes easing up as well.

There’s a light upon the ceiling that’s dimly lit, filled with small specks of dust, and the room smells of sanitation and sterile chemicals that I would never know or bother learning the name of. The room is quite white, but the air is fresher than what I thought it would be, the coolness slightly soothing the parts of bare skin on my arms and my face. Inhaling a bit, I notice the faint air of late winter and the crisp wind that shortly follows, and if I can hear correctly, there’s a certain sway to the curtains of an open window.

It takes me a minute or two to remember where I am, why I’m here and how I got here. My eyes dart over to a small sign on the white wall where I see the name quite clearly. I’m in the hospital, I’m a frequent patient and I fainted due to the disease inside of my spreading further along my body or something like that. I stopped paying attention after a while, and after time I replaced it by secretly counting the days of my existence, until the day I’d fall asleep and never wake up, and also the days where I wouldn’t see her again…

Shaking the thought off almost instantly, I attempt to drag my body so I can sit up. Albeit the weight I’ve lost I never seem to be able to hold my own body anymore, the bones inside of me feeling like a constant stone that I can’t get rid of, which will only hold me down. I reach out to the plastic tube in my arm, almost rapidly removing the IV on my arm. It hurts a little, but I manage, and soon enough I get a clearer look of the ward that I frequented way too often.

Except for the buzzing of the countless machines around me, along with the rhythm of my heartbeat, there’s nothing much. There’s a dull ache all around my body, but it’s bearable and it’s better than how it usually is; I’ve been through worse.

Looking around the room once again I notice the presence of a blue bag situated on the sofa in the corner, along with a familiar jacket, but the owner is nowhere in sight as I turn my head the other way, almost as if I’m expecting to see her on the other side. I don’t see her there either, much to my dismay, but before I can dwell too much on the thought the door opens up and in walks another figure I’m all too familiar with.

“You should stop doing that,” Taeyeon says with little to no amusement as she steps closer, a clipboard in her hands, most likely commenting on the missing IV-line on my arm. “You’re not a kid anymore,” she adds while placing some white gloves on her hands, taking a seat next to the bed as she starts working on putting that goddamned thing back on.

“But I don’t need it; I’ll be discharged soon anyway,” I say with a bit annoyance, already impatient and wanting to go again, a trait I have never seemed to have control over. Taeyeon simply sighs before a faint jolt of pain shoots through my arm, small yet noticeable, and I wince slightly by the intrusion of the IV-line on my skin. “We wouldn’t have to do this if you just let it stay on,” she says with the same tone in her voice; monotonous and calm, while writing some things down on that board after she’s done.

“Where’s-“

“Jessica’s in the hallway… something about talking to someone,” Taeyeon interrupts me, her eyes not even leaving the board as she writes down something more before placing it on the table beside me. Then her hands start to adjust the position in my hospital bed, the new-found spot a bit better and more comfortable. And just before she retracts them again, I feel a small and faint pat on my back, an affection that I have never been sure of what meant, but in a way has always seemed to soothe me a little.

It turns a bit colder as she steps away again, and then gathers her things to leave, something clearly gone in her vision. I stop her before she can step away much further, her name echoing a bit in my ears. I see the small conflict in her mind through her brown eyes, but after a while she slowly surrenders and takes a seat by the bed. “What’s wrong?” I ask and it sounds pretty stupid given the situation.

Taeyeon is the type of person who doesn’t show a lot of emotions, she’s always been like that since ever, and it’s not like she can help it. I’ve always been the one to smile more, dream more and as she would usually say I’d have my head in the clouds from time to time.

But then again she also knows about this odd depression inside, an empty void that I couldn’t seem to fill up no matter how many friends I got or who I dated; it was almost as if something was missing entirely, and instead of feeling surrounded I felt alone. Taeyeon is probably one of those few people who fill up that small void inside, and she’s always understood me and been there, even after this.

She’s always been patient with me; a lot compared to others at least. Despite her nagging and sarcastic humor, I know that deep down she really does care, and that’s more than many others have done before. Before I met Jessica, Taeyeon was probably the only person who meant something to me, excluding close family. Despite the distance she’s always been there for me, the summers we met up feeling too short.

“It’s nothing,” she begins slowly, almost believable, but the dark circle under her eyes and the very soft crack in her voice doesn’t fool me. I just give her a look, one that tells her that I know it’s more than nothing, the silence dragging on until she lets out another sigh. “I’m worried, you silly Mushroom,” she admits finally and normally I’d smack her for calling me that, but I don’t really have the energy in my body to do so, and besides that stupid line limits my movements. “You’re only harming yourself by this and it worries me, because one day I’m afraid I’m just going to walk in and hear that damn machine playing a continuous beep,” Taeyeon continues on, her voice a bit softer than before as the words echoed through the room, the seriousness taking over the atmosphere around us.

I simply look at her, the same monotone face yet her eyes are different, more vulnerable, possibly the most fragile I’ve ever seen them, and it tugs my heart a little painfully. “Stay in the hospital,” she nearly pleads after a while, her warm hand in mine as I simply look down at my ghostly pale skin, the time ticking by. “Tae,” the nickname comes out harsh as if I have sandpaper inside my throat, raspy and huskier than ever. She turns to look up at me, and before I even say anything, I know she knows that I’m going to say. “I don’t think I can be saved, hospital treatment or not,” the words sound harsh, even for me, but I continue anyways. “And besides I feel better living as if nothing is going to happen for a while, then waiting here until I die.”

The silence drags on heavily after that, the tension probably so thick you could cut a knife through it as we sat there. Then her lips parted slowly, asking me a question I really wasn’t prepared for answering at all. “What about Jessica?” her voice is still as soft, yet firmer, the grip on my hands tightening as the faint buzz of the machine continues on in the background. “Don’t you think she’s worried sick? How often are you going to faint like this? If you think I’m taking it bad, hell I feel like a train wreck, then how do you think she feels?”

I’m not sure if there’s an added echo for dramatic effect or if my ears are playing tricks on me, but the name uttered along with other small bits kept bouncing around the room, the sound on constant replay as I simply just lie there, looking at Taeyeon for a long time.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t know about Jessica and her thoughts about this. She’s never been vocal about it, nor has she even tried to talk much about it, but there’s always something in the way she touches me as if I’m about to break, or the way she looks at me when she thinks I’m not watching. There’s worry, that’s not difficult to see, that she covers up not due to pity, but more due to the fact that she probably wants to live in the present than think about the future.

The road in our relationship has been quite short when I think about it thus far, and unexpected indeed. However, it’s probably the best thing I’ve experienced for a long time, or maybe ever. The fact that I’ve found someone who actually cares is overwhelming, but I’d never thought it would get this far at all, not even in my wildest dreams I suppose.

Taeyeon sighs again and it awakes me from my previous thoughts as the warmth in my hands disappears. “Speaking of, she should be back any minute,” she says while getting up to head out the door and I can’t find the energy to stop her. “I don’t want to decide your life Stephanie,” Taeyeon only uses that when she means business, her words serious. “But, if you really plan on going without even trying a new treatment, then at least… as cliché as this sounds, be happy, okay?”

Another small breeze flutters the curtains and makes the room cooler again the minute Taeyeon steps out the room and I’m left in what feels like an infinite cold. The goose bumps on my skin raise as I lay my head back down on the pillow, my thoughts spinning as my eyes are back on the light above the ceiling. There’s a small song spinning around my head. I don’t really know the lyrics, and I don’t really remember where I’ve even heard it, but I find myself humming along despite my raspy voice.

There’s a faint creak and footsteps, and my eyes are still glued on the light above, hand gently clenching on the sheets as another round of pain shoots through my body, not as intense yet still noticeable.  “Tiff?” an all too familiar voice calls out gently, the blurry image of another figure in my vision with long, brown hair and a fair complexion. When my focus finally functions I see the soft, slightly worried expression of Jessica, her hand finding mine and her eyes on me, and I can’t stop from letting a faint smile out, despite the lack of energy. “Hey,” I manage after a few attempts of getting my sore throat to speak.

“Hey,” she simply replies, and it sounds almost as if she’s relieved for the fact that I spoke. “How are you?” Jessica continues, and as I look up at her face and into her eyes, I stay lost for a while before working up the energy to say more. “I’m fine,” I’m not sure if I’m telling the truth or not to be quite honest. “How long have I been… out?” I barely manage to croak through, and with a small sigh Jessica moves to sit down on the spot where Taeyeon sat, causing me to lose the image of her face.

“You’ve been in and out for almost two days now according to the doctor,” she informs me, her voice gentle, as I simply gaze up at the ceiling, my body not having any more energy to move at all. “You’re parents came over yesterday, and they’ll come back later today,” Jessica adds, her voice so oddly calm that it’s almost putting me to sleep, my eyes growing a bit heavier by the minute.

“Jessie?” I find myself calling out after a moment of silence, the buzzing and the faint flutter of the curtains starting to fade into nothing, my consciousness wearing thin as I lie there. Jessica simply hums in reply, the tightening grip on my hand evident as I try to speak normally. “Sing me a song?”

It sounds odd, having requesting something like that so abruptly, yet instead of asking why, she simply asks for which song. “The first one that comes into mind… it doesn’t really matter,” I add tiredly, my body growing heavier along with my eyelids, my vision darkening a bit as well.

There’s a faint cough, along with some silence, until a soft yet powerful voice echoes through the room and drowns out the white noise, my ears only focused on that one voice in the amidst of everything else around me.

“They’re way too fragile aren’t they?
These feelings that sway ever so lightly
I’m looking for the  answer that 
Disappears when dawn breaks

This close road that blocks my way
This starlight that becomes my guide
Hey, I want you to tell me
The place where I should go

Even though it’s so far away that
It seems like this small me will be crushed
I’m waiting for god’s will 
This is my destiny

So to speak, this small me is powerless against
The raging waves that give their loud roars, but
The sea will surely part
And make a path for me
One day we can be divine”

There’s probably a small, maybe stupid smile on my lips, but I’m not too sure as the darkening ceiling fades away to black, the singing voice of Jessica disappearing into nothing, along with whatever sense I have left.

I hope this sleep is just for a while, but like everything else, I can never be too sure.