Requested on my tumblr "Kaixing-Unicorn"

Plot: Yixing is broken glass and Jongin deserves so much more.

BEFORE YOU READ THIS: I reccommend that that you guys click on over to youtube and find Sam Smiths "Not in that Way" and put it on loop. It makes the story that much more real and I will not lie, I CRIED writing this because it is very close and personal to something that happened to me.

TITLE: BROKEN GLASS

They say that mirrors are like human self-reflection - they only show you what you want to see. That, no matter how much you stare at it, you can’t see what you really are until it’s broken. That, it will lie to you to keep you sane but deep down there are more band aids than stitches keeping you together. All those shards of uneven possibilities, unwanted emotions, unneeded thoughts… impossible beginnings. The minute you break, just like a mirror, you hurdle to the ground with a loud crash that defines you and leaves you scattered in pieces.

No way of regrouping on your own.

No way of mending what’s too sharp to touch.

No way of salvaging whats left.

No way to do anything but throw it away.

Get rid of it. 

Trash - nothing but a broken mirror to sweep away and forget, because why fix what’s broken when you can get a new one?

So then, I don’t understand how it is that you exist.

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It had happened all too suddenly. It had happened all at once. One minute he’s telling me that he’s leaving and the next you’re walking in with Kyungsoo under your arm telling me you’re beginning. The world couldn’t have timed it better.

I watched as Kris packed everything, unable to even look at what he was leaving behind - breaking - on his bed. It didn’t make sense, and i’m sure no one else would understand either, but he was gone long before he physically stepped out of the dorm for the last time. I wanted to believe that a cracked mirror would make it into his suitcase and walk out the door with him. I wanted to believe he wouldn’t forget something he’d used so often. I wanted to believe a lot of things…

Everyone was angry and hurt as you said your final good-bye. I saw Chen out of the corner of my eye whip his head around toward me, barely hanging onto the door frame, as Kris walked out. He would tell the band aids were barely holding. He was always so good at that. Luhan was at my side almost immediately, asking if I was okay. I didn’t get to say much of anything - a calm washed over my face, schooled into masking any doubts of my well being - before the door burst open again only minutes later.

While everyone tried to be in the dorm for Kris’s departure from campus, saying there final good-byes to the once dedicated med student, some dealt with the loss in other ways. That’s were you come in.

You had gone drinking, you just turned of age, with your favorite hyung as of late. So full of life, untouched, unmarred, you were always the one who lit up the room. Even as children, back when both of us were still holding together like brand new sheets of glass, you lit up the room without trying. It was why I sought you out. I never thought you found that in anyone else but perhaps me. It was what you’d always led me to believe. You and I, together forever, lighting up each others worlds.

I wanted to believe that you would always see me first, broken or not, because you counted on me as much as I counted on you.

That day you finally proved other wise.

The words, “Guess what? Kyungsoo said, yes, we’re finally dating!” forever printed into my skull - ringing loudly as if mocking me. I could feel a piece brake off right as you looked at me, your lips moving but I could barely listen anymore.

"Hyung, what do you think, isn’t it great?"

I nodded and smiled, watching as your own smile shone brightly back at me. You wouldn’t know about Kris breaking up with me as part of his leaving for another week. You would be too busy with Kyungsoo to care.

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I could recall with clarity as you’d called me one night to tell me you were thinking about asking someone out. You had been so excited, and I had been so floored. Kris was asleep next to me; quiet snores escaping every now and then making me remember that this could no longer be my reality as I teased you to tell me who it was. You had asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. It was almost like you knew, before deciding to just spill it out all in one go.

Kyungsoo.

You liked Kyungsoo. 

My quiet laughter only lasted so long after you’d hung up the phone. I cried for reasons I didn’t want to admit that night. Kris woke up and held me for over an hour as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I’d lost you. What was more troubling was that I wasn’t worried about Kris in that moment. All I wanted was you. 

I hated myself for it.

Giving bandaged glass to someone who was more deserving than that.

I hated myself for it.

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The band-aids only held so well for so long. With every passing day that you weren’t mine another piece of the mirror would fall away. They were scattered all over campus. The dance hall where we use to practice, the courtyard where we would chase each other around, my room where you use to lay next to me. That habit of falling asleep anywhere; it was always so cute to watch when you’d pass out in the middle of a study session. Some times you’d even fall asleep on me, but we’d never had any personal boundaries with one another, so it made sense.

Maybe you put the band aids there, because it sure wasn’t me.

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You two had been dating for over a month. It was so depressing. For every smile you directed at him, another wretched shard would chip away from me and i would have to watch it fall on def ears. 

You were slipping away.

There were brief moments when he wasn’t around that you’d suddenly remember I was a living human being and tackle me. You would never do it in front of him and part of me, sadly, wanted to think much more of it.

I hated myself for that.

We talked, and we joked, but you weren’t mine. You would never be. Learning that lesson was one that had taken me years and countless relationships but I would always fail. I would just end up a little more cracked than before and you would be there ready with the band aids. This was no different.

Kris was gone.

You thought I was moping for the loss.

I let you think that.

I hated myself for that.

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Luhan did something that made me hate you for a while, but I knew it had to be said. 

I was crying again, because it was all I ever knew to do when it got to be too much though you never saw it. Luhan and Chen were next to me. They knew. I know they did. Mirrors can try and fool the one looking in, but cracks can’t be hidden from those watching from the sides.

Out of no where Luhan pulled his cell out and dialed Chanyeol who came running. He took one look at me and he knew. I was starting to wonder how pathetically cracked I was, and how lousy of a job I was doing at hiding it.

"Tell him what you told me!" Luhan had seethed. "Tell him because damn it he needs to know!"

I sat listening to Chanyeols words and could feel the earth stop spinning. My body was numb from shock and before I knew it I was angry.

"I asked Jongin a week ago, after Kyungsoo was gone and he’d decided to go sit with you, about what was going on between you two. It’s none of my business, so I’m sorry, but it just seemed odd that Jongin was acting so… I don’t know… different around you both. So I asked if he was sure he didn’t have feelings for you. I also asked if he thought you had feelings him."

I managed to ask what he’d said when Chanyeol suddenly went quiet. He didn’t want to say it but now I had to know.

"All he said was that he figured you like him, but that it was probably because you’re lonely and you would get over it sooner than later."

It had taken me a few deep breaths, but eventually I stopped crying and let rage run though me like I’d never felt before. You had belittled me behind my back. The one person who was never suppose to break me intentionally. You knew I felt this way, yet you strung me along. Was I so cracked you pitied me? Was your perfection entitled to keeping me as a pet until someone else could put up with me? I felt so lost and worthless, but for once…

I didn’t hate myself.

I was disgusted with myself.

I hated you.

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I didn’t talk to you. I avoided you like the plague. At first you seemed distressed, like you wanted to chase after me and pick up some of the shards you’d ing broken off.

That lasted about a week.

You stopped chasing me after that.

I over heard from Xiumin and Suho two weeks later that Kyungsoo had broken up with you.

My heart started to beat fast at the news.

Just like that I hated myself again.

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Alone, shut out, crying, broken now more than ever - it was how I spent my days following your break up. Recalling memories of what seemed like passed lives since they were so far away now from where we were was all I knew. The fist time you’d fallen in love was back in high school. I wanted to die when you said ‘love’ but after a month Taemin made you feel like dying more than I could love you back to normal. 

Back then we were so close, but we were made much more in those weeks of you getting over Taemin. You needed me as much as I needed you and that was enough for us. It was the only time I was ever able to mend your mirror but it shocked me how it was able to go back to normal after the band aid fell off. All the band aids you’d placed on me then, and after, always stayed put.

I realized I wanted you next to me even though you where the reason I was so miserable.

I wanted to hate you. 

It didn’t work anymore.

I was broken.

I could never give you broken glass.

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Graduation. I was done with all my college studies. I was going to be able to start a new life. I wanted to share it with you but you were out and about with your significant other. Kyungsoo took you back, at least, that’s what Luhan told me after the ceremony. I wanted to keep you with me, I wanted to believe you still wanted to keep me despite my broken nature. I didn’t want to accept you didn’t care, but I figured I should get use to it.

I walked to the dorm, ready to take my bags and leave, when I walked in I found you. Kyungsoo was under you shirtless and you looked about ready to have your way with him when I barged in. 

I was already broken beyond repair so I didn’t bother to hide the tears forming in my eyes as I said “sorry” and ran to my room. I shut the door behind me and fell to the ground. My sobbing wasn’t loud but it hurt. I wanted it to hurt so I could remember this later. I wanted to just stop caring about you even though I knew I had loved you far too long for that to happen anymore. I wanted to give myself to you and you only, but broken glass hurt to pick up. It cut up more than healed and who would ever want that?

Besides, you were always much more deserving of someone who could give you perfection. A beautiful mirror unused, untouched, just like you.

I cried and cried, letting out everything because I wanted it to stay here. I didn’t want to take it with me back to China. I could never forget you, but at least if I was gone, you wouldn’t have to look at a broken mirror all the time.

That was when you knocked on the door.

I got up.

I wiped away the tears.

I opened it.

You looked at me with something in your eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time before reaching out and embracing me. I realized then that Kyungsoo was gone and let out another bout of tears. This, what ever we had, was beautiful. I didn’t want to mess it up when you leaned down and kissed me. I pushed you away as soon as I felt the electricity run though me. 

"No," I told you. "You don’t mean it… It’s going to everything up. Please, Jongin, just don’t. You can’t do this to me now. Not after everything."

You just reached forward and embraced me again. I could see pain in your eyes but my walls were so stacked that I couldn’t read it properly the first time. 

"I would rather you be with him, who can give you their all," I spoke softly as you led me backward onto the bed. I sat down as tears ran down my cheeks. "Than me, who can only give you broken glass. Please Jongin… Go chase after Kyungsoo. I love you, but not in that way."

You hesitated before speaking.

"Are you sure that’s what you really want?"

I nodded, my eyes shut, hoping you would walk away and I could just die right here.

"Too bad."

You pushed me back and kissed me with such passion I could melt in your hands. You were gentle, loving, and made sure every inch of me was touched by the end of that night. With every kiss you placed on me you put together the mirror I’d left for trash.

You put me together.

You loved me.

You cut your hands trying to reconstruct me, but you did it with a smile on your face.

They say mirrors are like human self-reflection, but I think mirrors are more like broken glass that just needs to be put back together if you really want to keep them.

Jongin, you must really want to keep me after all.

END.