Please note that this fic takes place after Kibum left XING.

-

Have you ever felt something in you tingle, plainly because a person appeared before you? When you thought it was just a coincidence, the feeling only gets more intense and makes a certain part of you hurt without that one person’s presence?

Other beings, other loves may have walked into and out of your life, yet you cannot place a finger on that feeling that electrifies your body and make you feel alive, more alive than you should be, than you should feel.

-

Kevin was warned five times by his manager, who had insisted on following him to the concert. Kevin shook his head with an assuring smile.

“I’ll be fine.” He said, wrapping a scarf around his neck in case he gets cold, or recognised. A black cap placed carelessly over his unstyled hair, a bag slung over his shoulders, Kevin walked out and promised to be back before midnight.

He wanted to take a break, also wanting to admire how his seniors rock the stage with their mind-blowing vocals. He continued walking, checking the time as he did. There was still twenty minutes before the concert will commence. It was all right. The concert venue wasn’t very far from his dormitory, where he lived with his four other group members.

It had been five, but someone left.

-

Take my hand, hold me tight,
and take a rest in my heart so that
you might feel the heat simmering in

-

Kevin slipped into his seat after visiting the toilet (it was a special performance by a special guest, and as mean as it might sound, it was all right to miss it), a V.I.P. one at the front because he was a star, and his company managed to ask for a ticket for him since he requested politely (and very sweetly). It was only one ticket, so the company thought it wouldn’t hurt.

At the corner of his eyes, he thought he saw a familiar pair of jeans. He shrugged it away. How familiar can a pair of jeans be, when they are all so similar? He decided to concentrate on the performances DBSK was pulling off perfectly. There were some small mistakes here and there, but that only meant the whole concert was live, and mistakes are inevitable in live performances. Kevin was a singer himself, and that he knew very well.

“How are you doin’ out there? This song, it makes you fall in love again, it makes you happy, with love.” Kevin smiled. Micky Yoochun’s English was good, and the words he said were pretty. He prepared himself to scream like a fanboy, for this was his favourite song. Maybe he’ll sing along, but he didn’t want to ruin the concert for those around him.

The rest of the DBSK members got into position while Xiah Junsu and Max Changmin started the song with a few perfectly-hit high notes. U-Know Yunho then sang his part in his middle low range.

As much as he worried ruining the concert for others, he couldn’t control himself, mouth opening to sing along, even harmonising just because he knew how.

-

I can't take it.
Your small shaking makes me want to
Put you on forever, oh baby
and never want to take you off, do you know?

-

Kibum’s breath hitched. His brother was busy with promotions of his group’s new album, but since they were given free tickets to DBSK’s concert (since they were acquainted), it was a waste to return the kind offer.

He didn’t realise anything was out of order when he first entered the concert area and sat down. It was true, anyway, that everything was fine. The concert was greatly planned and thus the screams (Kibum thinks the fans would scream no matter what, but nevermind, tonight’s not the night to talk about it, especially when the stages were really astonishingly magnificent), the lightings were quick and brightening or dimming with the beat of the different songs well, creating an impressive effect that further emphasised The Rising Gods of the East’s beautiful faces.

The person beside him stood up probably to visit the restroom. That was normal too, nature’s call. His eyes were focused on the special guest, as DBSK probably went to change clothings to fit the next few songs. He thought he saw a scarf that belonged to someone he knew. Then again, the scarf was bought from a regular retail shop, why would only that someone have it?

The man returned after a minute or so, and that was the exact moment his breath got caught in his throat.

That figure, that cap.

Those sleepless nights spent tossing around in bed because his body ached. Maybe not the whole body, maybe somewhere around his chest. Kibum went to the hospital once to check if he had lung problems. The doctor said his lungs were healthy, asked if he smoked. When given a negative reply, the doctor assured him that his lungs would be as strong as any other normal person if he continued staying away from smokers, so as to not breathe in second-hand smoke.

He would sit up in the middle of the night, hands feeling around for the table lamp’s switch. Brightening the dark room with the light, Kibum would rest his head against the cushioned headboard of his bed, looking directly in front of him.

There, was his ex-group’s promotional poster. When he had slightly long raven hair, looking like someone who walked out of an animation. His gaze moved from s, one by one. He forced his eyes to avoid the person standing beside him, also in the middle of the four membered group. There was nothing much to see anyway, he could already draw out that person’s face by memory if he had talents for drawing, memorising every detail of the other’s face long ago.

Why did he do that? He had no idea.

What was that feeling? He doesn’t know.

Maybe he spent too much time with the younger boy. Yes, maybe that’s it. That’s why he misses him so much now. It was like how he was forced to throw away his ten-year-old pillow, he missed it so bad he couldn’t sleep as well. It will go away, as soon as he finds a replacement, Kibum thinks.

And at the corner of his eyes, he saw the younger boy tremble. Without any real planning, a thought crossed his mind, and it became his actions.

-

Stolen my soul
Stolen my heart
I'm filled with you so much that,
(Your embrace is warm like the early morning sunlight)
I can't breathe
Like a small child caught in the rain
Like the love sprinkled on the earth.. tonight..

-

Kevin’s eyes widened as he felt something on his back. It felt like a jacket. Why did he suddenly have a jacket around him?

He looked to his left to see a reporter taking down notes of the performance, and then looked right to see the person beside him looking to his right. He raised an eyebrow, wondering what there was to see on the right. The man turned back, and saw eye to eye with Kevin.

He blinked, the other immediately covered the left side of his face that was facing Kevin.

No wonder the scent smells familiar...

It was the same man that left him one night, without any warning or last words. Kevin thought the man had fallen sick, therefore absent for a week’s worth of practise. He then decorated a card with well wishes and placed it in a fruit basket. He was about to leave his dormitory with the fruit basket in hand, when his manager informed the group that they were to release an album with five members.

It was as if everything was a dream. Or a nightmare, to be exact.

He felt ripped off, but he couldn’t cry like he would have if he was a little baby, lollipop stolen from his greedy older sister. He felt as if he was ripped off something more important, and that made him even more annoyed, that he couldn’t even find the strength to cry. For weeks, he ended up feeling empty, some part of him detached from him, he didn’t even know why.

Youngkyung-hyung told him to feel better. He smiled back, telling the older man that he was great. The other gave back a weak, sad smile. Kevin doesn’t understand, the smile seems to say “don’t lie”, but he wasn’t lying. There wasn’t any reason to feel bad, depressed, anything. It was just a departure of a member he had spent a few months with, like how he had to say goodbye to his classmates back in San Francisco. It will disappear, as long as he finds other things to concentrate on, Kevin thinks.

And he felt goosebumps forming on his skin, a part of him suddenly feeling ecstatic. He reached out mindlessly, pulling the older man’s hand down, away from his face.

-

Now I know why those people are saying "love is blind"
I believe my heart belongs to you. I love you more than I do...

-

They stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like eternity, Kibum noting that Kevin gotten thinner, deep sunken eyes evident from late-night sleeping or times when he probably doesn’t even have the chance to sleep. It didn’t change a single thing. The fact that Kevin still looked beautiful stays. Kevin took in Kibum’s face with his eyes, wanting to update his memory of the older man although he promised himself to move on. The stray strand of hair that had fallen before Kibum’s eyes didn’t spoil the image, only making the man feel more real than he already is.

It suddenly felt as if they hadn’t parted.

Kibum frowned as he saw Kevin furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to know what caused concern to be written all over the younger’s face. Kevin only tore his eyes away from Kibum’s pair, acting as if nothing had happened, as if he had been watching Xiah Junsu raise his microphone to start his part all along.

Kibum frowned till his eyebrows hurt, attention stolen by the star that seemed to shine brighter than the five on stage. At least he did, in-

In his...where?

Where did this feeling come from? Why was he so bewitched by the younger man all of a sudden?

Even more curiously, why did this sudden feeling not catch him by surprise?

-

Like a fireball you're spreading a fire in my heart, burning it all
I love you when I saw you, when I touch you, when I feel you
When I fall in love...You've got an endless passion

-

Kevin was thankful that there were strong lightings only on stage. He felt his cheeks warming up, the way they would when Junhyung-hyung found his pink underwear. It was a fangift, he just didn’t have the heart to throw it away, really. Yet there wasn’t anything to be shy or embarrassed about. He was just...staring at someone. The way Kibum would stare at him and make him smile, because there always was a mischievous glint.

That was it. The older man was staring at him in a different way.

Kevin tried to chase away the inner him that spoke what sounded like the truth.

“It’s intense. His eyes say it all.”

Kevin Woo was no idiot. Sure he knew that, but he couldn’t describe, couldn’t name the feeling. There was something that fired up in him, and the sensation was exhilarating as was it confusing. He had felt it way too many times around the older man, but it had always been a cheerful atmosphere he thought it was normal. Besides, he was a foreign human in Korea, cultural differences could have caused the euphoria. This, however, was serious, quiet, no jokes to laugh the feeling off. And what were those eyes filled with?

He decided he would return to the dormitory, and Google.

-

Stolen my soul
Stolen my heart
I'm filled with you so much that
( I can feel you living and breathing inside of me to the fullest)
I can't breathe.
Like a small child caught in the rain
Like the love sprinkled on the earth...tonight...

-

Kevin wore his sunglasses, looking very suspicious in the night. Who wears sunglasses in the night if not for an idol, a celebrity, or simply someone famous? He pulled down his cap further, and tried to walk away as fast as possible, as if running away from a fan that recognised him. Except that there was no fan that recognised him, only an old friend.

“Kevin.” A hushed whisper, in case he did catch the attention of people who were sensitive to idols’ names. It was not everyday you hear an English name in Korea, anyway. Kevin missed the way the older will call his name in heavily accented English. It was cute.

But he moved on. Literally.

“Kevin!” A slightly louder attempt. Sighing exasperatedly, Kibum decided to do it the hard way. Wrapping his hands around Kevin’s tiny wrist, he gave it a strong tug and got Kevin by his side at the next moment.

“What?” Kevin replied curtly, slightly annoyed, slightly relieved.

Where did the relief come from?

“I...I don’t know actually.” Kibum confessed, and Kevin immediately started walking again. “Wait! We need to talk.”

“About what.” A sentence that came out rudely, more like a sentence than a question that it should have been.

“Are they rubbing off you or something? You weren’t like that...” Kibum frowned, not used to Kevin not being all smiley and clingy.

“Get to the point.” Kevin felt guilty, but then again, he wasn’t the one that left without a word. Was he angry now? Where did the anger come from?

“I don’t know! Just go home and sleep!” Kibum ended up losing his cool, at a loss of words when really having to say something. He just knew there was something he had to solve between them, and Kevin wasn’t helping with his new attitude. “Just go home.”

Kevin bit his lips, and no matter how much he knew he should, his legs didn’t take a step from where they were. Kibum didn’t move either, and they just spent time staring at the floor, admiring how the concrete formed uneven texture on the road.

A car’s horn woke them up from their temporary trance, Kibum pulling Kevin close to him since he was closer to the pedestrian walkway. Kevin, not expecting the sudden jerk, fell in the direction he was being pulled towards – into Kibum’s arms. Kibum immediately let go of his grip, while Kevin slightly pushed Kibum to form a comfortable distance between them, only to be engulfed in uncomfortable silence.

“Why didn’t you just leave?” Kibum finally spoke, words so soft Kevin’s ears strained to hear.

“You didn’t either.” Kevin replied just as quietly, a game instantly forming. The louder person was the loser.

“You wanted to.” Kibum pointed out.

“I can change my mind.” Kevin shrugged.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Something in Kevin snapped.

“What’s wrong with YOU?!” Kevin lost. Lost what, he didn’t know exactly. No one stated the rules of the game, and what was the game currently?

Kibum stared back, seeing the fury in Kevin’s eyes. The burning rage, immediately extinguished when met with Kibum’s soft eyes. “Maybe, maybe there’s something wrong with me instead. I don’t know, truthfully, I think I’m going to die.”

Okay, that was shocking.

“Why...?” Kevin took a step forward, hands instinctively moving up to feel the older’s forehead, as if every sickness is accompanied with a fever. “You are slightly warm, but my hands are cold.”

“My chest has been hurting, I went to the doctor and he said I was fine. But the pain didn’t go away, I think I’m having a one-in-the-world kind of disease that no one has the cure for yet. It leaves me breathless.” Kibum sighed. “I think my days are numbered.”

Kevin blinked. “No, there must be a cure! Why would you be attacked with a disease so fatal? That doesn’t make sense, it-”

“Anything can happen in this world, Binnie.” Kibum replied, habit taking over his speech.

Neither realised.

“Does it hurt now? At this point of time?” Kevin asked, concerned written all over his face.

“Not that much, when we were in silence for about 7 minutes? Yeah, it pained so bad I thought I was going to die there.” Kibum nodded solemnly.

“What does it feel like, really?” Kevin asked, as if a doctor trying to grasp the situation.

“Like someone dissected me, had accessed every part of my flesh and tore it apart.” Kevin almost puked at the mental image. “Sorry.”

“It sounds like something I’ve felt, though.” Kevin said as he patted his chest, willing the nausea feeling to disappear. “Like your nerves were being pressed on? Sometimes your chest burns too?”

“Ah, maybe?” Kibum scratched his head, also unsure.

“I planned to Google.” Kevin confessed.

-

I don't have the courage to face these deep feelings
The love that you've given me is slowly swallowing me
I know, our love's a miracle...you ease the pain in me
and slowly the pain becomes my delight...My love can be...

-

“Come on in.” Kevin gestured as he placed his shoe neatly on the shoe rack filled with many shoes. “You can leave yours anywhere else.”

They had been talking so easily, slipping in questions of how the other had been living while continuing their conversation of their supposedly fatal disease.

“My laptop is in my room, bring it out to the living room. I’ll make us both something to drink.” Kevin instructed, leaving for the kitchen.

Kibum blinked. Did this place change much after he left? He took a few seconds to look around him. It was still pretty messy, but it still felt so close to heart.

Heart...

Shaking the thought away, he walked into where he thought the younger’s room was. He idlely wondered who replaced him on the no-longer-his bed. Knocking slightly but not too loudly since it was quite late, he turned the door knob and entered, switching the lights on as he did.

Not a single foreign thing was there.

He recognised everything as Kevin’s. His laptop was sitting nicely on the bed, connected to the power plug probably for charging purposes. He switched off the power plug and plugged the laptop out, surveying the room once again.

There.

His picture was still there.

“What’s taking you so long, hyung?” Kevin stood at the doorway, holding out a drink for Kibum. “Here, I assumed you still like apple juice.”

“Yeah, habits don’t change.” Kibum chuckled, walking out and reaching out for the glass of apple juice with one hand, the other holding the laptop by his side.

Kevin smiled and turned to look at his room. That’s right, habits don’t change.

Switching off the lights, he walked out and saw Kibum setting up the computer already. “Your password hasn’t change, has it?”

“Nope.” Kevin shook his head and got the both of them chairs. Kibum already started Googling.

In the search bar, Kevin saw “warm tight chest feeling” keyed in.

Kibum pressed enter and they browsed through a few.

“You might have angina, chest pain caused by-”

“-anxiety attack symptoms: There are over 100 symptoms of anxiety.”

“A warm feeling in the chest mean the acid reflux disease or simply known heart burn . The person should go and get examined by the doctor for the exact reason-”

Kevin and Kibum looked at each other and shook their head. Nope, doesn’t seem like what they’re finding.

Kevin took in a deep breath and asked for the mouse. He pressed the back button and scrolled up to the search bar, adding three words.

“around one person”

Kibum blinked, slightly glancing at Kevin who was now reading the first link.

Panic attack?

Nope, not it.

Second link.

“When I think of this man I kind of like hanging around, the way we have eye contact and how he holds me, my chest area goes warm and weird, a little tight, but hard to explain. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it feels good. What does it mean? I’m not so sure myself, as I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Also, I find the word “love” hard to say, depending on the circumstances, sometimes I want to really be with the person, then other times I'm not sure. Can this still be love?”

Scroll.

“I’m no trained physician, but I’ve dated 5 men who had all taken my breath away. I’ll not beat around the bush, simply put, you’re in love. It might be hard to acknowledge the fact, but that’s because you still don’t know how to love, what to do when you’re in love and what in the world is love actually. Don’t worry, let your heart lead the way. Everything will work out, for better or for worse.”

Kevin blinked.

So did Kibum.

And they continued blinking for five minutes, not sure whether to turn and ask the other if this was it. They were experiencing love. All of a sudden, Kevin hoped they really had a fatal heart disease. They just stared at the screen, neither making a move to press the back button or simply go to bed and sleep.

But it all feels right, doesn’t it?

-

Stolen my soul
Stolen my heart
I'm filled with you so much that
(Your embrace is warm like the early morning sunlight)
I can't breathe.
Like a small child caught in the rain.
Like the love sprinkled on the ground...tonight...

-

To know that it was love, it had been love, and currently is love. The feeling of it running through his arteries and veins, returning to his heart that might or might not be there, causing either an irregularly fast rate or none at all. That all night long, Kevin would want someone to hug him to bed, bothering all his hyung-deul, only to escape from their embrace five minutes later because it felt wrong. He hadn’t sleep well from then on, and he tried, tried to remember when was the last time it felt comfortable to sleep. While thinking of Kibum’s arms around him, suddenly it felt right, like a key with a locket, matching only with one in the world (unless you make an exact replica).

To know that he wasn’t going to die, unless loving someone so much could cause you to die, to know that something that sprouted in him wasn’t a virus, but love. Its roots ran so deeply, grabbing every part of his heart and sometimes leaving him breathless. That Kibum wouldn’t remember what he ate for dinner last night, even after staring at the mess on his dining table, only to remember what Kevin fed him at their last meal. He hadn’t eaten properly from then on, everything was so tasteless to him, and when was the last time something made him hungry? Right, when Kevin burnt a toast (with a frypan, they didn’t have a toaster) and used a quarter of the jam in the jam jar to cover the burn.

His last breakfast.

And it was so sweet, so sweet he thought he was going to die from diabetes, but he took a second bite, only to see the younger boy break into a child-like smile he wanted to remember before he left.

So he took a third bite, and a fourth bite, and finished it all.

Kibum’s heart ached at the memory. Leaving. And he thought back, maybe the pain wasn’t so pain now that he knew, yes he knew, that it is love. It actually feels good, the aching in his chest, to feel this way for someone he always felt a special bond with.

Kevin breathed out and it hurt. He can’t be in love with Kibum, he just can’t. Kibum’s another man, and he had a crush on a girl back in San Francisco. And then he turned to Kibum, who was still staring blankly at the screen, and wrapped his arms around the older man’s body.

Maybe he can. The feeling of something pounding against his ribcage told him that.

His heart told him that.

Kibum took his arm that was trapped between their bodies out to pull Kevin closer. They don’t know what to do, but well, the webpage said to let his heart lead the way.

His heart brought their lips together. Clumsily, Kibum almost kissed Kevin’s nose. But that’s all right; everyone has a first.

They had each other as their first.

“Tonight, stay with me.”

“I missed you too.”

-

Then you realise, not because someone told you “you’re in love”, but because your heart (it had been your heart all along) caused the pain. This is love. The pain of loving someone so much, so deeply, and that the love had always been there.

That person, this love, is the constant in your everchanging life.

-

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