Drowning

 

Our love is running out of time, I won’t count the hours rather be a coward // La La La

 

The sunlight peeped through her curtain and shone next to the empty space next to her. She stretched lazily on her bed; she could feel the warm air and that brought a light smile onto her face. She folded her blanket, sat by the bedside, daggling her leg- is this how freedom feels like?

She wouldn’t know but she could feel that little tug on her heart, weighing her down a little. She didn’t think of any way to stop whatever she was feeling but instead, she decided to tiptoe across those blades of light rays that were on the floor.

She padded across to the living room and checked against the date.

12^th June 2014 , 189^th day

Jessica took a deep breath, allowing her lungs to be filled in with fresh air, held her breath for a few seconds before she exhaled it out. This was what she has been feeling lately- heaviness in her heart that sometimes plummeted down to her stomach.

She opened her refrigerator door and plucked out the milk cartoon.

Maybe if I drink some cold milk, the denseness would be lighten up a little.

And maybe she was wrong because she could only shudder when the cold milk travelled down and smoothly collected in her stomach. Maybe only when she face what she’s been feeling, she would realize that this denseness might stay longer than intended.

//

‘Good morning, Jess! You’re looking great today,’ one of her co-workers laughed.

‘Good morning, Kris. You’re looking fine too,’ she rolled one of her sleeves up to her elbow. The day of sales promotion was going to start in the mall soon; that means Jessica will be busy and she might be able to forget what she has been feeling.

She checked the time before another customer popped in front of her counter, asking for vibrant coloured steel pens.

‘Hi, good morning, how may I help you?’ Jessica gave a professional smile before she started introducing the available pens for her customer.

The customers came and left, like how people in her life did. Some bought the pens because they wanted it, some bought the pens because Jessica was a fluent promoter that could use the right words to interest her customers and some bought the pens because they were looking classy. It was some sort like how Jessica’s life has been, how some of her friends would constantly try to chat with her while some avoided her at all costs. Why did they do that, Jessica had no idea. All she knew was that she has been drawing an emotional distance from people, even with her closest sister, Krystal.

‘Are you troubled?’ Kris asked while he leaned against the wall, sipping his water.

‘Do I look like I am?’ Jessica raised her brows as she looked at him.

‘I don’t know, I’m just asking. You know you’re that type of person who bottles up your own feelings, yeah?’ Kris placed his bottle on the table.

‘I guess so? I’m not the type who voices out a lot,’ Jessica shrugged.

‘Maybe you used to be someone like that.’

//

She took a gentle step onto her front pouch, fished for her keys and fitted them in slowly; there was no point getting home quickly anymore. There wasn’t any excitement left to reach home early, in fact, Jessica wished she wouldn’t have to go home at all.

But she needed a roof over her head; she needed shelter, she needed a place for her to hide from the World for a few hours before she placed an invisible mask to face the World again.

Home, was the place filled with 4 walls that were pink at first, but was later painted with a white coat on top. Gradually, Jessica vandalized it by doing some graffiti on them. Of course it sounds crazy, who would ever vandalize their own walls? But Jessica needed an escape and she was talented with using those spraying paints to make it into different word forms.

She pushed open her door, kicked off her trainers, allowing her feet to feel the carpeted floor. The blonde slung her bag off her shoulders, hang her keys by the door side and dropped her smile.

There was no need to fake a smile anymore, at least for these few hours that she would be at home.

She checked her house phone for voice mails and found several of them from Krystal.

‘Jessica, will you be free to call?’ – 3.10 pm

‘Jessica, can you at least check your cell?’ – 5pm

‘I’m hoping you’ll at least pick up your cell or check one of the voice mails I’ve left you. You need to stop avoiding people.’ – 10pm

‘I know you’re almost home, please answer me?’- 11.50pm

Collapsing onto her leather couch, Jessica stared at her house phone. She wished there’ll be more voice mails coming from Krystal so she could drag as long as possible and delay each ticking second that was passing by. The blonde knows what her sister wants – the truth from Jessica, but that was something that Jessica has been trying to find and understand. And if she did understand, she didn’t want Krystal to know. Because if Krystal knew what was happening, she wouldn’t forgive that person at all.

The phone buzzed causing Jessica to jump in the couch.

‘Hello?’ Jessica spoke softly.

‘Jessica?’ Krystal asked.

‘Yes, it’s me.’

‘Finally you answered my call after like say, 6 days?’ the blonde could hear Krystal’s nervousness across the phone yet sensing a sense of relief washing over her.

‘I’m sorry…’ Jessica hung her head down, as if Krystal was in front of her.

‘That’s the last thing I need to hear from you,’ she could imagine Krystal’s soft smile stretching across her small, oval face.

‘I really need to apologize to you because…,’ Jessica paused and she could hear Krystal’s gentle breathing across the line. ‘Because I wouldn’t be able to tell you what you want to know or hear.’

‘What I want to hear?’ Krystal laughed. ‘Tell me what do you think I want to hear then?’

‘I don’t know… Maybe why am I being such a coward, hiding from everyone?’

‘You know you’re not hiding, you’re merely drawing a distance. But that distance is far enough to hurt everyone, or at least me.’

‘Look, I’m sor-‘

‘You don’t have to be. I was just hoping I could hear your voice, my precious sister. We’ve never been so separated before. You know I could easily find you at your work place or at least sit at the front pouch of your house, waiting for you to be home but that wouldn’t work. I don’t need to reach you physically, I need to reach you emotionally,’ Krystal sighed.

‘I’m trying, Krystal, I’m really trying. I just don’t know how to answer those questions, like why am I so distant from everyone, why am I so quiet and so introverted ever since 6 months ago, why do I look so away when I’m there physically. I don’t need all those.’

‘Open your door.’

‘Open my door?’

‘Just do it.’

‘Give me a moment.’

‘No, bring your phone along with you. I’m sure it’s portable.’

‘Alright.’

Unlocking her door, Jessica sighed inaudibly. She knew what Krystal was up to.

But when she pulled open her door, she didn’t see anyone at all. All she was seeing now were stars spread across the black night sky, like glitters being splashed on a piece of black canvas paper.

‘What do you see?’ Krystal prompted.

‘Stars, a lot of stars. And a full moon,’ Jessica could feel herself smile for once after these 6 months, how the heaviness was lifted up for a moment and almost forgotten.

‘I feel you smiling,’ Krystal soften her voice.

‘I am. Thank you, Krystal,’ Jessica clutched onto her phone and feeling a sudden wave of emotions crashing inside of her.

‘Not yet. You know, you’re like one of them you’re seeing now. You make people smile, yet you’re only visible at night. People find you unique because you’re different. The barrier you’ve placed for everyone is like the distance between the stars and your out-stretched arm; so near yet so far.’

‘I guess so…’

‘I want to reach out to you and I want to have as minimum distance as possible. We all have barriers, even with the closest one; that’s our method of self-defence. You’re one of them in the black sky and I want to be one of the stars too. If not the moon,’ Krystal laughed. ‘It sounds cheesy but this is how I am feeling.’

‘I never knew you were so good with your words. You could be one of my stars,’ Jessica joked. ‘I want to thank you.’

‘Don’t lock your heart just because someone has injured you, someone named ‘Tiffany’.’

Hearing that name, Jessica could feel her blood running cold through her veins and freezing for a while, her heart stopped beating that violently for a moment. ‘How did you know?’

‘She apologized to me. But I didn’t call you as a spy. I called you as your sister because if you gave me the permission, I’ll make sure her face will end up with cuts and bruises.’

‘Don’t do that,’ Jessica warned. ‘Don’t hurt her.’ Like the way she’s hurt me.

‘I wouldn’t without your permission. I hope you’re feeling better now. Goodnight.’

//

‘Coffee for you?’ Kris offered.

‘No, thank you. I can’t handle caffeine that well,’ Jessica gave an apologetic smile.

‘It’s fine,’ he waved his hand dismissively.

Jessica thought it felt weird for her to be hanging around with a guy when she’s having her day off. She felt that she shouldn’t be doing something like that but then she realized that she was no longer attached; she didn’t have a girlfriend anymore.

‘You always look so away,’ Kris said flatly as he stirred his iced coffee with his straw.

‘Hmm? Sorry I was thinking about something,’ she scratched her head.

‘I know,’ he gave a lazy smile. ‘Are you missing someone?’

‘I… guess so? I don’t know how to put my feelings into words,’ the blonde sighed as she stared up at the sky. The white cotton candies floating on the light shaded sky blocked the bright Sun from shining directly onto her.

‘Hmm, it’s okay. You’re beginning to open up I guess,’ Kris cooed.

‘How do you know? I mean why are you always checking if I’m fine and all those?’ Jessica bent forward a little, looking into Kris’ eyes.

‘You remind me of my little sister,’ he gave a crooked grin. ‘She was like you, quiet and keeping things to herself. Not someone who says out how she feels unless people prompt her.’

‘So you feel that you have that obligation to look after me like what you did for your little sister?’ Jessica blinked twice.

‘No. I never had the chance to do such things to her anymore. She moved away and we lost contact,’ now it was his turn to look up the sky.

‘Hmm,’ Jessica nodded.

‘You’re not going to ask me what happened to us?’ he looked taken aback.

‘No. I believe you’ll tell me when you’re comfortable with sharing,’ she smiled as she took a sip of her iced water.

They sat by the shop for quite some time quietly, without talking much about life. They watched people walking past them, some wearing a gloomy face while some cursed silently as the wind messed up their nicely combed hair.

Jessica had forgotten when was the last time where she didn’t have anything on mind as she sat next to her friend while watching the invisible time slipping through her fingers. She always had something on her mind such as what should she prepare for Tiffany for dinner, how she should dress herself up so that Tiffany would love her even more.

‘You know,’ Jessica opened and her lips. ‘Sometimes, you feel that time is passing you by so quickly but your heart never let go of those past moments?’

‘Like you’re missing someone but you don’t want them back anymore.’

‘How did you know that?’

‘Because that’s what I am feeling nowadays.’

//

‘This is your house?’ he looked around, seeing vandalized walls that were looking kind of great.

It has been two weeks since they last hung out other than seeing each other at the work place.

‘Yeah,’ she rubbed her palm against her back of her head.

‘You should always do this,’ Kris walked towards her windows, drew open curtains and pushed her windows outwards.

Jessica blocked her eyes with her arms, shying away from the sunlight as if she was a vampire, afraid that the sunlight might burn her into ashes. She could see how her vandalized walls reflected the light rays and how the rays bounced off her marble floor.

The air felt fresher, not as dusty and damp as compared to before.

‘I know you don’t have a sister,’ Jessica said as she walked towards Kris and handed him a can of soda.

‘How did you know that?’ it felt as if Kris had stolen her line for some weird reason.

‘It was obvious from your body language and how quiet you went after you told me that,’ Jessica looked at her vandalized wall and for a moment, she did find that those walls looked like her own masterpiece.

‘She was my girlfriend. I told her that I wanted to come here to work and offered her to join me. But she said America was the place she wanted to stay and Korea isn’t,’ she could hear his long sigh.

‘And you guys broke up after that?’

‘I wished it was as clear cut as breaking up because she left me hanging there. She didn’t reply to my phone calls, text messages nor emails. I’d even sent her letters all the way there but she never replied to them anyways. It was as if I was an extra puzzle piece that needed to be thrown away if not, the puzzle would be weird.’

‘Me too,’ Jessica took a deep breath. Opening up to someone wasn’t easy for her.

‘You had a girlfriend too?’ Kris looked at her.

‘Yeah. It has been 203 days without her,’ she gave a thin smile. It was weird how she didn’t feel those pieces of her heart breaking anymore, maybe she’s healed.

‘I knew that you wasn’t straight,’ he joked.

‘Hmmm, I was never straight,’ she joined along.

The both shared a few minutes of good laugh before silence filled the air. Maybe they needed a good laugh that can empty their troubled heart, maybe their lungs needed to be filled with fresh, light air instead of those heavy molecules of sadness that floated around in their body.

//

She wasn’t an easy person to understand.

She would throw tantrum sometimes, hurling hurtful words at Jessica, making the blonde quiet and hurt for a few days. At first, Jessica really couldn’t stand how crazy Tiffany was.

Tiffany was the loud, out-going and funny type while Jessica was the soft-spoken, quiet and introvert type.

Just like how they first met each other at the coffee house, Tiffany shouted for her order across to the reception while Jessica frowned because she was rushing to complete her final essay for submission.

‘I saw you frowning at my action,’ Tiffany dropped herself opposite of where Jessica was.

‘You’re a nuisance,’ Jessica said, dead-panned.

‘I am one,’ Tiffany giggled, a little too loudly.

‘I would appreciate if you could shut up,’ the blonde glared.

‘Oh okay,’ Tiffany shrugged.

Not long after, Tiffany left her seat and Jessica could feel herself at ease. She needed to concentrate, to produce the best essay for her submission so she could graduate with pride. Then she can find a decent job with a good monthly pay cheque and never suffer from poverty anymore.

Jessica was concentrating so hard that she almost jumped when she felt the cold condensation from a glass cup pressed against her skin.

‘What do you exactly want?’ Jessica stared at the girl who was standing next to her now, grinning.

‘To treat you a drink so you wouldn’t be frowning at your screen,’ Tiffany answered, still having a stupid grin stretching across her face.

‘Okay,’ Jessica sighed as she accepted the drink. Her eyes lighted up as she tasted the juice. ‘Strawberry Banana?’

‘You know that drink?’ Tiffany blinked.

‘Why wouldn’t I? It’s my favourite,’ Jessica gave a light smile.

‘Really? Because I love that drink,’ Tiffany rested her chin on her palm as she looked at Jessica.

--

‘It tastes so good, Jessica!’ Tiffany was so happy that she was talking very loudly, again.

‘Hmm, I know,’ Jessica nodded. She wanted to hide herself away from those annoyed stares looking at the pair.

‘What are you working on?’ Tiffany spoke softly this time round. Maybe she was aware from those stares too.

‘My final project before I graduate from University,’ Jessica gave an exasperated look.

‘Okai,’ the former nodded, purposely changing the tone of ‘okay’ to ‘okai’ to make sure that Jessica knows that Tiffany understands.

--

Jessica fidgeted in front of her mirror. She didn’t look that good as compared to how she was previously dressed whenever she went to the coffee house.

Maybe it was because she wasn’t carrying her Macbook with her anymore. Her final exam was over. School was almost over too and Tiffany said she wanted to meet her at the coffee house today.

‘Maybe I should put on some lipstick,’ Jessica mumbled as she removed her lipstick cover and drew her lips.

‘Wow, hi,’ Tiffany blinked the moment she saw Jessica. The blonde was sparkling and shinning as she stood in front of Tiffany. She was wearing her V-neck shirt accompanied with a blue high-waist shorts, exposing her slim legs.

‘Hi,’ Jessica smiled as she gently pushed a lock of her blonde hair behind her ears.

Tiffany could feel her heart skipping a beat.

‘Wow, you gotta stop doing that,’ Tiffany gave a nervous laugh.

‘Doing what?’ Jessica’s eyes doubled itself.

‘Stop,’ Tiffany bent a little forward so she could whisper into Jessica’s ears. ‘Stop making my heart skipping a beat.’

Jessica choked as her face went crimson red. She never encountered somebody like Tiffany. Somebody so out-going, direct and making her own heart skipping a beat too.

‘You’re cute,’ Tiffany giggled.

‘You too,’ Jessica replied bashfully.

--

Jessica aimed her knife at 45 degrees as she sliced the tomatoes into cubes. She realized that cooking wasn’t an easy thing to do but since Tiffany said she likes eating home-cooked food, Jessica wouldn’t mind.

They have been together for four months and it’s funny how fast time passed by them. How they’ve met each other the first time was something that can never be forgotten by Jessica.

Who would ever offer you your favourite cup of drink the first day you met them?

Jessica believed that it is fate that brought them together.

‘Hmm,’ Tiffany hummed as she slipped her arms around Jessica’s waistband and gradually tucked her 4 fingers into her front pocket while both her thumbs were gently against Jessica’s waistband. ‘You’re cooking.’

Jessica nodded as her heart raced, pounding loudly against her ribcage. She could feel the warm blood flowing through her veins. This was how Tiffany did wonders to her heart.

‘Nervous,’ Tiffany teased as she rested her chin onto the latter’s shoulder. ‘Jessica is nervous.’

‘N-no,’ Jessica stuttered.

‘Okay,’ Tiffany chuckled.

‘Okay, stop,’ Jessica turned sideways to look at the brunette. ‘You’re supposed to slip your arms around my waist instead of tucking your hands inside my pocket.’

‘Like this?’ Tiffany played dumb by removing her hands and wrinkled her fingers in front of Jessica.

‘No, like this,’ the blonde grabbed her arms and wrapped it around her own waist.

‘Oh,’ Tiffany giggled as she tightened her back hug. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

--

‘What juice should I make?’ Tiffany shouted from the kitchen.

‘I don’t know,’ Jessica screamed back.

‘Hell,’ Tiffany grumbled. It’s weird how they just had their first quarrel after 2 years which was stupid because they were debating whether should they watch a horror movie. But the debate went out of hand because Tiffany uttered some vulgarities at Jessica saying that she was ing stupid for not being daring enough to watch a god damn horror movie.

‘Baby?’ Tiffany sat next to Jessica where the blonde didn’t respond.

‘I’m sorry?’ the brunette sighed.

‘No, you aren’t. You’re just afraid that no one’s going to be by your side if you were to say, break up with me. Admit it, Tiffany,’ Jessica looked away.

‘Maybe,’ she answered.

‘Great,’ Jessica stood up, ready to throw away whatever that is left over in her cup.

‘No no, don’t,’ Tiffany held her arm, thinking that Jessica was really going to break up with her. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t flare up at you out of nowhere.’

‘And don’t say you’re having PMS because your period was over last week,’ Jessica stopped moving.

‘The stress is building up. My work just keeps piling up, I don’t know how to handle them. I’m just…’ Tiffany bit her lips. ‘I’m just stressed.’

‘So you’ll just keep hurling hurtful words at me whenever you’re stressed? That’s worse than domestic abuse,’ the blonde stared right into Tiffany’s eyes. She wished she could see Tiffany’s love for her but no… she saw something else.

Something that… she didn’t know how to explain yet.

‘I… I wouldn’t anymore. I’ll try my best not to,’ Tiffany hung her head low, tears filling her eyes.

‘You said that during our first quarrel. But you didn’t. How many times have we quarrelled in these 2 years because of your attitude? Countless times, Tiffany. Countless.’

‘Please, just give me another chance? I promise not to do anything stupid anymore. Not anymore,’ Tiffany sighed as she pulled Jessica closer by her waist. ‘Not anymore.’

--

‘Jessi, I finally got our favourite!’ Tiffany eyes sparkled as she brought the drinks closer.

Strawberry banana.

‘Hmm, my favourite!’ Jessica snatched the cup, sipping the drink.

‘Jessinana,’ Tiffany giggled.

‘What was that?’ Jessica grimaced.

‘I called you Jessi-nana,’ Tiffany stuck her tongue out at the blonde.

‘Why is that so?’ Jessica stuck her lower lips out, brows arching.

‘Since we both love Strawberry Banana, I’m naming myself as Tiffberry and you as ‘Jessinana’,’ Tiffany laughed as Jessica’s brows knitted even closer together.

‘Okay Tiffberry, what a nice name you’ve got there. Unlike my name, Jessinana,’ the blonde pouted.

‘Or do you want yourself to be named as ‘BaSica’?’ Tiffany joked.

‘What the heck, Tiffany!’ the blonde slapped her in the arms.

‘Okay, okay, Jessinana!’

And Jessica secretly wished that moments like this would last forever. A day without arguing is always better.

--

‘I’m home,’ the brunette kicked her shoes off and flicked on the lights.

‘Baby?’ Tiffany squatted down to look at Jessica. The blonde was waiting for her to be back home till late at night. She brushed her hair to wipe off those stray strands of her hair covering her beautiful face, Tiffany haven’t been seeing Jessica that much nowadays.

Placing her lips on her forehead, Tiffany whispered ‘I’m so, so sorry.’

‘Tiff?’ Jessica rubbed her eyes grumpily.

‘Hi beautiful,’ Tiffany gave a smile before she looked away, her eyes watery.

‘Hi,’ the blonde smiled sleepily. She has been waiting for Tiffany till late at night for these few weeks. Tiffany said she was really, really busy and Jessica didn’t want to add on to the already very stressed girl. So all she did was to wait.

But what she didn’t know was waiting for two hours could turn to 12 hours, then 24 hours and gradually, waiting for days and weeks.

‘We should go to bed,’ Tiffany scooped Jessica up in her arms and laid the girl down gently. Maybe, maybe she was already aware of the damage she has been causing to Jessica.

-

Jessica thought she would wake up without anyone next to her anymore, like how her normal mornings have been nowadays.

She was shocked when she saw a face staring at her, whispering ‘Good morning’ to her.

‘Oh, Tiff?’ Jessica rubbed her eyes to ensure that she wasn’t fooling herself.

‘Hi,’ the brunette smiled as she brushed Jessica’s bangs that was blocking Tiffany from her beautiful eyes.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’ the latter’s eyes widened. ‘Gosh, you’re late!’

‘Hmmm,’ Tiffany hummed. She loved seeing how Jessica would freak out and then, only Tiffany, only her, could calm Jessica down in seconds.

‘What hmm? Get up!’ the blonde stood in front of Tiffany, grabbed her arms, attempting to pull her up.

‘But I’m lazyyy,’ Tiffany replied, faking sad.

‘No, get used to it. Work is important, remember?’ Jessica explained while still holding onto Tiffany’s arms.

‘Pull me up then,’ Tiffany sighed.

‘Oh-’ Jessica pulled but Tiffany seemed to weigh a lot out of sudden. ‘Kay.’

Now Tiffany was standing so near to Jessica, the latter could hear hard Tiffany was breathing. She could look into those brown orbs that mesmerized her the very first time when she looked into them; she could see those little freckles on Tiffany’s cheeks; how her face became so much sharper as compared to last time.

And her neck, even with Tiffany wearing a white collar shirt, there was a mark that she was trying to hide.

Oh…  No wonder Tiffany looks brighter than usual, more tired at night and …

No wonder she apologized so much.

Careless; Tiffany has been really careless.

‘Sorry,’ Tiffany muttered as she pulled Jessica closer. Rather than hugging, it was as if Tiffany was clinging onto Jessica for her life. ‘I miss you so much. So, so much. That’s why I took a day off to spend it with you today.’

‘You have been busy,’ the blonde rubbed her back. ‘I understand.’

--

They spent their morning cooking, eating and scrubbing those used utensils.

Feeling slightly tired, Tiffany pulled Jessica by her hand to settle down on the couch.

‘Jessie Jessie,’ Tiffany muttered as she laid on the blonde’s lap and stared at her with her big, brown eyes.

‘Yes, Tiff?’ she looked at Tiffany with a small smile, touching her soft, maroon brown hair.

‘I miss you,’ Tiffany bit her lips as if she said something she shouldn’t be saying.

‘Me too. I miss you so much,’ Jessica bent down a little, looking into those brown orbs again. She was searching for something…

Something called ‘Love’.

‘I’m sorry that I came home so late every night. Work has been so busy and I barely have time for having my meals,’ the brunette took Jessica’s right palm that has been resting on her stomach.

Tracing those blue veins on her back of her palm with her fingers, Tiffany was hoping to ignite those sparks of love they used to share in their relationship again; Jessica sighed inaudibly; it was all this little tracing at the back of her hand that made her fell deeper in love with Tiffany.

It’s funny how the same gesture could bring about such different reactions after some time again.

How those gestures we used to express our love became those same gestures that we used to try to bring us back into love again.

--

There was this, once and final time they had this talk that ended everything Jessica was fighting for three years.

It was 2 am in the morning when the door opened and those clicking of heels against the marble floor could be heard.

Jessica took a sharp breath, preparing for something she has been waiting for months.

She has to do it, she needed to.

‘Jessi?’ Tiffany stopped as she saw that Jessica was awake. ‘Why aren’t you asleep yet?’

‘Can you come here for a moment?’ Jessica spoke softly, almost afraid that speaking too loud would break her own heart.

‘Sure,’ Tiffany kneeled in front of her.

‘How are you?’ Jessica cupped her face. She saw how worn out Tiffany was, how her mascara had already faded off, how cold her face felt against her warm palm.

His car’s air-condition must be really strong.

‘Jessi, are you okay?’ Tiffany held onto Jessica’s arms, still kneeling on the ground.

‘Yup, get up. I have something to tell you,’ the blonde said gently.

‘But Jess, it’s 2 am in the morning and I have-‘

‘Tiffany, it’s something important.’

‘Okay,’ Tiffany sighed.

‘Can you teach me how to fix a broken heart?’ Jessica spoke slowly.

‘Jess, are you okay?’ Tiffany placed her palm against Jessica’s forehead.

‘I don’t have a fever,’ the blonde laughed. Because Tiffany scooted closer to her, she could notice how those buttons on her shirt were buttoned wrongly.

‘You’ve been careless,’ Jessica laughed louder this time round as she pulled Tiffany up and began to her shirt.

There she stood, black bra on with her white shirt ed. Jessica moved closer.

‘Your shirt, you didn’t have the time to button them correctly; they were done hastily. Those marks on your soft, milky skin,’ the blonde shook her head, ‘you forgot to hide them properly.’

Tiffany hung her head down in guilt. She thought Jessica wouldn’t realize but she did anyways. ‘Jessi, I-‘

‘You’re sorry? You didn’t mean it? You thought you would stop?’ Jessica tilted Tiffany’s chin up so she could look at her.

‘Yes,’ those tears rolled down her cheeks effortlessly, damaging such a beautiful face.

‘I thought so too. So I gave you time, hoping you’d stop doing whatever you’re doing. So many chances that I’ve given you, you never truly made use of them,’ her eyes were burning.

‘So many times, I’ve looked into your eyes, hoping to find a slight sense of guilt or love, but there was nothing inside those eyes of yours. They look so hollow and out of place. You only looked so tired, for god knows what you’d done before coming back home.’

‘Jessica… I really love you. I just… got lost for a while,’ Tiffany held onto her arms, not letting go. For fear that once she let go of those arms, she’ll never get the chance to even touch them anymore.

‘I was so afraid that you’re so lost so I ended up waiting for you at home. I hoped that home is the place you could come back to eventually and realize this is, your ultimate home, not that man’s house. But I guess, you’re too lost that you got blinded. You lost your sense of direction,’ Jessica weakly pushed her hand through her hair.

‘Jessi, I just…’ Tiffany stopped, realizing that no matter what she say, Jessica will never be with her anymore.

‘Sorry,’ Jessica’s voice croaked. ‘I should have stopped you because I thought, maybe you needed this little affair to relieve your stress. Sometimes when you look at the same person every day, you’ll get bored, so you needed something else different so you wouldn’t find the same person boring.’

‘But then I realized, true love isn’t constantly refreshing your own image to ensure that the person you love, will never get bored of you. True love is, loving the same person no matter how boring he/ she gets. It is making that boring person come alive, bringing light and fire into her eyes instead of trying to find for those elements of sparks that never once existed in them.’

‘So, don’t cry anymore. It’ll make you ugly,’ Jessica took a step nearer, cupped Tiffany’s face and gently wiped her thumbs over those eyes b with tears.

Pulling her closer, she gently pressed her lips against her forehead. ‘Sorry, I’m not the one who can give you happiness. Go find someone who you wouldn’t get bored of.’

‘No, don’t. Don’t kick me away. Don’t push me out of your life,’ Tiffany hugged Jessica by her waist, begging.

‘I can’t. Tiffany, you can’t be selfish anymore. You can’t play with two hearts at one goal,’ Jessica slowly buttoned Tiffany’s shirt. It’ll be the last time she’ll get to touch a shirt tainted with someone else’s perfume.

‘Jessica, I-‘

‘Get out.’

--

Jessica allowed the door to close shut before she finally got out of the bathroom. Slowly, she walked towards the closed door, slipping down against the door, she could still hear Tiffany’s soft sobbing.

She could hear her own heart being smashed, those little pieces dropping on the ground. She wondered for how long will she be able to mend those broken pieces back.

Sometimes you have to let someone who hurts you go. Sometimes you have to be selfish for once.

//

‘I’m here to introduce you to a new friend,’ Kris smiled as Jessica opened her door.

It’s been a good two months knowing Kris. Jessica could feel herself feeling at ease when this tall guy dropped by and said ‘hi’. She forgotten how fun and relaxing it’ll be when her friends (technically, she only has Kris to talk to because he is her first real friend after so long) are around her.

‘Hi, my name is Sunny!’ The shorter girl stretched her arms out.

‘Hi,’ Jessica slapped her palms.

‘Hey!! That’s rude!’ Sunny joked. ‘Am I allowed to come in?’

‘How will you feel if I said no?’

‘Sad. Definitely, devastated.’

‘Right,’ Jessica smiled, showing her two rows of straight teeth. ‘Get in.’

The trio spent their day fighting over which movie they should watch. Sunny loved horror because she finds them ‘thrilling’ and ‘intriguing’ while Jessica rolled her eyes upon hearing that. Kris shrugged, saying anything is fine for him when he is truly amazed by how these 2 girls are bickering.

In the end, Jessica decided that they should watch a horror-comedy since the blonde herself wanted to catch a comedy show too.

‘Oh my, god. The ghost is gonna appear soon. Jessica help!’ Sunny hid behind of Jessica’s shoulders.

‘Dude, seriously, you said you liked horror movie!’ Jessica couldn’t stop laughing.

‘No, , I love horror but,’ Sunny covered her face with her hands. ‘What kind of horror is this! It’s too scary!’

‘No, it’s not!’ Jessica pulled Sunny’s hands away from her face, earning a slap on her arm.

‘Aye, that was rude,’ the blonde pouted.

‘I’m done with this movie!’ Sunny stood up, flapping her arms up and down.

‘Okay okay. Kris, pause the show. We’ll go out to get some fresh air,’ Jessica shook her head at how easily her sentence brought a smile upon Sunny’s face.

--

‘Hi,’ Sunny waved enthusiastically when Jessica pulled open her door.

‘Oh, hey there,’ Jessica greeted with her messy bed hair. ‘Sorry, I don’t look good.’

‘Can I come in?’ Sunny peered her head into Jessica’s apartment.

‘Sure, why not?’ Jessica took a step towards her left.

‘You look good,’ Sunny hummed as she walked towards the leather couch.

‘Hmm, you do too,’ the blonde approached her, soda in her hand.

‘Sorry, I shouldn’t utter those nonsense to you that day. I mean you trusted us enough to be telling us about your past and I said something so insensitive,’ Sunny scratched her head. ‘I’m really sorry.’

‘Hey,’ the blonde squatted down to face the shorter girl, ‘you didn’t do anything wrong. What you said was correct. I just didn’t know how to reply because you laid the facts so flatly, it’s a little difficult to find the right words to say back to you.’

‘I thought you were angry with me because you didn’t contact me for 2 weeks,’ she said, hanging her head low.

‘No, I wasn’t crossed with you. Funny thing is, I thought you were angry with me too,’ Jessica smiled gently. ‘Come on, stop pouting.’

‘Okay,’ Sunny looked up, giving a shy smile because Jessica’s face was just inches away from hers.

‘You’re really silly, you know,’ Jessica patted her head lightly.

Sunny wished that she could be silly for real because she wanted Jessica to be patting her head every time she gets the chance.

--

Three days after their first meet up, the trio met up yet again. It was an impromptu meet up because Sunny dragged Jessica down to their local café out of sudden with Kris already seated there.

‘She suggested to have this meet up,’ Kris said as Jessica approached.

‘Oh?’ Jessica glanced towards Sunny who stuck her tongue at the former.

‘Come on, Jessica. I wanted to know more about you so… you know,’ Sunny rubbed the back of her head with a cheeky smile.

‘Okay then,’ Jessica shrugged. She needed a day out too, she couldn’t afford to have a boring life anymore when she already have new friends. She knew something like that will happen; all these impromptu meet ups, those silly jokes they’ll create and how they will give passing comments about people who walked past them.

‘I decided that Jessica should know more about me,’ Kris spoke while Sunny nodded.

‘Oh, okay. That’s not a problem,’ the blonde gave an encouraging smile.

‘I wasn’t the one who gave in to the relationship, she was the one. I… demanded for too much. Wanted her to accommodate to my schedule, wanted her to give up her personal time for me when I couldn’t. Showed her attitude when she couldn’t do anything I requested, demanded. And, I wanted her to come to Korea with me. But I guess that was the last straw because eventually she gave me up, gave our relationship up,’ Kris breathed out slowly.

‘But you see, I’d expected that to come in an unexpected way. I know someday, she’ll give up on me for I’m such a selfish person. I didn’t know how to love yet I expect someone to love me when I don’t even know where or how to start. I really wanted to learn how to love, but when she keeps giving into my demand, I feel that love.’

‘But that’s not love, it’s just unlimited attention given to you,’ Kris could see that flash of hurt across Jessica’s face.

‘I know. That’s why I’m a selfish person. I love attention, who doesn’t? I was so used to her giving me her all when I could barely give her a piece of my heart. I guessed she knew that because in the end, she gave up on me. She really deserves someone better, even though I wished I was that someone.’

‘Funny thing is, people always realize what they had after they lost it,’ Jessica could feel that hurt resurfacing. It was as if it was knocking on her heart’s door, saying a ‘hello’.

‘Jessica, I’m saying that I love her even when I can’t. I can’t say ‘I love you’ to her because I haven’t proved to her at all. All I did was to show her that she should give up on me, that I’m no longer worthy of her attention and that I’m the one who is blessed to have her instead,’ he bit his lips, pushing that invisible lump down his throat.

‘If someone like that comes back into your life, given that she doesn’t know how to love previously too, please give her at least a chance,’ Kris reached out for Jessica’s hand, knowing that that was what she needed to hear.

‘But I can’t… I can’t allow her back to hurt me anymore,’ she could feel her eyes getting teary.

‘That’s selfish of you,’ Sunny said, deadpan.

‘What do you mean?’ the pair answered back.

‘It’s selfish of you, Kris, to have your hopes on Jessica’s ex-girlfriend. To hope that Jess will accept her back just because you think someone of the same as you should be given a chance. And Jessica is plainly stupid. For keeping someone who hurts her so long when she could always feel that pain driving into her heart mercilessly.’ If there was something Sunny is really good at, it’d be her being so blunt and direct to the point.

‘Wow, that was just, wow,’ Jessica held her hands up.

‘Jessi, I don’t mean to be mean but just, you should already expect that the moment when you feel that pang of hurt hitting against your chest’ Sunny tried to explain but failed.

‘Just excuse me for a moment,’ Jessica stood up and walked towards the end of the street and never returned at all.

‘You got her crossed,’ Kris sighed.

‘Yeah I guess so,’ Sunny grimaced.

On her way home that afternoon, Jessica thought about what Kris had said.

I didn’t know how to love yet I expect someone to love me when I don’t even know where or how to start.

What if Tiffany didn’t know how to love? What if Tiffany was as lost as Kris was? What if she thought that Jessica was her saviour who will never give up on her even when she made the dumbest mistake on Earth that shall not be forgiven?

What if all Tiffany wanted to learn is to love someone unconditionally?

//

Jessica wiped her display table clean, it was another working day with Kris. The pair had a target that they would love to reach by the end of the day.

Since it was a Saturday, the mall is bound to have groups and groups of shoppers and tourists. While Kris was serving his customer who seemed to be very difficult because he requested to test 5 pens at a goal but still couldn’t make up his mind.

‘Hmm, this pen seems good. What do you think, honey?’ Jessica was busy packing her pens while her customers approached her.

‘Seems classy,’ the female responded.

‘Good Morning,’ Jessica greeted cheerfully before the colours of her face got drained away.

‘Jessi?’ the lady in front of her appeared to be shock but the next moment, her two crescents looked back at Jessica.

‘Hey,’ Jessica forced a smile onto her face even though she could feel her blood running cold, her knees about to give in anytime soon.

‘You guys know each other?’ the male customer gave an amused smile.

‘Yeah, she’s my,’ Tiffany looked at Jessica. ‘Best friend for three years.’

‘She still is, isn’t she?’ the guy had this charismatic smile that will mesmerize all the girls in town. Maybe he could if Jessica was 5 years younger.

‘Of course,’ Tiffany looked into Jessica’s eyes, hoping to find a recognition that says that she is still important to her.

‘Yeah sure,’ Jessica nodded.

‘Anything I can get for you, Mike?’ Jessica said the last name unsurely.

‘You know my name?’ Mike’s eyes lit up.

‘Definitely, Tiffany has mentioned a lot about you to me previously.’ If there was something Jessica could do better now, it’d be how cheerful she’s been acting for the past five minutes.

‘You know what girls, I’ll leave you guys alone while I go shop around for something else. I’ll pick you up in say, 2 hours later?’ Mike asked as he planted a gentle kiss on her cheek.

Jessica thought she’d healed but no, she could feel those pieces falling towards the ground again.

‘Jessi, I just, wow. Look at you, all good and nice,’ Tiffany shook her head as her face broke into a genuine smile. ‘I’m so glad to meet you again.’

‘But I’m not,’ Jessica pretended to be busy as she pulled out more pens. For who to see, she didn’t know. All she knew was that she’d to be busy, or at least pretend to be.

‘This is my number,’ Tiffany scribbled against a piece of paper and slide it across the table to the blonde. ‘Please don’t lose it anymore.’

‘Tiffany,’ Jessica hissed. ‘Look, you have your own life. Don’t be selfish, remember?’

‘No, and yes,’ Tiffany tried to reach out for her hands but Jessica pulled it back just in time.

‘Jessica, I’ll take care of the customers. You can go take a break,’ Kris nodded.

‘Right,’ Jessica stomped out of her counter with Tiffany pulled her back.

‘I’ll bring you to somewhere quiet where we can talk?’ Tiffany pleaded.

‘Ten minutes is all you’ve got,’ the blonde replied sternly. ‘You’re left with 9 minutes and 40 seconds.’

--

‘Look, Jessica, I don’t have my own life. I’m still missing you every day. For the past 6 months, I’ve been trying to contact you but you’ve got your number changed and our friends, they refuse to give it to me,’ Tiffany held Jessica in place to talk to her.

‘God, stop. Just stop it, Tiffany. Stop,’ Jessica gritted her teeth. ‘I don’t wanna know about your life.’ Even when she’s dying to.

‘But I’m dying to. Jessica. Jessica, I wanna know how you are doing. You can’t just cut me off your life out of sudden and just leave me hanging here, alone,’ Tiffany looked at Jessica, hurt and lost evident in her eyes. She wanted Jessica to take her back, she needed her to.

‘I remember myself telling you not to be selfish. You’re not alone, Tiffany. Mike, he is still here for you,’ the blonde resisted to touch Tiffany, afraid that once she touch Tiffany, she wouldn’t be able to deal with the emptiness when Tiffany leaves again.

‘I guess so. But please, please just let me talk to you. Please don’t cut me out of your life anymore,’ Tiffany begged.

‘Okay, okay,’ Jessica gave in and they stood, with this small distance in between. They both knew that they wanted to hug one another, but maybe, it’s not the time yet.

//

Who ever knew that someone back from your past, could hurt you so deeply?

//

‘How are you doing?’ Tiffany asked with a small smile as she visited Jessica at her work place, her hand holding some pastries.

‘I’m great. Don’t you have work today?’ Jessica checked her watch. It has been a week since she last saw Tiffany, not that she counted, but it’s just, the date where they last met, somehow got imprinted on her brain.

‘I ended work early,’ Tiffany responded. Funny how she never did that when they were both attached.

‘Oh,’ Jessica answered, unsure what to say.

‘Will you be able to go home earlier today? If not, I’ll just hang around till you’re done with work,’ the brunette suggested, still smiling.

‘I guess you’ll have to wait. I have stocks to check,’ the blonde replied with a stiff smile.

‘Sure,’ Tiffany answered and nodded towards Kris before she left.

‘Giving her a hard time?’ Kris poked Jessica in the arm.

‘I don’t know. I don’t feel as if I’m okay with this again,’ Jessica let out a long breathe, she could feel herself relax again.

‘It takes time,’ he gave a light squeeze on her shoulders.

--

‘Hey,’ she gave her a warm smile when she finally saw her.

‘Hi,’ the blonde walked awkwardly, afraid that she’ll get too near to Tiffany again.

‘Legs aching?’ Tiffany asked as she managed to walk next to Jessica.

‘Yeah, tired from standing 8 hours per day,’ the blonde massaged her own neck.

The silence was deafening, it enveloped them.

‘Can I walk you home?’ Tiffany asked.

‘Yeah, why not?’

--

‘So here we are,’ Jessica mumbled as she stood in front of her door.

‘Here you are, home and safe,’ Tiffany answered with a gentle smile. Jessica didn’t move, neither did the brunette. They just stood there, quietly.

For all the times when they dated, they will always be rushing to fish out their keys just to collapse on the sofa together. Sometimes Tiffany will just lie lazily on the couch and not move at all, waiting for Jessica to pull and drag her to the bathroom.

‘Go in, it’s getting late,’ the brunette urged. ‘I’ll be fine, I’ll go home safely.’ She answered, as if knowing Jessica’s worries.

‘Okay, thank you for sending me home.’

Jessica could feel her heart drop when she finally close the door. Hell, she should have invited Tiffany in, the girl had the same look of lost just like the day when Jessica asked her to move out.

She went straight into the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of warm water with trembling hands.

‘Breathe,’ Jessica muttered as her hands trembled to bring the cup to her quivering lips.

‘Inhale,’ she took a small breathe. ‘Exhale.’

She did that repeated action for 5 minutes yet her heart isn’t calmed yet. Could it be because of Tiffany?

Jessica was afraid that Tiffany would wander outside like all the times she did after they broke up. Tiffany was always wandering around Jessica’s neighbourhood, hoping to catch an eye of the blonde.

‘If I open the door and she’s still out there, I’ll ask her in,’ Jessica told herself as she walked towards the door.

 

Pulling the door midway open, she urged herself to breathe again. When the door is fully open and she saw a lady with brown coat starring back at her again with mascara rolling down her cheek, Jessica pulled her in.

‘Sorry,’ Tiffany sobbed uncontrollable as Jessica placed a mug in front of her.

‘What happened?’ Jessica sighed as she stood nearer to Tiffany, placing her hand on her lap.

‘I called off the wedding,’ Tiffany rubbed her eyes with her arms.

‘You called off the wedding with Mike?’ Jessica’s eyes doubled its’ size.

‘He doesn’t love me, Jessica. And I don’t too. We’re just together because we’re two lonely people who needs some emotional support,’ Tiffany exhaled softly. ‘I have been trying to tell you since the day I met you at your work place, but it was so difficult.’

‘There’s nothing I can do for you,’ Jessica replied sadly. ‘We’re already done with one another since 9 months ago.’

‘But I’m not- I’m not done with you yet,’ the brunette looked at Jessica, holding her hand tight.

‘Neither am I. But that’s just it. I miss you. God, Tiffany, I miss you so damn much,’ Jessica threw her hands up in exasperation. ‘I miss when you will look into my eyes with so much love and hope; I miss when you’ll playfully slip your hands into my side pocket to trick me to remind that you should be back-hugging me instead; I miss that strawberry banana nickname you gave both of us. I miss so many, many things about you. But that doesn’t mean I’ll have to take you back.’

‘I know,’ Tiffany pushed a smile. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bothering you. I’m blocking your way of moving on.’

‘I’m so selfish, I just… I’m sorry. I just miss you so much. Every time I get to see you, I just miss you so much, I want to keep going back to you forgetting that you needed to move on too,’ she looked down, fiddled with her toes.

‘I should really get going. I’m sorry that I bothered you,’ she stood up, taking one last look of Jessica’s house before she moved her feet.

‘Tiffany,’ Jessica called out quietly. ‘You can stay if you want to.’

‘Really?’ her eyes sparkled, hope igniting in them.

‘Yes,’ Jessica nodded. She wanted to slap herself for being so naïve. For wasting her own time, trying to get over someone who she will never get over with.

‘Thank you,’ Tiffany hugged her from the back, caressing her thumb over those blue veins again. ‘I miss you, so so much.’

They stood like this for – Jessica didn’t know how long it was, she just felt that time was passing so slowly-. If time could be frozen, Jessica wished it was this moment where she could feel Tiffany’s heartbeat at her back, how her own blood was flowing warmly through her veins, heart and mind.

Jessica turned around, still in Tiffany’s arms. ‘Don’t cry anymore, it damages your beautiful face,’ she cupped her face.

Tiffany nodded, more tears rolling down her cheeks.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to love previously. All I did was to hurt you over and over again,’ Tiffany focused her eyes on the carpet, too ashamed to look up.

‘And it’ll hurt me even more to see you getting damaged, lost and terrified for every single second of your life,’ Jessica pushed a lock of brown hair behind Tiffany’s ear.

‘I think I’ll be more damaged if I were to go on without you anymore. Can you, please forgive me?’ Jessica could feel the air getting caught in her lungs.

‘I’m sorry, I’m asking for too much, I ju-‘

‘It’s okay. You were just… lost. I’m glad your heart find it’s own home again,’ Jessica gave a soft smile.

//

Sunny dropped that bunch of flowers into the bin after waiting outside of Jessica’s door for an hour that night.

She knew from Kris that Tiffany had sent Jessica home that night and she thought that if Tiffany were to leave that door that night, she’ll confess to Jessica.

Maybe not.

Maybe some people were never meant to leave your life at all.

//

a/n : I’M BACK. I’m sorry but I’ve decided to miss out the word count for it’s really too long.

I hope you guys like this story. It’s something really different as compared to all my previous one shot. When you get your own emotions involved, it feels somehow, easier yet more heart-breaking to be writing a related topic.

I portrayed Jessica as someone who wants to get over Tiffany, her ex-lover, who never knew how to love and take good care of her from the start. Some of you might think that the ending should be Tiffany not deserving Jessica at all, for my case, I want a happy ending, for this story at least.

Hoping to keep in touch with my readers at Twitter :D

Special thanks to @/Taengstagram, Ann, for this story. She has been hearing a lot from me and I thought she deserved this fanfic for me. So, here it is, an one-shot dedicated to her (: