It’s gotten lighter outside in the span of one week and three days, and that’s the amount of time Tiffany has been in the hospital since she fainted. She has been a bit more awake, and she’s been smiling with optimism every time I’ve seen her, although her skin was tired and pale, and her breathing was scarce from time to time. She could impossibly have been happy or content, yet whenever I saw her wake up, or when I entered the room, her eyes were oddly shining with something I just couldn’t phantom.

We never spoke of the fact that she might return to the US again; I couldn’t find myself to bring it up, and her parents never mentioned it to me. Neither did she, and I figured it was for the best; I believe none of us would like to think of it anyway.

“You know,” she started as she sat by the window in a quiet part of the halls in the hospital. Her legs were too weak to function anymore, and she had to sit in a wheelchair for now; she didn’t say anything, but I knew that she thought it was odd. I looked down at her from my position, standing behind her, looking at the sun shining down on the white snow. “I dreamt about you last night.”

I raised my eyebrows up in surprise. “Oh; really?” I asked, and with a nod she smiled; I could see it from her reflection by the window glass. “Yeah; we were walking across the beach somewhere, and we had this cute little house by the shore. The water was incredibly blue as well; probably the bluest I’ve ever seen. And we danced, and kissed, and laughed and talked until the sunset,” she rambled on excitedly, eyes still twinkling as she now looked over at me. “But you said the cheesiest things ever,” Tiffany concluded after a while. I only smiled a bit, asking her what I said; her cheeks turned slightly pink.

“Well… You ripped off a lot of “A Walk to Remember” quotes, and said that “Love is like the wind; you can’t see it, but you can feel it” and a lot of other stuff I don’t even remember,” she said and I chuckled slightly. “I would never say that; I haven’t even seen that movie,” I replied jokingly, although it was true, before nudging her slightly. “Besides, you probably liked it anyway,” I retorted smartly, and she looked away with a stoic face now, although she couldn’t fool me. Of course; I knew it.

“Oh Stephanie, Stephanie; wherefore art thou Stephanie?” I playfully said with a hand on my chest, and the other on Tiffany’s shoulder, watching her now serious face and straight lips twitch a little. “Is Shakespeare not good enough?” I asked, but I earned no response.

“You want to know the best thing in my life?” I continue, both of my hands on her shoulders. “It’s the first word of this sentence,” I whispered in her ear, another smile shielded from me, although I knew she wanted to let it out. Her cheeks also gained some color.  She’s stubborn, that’s for sure.

“On a scale of one to ten: you’re a nine and I’m the one you need,” I continued, and this time she smiled slowly, until she laughed wholeheartedly, clapping her hands as she sat there like a seal. “Oh my god that was horrible,” she said through her giggles and I soon joined her, laughing as well, supporting myself on the handles of the wheelchair. “You’re still blushing though,” I say after a while, earning a playful hit to my arm. “I am not,” she denies, although she totally is, and we laugh silently for a while longer until a comfortable silence falls upon us, the sun hanging low in the sky.

“Jessie,” Tiffany calls out after a while again, reaching out her hand, and I grab it gently. There’s a more serious atmosphere than before, all of the sudden. I turn my eyes to look at her pale complexion, dark hair and slightly glossy eyes.

“I’m sorry this had to happen.”

She said it softly, yet I heard those words loud and clear. The grip on my hand tightened around her, a piece of my heart nearly breaking by her voice. She’s sad now, and most of all she seemed guilty for something that was beyond her control. “What are you even sorry for?” I ask seriously, and her eyes focus on something outside, her mind somewhere else. She swallows a bit, as her hand twitches. “Everything; for the fact that you’re here and not living your life to its fullest, or that you’re with someone who’s healthy. And I don’t want to be a burden for you.”

The silence drags on again, and I couldn’t believe I was hearing this. Nothing was her fault; and she should know that she is and never was a burden to me. I found myself kneeling in front of her now, my hand still in hers, and for a moment it reminds me of the time when she first told me about this disease at the bus stop for a while ago.  “Hey,” I said gently, the memory vanishing slowly as I focus on the present, making her look over at me and into my eyes. They are still shining, but they’re covered by sadness, guilt… Everything I didn’t want her to feel.

“Tiffany, you’re not just anyone that has entered my life. You’re my best friend, and you’re also the one I fell in love with. Do you think I would feel like this with just anyone?” I say seriously, and I studied her face again, with her hand in mine, wondering how someone so broken can still be so perfect. “It doesn’t matter if you’re sick, healthy, if you lose your voice or sight. Even if you lose your memory, I’d still love you despite. I already did before I knew, even when you wanted your space. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything, really.”

Her eyes started to water, and I almost felt myself doing the same, trying to keep my voice steady as I spoke. “I think even now, although we are young, I would marry you – I know it’s not legal in this country, but whatever, we could move to a place which accepts it. I love you, you know that, right?” I said seriously, and I looked up at her face, a lone tear falling down her eye and down her cheek.

“Wow, this really does sound like a Nicholas Sparks film,” she says to lighten up the atmosphere around us. I let out a soft smile, happy she at least made a humorous joke again. “But you know what the worst part of this horrible, way too cliché speech I’m giving you now?” I asked. “And probably the most honest thing I’ll ever tell you?” I continued, and carefully shaking her head a bit confused, I smile softly before lightly kissing her hand, and getting up to lightly kiss her lips, before looking straight into her eyes.

“The reason that I’m with you is not because of the possibility of you surviving, or the fact that I feel as if I have to. I’m here because I love you,” I say, looking into her eyes that still shine with the tears slightly falling down her face, yet the beautiful smile on her face is there. I find myself kissing her once, twice, until I finally tell her the truth.

“And I love you now as I say this, and I’ll love you even when I’m done saying this; Hell… I think I’ll love you forever, Tiffany.”

**

The next day as I entered the hospital, I found myself not heading directly to Tiffany’s room, but rather to find her doctor.

He stood in the hall talking to a nurse about something, clipboard in his hands along with a pen. The nervousness inside growing the closer I came to the doctor, hoping that what I had planned would work out; that he would let me. “Dr. Choi,” I manage to gain his attention, and as the nurse excuses herself he turns his eyes towards me. I find myself swallowing a bit. “Could I talk to you in private?” I knew I sounded a bit nervous, but he didn’t seem to want to mention it, and instead he offered me to go to his office.

There’s a dark wooden desk in the center of the room, with sorted stacks of papers and pictures and other items scattered around the room. He leans on his desk, and I simply stand by the chair, as he waits for me to speak. “What I’m about to ask of you now, well, I know I might not get the answer I want, but I’m trying anyway.”

He looks at me curiously now, and I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.  “I want to take Tiffany out of her room, just for a few hours,” I start and he keeps quiet. “She needs some fresh air; I’d think that would do her good,” I add later. He simply looks at me before answering. “The garden isn’t open before next week,” he says after a while, but I find myself sighing, knowing this won’t be as easy as I thought.

“No, I mean I want to take her out, as in away from the hospital and out somewhere; the park, a café, a walk around the city…” He looks at me surprised. “I don’t want her to sit inside the hospital any longer, she hasn’t said anything, but I know she despises it. I think she would feel better by this.”

There’s a long moment of pure silence as he now stands up straight, looking at me silently. His eyes seem apologetic as he opens his mouth to reply, to say that he’s sorry, but it’s not safe and it’s too risky as she needs medical supervision at all times now. “Just for a while, a couple of hours max!” I find myself saying. “Please; that’s all I’m asking for, just this one moment with her, and I won’t ask for anything else from you.”

The doctor still seems sceptic to the idea, and I knew that no matter what I couldn’t walk away without getting the answer I wanted and needed. “I just need this little while with her, please,” I’m nearly on the verge of tears, although I try to hold them back. “I don’t want to walk in and see her depressed for the fact that she’s stuck in a room she doesn’t want to be in. She just needs this small amount of freedom; I can even bring Taeyeon with me, or any nurse for that matter.”

His eyes look away, thinking for a while, before they return to look at me. And I find myself studying his thoughtful face, which seems to be searching for something, although I’m not sure of what.  And after a long time the final moment of truth arrives, as he parts his lips to give his answer.