Youngkyung was staring at Kibum, as if his stare would make much of a difference. It happens, times when Youngkyung hated that his glares were too gentle and too nice to be counted as a glare, so it becomes a stare.

Kibum spared Youngkyung a glance. “Quit staring.”

Youngkyung let out a sigh of relief. At least now he knew he wasn’t invisible. He also fought back the urge to say he was glaring, but decided against it when he remembered it wouldn’t sound convincing.

“Then don’t leave.”

Kibum groaned and turned his head to glare at Youngkyung, to which the latter gulped. Now, that’s glaring. “I thought we talked about this for at least a hundred times.”

“But we’ve never included him into the picture.” Sungsoo informed, patting Youngkyung on the shoulder. “Magnae’s asking to buy some sweets. Says he knows you wouldn’t let him out on his own so you should bring him out.”

“Not Kibum?” Youngkyung raised an eyebrow, and turned to look at the person in question, who in turn looked behind the pair at his door as if in search for someone.

“He sensed something wrong. Said something about Kibum rejecting to take pictures with him and then went off pouting while watching that red puppet.” Sungsoo replied.

“It’s Elmo.” Kibum cut in, more out of instincts than any desire to speak. He blinked when he saw the pair stare at him, and then returned to pack his luggage as if in guilt.

Junhyung strolled pass Kibum’s door, but paused when he saw quite a crowd. “What’s wrong, Youngkyung-hyung? Sungsoo?”

Youngkyung made a sharp turn and smiled. “Nothing. Bring Kevin down to the convenience store and spoil him with sweets. Say you have my permission.”

“Bring Jinhyun along.” Sungsoo added, giving Youngkyung a knowing glance.

Junhyung frowned. There seemed to be something he didn’t know, but he decided to not be rude and bring Kevin down. Could buy some chocolates for himself anyway. “Money?”

Youngkyung passed Junhyung 10,000won, telling him to take his time. “You guys can buy some ice-cream and walk around the park, but make sure no one sees Kevin because only he’s on TV.”

“Noted. What’s his favourite ice-cream flavour?”

“Strawberry.” Kibum said a second after Junhyung asked. Youngkyung noted that Kibum looked like he was mentally slapping himself. Nevertheless, Kibum continued. “But tell him you like it too, or else he’d act like he likes chocolate just because it’s more of a boy’s flavour.”

Junhyung widened his eyes in amazement. He never thought Kibum was close to Kevin, or anyone for that matter. Ever since he was placed in XING’s dormitory, he noticed that Kibum always kept to himself.

“Will do.” Junhyung nodded, before pulling Jinhyun and Kevin out.

“I CAN EAT ICE-CREAM?! YAY!”

-

“We’ll let you leave, but you have to appear in the White Day video we’re filming with the two members that are replacing you. Sort of to show that you aren’t leaving because you don’t like the two, and fans probably don’t want to spend White Day with the news of one member leaving.”

“Okay.” Kibum nodded. He wouldn’t want to leave without celebrating at least one White Day with him either...

-

Six-member group XING then entered the studio, with a squealing Kevin bouncing all the way. “OH MY GOSH! CANDIES! PRESENTS! I WANTTTT!”

It took a while to get him to keep quiet and listen to what their script writer had to say. They briefed them through what to say, their sitting positions, and asked them to end of with an acapella performance.

“Jinhyun and Junhyung at the sides, Kevin and Kibum in the middle. Youngkyung and Sungsoo to fill up the space beside Kevin and Kibum.”

“Filming to start in 3, 2, 1!” The cameraman shouted and then zoomed out to get a full view of the group.

Everything went well and according to the script, where Kibum direct questions to Kevin and Kevin continues. Youngkyung and Sungsoo speaks once in a while. They then leave the reading of fan requests to Junhyung and Jinhyun, each reading one request. Kevin never felt happier when Kibum finally started making eye contact with him again. Fans might think him smiling away is for fan service, but really, he was just unable to keep that contented smile.

When filming was over, they stood up and got ready to leave the studio. Kevin asked for some candies from the noona-deul, before jumping on Kibum’s back and then hugging Kibum’s waist with his legs. Youngkyung and Sungsoo looked at each other before shaking their heads, a smile creeping up both their faces at how adorable these two were.

Kevin was never afraid of showing his affection. He hugs anyone he wants to, and anyone always let him have it his way. It was obvious, though, that he stuck to Kibum like glue most of the time.

Kibum on the other hand, never shows affection. Maybe he does, but Youngkyung and Sungsoo never witnessed any before. Kevin might have though, considering the fact that both of them were always disappearing together. From Kevin’s account of how nice Kibum always is, they guessed they were watching Sesame Street, again. For one, both of them could never stand watching Sesame Street. They don’t dare to tell Kevin that, because he’s only 15 and can even watch Powerpuff Girls if he wants to.

Kibum chose to shut up and spoil Kevin one last time. It was White Day, afterall. He read Kevin’s diary countless times to know of all the romantic things this boy came up with. Although he doesn’t need to be the one to to realise those fantasy dreams Kevin has because they were not in a relationship, he wanted to. Sure, they weren’t in a relationship. They only naturally fell into such a situation, and neither needed to confess anything. Both of them never mentioned “love”, yet both always kept close. The two never did anything out of ordinary, only too many nicknames and too many hugs to count.

Kevin passed Kibum one lollipop and watched in glee when Kibum smiled at him. Kibum pulled the lollipop out of his mouth and gave it to Kevin. They just continued sharing the lollipop, with Kevin ranting on and on about how he needs to write a diary entry on today and title it “the best White Day of my life”. Really, the day wasn’t especially special. In fact, it had been just like any other day before Kibum decided to leave XING, before Kibum tried to keep a distance from Kevin. Yet Kibum wouldn’t tell, he wouldn’t burst Kevin’s bubble, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk away with Kevin staring at his backview.

-

“IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? HOW MUCH OF A COWARD ARE-“ Sungsoo exclaimed, breaking the peace present in the dormitory a minute ago. Youngkyung exited his room and checked the clock, 11.25pm. He then looked around to see Kibum’s hand over Sungsoo’s mouth, and another of Kibum’s hand holding his luggage. Both looked at him, and Kibum immediately took his hand off Sungsoo’s mouth and headed for the door.

“Not so fast, Kibum.” Youngkyung frowned. “Explain.”

“I’ve been patiently explaining and see no point in repeating myself. The only reason why it’s at night is because-“

Jinhyun and Junhyung both appeared, one yawning and the other rubbing his eyes. Kibum looked frightened for a second, and then disappeared before anyone could speak again.

-

“KEVIN, OPEN THE DOOR!” Youngkyung screamed.

Kevin only cried harder. It was too much change to cope with within a night. Or was it still at night? His Tweety bird digital clock showed 12.05am. Right. Great way to start a day.

“I’M GOING TO HAMMER IT DOWN, KEVIN! OPEN THE DOOR OR ELSE!” Sungsoo joined in.

Jinhyun and Junhyung looked at the two other members in shock, not understanding anything at all. Kibum was gone in a flash, and if Junhyung was not wrong, he left with a luggage. After that, Jinhyun’s good ears told him that someone was crying. And then the two other bandmates started freaking out and banging on Kevin’s door, which was locked.

The biggest problem that Jinhyun and Junhyung could make out, was that Kevin never locked his door. That boy never bothered anything about privacy, so this was a first. And Kevin was probably crying. With the boy smiling 24/7, the two knew something is very wrong.

“Kevin! Please?” Youngkyung spoke softer, asking Sungsoo to find a key quietly.

The cries stopped, and Youngkyung stood patiently by the door, thinking that Kevin would open it soon. However, seconds turned to minutes, and minutes lasted to hours. There wasn’t any key to Kevin’s door, or to any of their doors. No one thought of privacy when they got their dormitory, it seems. All of them felt unconsciousness engulfing them, and then slept in different corners of the living room, except Kevin who fell asleep on his study table.

-

The manager entered and raised his eyebrow at such a scene. Sungsoo was the first to wake up, immediately notifying the manager of Kibum’s departure and Kevin’s locked room.

“I know, company told me long ago. I’ll go pick Kevin’s lock, you go wash up and wake the rest.” The manager nodded and found a thin stick randomly, before starting to pick Kevin’s lock.

After getting the other members to wake up and then freshening up, they saw the manager sitting comfortable on the couch and switching between music channels.

“Is-“

“Yeah, apparently he- Well, you can see it for yourself.” The manager sighed. Youngkyung wasted no time and went to check on their magnae.

He stopped at Kevin’s door, while the rest banged into him as they were following closely behind. “What happened, Youngkyung-hyung?”

Junhyung adjusted his position to get a better view of Kevin’s room. Everything seemed fine, until he saw the floor, filled with many big-sized pictures of Kevin and Kibum. Above the many pictures was a white teddy bear, head down on the floor, as if being thrown carelessly to where it was. Kevin slept with his forehead on the wooden table, a pen uncapped in his right hand. The tip of the pen was still on a book that looked like his diary.

Youngkyung finally pulled out from his temporary trance, walking in but careful not to step on anything. Kevin must have threw these posters on the floor because he was upset, but if it was ruined, Kevin would scream. He motioned for the rest to roll up these posters and then keeping them carefully. He went to check on Kevin, briefly reading his diary.

“Uh...who knows how to read English?” Youngkyung questioned, to which everyone looked back with a confused face. “Right. Um, any dictionary around here?”

Sungsoo pondered for a while, before heading to Kevin’s bookshelf. He fished out a Korean-English dictionary and threw it to Youngkyung.

“Thanks.” He gave an appreciative smile before turning to Kevin’s diary, while the rest continued keeping the posters.

“03/15/07
12.32am
Night, Cloudy, Awful.

Dear Serene,

Remember how I told you your name was given to you by someone? That someone just left...Sungsoo-hyung shouted so loudly that I woke up, and when I opened my door to find out what’s happening, I saw his eyes on me. He looked as if afraid of me, before he turned to run away with his luggage. I quickly shut my door and locked it. Does this make sense to you? Because it doesn’t make sense to me. We spent yesterday smiling and laughing, why did he leave? He fed me food, I shared my drink with him, he brought me to the arcade and won a white teddy bear I liked, named it Mr Bear Bear for me, I bought him a Valentine’s Day card (although it was White Day), gave him heart-shaped chocolates. Then, today he just left, as if yesterday never happened, as if we never happened.

Fine. We never happened, but I thought it was the same for him as it was for me...The way he puts his arms around my waist, the way he agrees to watch Sesame Street with me when everyone else refuses, the way he watches me instead of Elmo. Really, it frustrates me that he doesn’t laugh at Elmo’s laughter, but I like the attention. A lot. That after dance practices when we’re all tired except me, I insist to watch Elmo and he never said no. He makes sure I wear my seatbelt when he and the other hyung-deul never does. He remembers my favourite food and makes it a point to order at least one of them everytime we eat. If it was only my wishful thinking, why did he have to feed my imagination?

And why would he deprive me of his presence, when he knows that I would knock on his door in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and wants to have a bolster to hug, to have him to tell me everything will be alright...?

Yet now, nothing will be alright.

Love,
Kevin.”

Kevin’s pen stopped in the midst of a drawing. He must have been too tired to continue, but Youngkyung knows what he was trying to draw. It was the picture in which the two were made to fake kiss a little puppy during a photoshoot.

“Stupid Kibum, he knows Kevin can’t take this yet left anyway.”

-

XING moved on, with Kevin staying in the past. He would often be in a daze, and singled out to be scolded. All the other members would try to shield him, but to no avail. When they finally finished recording Kevin’s parts in songs, the company spent no time in producing and selling the mini-albums. They took awhile to film the start of the music video for “My Girl”, yet all of a sudden, Kevin started getting his mind on filming and finished his parts faster than anyone else. When they moved on to film the music video for “Study Abroad”, Kevin continued concentrating on the filming.

“Kevin, are you okay?” Youngkyung asked.

Kevin grinned. “Yeah, why not?”

Youngkyung returned a weak smile. It was painful to see Kevin with a smile that has no thoughts. As if he was forced to smile, as if there wasn’t any reason to do so.

-

And so, Kevin never cried again. It didn’t matter anymore, whether Sungsoo-hyung left, Youngkyung-hyung left, Junhyung-hyung left. It was fine, fine that they’re all leaving him, fine that he was going to have new bandmates to work with, fine that the cycle would repeat again.

Really, it was fine.

-

“Um, hello?” Kevin stared at his phone as if it was an alien thing from Mars. “Hello?”

Kevin took in a deep breath, before finally replying. “Hello..Erm, who is it?”

“Oh, it’s really you, Kevin. Guess...you don’t remember me anymore.” A chuckle from the other side of the line. It didn’t sound very happy, though. “This is Kibum.”

A knife drove itself into Kevin’s heart.

“Who?”

Kevin asked, more out of surprise than not knowing who he was talking to.

“Erm...okay, it’s fine if you don’t remember me, but...Youngkyung-hyung called me yesterday. He told me he was leaving the group and could no longer make sure you were alright. He wanted me to clear up the mess I left last year, and...”

“And?”

“Well, there is an opportunity for you, over here at NH Media...and they are promising that there wouldn’t be any change of the member make-up. Maybe an addition, but definitely no one leaving.”

So? Kevin felt like asking. It’s not as if XING Entertainment forced anyone to leave. They left on their own accord. Kevin wanted to scream, ‘You made your choice, your choice was to leave, so why are you calling me now?!’

“Want to come?”

Kevin frowned, hung up the phone, and never wanted to pick up a call from an unknown number again. He felt a tear, cold against his left cheek. Kibum left, never calling once, no news from him ever since, and then he finally decides to give him a ring.

Really, everything was fine.

Until he called.

-

“Kev, listen, it’s a great chance. Both you and I know how heartbroken you had been when Kibum left, don’t try to deny it to me. He was an idiot, now he realises his mistakes, and he wants to take you back. Give the both of you a chance, a chance that you guys never grabbed because you took each other for granted. "

Youngkyung spoke, gentle words spoke as harsh as he could. He needed to bring back the Kevin that left a year ago, and doing it gently wouldn’t.

“You’ve met all kinds of people after he left. You know why? Because he was protecting you from them, constantly asking us to stall them so he could persuade you to get some candies and leave wherever you both are. You realise that life without Kibum lost it colours and thinks he took it all out, but really, it was there all the time. You just never got to see it until he walked out of our lives.”

No, that’s not true. Kibum wouldn’t do that. He isn’t that stupid to not know life in America isn’t all rainbows and adorable puppies running around either. Yet Kevin can’t help but admit, he did see a few of those suspicious people even when Kibum was around. Only that Kibum always manages to hold his hand and pull them away from the scene, causing Kevin to forget whatever he saw. Because his heart was palpitating from the hold, because there was something magical about Kibum’s touch.

“You’ve grown up, Kev. You know the feeling you had for him is different from any other feeling you had for any other person. We were all close, but you guys were not. It’s different, and I don’t need to tell you that. There’s no other like you for him, and there’s no other like him for you. Crap, I don’t know why I’m doing this matchmaking thing, but Kevin, trust me when I say these. You can’t turn back time, but you can move forward with time. Let the one year act as the break for the both of you, the period when you both see the world without each other, and feel how it feels to lose someone you both held so dearly to your hearts. It had been painful, too painful to even hurt anymore, but it’s over. You can leave the pain behind and love again, Kevin, just leave it behind.”

Youngkyung started out harshly, but it was probably how nice he really was, that his tone became gentle. As if he was talking to a small, lost and frightened puppy, too afraid to walk anywhere. As if he was dictating a fairytale to a little child, too awake and loud to sleep.

“Hush, don’t cry, Kev. Or maybe, cry. Cry all you want because you’ve never cried since that day, and it pains me to know you’re keeping it all inside. Things are finally looking up, and I await to see your genuine smile on television again. Kevin, promise me you would only smile and laugh because you want to, not because others make you do so. Promise me you would consider this chance carefully, because once it’s gone, no one knows when it’ll come again.”

Kevin doesn’t know when he started crying. He only realised it when Youngkyung mentioned it, when his shoulders started to shake uncontrollably and when his puppy came to his tear away. Youngkyung continued comforting Kevin over the phone, and Kevin promised Youngkyung all that he asked for.

-

XING then released a digital single “T Express”. Kevin expressed his wish to leave the company , to which the company agreed, only after promotions for T Express and a few concerts scheduled ended. Kevin was the only original member of XING left, and was needed to help promote XING before he could leave. Kevin agreed, and then left in April, a month after promotions.

He was staring blankly at the piece of paper in his hands. It had been this way for a few days, Kevin not knowing whether to call or just forget the whole issue. Afterall, he was the one who hung up.

“1 new message”

Kevin opened the message and read the message, before taking a double take and reading it over and over again.

“I don’t know if you want to hear my voice again, so I decided text messaging would be better. Um, this is Kibum, by the way. Not some junk mail...yeah. News was that you left XING Entertainment...so...if you haven’t forget, the offer to join NH Media still stands. They reviewed your performances and songs in XING and liked it, so as long as you say yes, you can pop by and sign the contract. The only thing is that you wouldn’t be able to sing English versions of songs. I told them you probably wouldn’t mind, but of course if you do, you can talk to them...Well...erm, the choice is yours, I’m not going to force you into anything.”

So, all he needs to do is really just pop by?

“Give the both of you a chance, a chance that you guys never grabbed because you took each other for granted.”

-

“I’m not going to force you the way I forced you to cope with my departure.”

Kibum almost, almost added his grave mistake into the text message. Thankfully, he stopped himself. Kevin doesn’t need to relive the memory, even if it doesn’t matter anymore.

He was still in his company’s dance practice room, where his four other bandmates were. It had been quite a while, about nine months since he joined NH Media. Six months ago, he was introduced to Soohyun and Dongho, who was to join him in the debut of a group. Dongho was still studying but Kibum could tell why he was picked, while Soohyun left JYP Entertainment, stating that there was definitely no chance for him to debut there. Soohyun had a good voice, leaving Kibum confused as to why he cannot debut in JYP.

“I entered the company late, when 2AM and 2PM are formed. It’s fixed already, and because my voice doesn’t suit either concept, I was told that I could leave or stay on and wait for a chance to debut, but chances are it would take a few years before the chance will come knocking by.” Soohyun sighed, but quickly smiled. “Fine with me, at least I met you guys.”

Kibum doesn’t know what Soohyun meant by that. He knows he hadn’t been treating the two of them right, too busy with his own matters most of the time. Kibum actually never talked to the both of them before. Dongho was the one who asked Soohyun the question, and Soohyun replied him. Only that Kibum was there to listen.

The two then grew very close, constantly together. Soohyun would fetch Dongho to and fro school, while Dongho would always take two bottles of water after practise, one for him and the other for Soohyun. Kibum somehow sees him and Kevin doing the same things, although they never had any dance to practise, never had any school to attend.

Two months later, a guy named Alexander joined the trio in awaiting debut. He was a mixed blood, evident from his features and accent. He was also very loud and talkative. By the end of the first day, Alexander already decided to make Kibum talk to him. He proclaimed it loudly to the other two, to which they giggled but not tell him anything about why they laughed. Firstly, he used a sentence clause wrongly. Second, Kibum never talked. Or at least it seemed so.

Alexander obviously failed, happy when another member joined two weeks later. Elison, or Eli, was borned and raised in United States. Kibum thought of Kevin, but shook his head. The two were too different, only that they were both Koreans from America. Alexander and Eli clicked well, both conversing fluently in English, and slowly became as close as Dongho and Soohyun.

Kibum was thankful, none of them recognise him as Hyungjoon’s brother, or a member of XING. It made him feel him, not having anything define him, not having to live up to someone’s expectation. He could keep to himself as much as he wants, and people around him would just dismiss it as him being him. In the room, he was just another pretty boy awaiting debut to realise a dream.

Except that he already realised his dream, and is only here to realise it again. Hopefully, with him.

-

Kevin was re-reading his diary entries, which he stopped writing after 15^th March.

“And why would he deprive me of his presence, when he knows that I would knock on his door in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and wants to have a bolster to hug, to have him to tell me everything will be alright...?”

Kevin looked over to the teddy bear Kibum gave him. It was a parting gift, and Kevin remembered hating it. Until he found comfort in it, using Mr Bear Bear as a replacement. Mr Bear Bear wasn’t as warm as Kibum, but it was soft and comfortable. It allows Kevin to ignore it, although Kevin never wants to do so. More importantly, it would never leave Kevin, no matter what happens.

But all these don’t matter anymore. Kevin would still keep Mr Bear Bear close to heart, but he knows he would give this heart away again anyway. It might hurt once again, but Kevin was tired of using a replacement, and he was sure Mr Bear Bear was sick of being a replacement.

This time, he wants to grab the chance because the routine of finding comfort in something else was becoming too un-bear-able.

-

“Boys, meet the last member. You guys would start recording songs in June, practising your debut song’s dance, doing photoshoots and filming your music video and then finally making your debut scheduled in August.”

Kibum ignored whatever he heard, focusing on the rhythm of the song he was practising dancing to. That was until the music cut off. Kibum turned to glare at the person who did it.

And then he realised he couldn’t keep that glare.

The both of them stood in awkward silence for a while, just staring at each other.

Kevin looked over to see that Kibum hadn’t really changed. He still looked the same, except that his hair was dyed a darker shade of brown and was cut shorter so he didn’t look like a girl. His shirt was the one that Kevin picked out for him when they were shopping together a year ago.

Kibum had been following XING ever since he left. Kevin looked distantly familiar to him. He knew his latest hairstyle, so he wasn’t surprised when he saw that Kevin had dark brown hair, ending at his shoulders. As if to prove that Kevin wasn’t ready to start practising, he wore casual jeans and a striped baby blue shirt with his favourite sleeveless jacket over.

The other four looked at them with interest after their manager left. It was the first time Kibum looked at someone for so long, and the other four thought they knew why.

“He’s too pretty, that’s why.”

Kevin stopped staring, advancing towards a towel on the floor. Kibum’s eyes followed Kevin, realising that the younger boy was heading towards his towel. Kevin picked it up and then walked towards Kibum, who looked back as if dumbfounded.

Lightly, Kevin patted Kibum’s towel against the sides of his head, which were dripping wet. Kibum kept staring at Kevin, trying not to concentrate on the fact that Kevin still smelled of lavender, nor the fact that Kevin grew from a childish pretty boy to a beautiful young man. He looked the same but yet so different, with dark eyes evident from the hectic schedules.

When Kibum was finally dry, Kevin smiled contentedly at his work. It was a small smile, and a small gesture, but it brought Kibum through time. He let his hands circle around Kevin’s waist before he tightened his hold.

“EWWW! You’re all sweaty! Silly! You can hug me later, when you’re dryer and less gross!” Kevin screamed, but laughed.

Kibum felt a feeling he thought he lost and would never find it back. He felt happiness. He felt bliss. He started smiling at Kevin, and the four other members present were gawking at the sight. “I don’t want to waste any more time stalling this, I already wasted a year.”

“There’s no other like you for him, and there’s no other like him for you.”

More importantly, he sees Kevin in front of him and he felt love again.

-

“Kibummie-hyung? Why did you want me back?” Kevin asked, staring up at Kibum from his lap.

Kibum pondered thoughtfully and smiled. “Because life isn’t a fairytale, but you made it so.”

-