~~~ Still early October 2010~~~

There is something about the month of October that turns human beings into busy little worker ants. Maybe, it is the weather turning cooler. Or the days getting shorter pressuring you do more during the shorter daylight hours before the sun went done while bundled up against the coming of Old Man Winter. The year is quickly approaching its end, moderately marching on through the month of October only to wake up to find that its really November and “Oh crap!!” (or a much more colorful expression) you say “Christmas is coming!!”. Then December becomes a maddening blur of time, usually wasted in large crowds in large department stores, Christmas office parties (usually involving some helpless soul becoming so drunk that they make a complete fool out of themselves resulting in pictures being posted on FaceBook, which in turn means that that person will need to look for another job).

Then December 31-January 1 hits you smack in the face and you wonder where the hell the time went.

Around this time is also the beginning of tangled, convoluted stream of consciousness that flowed through people minds and continues on through the New Year. Those thoughts that rumble and tumble through a person’s mind becoming the foundation of those worthless New Year’s resolutions that you can never seem to keep.

Unconscious for most…consciously for Kokoro.

Speaking of Kokoro, she is currently laying spiraled on her bed, lying on her stomach, pen in hand and her journal opened she naws on her Bic pen cap while she taps the top of the pen against the pages mindlessly as she reads the last two year’s entries of her journal. She had awaken early this morning around 4:30 am. She had padded around her apartment for a while, taking two minutes to flip through the channels to find nothing worth watching, then going back to her bed room flopping on her mattress. That was when she had noticed her journal on her night stand.

If anything, October was her reflection month. It had started when she was teenager, fourteen, when she develop this ritual of self-reflection during this month.

The leaves changing from green to vibrant reds, yellow and oranges represented something to her then as it does now. The opportunity to change and to glow.

If this did her any good, that is still up in the air. Yet, there was something to be said about reviewing your life whether in print or memories that could not be denied, it benchmarked and showed a person how far they had come and sometimes how far they have to still go.

Kokoro  had faithfully kept a journal since she was ten years old. It had started out as a Japanese language class assignment in the fourth grade. She found that she enjoyed it so much that she kept it up in her personal life. Now she had a collection of notebooks and journals that faithfully documented 15 years of her life thus far. And Kokoro still wrote by hand with simple loose leaf sheets of paper and ball point pens.

Her entries were mostly in Kanji/Hargana and a sprinkling of them in Spanish and even a few ones in English.  If you were to ask her why she wrote in Japanese, since her native language is Spanish, she would be hard pressed to explain why she did so, even she wasn’t quite sure herself; maybe it is a attempt to connect to that part of herself that is so strongly Japanese.

October 10, 2010

Songs that completely describe past romantic relationships after reading what I wrote about them:

JoJo—To little, too late

Justin Timberlake—Cry me a river

And I am still out on what song to put on one other relationship; you know that one with Miguel L.

Songs that describe me :

Natasha Bedingfield—I bruise easily

Kokoro smiled a little at what she had just written…music, since she was born, played a major part of her life and if she had to describe any one moment or emotion she would use a song. Then she began to write about what was starting to weigh on her…

Update on the Mother Situation: Nothing new. And I don’t know whether that is a good thing are not. My heart is telling me to stop being a spoiled child…but I can’t seem to help it… or maybe I don’t want to…

How do I become a better daughter? Can I be better? Is she serious about wanting to start over? What would Papa’ tell me? Today I really don’t know. Tomorrow…yeah tomorrow I will try not to worry about because it is not here. It is the here and now I will try to concentrate on.

Which leads me to my next topic… I’m seriously blushing while I write this…last night I did it again. I fantasize about (and doing it with you know who). Damn hormones!! And it SOOO DOES NOT HELP THAT I AM DATING KOKI TANAKA!!! Just shot me now!!!  God, why did you make his so gorgeous? Those lips, those hands that touch me, those eyes. I was watching some older shows /TV and  interviews the other night, and I know that the camera is suppose to pick up every flaw in a person’s face especially HD. And now the film everything just about in HD and I couldn’t find a single flaw. When the camera did a close up of Koki in Assassins I about had a orgamsm then when he looked died into the camera. OMG!!! my IPOD suffle just rotated to Make You Wet Chapter One! PLEASE SHOT ME KNOW!!!

I would be worried if I WASN’T feeling this way, its just that I want to be different in this relationship. I am different then I was six months ago; true my heart is different, yet so far  from pure, that’s for sure. Some days are better than others, others not so much. I promised myself that I wouldn’t sell my heart (and my body) so cheaply anymore. and I have a very bad history,  yet I find my self more challenged then before. Sometimes I don’t trust myself. Most people would say what’s the big deal? And maybe it isn’t for them but for me…I feel like a freak now…off that…

As I sit here and write this, I think about things that I want to discuss within the pages of these covers. I can’t help but think that I don’t want this to be another journal (I have written plenty of those already, stacks and stacks already) but for this to really be a way to release the deepest darkest places inside my heart ~~~the truest things hidden inside my heart.

Right at that moment as she was writing that last sentence her doorbell rung.  She looked at her cell phone which is laying next to her. She has been reading and writing for over an hour and it is now 6am in the morning.

Getting up, she padded to the door wondering who could be calling on her at this early in the morning?

~~~

Recently Koki Tanaka has been busy, the only contact that he had with Kokoro lately has been by cell. Why? Be cause he had been in the middle of a writing spell. Koki-kun had made close to 130 bars of RAP. This was during the course of about 3 days, without sleeping and going out.

And Koki was wondering why he  was slightly cranky.
 

Furthermore, because he had to think about his rap lyrics wanting them to have a different feeling and style he had had a difficult time. Koki was glad that he had went through this challenge because he learned a lot and felt that  he had pushed him self a little bit in developing his talent.

Koki just earnestly hoped that people woud really listen and hopefully enjoy what he had put so much time, energy, and lack of sleep into it.  

With the changing in the weather, it meant something to Koki as well. One, it meant thst Jin was taking Kokoro away for a month, he frowned at the thought. Second he had feeling that once she went State side that his days would be very routine.

Study shamisen, go for muscle training, and go to work. Why does the thought of being away from Kokoro make my days seem so dark? Koki thought.

Missing her was the reason why at 6 in the morning her was standing outside her apartment door making a surprised visit.  During the middle of the night a BRILLANT idea entered into his head.

The 24 years old Koki was about to make a new first experience…a solitary trip…with Kokoro Rodriguez!! Which then became a non-solitary trip but he wasn’t about to argue symantics with himself.
 

Going aimlessly anywhere alone Koki had done before but the feeling of going on a trip was a first for Koki and he wanted to share the experience with her…

Koki wanted to go to a place neither too close nor too far…

Kokoro opened the door, surprise expressed in her eyes.

Kokoro: Koki? What are you doing out so early?

Koki: Can I come in?

Kokoro: Yeah…*she opens the door wider moving to the side to let him enter into her apartment*

When Koki crossed over the threshold he promptly stole a kiss good morning from her. They both melted into the kiss, neither of them ever got tired of kissing the other nor did they want to.

Kokoro: Good morning to you too. *Koki smiles at her, interlocking their hands, he pulls her into the sitting area where they had fallen asleep together the first time he had came over to her place*

Koki: I missed you and because I missed you so much a brilliant idea entered into my mind last night. It is so fantastically brilliant that I had to come and tell you about it first thing this morning.

Kokoro: *smiles* oh really? What is this fantastically brilliant idea?

Koki: Osaka
 

Kokoro: Osaka?

Koki: You, me and Osaka, a overnighht trip. Because, basically I like unplanned~random trips, I want to go and I want to take you with me. Come with me?

He looked up at her with those magnetic eyes that sent waves of calm through her body while at the same time turned her into mush. Those eyes were lethal. What Kokoro didn’t know was what she thought of Koki’s eyes, Koki felt the exact same way about her eyes. And because, what he was asking wasn’t law breaking or life threatening (of course it was temption threatening but that was a whole other issue) with out any further thoughts she agreed.

Besides she wanted to see more of Japan before she left.

Kokoro: okay…I’m game!

Koki smiled and grabbed her in a hug ad kissed her again.

Koki: Thanks, babe. Hurry and change I want to leave no latter than seven.

TBC~~

A/N Please excuse any misspelling and grammar errors...will fix at a later date.

Enjoy!!