[ Nix Alba ; Secrets #1 ]
In this arena called schoolBlog Post ; Secrets
Entry #1
“Misunderstanding is always the cause of pain.”
It's the 3rd of June 2014 and, right now, the clock reads 11:59PM.
My head hurts from all the thinking and I couldn't be feeling worst. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the facts that JHS is in a shadow company against the government, CSW isn't dead and is my stepbrother and PSR knew it all along, but never dared to tell anyone. It all seems too unreal to me.
I feel confused, angry, relieved, betrayed and hurt - most of all, I feel numb. I don't even know what I feel, quite honestly. The blackness that taunted me for so long seems to have faded for just a little and the hole inside me feels smaller, but I'm still not happy. Why am I not happy? I should be histerical, joyous. I'm not. Instead, feelings like rancour and selfishness blind me leaving me to only see shadows. I don't want to stay here anymore.
I don't care if they find me and kill me. Let them tear me to pieces. This mixture of feelings would just be like an anaesthetic and I wouldn't feel a thing. There's not much left anyway.
Okay, I'm lying. I could never let that happen. I know I have people who care about me and I couldn't leave them like that. I know how they'd feel. I know how it feels to lose someone you love.
It's heartbreaking. You can't see them anymore, you can't speak to them anymore, you can't be with them anymore. Belive me, it hurts. It rips you apart like meat being eaten by a lion. It hits you fast, hard and rough.
It is now the 4th of June, 12:09AM.
My body is tired, but my brain doesn't want to stop. I feel like, at this rhythm, I will explode. I need to let it out right here, right now, or else I won't be able to sleep.
12:15AM
After collecting my thoughts I came to the realisation that I have to get over it. CSback and I can't stay mad at him forever. I simply won't be able to. I don't want it.
Now, after a few hours, I think I reacted badly. Slapping him wasn't the best thing to do, right? it. What's done is done. Nothing can change the past now.
What I did was a reflex and so was running out the living room and to the room I am in right now. I'm not really ashamed of what I did. I just wish I had handled everything differently. That's all.
01:23AM
I don't understand. I don't think I have anything left to say. Why can't I sleep yet?
Maybe I'll walk around the house to explore and get a bit more tired.
06:47AM
I did as I said in the last entry. To my surprise I found him again, awake in the middle of the night, doing nothing.
KNJ.
He was just sitting there, looking at his empty hands, with an indecipherable glint in his eyes. I couldn't approach him for a while as I simply stood near him for a few moments. I snapped out of it rather slowly, but when I did, my body didn't hesitate on sitting next to him and starting to speak. We talked about anything and everything, laughing now and then.
For a few hours I swear I didn't feel either bothered, nor uncomfortable, nor sad about the situation in hands. I forgot all about it and relaxed.
It's like this man's presence automatically does wonders and puts me under a calming spell. I feel intoxicated by his voice; my stomach turns every time he slightly touches my skin; dizziness tortures me with every single smile drawn by his lips.
The reason for all of this to happen again, I don't know. Something does feel different from when it was with KJY, but so far I haven't been able to pinpoint it.
It's late. I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow I won't go to school. Another hell of a migraine is about to come - I just know it. Lack of sleep was never my best friend.
Not that I mind it in this case.
Signing off,
Nix Alba.
I'll post chapter 21 of ITACS on the 17th and chapter 22 on the 18th February.
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