#JeTi

Word Count : 1923

A/N : To those who're hurting. 

 

 

‘Why do you choose to be with me?’, that’s the question I’ll ask you.

‘I don’t know, maybe you’re charming, that’s why,’ and you’ll always reply me with this answer with your signature eye-smile on your face. But you don’t know that this was the very reason why I got attracted to you when I first saw you.

*

You choose to be with me but we aren’t in a relationship.

We’ll always hang out for movies, meet up for lunch and sometimes dinner for almost everyday. But we’re not in a relationship.

I’d once asked you why do you choose to be with me but not in a relationship with me, you said it was difficult. It was difficult to give all of yourself to someone, emotionally then physically. You’d never fancied the idea of needing someone to rely on, but you don’t know that you’re so weak at times, I just want to give you a hug to take away the pain.

*

It was just one of the days when our clique decided to have our casual meet up that we would always hold once a month.

‘Say, are you and Tiffany attached?’ Sunny asked.

‘I don’t know…’ I looked down. I wasn’t acting, I’m really lost at what type of relationship we’re in.

‘Sunny, were you asking if me and Jess are together?’ you came sitting next to me with a cup of Coffee Caramel in your hand.

‘Yeah,’ Sunny smiled, ‘so are you guys like together or something? Or is Jessica just your fling?’

Fling? That word hurts a lot.

‘Fling?’ You gave an exaggerated laughter, ‘No, we’re just close, that’s all.’

But underneath the table, our fingers are laced together and I almost broke free when you said we’re close, but you held on tighter to my hands.

‘Don’t play with her if that’s your intention for everything,’ Sunny gave a powerful glare at you before she left.

The route back home that night was unusually quiet. I freed my hands from yours as we continued walking.

‘Jessi, are you okay?’You looked at me with a frown on your face.

‘I’m just confused, that’s all,’ I tried to reply as nonchalent as I could. But I’d forgotten you know how to read my mind.

‘Is it about what Sunny had said just now?’ you bit your lips after you realized what you’d just asked me.

‘Am I?’ I asked.

“Are you what?”

“Am I just a fling to you?”

“No Jessi, you’re someone important to me that I can’t afford losing.”

“Then why aren’t we attached? Why aren’t we in a relationship? Why are you so afraid of relying on someone? Why are you so afraid to invest some time of yours into a relationship that I’d fight for?”

Silence.

Silence was your answer to me.

You dropped me home that night instead and planted a soft kiss on my forehead and muttered a soft ‘I’m sorry’. Do you know that your kisses are what melts me whenever I’m angry or upset with you?

*

I stirred my drink with my straw, looking and wondering how those ice cubes felt when they’d bumbed into one another as the water was turning in a tornado speed.

‘Jesssica,’ SooYoung snapped.

‘Yeah?’ I looked up, lost.

‘What are you thinking? You haven’t answered my questions though,’ SooYoung looked at with a pair of worried eyes.

‘What did you ask me? I’m sorry, my memory’s really bad,’ I lied.

‘I…’ SooYoung sighed as she continued, ‘I was asking you why had you chosen Tiffany?’

‘Maybe because I’m attracted to her pretty face?’ I tried answering as confident as I could.

‘And you think by answering me the way she answers you everytime, you’d be able to understand what she feels for you?’ SooYoung scoffed.

I looked down as soon as I realized that SooYoung had looked through my pretentious answer and how right she was.

I tried answering the way Tiffany did because I wanted to understand what was she thinking when she answered me that way. But I’ve got nothing in return, except for a pang of sadness in me that suffocates me terribly.

‘Jessica, get out of her trap before you completely entrapped by her…’ SooYoung soften her gaze at me.

‘But I’m already captivated by her existence,’ I replied with a sad smile.

SooYoung reached out for my hand as she tried to persuade me again.

‘Soo, I know what I’m doing. I just… I just think she needs time, that’s all. Really,’ but it sounded more like I was trying to persuade myself rather than my own friend.

‘Jess, 4 years is what you’d given and what you’re giving her. Tell me more about what that Tiffany had done? Nothing. She holds your hand, she kisses your cheeks, your every where but she’s not in a relationship with you,’ SooYoung’s eyes seemed as if they were on fire.

‘But we didn’t do anything that we shouldn’t do,’ I mumbled.

‘Not that part, idiot,’ the latter soften her tone, ‘I’m trying to say, give up on the idea of being together with her. Give up on the idea of having a relationship with her. Give up on her,’ she fixed a determined pair of eyes on me.

‘But why? Why are you so insistent about wanting me to give up on her,’ now it’s my turn to fix my gaze on her.

Silence.

‘SooYoung,’ I pushed her further.

“Because that girl, your so called girl friend or fling or whatever, she’s not even interested in having a real relationship with you. She’s toying with you. And before you rebark back, let me tell you something that both Yoona and I had seen quite a few times. Remember the times when she said she was busy?”

I nodded.

SooYoung scoffed.

“She wasn’t even busy, Jessica! She was outside with some other female, hand in hand, kissing in public, almost making out, thank god she knows that she’s in public. It’s the same woman she always hangs out with whenever we saw her. Whenever she’s ‘busy’.”

‘It couldn’t be… Your eyes are playing tricks on you,’ I muttered with trembling lips.

‘It could be playing tricks on my eyes if I was alone. But you can’t trick two pairs of eyes at a goal,’ SooYoung sighed.

“I…”

“She doesn’t love you at all.”

**

‘Are we meeting today?’ I pressed my phone on my ear with my left hand while my right hand was busy packing the cookies.

‘Sure, I’ll meet you in the evening once I’m done with work,’ I could hear you giggling through out the phone call.

Excited, I packed all those hand-made cookies by myself into a small pink tin box. You said you love the colour Pink, so I’d picked up a pink box during my shopping trip.

Today was our 49^th month of meeting, you liked celebrating our monthsary, so I did whatever I could in the short amount of time I could squeeze out from my work.

I heard my phone ringing or around 3 times but ignored it because I was busy. Until I’ve heard a signature message beeb, it was a text message from you. You said you love to have a message beeb that is dedicated for you, so I did it.

‘Hey Jessi… sorry, I’m rather busy today. My boss just gave me a mountain of files to go through today… Dinner with you tomorrow? Sorry ):’

Remember the times when she said she was busy?

She wasn’t even busy, Jessica! She was outside with some other female.

I wished to block SooYoung’s voice out of nowhere, but her voice just echoed louder into my ears, my brain.

I put on my white coat and walked towards the café we’d always go to during our free time.

‘Alone today, Miss Jung?’ the barista greeted me.

‘Not really, just waiting for someone,’ I smiled back.

I’ve ordered a cup of Caramel Macchiato while waiting at the corner of the café. What was I waiting for? I’ve got no idea too. It feels like part of me wants to know the truth, while part of me hopes that you’d still be able to meet me tonight, that you weren’t busy.

The bell of the door chimed as I saw a female and a familiar face entering the café. I could see from the side of the barista’s face that he wasn’t too happy with the situation.

And there you were, with the female, smiling and laughing at your own created jokes. The female was laughing so hard that she kept coughing. You patted her back and her eyes, so filled with love were looking back at you. You giggled as you gave her a soft, sweet kiss. Your eyes, was filled with more love and an endearing smile as you looked at her.

You’d never once looked at me like that. Not at all.

The barista turned and looked at me.

I took a small sip of Caramel Macchiato, that bitter sweet feeling lingered in my mouth. I bit my lips as I tried to smile as I guess you’ve found your own true love.

I walked to your table, no not your table, the table you’re sharing with another woman.

‘Hi Tiffany,’ your jaws dropped open.

‘This is the cookie you’ve ordered from me online,’ I placed the cookie on the table. My self made cookie.

The cookie says ‘ I Love You, will you be mine?’

‘Aww Honey, you’re so sweet!’ that girl gave you a kiss on your cheeks.

I left the café, heartbroken. I kept running and running with tears flowing down my face. I could hear you shouting from the back, telling me to stop running. I laughed at myself, wiping my tears away from my face as I raced against my own sadness. The sadness was engulfing me, and I needed to escape from all these miserable sh*t.

I raced into our room, my room, and packed my stuff.

‘Jessi,’ you panted as you walked slowly towards my side, ‘don’t … leave.’

I kept quiet as I threw all my belongings into my laggage.

‘Jessi, listen, I can explain,’ you begged.

‘Sure,’ and so I sat myself next to you, trying not to lose my cool.

‘That girl… she’s just someone who likes me a lot. And I’ve agreed to hang out with her. I mean she’s been pestering me.. that’s why I decided to stop it once and for all for today.’ You took my hand as you explained.

‘You surely don’t like her, do you?’ I questioned.

“Yes, I don’t,’ You replied so confidently, I felt as if it was a slap on my face.

‘Because you love her. Because I can see it from your eyes, your smile, your whole body langauge. I saw you kissing her, Tiff.’ I said with a sad smile.

‘Jessi… I…’ for once you’re at a loss of words.

I stood up as I dragged my laggage to the door, you begged for me not to leave.

I don’t feel like leaving physically, but my heart tells me to.

**

You once asked me why do I love to drink Caramel Macchiato. Now I guess I know. The bitter-sweetness lingers in my mouth and travels down my blood to my heart. It aches because I tried doing everything that you fancy but it wasn’t working.

I guess you’ve found someone you truly love.

But it’s not me.

 

 

P.S , It's the very first time I'm writing sad stories. So pardon me if you see some mistakes here and there. I'll try to write better (: Promise :D

Comments please :D