That time, you felt you just died. Your tears even gave up on falling down from your eyes. Like everything in you is so exhausted, exhausted of the same thing that is happening to you. Exhausted of the same thing they are feeling each and everyday.

Tired. So tired.

It’s been half an hour. You’re still here inside your room, thinking of what will happen again next day. Thinking of what you will do. Thinking of holding on, or giving up.
Earlier, SeungRi knocked on the door, telling you that he’d be leaving. You just didn’t answer, that you didn’t want to be disturbed by anything, or anyone at all. Footsteps going away from the door were then heard. He already left, since he’s needed again in the agency.

You’re now sitting at the side of your bed, looking at everything that was scattered on the floor. Crumpled papers, a half-opened dictionary. You forgot to fix your things earlier before you left with SeungRi and TaeYang.

You stood up, and decided to clean your room, by starting to pick up pieces of crumpled papers, the papers filled with everything, everything you are feeling about him.

You picked each one, placing them on a another trash bin you are holding.

Something felt so different while doing this.

You feel you’re not just throwing a crumpled paper, but you’re throwing a crumpled memories. Crumpled moments, crumpled feelings. You feel every piece of paper that falls inside the bin, is a memory from the past that you’ve treasured, is a feeling you’ve been keeping and holding until now, is a person you’ve always loved that you’re now throwing away, crumpled, a trash you wanted to let go.

A trash you held, and now you’re throwing it all away.

You then went to your study area, and fixed everything that was scattered. From your pen holder, to those pocket books you’ve been keeping. Until something caught your attention.

A mini-calendar is placed on top of your table, lying down like it was just thrown in there; you then picked it up, and noticed something

“April 26”, you whispered, as your other hand touches that marked date in the calendar.

Yes, April 26.

100 days from now, everything will end. Every chance you have will disappear. By that time, both of your hands will slip away, and will never hold it again. For it is already gone. Gone forever.

100 days, it’s long enough, you thought.

But right now you have decided.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
3 Days later…

For the past days, you chose not to meet or see anyone from them, even SeungRi. You stayed at your house, preparing yourself for what will happen next. Getting yourself ready, for you will face reality again.

And now, you are standing up, like nothing happened.

You went to the agency, surprising everyone since they haven’t heard anything from you. SeungRi kept on going to your house, thinking he would see you, but you didn’t show up. TaeYang, who was also worried, send you messages every hour, even called you every now and then, but you didn’t answer any of it.

As you enter the building you passed by one of the staffs right away. You then asked where they are, and he asked you to go to the second floor, at the recording studio to be exact, since they were preparing their new songs for their album.

You went up, carrying a bag filled with cooked food you prepared for them. Since, it’s almost lunch time, and yes they like what you cook for them very much.

You then stopped and stood in front at a brown door, with a readable sign placed on it.

“Recording Studio”

You walked closer, and heard SeungRi and DaeSung’s loud laughs, making you smile since you missed them so much.

You took a deep breath, and held the door knob, turning it slightly, and pushed the door carefully.

“Hello everyone~”, you said, smiling. Smiling so brightly, like nothing happened to you on the past few days.

You saw SeungRi and DaeSung sitting on the couch as they were giggling like kids, T.O.P was sitting next to JiYong, facing the computer connected to the banks of synthesizers and a sound equalizer. They didn’t notice you right away, especially JiYong who was wearing earphones at that time.
As for TaeYang, he was sitting next to the door, holding his phone thinking you’d be calling him.

“Ah~________________~…”, DaeSung shouted, as he ran towards you, embracing you so tight.
“…I miss you~. I really miss you.”, he continued, as he stops from embracing you. Now facing you, holding you in your shoulders.

A hand then appears from nowhere, holding DaeSung’s hands, taking it away from your shoulders.

“Ya~ Stop that, you’re hurting her.”, SeungRi said, glaring at DaeSung. He said that, even though you’re not really hurt at what DaeSung was doing.

SeungRi then stares at you with that smile from his face, as he held DaeSung’s hands preventing it in going near you.

“_________________, what happened to you? Are you okay?”, he asked, taking away his hand from DaeSung, as he slowly moved his way in front of DaeSung, now facing you.
“Yes ______________, what happened to you? We haven’t heard anything from you this past few days.”, T.O.P asked, as he comes out from nowhere. He walked towards you, as SeungRi’s hand stopped him from getting near you.

“I’m okay, I’m okay. I just went through some time on my own. That’s why I was gone for a while. Sorry if I made you so worried.”, you said, looking at them.

“Don’t say your apology to us, say it to the man sitting next to the door.”, JiYong said as he was sitting near the computer, but now facing all of you.. His hand points out at TaeYang, who was sitting just next where you are standing.

You look at him while he looks at you too. You see his eyes, telling you how much he is worried of you not answering any of his calls and messages. You look down and saw his hand holding his phone as it flashes a picture.

A picture of you.

You looked at him while your eyes reflect the sorrow you have within. The sorrow you’re still keeping.

You gave him a slight and cold smile, as you tap his shoulder. Giving him a sign, that he had nothing to worry, and he doesn’t have to.

“Please, don’t do that again. It almost killed me.”, he said in a low voice.

Yes, it almost killed him. But loving him, killed you already. Killed you a lot of times, stabbing your heart non-stop.

You didn’t say anything, and looked away. Smiling at DaeSung,SeungRi, and T.O.P who was standing in front of you.

“Let’s eat now! I bought you some food.”, you said with a smile on your face, as you raise the bag you are carrying, full of cooked food. You look at them with bright aura, smiling at them except for TaeYang.

You moved near the table placing the bag over it. Everyone then gathered around the table, as they waited with excitement. Since they always like what you prepare for them.

“Ah~ ___________________, it’s not yet opened but it smells so good.”, DaeSung said, as it leans closer to the bag , ping it.
“Go on, open it. It’s all yours”, you said, smiling at DaeSung.

The moment the bag was open, their hands started to grab this warm and big bowls, covered with foil. DaeSung’s hand also held a big-squared plate, placing it down on the table.

They opened their bowls, and saw a nicely cooked Bibimbap you made. The big-squared plate is filled with deliciously cooked Bulgogi, as Kimchi was placed on its side.

“Omo. It’s still warm.”,JiYong said in excitement, as he held the side of the squared plate, since he wanted to find out if the food is really freshly cooked.
“And delicious too.”, SeungRi said, as he took a piece of bulgogi, and munches it right away.
“I’m hungry. Let’s just eat.”, T.O.P said, as his hand then raises the chopsticks he’s holding, and picked some of the thin slices of meat, and ate.

Everyone then followed, and they ate right away. It seems they had started the day so early, and ended up doing so many things that eating is their only way to feel relaxed.

But then, DaeSung stops, as he signals everyone to stop eating as well.

“_____________, how come you only prepared four? We are five, right? Are you…”, he asked, looking at you in confusion.

SeungRi who was next to him, taps him in the back. Telling him not to continue what he wanted to say.

You look back, and saw TaeYang staring at you. He looks so deep into your eyes, like asking you what’s happening to you, why are you doing this.

And why do I feel I’m hurt right now.

“Oh. I really intended not to prepare food for Taeyang. Since I know, JiEun will be here in any minute to bring him his food. Besides, I remembered instances wherein I would bring lunch for all of you, but TaeYang will insist that he already ate or he would tell me JiEun would come to bring him his lunch or they would go out for lunch
somewhere. I recalled those foods I prepared, no one ate them that I had to throw it away or take it with me back at the restaurant. It all went to waste.”, you said, with a frustrated expression in your face. You have just told them the truth, one thing you’ve been keeping, one thing you’ve been feeling.

Everyone became so quiet, so surprised of what you said. SeungRi, who was even eating that time you were talking then stopped, holding the chopsticks near his mouth.

They are all having the same thing in mind. Since they are witnesses of these instances you just recalled. They know what you mean, and they had felt the same thing as well.

You looked at them in shock, in confusion. The expression in their faces, even though they agreed, convey questions like what’s happening, is there something wrong between the two of you. Because even in the beginning, TaeYang is one of your priorities, one person you can and never will forget. They know it.

But what happened right now?

You looked back at TaeYang, still with that same expression in your face. He was left speechless, since he’s also surprised of what you said. He knows that you are a very thoughtful person, that forgetting someone is something you would impossibly do. Even that person did something not so nice to you.

“What’s happening with ____________? Is there something wrong between us, something wrong with me, with her? Why do I feel she took a step away from me? Why isn’t she talking to me the way she talks to me before, the way she treats me before? Did I do something wrong to her?”, TaeYang asks himself while looking at you. He kept his mouth shut, like he always do when there is something wrong.

“__________________, is there something happening?”, JiYong asked you, tapping your shoulder.
“Oh.Nothing, nothing to worry…”, you said, while looking at JiYong.
“…I’m just being aware of what’s going to happen.”, you said , as your head now turns at SeungRi who was just standing near you.
“I just don’t want to get hurt again.”, you said, looking at TaeYang. As pain, can be seen in your eyes. Like you just recalled every single moment you had treasured with him, but instead of happiness. It’s the pain your eyes are showing.

You know that all these things you will do, will hurt you, hurt you so bad. But you thought it’s the only way to forget everything, everything you’ve been feeling, you’ve been hiding.

Including him.