[Eunhyuk's POV]

It hurts. Everything hurts.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart hurts. My existence hurts. And all because I’ve been steadily living without him.

Don’t get me wrong, a month hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about ending it all in one fell swoop of a sharp knife or accidentally drinking some poisoned water; but I’ve been doing what I can. I’ve been eating, some, and I’ve been taking care of my appearance, for the most part, and I’ve actually been going on, day by day, being the usual as I can be Lee Hyukjae. . .

But nothing’s the same. Everything feels foreign and I constantly feel alone, sinking into the silence that Donghae used to fill daily.

Since the beginning, people had already tried to tell me to forget, live, and move on, but they don’t know just how impossible those words are for me to hear, just how much I can’t listen to the words I never believe I could ever do. He promised me that someway and somehow, we’ll be together again.

That somehow, he’ll come back for me and we can start, once again anew, right from the start—create our own existence again.

That small, slightly torn letter I received that day is dear to me. I have to believe those words. They were special, they were precious, meaningful.

And from everything that I believe; they were truth.

FLASHBACK

After being dragged into the dorm by my sad and highly worried members, ex-members?, the only thing I had the strength to do was rest.

But as I found my legs automatically leading me to stand outside of the door I thought I’d never have to see again, I started becoming worried about what would be left inside.

I already know that he’s gone, so I know that they’d come to collect his things. I know that if I go into this room, it will be only half full, and without his presence, it will feel much more than entirely half empty.

Even as I thought these simple things, I died a little inside—reality striking hard. I took a long quivering breath, turned the knob, and stepped inside although I don’t really understand what possessed me to do it.

I should have just gone home with my parents; I shouldn’t have let myself see this.

Immediately after surveying the room I’d known for so long as ours, I let out a strangled cry and felt as though I’d been struck with a cruel lightning bolt full of immense pain.

Reality hurt much more than a nightmare ever could.

With tears already streaming down my red face, I entered further into the room, wave after wave of shocking loneliness hitting me with each new step. My feet ended up dragging me to our shared bed and I flopped down on it, lacking even a handful of effort.

Obviously, I’d been crying loudly—so loudly that, within the time I felt like smothering myself in the thick sheets, my room was occupied with nearly all of the members, shaking and comforting me while I wailed like a tortured banshee.

Somewhere in between Sungmin running smooth fingers through my hair and Leeteuk cradling me to his chest running a hand up and down my heaving back, Kyuhyun called my name, spoke very quietly,

“Hyuk, there’s a letter. . .” He’d taken it from atop my pillow, and it was handed to me. I read slowly, drinking up every word and every syllable I could swallow.

            To Lee Hyukjae, my Hyukkie, my Monkey, my Love,

            I’m sorry that you’re reading this because it means that I’m not there right beside you like I should be at all times. I know that you’re probably hurting, because I’m hurting to, so please . . . if you’re crying, please stop. The mere thought of that makes writing this letter so much harder than it already is. I can’t bear to think about what this situation has done to you. Your smiling face is so much more precious, so please smile for me, Hyukkie. Put on a brave face and smile for me until the day I come back for you; because I promise you, from under the roof of this car I’m trapped in, regardless of what either of my parents say, I will come back to you so that we can start again like we planned to, like we so wanted to. . .

           I can’t write much more because I’m running out of space and time—it feels like I’m suffocating, Hyukkie. But, I want you right now to promise me, through the words on this sheet of paper, that you will live like there’s no tomorrow. Live without me like I was never there, just until the day I come back for you. Can you do that for me?

            I have to go now. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, for everything. But I promise we’ll be together again someday. I’ll make it happen.

            I love you from the bottom of my heart, and like I said before, don’t you ever forget that, Lee Hyukjae. . .

            Goodbye, my love. Until we meet again. . .

Sincerely Your Love,

Lee Donghae

And I cried, long and hard, terribly hurt that he thought that I could ever even think about living without him, moreover like he was never there. Memories crowded my head like a hive of bees, no matter how hard I'd ever try, it'd be in vain. He'd never be erased from my subconscious. Lee Donghae created such a huge nest there so long ago, he could never get out.

I held the letter and the contents within with shaking hands and multiple tears dripping fast and wet onto the tattered piece of old and crumpled paper, choking sobs ringing loud in my ears and stinging my chest. Leeteuk once again cradled me into his chest as I slowly died a little more inside.

END OF FLASHBACK

That day was probably the worst of my life . . . After reading that letter, I wondered if a severe paper cut to the throat could end my misery; but after reading what Hae said inside, I knew I could never let myself try.

I had to wait for him, for as long as it took, because he said it himself, he will come back for me.

Finally, I manage to stop drowning in my self-pity and I trudge out of the room, to the bathroom, and then downstairs and into the kitchen where I find Leeteuk hyung already up and reading a newspaper. When he sees me, he quickly folds the paper in half and tucks it away and out of sight.

I an eyebrow and flop down into an empty seat without much care in the world, ignoring how weird my hyung had just acted. It most likely had nothing to do with me.

The kitchen door then swings open and Ryeowook enters . . . and he’s already looking at me—with that same look I’ve been getting from everyone much too often lately.

I’d learned to despise that look, to loathe just how much everyone pities me and doesn’t exactly realize that, yes, I already know that I’m pathetic. I’m worn out and yes, I’m pitiful . . . But there is no need to pity me.

It’s been nearly two years since he’s been gone, but of my own choice, I continue to hold onto the hope that someday, everything will change for the better; that everything will turn back in the right direction and I can stop walking forward but feel as if I’m being pulled backwards in a never ending journey of sorrow and heartbreak.

And until then, I know very well that I will never let him go.

How can I let go of someone who basically led half of my life for me? Who defined the meaning of my existence, and who was the reason I made sure to give rejoining Super Junior a try after a month’s suspension, successfully taking part in what I remain today.

He’s the reason I’m me. The only reason I’ve remained Lee Hyukjae and not some corpse eroding away in some ditch nearby.

If it means that, one day, he will come back to me just like he said he would. . . A year is nothing, I can keep holding on forever.

Once again, I found myself drifting down that dangerous lane of memories, finding myself walking over countless cracks in the paved tar of the black street trying hard not to break what was left of the faint happiness left within me.

But, thankfully, my thoughts were put on hold as Ryeowook suddenly set a plate filled generously with breakfast food in front of me, smiling fondly as he did. I smiled back and stared at the strawberry topped pancakes with a near watering mouth. It looked so appetizing.

I eagerly grabbed a fork and was about to happily dig in when I couldn’t shake the feeling that something about the way I was served was slightly odd. I mean, it was a totally nice gesture, I welcomed it and it made me feel like I was actually wanted.

But I haven’t felt that way in a long time . . . Ryeowook doesn’t normally bring us the plates, we get them ourselves while he kindly prepares the food.

What suddenly made me deserve the special treatment?

I thought for maybe just a couple extra seconds before the kitchen door behind me swayed open once again and a handful of members flooded in all at once, causing whatever I was on the verge of thinking to evaporate into thin air as I silently reverted back into myself and began munching on some of my favorite foods.

The members all sit down and some chat sleepily, some loudly while I try hard to finish my breakfast quickly, completely silent in all that’s going on around me—whatever they’re saying doesn’t interest me.

I gulp down the strawberry milk that was waiting patiently for me to claim beside my now empty plate and push my chair backwards, scraping the chair’s legs across the floor as I stood from the table. I made my way to the sink, getting ready to wash out my plate when I suddenly hear from behind me,

“Hey, Hyuk.” I turn to face Leeteuk hyung who’d called me. “Neh?”

He smiles at me before continuing, “I think you should get some fresh air today. It’ll be good for you since you don’t get much free time and sunshine outside of your schedules.”

I nearly scoffed as I shook my head, thinking about how nearly all of my schedules seemed to somehow involve the name that clouds my head all night and all day; always wondering whatever happened to Donghae and our relationship, why he broke it off with Super Junior, and if he really broke it off with ‘us’.

They surely knew exactly how to keep the long ago feelings of my past mental breakdowns vivid in my memory. If I’d ever tried to heed my family’s and member’s encouragement to move on and live a healthy life without Hae, the media would never allow me to forget in the first place.

How could I ever listen to such a request if I was always nagged about ‘Super Junior’s EunHae’, the ‘dynamic duo’, and blah, blah, blah.

It’s so depressing. . .

“Teukkie hyung, I’m not feeling up for it today.” I replied softly as I the tap and rinsed my plate. I could hear him sigh loudly before speaking again,

“I think the fresh air will help you to relax a little bit, Hyuk-ah.” He tried again. I simply shook my head as I began rinsing and washing the fork I’d just used.

“That cave you hole yourself up in is not healthy at all, Eunhyuk.” He stated. I sighed and turned off the water a bit harshly, starting to feel just a little bit agitated as this discussion goes on. I just want to get back to that cave and lock myself in until the next MC or reporter inquires some information about me and my relationship with Donghae even after nearly a two year hiatus.

No, they have never, and probably never will, forget about the little incident that happened during our interview on the day that seemed millennia away.

I even sighed again as I turned, beginning to feel tired all over again, “No, hyung, it’s not a big deal. . . I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Like always. I said before making my way slowly to the kitchen door.

But again, I was stopped in the middle of my actions, only this time it was not by just one voice, but each member speaking at nearly the same moments—their voices sliding together like uneven, jagged rocks as they clashed loudly.

“I agree with Teukkie hyung, Eunhyuk.” Kyuhyun said.

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea,” Shindong said.

“It’d get you out of your room.” Siwon suggested.

“It’ll bring back some of your recently lost color. . .” Yesung deadpanned.

“I agree.” Ryeowook agreed.

Kangin hyung simply nodded.

I looked to Sungmin, waiting for him to add on to the foray of agreements and words I’d just received, and then wondered why when nothing came. He literally dropped his gaze, looking away from me when we made eye contact; which I found weird.

When I remained silent for too long due to the shock of each member trying to get me to leave my room, I received puppy dog eyes from each and every one of them who’d tried.

I also find this weird. And then I realized; they’re not just trying to get me to leave my room; they’re trying to push me out of the dorm. . . They’re hiding something from me.

My eyes narrow as I refuse yet again, “I said I don’t want to. Why are you guys trying to make me?” I scan the faces before me and can sense that my words triggered something. I just didn’t know what it was.

I huffed as Yesung suddenly gets up and begins washing the bowl he’d just used, walking past me without making even the slightest of eye contact. I simply stood and said absolutely nothing as each member suddenly felt the need to do the same and dispersed one after the other out of the cramped kitchen, heading to do more interesting things in more interesting places.

That was quick; to have forgotten about the issue they’d started with me so suddenly.

I sighed and plopped down on the empty chair I’d occupied just a while ago, having lost the desire to go crawl up into a ball on my large, half empty bed in the dark until I’d nearly rotted away before Super Junior’s next schedule.

That’s when I actually noticed that I wasn’t alone at the dining room table. I looked up to find Sungmin sitting unnaturally quietly from a way’s across from me, as he sat at the far head of the table while I sat at the end. He smiles weakly at me when he notices me looking, but doesn’t seem willing to start a conversation which I’m silently thankful for.

We sat in an almost forced silence for a while before Sungmin nonchalantly pulls a huge newspaper from out of nowhere and begins reading it right in front of me while I stare at nothing in particular, getting lost in my self-crumbling thoughts. Another too many minutes pass for Sungmin to still be on the same page, and I look up to find him simply staring at the paper he’s holding in his hands.

I notice that his eyes are staring at something very particularly, and he seems completely interested by it . . . I’m getting curious.

So, as stupidly stealthily as I can make myself appear, I scoot myself out of my chair and slowly walk my way around the long table to where Sungmin is quietly reading the paper. He knows I’m coming, he’s not stupid, but he doesn’t seem to mind in the least, completely unbothered by the fact that I’m obviously planning to peek childishly over his shoulder.

But, why would he be. He’s my best friend—he’d show me anything.

I got there quickly and peered around his head, leaning down to get a good view on the contents of the paper . . . I’d only read half of one huge and bolded word before I felt my arm being grasped tightly and I was snatched away from the article in Sungmin’s hand.

“Su—“ . . . “Su—“ was all I saw before I’d gotten snatched away from the table. I turned to find Ryeowook looking at me with a panicked expression, more than obviously wondering if I’d seen anything.

His face relaxed when I remain completely dumbfounded and lost. What are they trying so hard to keep me from seeing?

“Hyukjae hyung!” Ryeowook suddenly screams, startling me out of my thoughts. “What?” I ask, already bored. I know that look in his eye.

“Let’s go shopping!!” He exclaimed. I sigh. I knew it. . . And so, I refuse.

“No, Ryeonggu. I don’t want to.” I replied, using his nickname. He pouted cutely at my refusal while my attention was returned to Sungmin who’d just scraped his chair back as he got up from his seat.

The newspaper he’d held in his hand was now being plopped heavily on the table before me in such a view that I couldn’t miss it. As he walked away from the table and nearer to me, he purposely made contact with me so blindingly that I could tell something was up. And as he walked past me and out of the kitchen’s swinging door, he whispered as quietly as a freaking fly buzzing past someone’s ear,

“—before it’s too late. . .” and that’s all I could catch.

With my curiosity now peaked to the brim, I quickly returned my attention back to the newspaper that was practically thrown into my sight by my very best friend. That look in his eye had me thinking that I really needed to see what was written there; but of course, a certain giraffe loving, tiny man jumped in front of me, blocking my view of the simple fold of papers I unconsciously longed to see so badly.

“Hyung, come with me!!!~” he whined as he jumped up and down in front of my vision, successfully pulling my eyes away from the dining table and onto him.

“No, Wookie.”

“Please hyung, it won’t take long, I promise!”

“But I don’t want to go sho—“

“Pwetty, pwetty, pwease, Hyung!???? I don’t want to go alone!” He bats his eyelashes at me and I gulp as I replied a hard,

“No, I said! And ask Yesung hyung to go with you if you don’t want to go alone, not me!” He seriously seemed to consider it for a split second there, but then he immediately came back to thinking of me.

“Noo! He’s a meanie!” Lie. . . “And I want you to go with me. You haven’t been shopping with me in such a long time, Hyung!” Double lie. It’s been, at most, a little over a year. . .

Okay, it’s been a while. He got me there.

I sigh an aggravated sigh and reluctantly give in to Ryeowook’s pleading, agreeing to go shopping with him as long as it doesn’t take too long.

Ryeowook squeals happily and drags me out of the dining room (section) and kitchen and up to my dark room while the entire time I can’t help thinking back to the newspaper that we’d left lying idly upon the table.

Sungmin’s words kept replaying in my head, “—Before it’s too late. . .” like a parakeet. It jumbled up and punched me in the back of my mind multiple times as I got ready to go, putting on my shoes with Ryeowook.

It stuck there like an annoying magnet as I was pulled out of the dorm building and into the blinding sunlight.

What exactly does “—Before it’s too late. . .” mean?

Ryeowook gripped my hand tightly and grinned up at me, his eyes gleaming brightly in the sunlight, glistening with knowledge I can’t even begin to guess.

And what is it that I’m not meant to know?

***********************************************************************************************************************************

Sorry If this chapter was boring and all. It was more like to be used as setting the foundation of the rest of the story. . . And if you didn't think it was boring, I sincerely hoped you liked it.

Thanks for any subscribers, commenters, upvoters, and readers I'd gotten thus far . . .  But, right now, I just figured that I'm going to rush through the rest of this story.

I've been losing subscribers frequently, lost two last chapter, and I honestly don't understand the reason why. . . So, I feel no support from this story and feel that the rest will just be quickly written and updated as soon as my editor can make it possible. I've already written what needs to be written, so as soon as this happens, the story will be over.

There's probably 3 or 4 chapters left at most.

I'll update when I can you guys. And, in the future, when you feel like you want to unsubscribe, PLEASE leave a comment and tell me why. I'm seriously confused right now.