I sit there for the longest time with the phone in my hand, the line now silent. My eyes focus on the space in front of me, not really knowing what to look at, what to say or do. I knew that this bad feeling should’ve told me something; anything but I didn’t want to listen. And now I hear this out of all things?

“Don’t misunderstand, it’s just…” Tiffany stumbles upon her words, and it takes me a while before I register that she’s started talking again. For a second I almost believed she simply hung up. Then the line falls silent again and I try to part my lips and say something, anything, but the only thing that escapes is thin air. My chest feels a little tighter than before, small breaths escaping my mouth as I try to comprehend everything.

“Can…” I manage to stutter out, before clearing my throat. I want to sound as indifferent as possible. “Can you meet me, by the usual place?”

Tiffany hesitates by that; I know even if I can’t see her. But I didn’t care because honestly, I’d rather have her tell me this to my face; just tell me what the problem is. I bury the fact of breaking it off so suddenly inside of my head somewhere, not wanting to dwell on the thought for too long. Something that happened so quickly would have to end, but it does feel too abrupt.

“Please?” my voice comes out as if I’m pleading, a little hoarse because I still feel as if something is stuck in my throat. I wait for a while until Tiffany finally speaks. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?”

I nod my head, though I know she can’t see and after that the line goes dead. Silently I place the phone on my lap, letting out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding, before I carefully stand up and walk towards the mirror by the hallway. For a while I just stare at my reflection, looking at my face. I let my eyes study my messy hair, all the way down to the dark circles beneath them and yet again I sigh.

The air is foggy as I reach the familiar fence and walk down the now lit up football field, the stadium lights gracing the green grass. I carefully make my way towards the wooden stands, hands in my pocket and eyes casted right ahead. It doesn’t take long before I notice Tiffany sitting in the middle for herself, eyes looking straight ahead as well. I sit down next her, studying her pale face and lost eyes, and then I look down at her dry lips which were mostly covered by a thick scarf.

“Are you still sick?” I ask after a while with a little worry. I know I should’ve been focused on different things, but for now the only thing I could think of was a sick Tiffany outside. Right now I feel so stupid for suggesting this at the first place. “You should have said so, I would’ve just–“I start but soon get interrupted.

“Jessica,” she calls out through a hoarse voice and I look at her with confusion. She never called me by my full name before, despite the fact that we’ve only known each other for such a short time. I purse my lips together, letting silence take over us for a while before she slowly starts to speak again. “Can you promise me something?”

I don’t know how to react, so instead I simply nod as I look at Tiffany, who now turns to look into my eyes. Her eyes look at me a little hollow as she looks at me, almost as if she is a robot. “Promise that you won’t shout?” Tiffany asks before slowly adjusting her position to face me better. I can’t promise anything right now I think to myself as I look at her, my heart slowly beating as I brace myself for the inevitable. The silence drags on as the wind blows, parts of my hair flying along with it, and I nod as an answer.

“It’s just that…” she starts but doesn’t finish, her words ending there. Nervously I look at her, barely muttering out a “What?” as I wait for her to continue. And when she doesn’t for a while, I feel the impatient part of me take a little over, as I ask her a little louder this time. “Tiffany, can you at least tell me why you’re telling me this?” I ask while looking at her. “Is it something I did?”

I look at her after saying that, not understanding what happened. Last time we were together everything seemed fine and almost perfect, as it usually feels when I’m with her. Tiffany was smiling and laughing, being her usual self just last week. Now she just seems like a total different person; quiet, stoic and almost lost.

 “I can’t be with you anymore,” she simply states through almost empty, hollow eyes that stare straight ahead. Her voice is void of emotion, almost monotonous, and for a moment I just want to go back and pretend I didn’t hear it at all. “Why?” I feel myself nearly shout as I get up from my seat, bewilderment in my eyes and my heart nearly threatening to leave my chest. I tried to conceal it all because I didn’t want to feel it, I didn’t want anything to be real right now.

“Jessica I’m sorry but…” then Tiffany takes a deep breath before looking at me again, her eyes still containing no emotion, literally scaring me inside. She always had that gleam, that happiness inside, but now I just couldn’t see anything except for sadness. For a moment I thought she was going to cry, despite her static features.

“But…?” I continue and wait for her reply, but I knew my patience was running thin by now as the seconds ticked by. Her lips are still shut as she just looks up at me, and with each second I feel my patience crumble until I just want to sit down and shout, throw or break something just to ignore this sick, unbearable feeling inside. “Nothing is forever.” She tells me after a while with a straight face, eyes not faltering even the slightest bit as she says it. “Neither are we and maybe we just started to fast… Maybe this isn’t something for us.”

It’s a fact I’ve been living with all of my life, something I told myself often until the words really held no significance. But to hear Tiffany say it, it was just not right. I look at her for the longest time with nothing to say, not knowing what to say. My throat is clogged up again and my head keeps spinning until I just can’t take it anymore.

And then I run, and run, and run without looking back, the feeling too much to bear, and even if Tiffany was to stop me I don’t think she could have.

**

It’s the break of dawn when I lie on the middle of my living room floor, my eyes casted towards the window. The sun still hasn’t stood up and neither have I since I landed here after running, not even bothering to get up from the hard wooden flooring. There are dry stains of tears around my eyes for the crying I barely realized I did, but when I finally stopped I just lied there and studied the wooden floor, along with the small part of the sky I could see from my position.

It hurts so much that I believe I haven’t experienced something so painful since that day, but even then this is a different kind of pain; I know it won’t last as long, but it’s intense and burning through my lungs and veins. I don’t even know what I feel about it, but it’s not something that I like.

Another hour passes as I lay there in silence until the sky turns a little orange, the clouds showing off hues of pink and red. Only then do I manage to sit up, my body sore from the uncomfortable position on the floor. I look at the digital clock on the small coffee table, the red lights glowing as it says seven forty five. My eyes stare on at it for a while until I let my gaze wander towards the bare walls, looking at every single empty place. With a sarcastic scoff I get up; it’s not like I don’t feel empty inside, why do I need to fill it up?

Without thinking my feet take me towards a door, where I stare at the doorknob for the longest time. This door by the end of the hall hasn’t been opened in years; actually, it’s been so long that I can’t even recall when I opened it the last time. With a heavy sigh I grab the doorknob and twist it until a small click is heard, and I gently push the wooden barrier through with a loud creak.

My hands fumble to find the light switch in the dark room, and it takes a couple of seconds before the lights turn on and soon they illuminate the abandoned room. I take a small step and another one until I’m fully inside and I look around at the room that has remained untouched since then. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I say to myself as I move towards a chair by the desk, another creak coming from the little used furniture.

 Carefully I look down at the white desk, my hand gliding over the smooth surface, before I look at the papers scattered around. Another sigh escapes my lips as I read the name on the assignment papers and tests. “Krystal Jung A+” one of them says with a red pen, and more with equal grades or nice comments. I faintly smile a little by the mess, remembering how unorganized she used to be, opposed to me. When I think of it, everything she did was almost the exact opposite of me.

Krystal was younger than me, but she was always more outgoing and lively. She used to have a tough exterior at first, but it didn’t stop her from gaining friends wherever she went. She was cool, just like that. I remember I always used to envy her easiness with other people, but never once did I have a grudge towards it. With time I learned to accept our differences and when I think of it now, we weren’t really that different when it came down to it.

After all she’s my sister; I’d love her either way.

I look towards her bed, noticing the messy sheets and the blanket nearly hanging over the edge. The disarray of the room ironically takes me back a couple of years.

“Sica, do you ever wonder what happened to mom?” Krystal asked one night as we lied on our makeshift fort of blankets and pillows during a stormy night, the thunder nearly shaking the whole house apart.

I remember looking at her for a while, before giving her a small shrug. “I don’t know Krys, I really don’t…”

I always felt bad for not being able to give her an answer, but I knew there was nothing I could do. After all I was as clueless as she was, but after experiencing it once, I always figured I could do it one more time.

“You won’t ever leave… will you?” she asked again with worry in her eyes, and silently I chuckled before giving her a long hug, just lying like that for a long while. “I won’t leave like father or mother did, okay?” I reassure her as I her hair for comfort, something that always calmed her down. “No matter what happens, I’ll be here, remember that. No one is leaving.”

A year after that I stood corrected as I stood outside in the gloomy weather, dressed in black with my shoes nearly soaking in the mud. In front of me laid a casket containing a life that was way too young to take, someone who disappeared without even a proper goodbye. I remember the ceremony as clear as it was yesterday; there were many people. Krystal always had a lot of friends and as I stood there, I noticed the tears and the sincerity behind their condolences. For a while I believed that people cared, because I knew they did.

There was this one kid who I remembered more than the others. I didn’t see her before after the funeral, when I still stood there in front of Krystal’s grave, trying to let it sink in. At that time I felt so vulnerable, so fragile that I just didn’t want to speak to anyone, and I noticed she felt the same way. We just stood there in silence and mourned together, not needing words because we just understood that no words could really comfort us.

I never personally met her after the funeral, but I would see her by the graveyard once in a while, and I knew that she must’ve meant a lot to my sister. There’s a picture of them framed on her desk, a goofy grin on that girl face as Krystal did a peace sign. Not that Krystal would ever admit it, but she did talk about her nonstop, how they never got along at first, but slowly I noticed a change in her voice after a while. She seemed happier when she mentioned her, and I remember smiling because I just knew.

“Gosh, just because Amber is also an American she thinks that speaking English to me will make her sound cool… Is she trying to impress me or something?” Krystal ranted towards me one day, and I looked at her for a while until she just seemed confused.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked and I simply chuckle. “Krys… do you have a… crush?” I asked after a while and she didn’t need to tell me; the blush on her face was enough evidence.

She never got to introduce me to her before that day, but when I first saw the girl during the funeral it wasn’t hard to see that it was probably more than just a crush. I look at the picture again, a small note where it stood scribbled “Amber and I” with a heart, and again I smile.

Amber must’ve been heartbroken, but even then I don’t think she felt the same as I did. I lost my sister, the only one who was close to me. I remember laughing in irony of it all; how one day we were eating and bickering over what show to watch, then the next day I get a phone call claiming that she died of a car accident. She got ran over by a car and the impact killed her instantly, and just like that she left this world.

Then I was alone again, having nothing to lose.

When I think of it now, I wonder if there is someone up there making a sick joke on me, or forever dooming me to eternal solitude. First my father and mother who just left us behind, then my sister, my dear Krystal and now… Tiffany.

I know that she’s right; nothing lasts forever. But even then I feel something sting inside of me by those words, because I just hoped for a while that this would be different. “But nothing will ever change, will it?” I ask myself loudly enough as I sit there and look at the picture of Krystal, smiling towards the camera without a care in the world.