Code for 'weird italicized words' in this chapter: Donghae's in church. He can't curse. xD

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[Donghae's POV]

I feel like I don't understand anything about myself anymore. I don't understand my own feelings and I don't understand my emotions. Along with my dismembered thoughts, neither do I understand my actions and intentions - no matter how forced they really are.

Everything's so hard to understand right now . . . but here I am, sitting in a chair staring back at myself in the dressing room mirror, my hair slicked cleanly to the side and my tux completely brand new and wrinkle-free, looking extremely sickening to my own two eyes. So revolting I momentarily forget how to blink.

Why am I even here? I ask myself, though I'm struggling to find the answer. I'm entirely frustrated with myself. I'm tired of everything.

"Ugh!" I scream in aggravation, watching the poorly makeup-covered dark patches under my eyes narrow angrily, "Why do I have to be here?! Why did I stay???" I kick the corner of the vanity and listen to the rattling of the contents atop of it as I stand up harshly from the chair which matched it perfectly and began to pace around.

No one turns their head at the noise, and no one comes running to my aid as I have my fit, because I'm alone in this room. I'm entirely isolated from everyone else, and I prefer it this way. My SuJu brothers came to give me the support I never asked for and didn't want, they came to give me the unneeded 'Congratulations' I didn't deserve nor wanted to hear; so I kicked them out. I kicked everyone out.

My brothers, although we're of different blood and completely split backgrounds, our bond will be eternal and I was very thankful that they hadn't forgotten about me, thus, I love them all dearly. . . But I didn't want them to see me like this; Living a lie.

I just want Hyukjae. Hyukkie is the only one I want to see. I even allowed myself to get overly hopeful when I saw the members walk into the room to greet me, my heart pounding in my chest triple-time at the mere thought of getting to see my love after nearly two years apart. It's just that I almost cried in misery when I realized he hadn't come.

But of course, he wouldn't dare come here and I don't blame him. . . I'd probably keel over before I went to his wedding if he was marrying someone besides me. I wouldn't be able to stomach the feeling of betrayal overwhelming me.

So I can only imagine how he feels now.

Though for just a mere second, just so I could see his beautiful face; I'm seflish, but still, I wish he had come . . . I wish he had come for me. The feeling of my arms around his slim waist, his chest pushed against mine, and his face pressed against my neck, and mine, his; the sensation that circles through me when our lips meet; the butterflies I get when he smiles at me . . . I miss it all so much.

I miss him so much it hurts. I'd rather die than carry on with this wedding.

Literally in the process of gathering up the nerve to pick my feet the 'help' up and walk the 'fudge' out of here, the door to the dressing room opened as loudly as it could to burst me out of both my thoughts and intentions, and in walked my mother. My body whipped around to face her, and she smiled fondly at me, as if trying to hide her unmistakable regret.

She'd failed where she'd tried her hardest, and now I'm sure she's here to keep me from running away like she knew I would.

Before, she'd tried what she could to talk my father out of this wedding arrangement, saying that it was doing me no good in only accepting something because I was forced into it. It's not really learning to get over something (or someone). I once heard her trying her best like this, but my father is pure evil. He simply laughed it off. "He'll learn to deal with it in due time," he'd said.  

But I hate him, because he knows I won't and I never will. Constantly, I feel so determined to scream out to the world that I love Hyukjae and that I love him only, silently hoping that somehow he'd hear me. I wish Hyukjae could feel my heart beating for him, that way he'll know I'll love him forever.

I sigh as my mother approaches me. Her smile becomes weak as she studies my face, "How are you feeling?" She asks, somewhat dumbly if you ask me. How does she think I'm feeling?

Though I'm sure she knows, that's why she asked.

"Fine." I lie, more curtly than I intended. She reaches up to massage my shoulders while looking me in the eyes.

"I know . . . I know this is going to be hard, but Hae--" I stop her there, because I don't want to hear anymore about what I'm about to be put through on this day.

"I said I'm fine," I insist, trying to smile at her, but obviously failing as I see the concern in her eyes. I can also tell she's sorry and it makes my heart hurt even worse than it already is, so I look away.

This time, she sighs, cups my cheeks with her hands to move my gaze to meet with hers once again, "It's time now, Donghae," she whispered a bit sadly, "Just think of me and I'll be your mental support every step of the way, you hear me?" she asked and waited for me to produce a pitiful nod before going on. She dropped her hands from my cheeks, "Also . . . Have you seen your appa recently? I can't seem to find him anywhere."

Her question was asked carefully, as if she knew my mood would go sour after simply hearing her speak of him. I shook my head with a small sneer poking at my lips, "Haven't seen him since I told him to get the hel--" I stopped myself, "help out of my eyesight." I corrected. 

My mother sighed, because she knew. That ridiculous man had told me to smile earlier, as if I was capable of such a thing after all that he's done to me, dragged me away from, and put me through. He has no right to say such things to me.

I feel like I would have slapped the 'ship' out of him had we not been in church. . .

"Okay," my mom muttered as I walked around her, more than willing to leave this stuffy room already and get whatever I had to say to get this over with said and done.

She squeezed past me where I'd stopped in the doorway and looked back over her shoulder with a reassuring smile on her face. "Let's go," she said, and I appreciated just that little bit. Her smile was so sincere.

I smiled in return, "Thanks, Umma."

In silence, we stepped from the shadows at the back of the church, hidden away by the large double doors. When these large doors opened and I entered the highly decorated ceremony hall, all heads simulataneously turned towards me and I was being overwhelmed by judging stares and congratulations that fell on deaf ears.

Shutters flashed everywhere, blinding my eyesight, and caused me to blink very rapidly. By the time I finally reached the alter and my mom had left my side, I was on the verge of suffering an extreme headache. My Super Junior boys were seated right up front on the left side of the aisle, giving me a varying range of looks: from surprise and confusion, to false smiles, to contempt.

I was being disgraced from right up under God's roof. I wish I could tell them that I wasn't doing this by my own free will. We've all known each other for so long . . . It's a wonder how none of them could see my pain. . .

But the biggest mystery overall to me was the absense of my very own father, the 'fudger' that forced this crap of a wedding in the first place. Where was he, so occupied that he couldn't even turn up to his ugly event, while I stood here searching for the right words in prayer in order to get me out of this wedding?

After a while of aimless searching, I give up and begin wriggling my legs back and forth, keenly aware that time was clicking and that the ceremony would soon begin.

I didn't want to believe that soon, I would have a wife, an annoying, overly happy little brat of a beauty walking by my side at the end of this thing. The words "You may now kiss the bride" suddenly began echoing in my head at an annoying volume and I realized that I have never kissed Jessica before. Never even thought about it. . .

I shuttered at the thought.

Five minutes have passed, and now I'm able to spot my father coming out of the large double doors quietly, a particularly satisfied smirk lining his face as if he'd just done himself quite a bit of justice. My eyes can't find the strength required to leave his face as he goes to take a seat next to my mother, and once he sits down, he makes eye contact with me. He smiles at me, a smile so huge I'd gladly like to smack it off.

But his eyes speak to me a warning: "Don't you dare mess this up, boy."

My eyes narrow at his and I can feel my lips immediately curling up into a tight sneer, but I stop myself before everyone can see it. The cameras aren't allowed to know how I really feel, though when music suddenly starts to boom, indicating that the bride should be coming through those doors at any second, it's extremely hard for me to keep my emotions in check.

I want to cry so badly, it's punishing. 

Sure enough, within a couple of extra seconds, the double doors burst open and in the middle stands a petite figure, dressed in a beautifully white gown, train long, and veil perfectly hiding her beautiful features from the overwhelming cascade of flashing bulbs on the millions of reporters' cameras.

I started fidgeting even more noticably as she began her walk down the long aisle. To many spectators, I might look like a groom fidgeting with both nerves and excitement at the thought of marrying the love of my life; but in reality, I was fighting off the sickness bubbling up in my stomach and rising to my throat at the thought of marrying someone that was definitely NOT the love of my life.

I only wish I was seeing Hyukkie right now, dressed in his perfect white tux that had always been my favorite since we'd bought it together. I imagined him looking stunning to my deprived eyes, white gloves covering his slim fingers even able to make my eyes buldge and my heart race. Everything about him is so perfect to me.

I can't help but wonder, how is he right now?

"-your lawfully wedded wife?" I suddenly hear the end of the phrase that speaks the moment of truth. It takes me a while to register and I can feel everyone's stares on me as I hesitate to answer the question.

There's a ringing in my ears, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Included, I almost gag, but I manage to take a deep breath, swallow my pride, emotions, dignity, and freedom and mutter a monotone, "I do." Unfortunately, 'not' wasn't included in my answer as it wasn't allowed to be.

I wanted everything to end right then, but the priest went on and asked Jessica the same question. I allowed myself to zone out because I didn't want to hear her answer. It would be too real then.

Apparently, she gave her answer quickly (of course she would) because when I looked out at the guests, they all had wide smiles on their faces and their looks were a bit suggestive if you ask me. Considering this, I could tell it was time for the unveiling. I would then have to kiss the girl who knows that I hate her with a passion, though no one else knows this but my parents.

And frankly, I'm pissed. Even if I don't kiss her, we've already said our vows . . . I'm already married. . . I wonder if at least my father's happy.

I very audibly sigh as the priest says, "I now pronounce you husband and, well, husband. You may now kiss your partner." Cheers broke out around the whole church building as I completely froze, my fingers stuck between simply pressing the fabric of the veil against my fingers and actually lifting it.

My heartbeat was pounding wildly in my chest as my mind flew to uncontrollable distances. I was sure I'd just heard right, but that could just be me over-wishing impossible fantasies. My hands were shaking a bit, and my breath was coming out short, but I was still able to think just one sentence, trying so hard not to get my hopes up:

What the heck was that supposed to mean?

Though within seconds, my curious actions answered my question perfectly as I finally chose to lift the bride's veil slowly and cautiously, in breath as I did.

It may have seemed funny to spectators from all sides, but when the veil revealed perfectly shaped red, plump lips, stretched widely into that gummy smile that I will never mistake as belonging to anyone other than to that one person who's closest to my heart, I let out a nearly inhuman squeak of surprise.

My eyes bulged widely and they filled with a pool of tears as a sharp nose poked out from behind the veil as it was lifted. Eyes shining with beautiful tears stared back at me as I pushed the veil over the top of not her, but his head, the only person that can truly make my world color with happiness.

I've been craving these features for nearly two years. I've been starving for his love.

Tears had already started running from his eyes the minute he saw the happiness on my face, while I must have looked like a fool with my mouth hanging wide open like a dead fish, tears finally falling at whatever rapid speed they wished to.

I hated how I couldn't blink, because I was afraid that I'd close my eyes for even a second and find myself dreaming. I wanted so badly for this to be a reality. In effort of making sure it was, I then turned half my body to look at my parents.

The looks on their faces surprised me. My mother was smiling through the tears that coated her face. She was happy for me, I could tell, trying to wipe the wetness away from her face with the back of her hand. Another weight lifted off my heart at that.

She was genuinely crying for my happiness.

My father, on the other hand, still had that blinding smile on his face, though this time his eyes were looking at me in the kindness that had been missing since that first day back in Mokpo. I bite my lip hard now, increasingly becoming afraid that I'm dreaming. I turn back around to find Hyukkie still crying and smiling back at me. Then my head whips back over to my smiling father and it was then that I couldn't take it anymore.

I left the alter and ran over to my parents.

"Appa, APPA, IS THIS REAL?!" I bellowed so loudly that everyone immediately laughed in response. I heard countless cameras flashing but I didn't give a 'damp', "Appa, am I dreaming? Umma! IS THAT REALLY HYUKJAE? MY HYUKJAE?!!"

The two of them don't even bother opening their mouths to answer me. They just laugh and nod their heads in response to where I have to take another look at my husband standing there alone at the alter, probably feeling abandoned by now. I look back at my presents and smile so big I swear the corners of my mouth reached the moon.

I haven't smiled this good in a while.

I hugged them tightly, "Thank you, thank you. I love you both a million times over! I'm so . . . I can't . . . I . . . I--"

"YAH! LEE DONGHAE!" I snap my head up from where I'm busy hugging my parents . . . Of course it's Kyuhyun. . . "Get back up there and SEAL THE DEAL, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

I debated on yelling back, but he was extremely right. I have perfectly kissable lips waiting for me! I turn back to face my parents and bow awkwardly as I mutter another gazillion thank you's at their knees before I spring upright again and rush over to my new husband who's standing there looking slightly uncomfortable in his wedding dress.

I love the blush that blossomed on his face as I drew near, and immediately, time slowed as my arms circled his waist and I felt that incredible sensation that's been missing for well over a year. Butterflies tripled in my stomach as his arms slipped around my neck and slowly pulled me nearer.

Darkness enveloped me as I closed my eyes in anticipation of finally getting there. I could feel his heavenly breath on my lips as they just barely brushed together, and I literally shivered at the feeling.

We were almost there when Hyukkie suddenly muttered, "I'm so happy, Hae . . . You haven't forgotten about me." I could never lie when I say that I literally gasped at the sound of his voice. It was soft and soothing, so lyrical it made my skin tingle all over as goosebumps broke through.

I don't know how I've lived this long without hearing it, because oh God, how I missed his voice. . .

Anyhow, my chance to reply was taken when his lips finally pressed against mine and the world stopped being of my concern. It was the best present I could have asked for at this point in my life. Our faces were still wet as we kissed and I'm quite sure by how my chest started hurting and it began to feel as if I couldn't live any longer if I didn't breath, that the kiss we shared was much longer than it should have been.

"YAH, LEE DONGHAE!" I suddenly heard, "STOP HYUK'S FACE, YOU !" And at this, Hyukkie and I parted quite quickly, breathless, embarassed as another wail of laughter arose, and blushing, but incredibly happy in every way.

"I love you, Hyukjae." I whispered to his smiling face as I took his hand, the other wiping the tears from his face with my thumb. He did the same to me, his smile crinkling the edges of his eyes.

"I love you too, Donghae."

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EunHaeLove: Well here's the next chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it. :)

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CookieBear: See, I told you it wouldn't take too long this time! Slap yourselves for doubting me... xDDD

There's two chapters left, btw!  Continue loving this, yeah? :P

Have A Great Day :]