Story Review [Not An Update]
SHINee Over Flowers
Title (4/5):
-Must be relate and relevant to the story. -> 2 marks 1
-Catchy and can get much attention. ->1 mark 1
-Must be followed by the genre of the story. -> 2 marks 2
-Must be relate and relevant to the story. -> 2 marks 1
-Catchy and can get much attention. ->1 mark 1
-Must be followed by the genre of the story. -> 2 marks 2
I really like the title. If I were to scroll through some random fanfics and saw that specific title, I would probably click on it. The only reason why you didn’t get full marks is because the title isn’t exactly original. It was taken from the show ‘Boys over Flowers.’ Also, it’s supposed to be ‘SHINee over Flowers, not ‘SHINee Over Flowers.’ Other than that, it was pretty interesting. Good job!
Poster (4/10):
-Not messy. -> 1 mark 0
-Relates to story. -> 3 marks 1
-Matches with the theme of story. -> 3 marks 2
-Has the characters that's in the story. -> 1 mark 1
-Catchy and interesting. -> 2 marks 0
Poster (4/10):
-Not messy. -> 1 mark 0
-Relates to story. -> 3 marks 1
-Matches with the theme of story. -> 3 marks 2
-Has the characters that's in the story. -> 1 mark 1
-Catchy and interesting. -> 2 marks 0
The poster was a little messy and it looked like everything had been rushed. The characters were present, but they looked like they had been cut out from a magazine and stuck on a pretty template with some glue. No offence to the person who designed it. There was no story title and the template didn’t really match the story. Sorry! I liked how you used different pictures of the characters in the story though.
Characters (3/5):
-Good info used for characters.->1 mark 1
-Info mentioned clearly and easy to understand. ->2 marks 1
-Needed info are given. -> 2 marks 1
The characters were easy to understand, though you shouldn’t have made them in the place of the real characters in the show ‘Boys over Flowers.’ It makes readers who have watched ‘Boys over Flowers’ disheartened. I mean, they’ve watched it before and they know how everything is going to end up; reading it with no thrill or suspense wouldn’t exactly excite them or make them want to carry on. It would be fun to imagine the SHINee boys and f(x) girls in the place of the actors/actresses in the show, though.
Description/Foreword (11/20):
-Easy to understand. -> 5 marks 3
-Has included the info that's needed and didn't spoil much of the story. -> 5 marks 3
-Had made readers wanted to continue reading. -> 5 marks 2
-Good use of info. -> 5 marks 3
The description was done rather messily and it looked rushed. You should’ve probably put a short description of the characters in there. If you’re planning to write more in the future, perhaps you could plan everything out and get a clearer picture of what you want to write and maybe get a little motivation.
Plot (19/30):
-Didn't copy story from others but base on their own storylines. -> 5 marks 2
-Has used creative ideas in story. -> 5 marks 3
-Matches with the theme/mood of story. -> 5 marks 4
-Good use of characters. -> 5 marks 3
-Catches readers’ attention and are interesting. -> 5 marks 3
-Connects to the description. -> 4 marks 3
-Follows on the story very well. -> 1 mark 1
Plot (19/30):
-Didn't copy story from others but base on their own storylines. -> 5 marks 2
-Has used creative ideas in story. -> 5 marks 3
-Matches with the theme/mood of story. -> 5 marks 4
-Good use of characters. -> 5 marks 3
-Catches readers’ attention and are interesting. -> 5 marks 3
-Connects to the description. -> 4 marks 3
-Follows on the story very well. -> 1 mark 1
You copied the show ‘Boys over Flowers’ way too much. You could’ve taken some important scenes from the show, but there were many scenes where you copied the show exactly. For example, the scene where the ‘Awesome’ girls came while she was eating egg rolls then sprayed perfume and she tried protecting her food by covering them with her arms. Also, because you copied ‘Boys over Flowers,’ I knew exactly who she would end up with and what would happen when. I liked how you made the ‘Awesome’ girls not how they appeared to be; perfect and rich. They were in a slightly messed up situation and two of them were extremely poor. You also made Sulli fall in love with Taemin instead of Minho. That was pretty clichéd though. You could’ve copied the show for that one; more drama. I really liked how you made F5 a dance group. That was original. Applause!
Spelling/Grammar (10/20):
-Has correct spellings and no error. -> 10 marks 5
-Good use of adjectives. -> 10 marks 5
There were many grammatical errors and ellipsis. It would be better if you didn’t use ellipsis in almost every sentence. It makes you seem uncertain or not serious about your story. Also, please don’t put smiley faces. The characters are talking, not texting.
Corrections
Chapter 1
"Krystal-shi! Open the door! I have good news!" She shouted in excitement while knocking the door.
Correction: “Krystal unnie! Open the door! I have good news!” she shouted in excitement while knocking the door.
Why: Grammar.
After using ‘”’, you must never use caps. Do not ask me why. Ask grammar. I’ve read through your story and I can tell it’s a typo, though; I will not deduct marks for this. Also, you so not use ‘–shi’ as using ‘-shi’ is like saying ‘Miss Krystal!’ You don’t call your sister Miss, do you? Using ‘unnie’ is more appropriate as ‘unnie’ means older sister. I will not deduct marks for this as well as this is not English. I’m just putting it out there to help you with the progression of your story.
She straight away ran into my room and closed the door.
Correction: She ran into my room immediately and closed the door.
Why: Grammar.
Using ‘straight away’ makes it sound really informal. It is also wrong to use ‘straight away’ after ‘she.’ You could also use ‘immediately’ instead of ‘straight away’ because it sounds better.
She really wanted me to be sucessful... But... My dream life is to be a normal person living a normal life. I am in a dilemma... Which should i choose?
Correction: She really wanted me to be successful, but my dream life is to be a normal person living a normal life. I am in a dilemma. Which should I choose?
Why: spelling, conjunction, caps.
Never ever start a sentence with conjunctions. You just can’t. Also, ‘I’ should always be in caps. Throughout the entire story, you’ve been using ‘I’ in small caps. There are times where you use it correctly, but you make the occasional ‘I’ mistake here and there.
Chapter 2
As i am walking, i passed by a room.
Correction: As I was walking, I passed by a room.
Why: tense, caps.
I will ignore the ‘I’ as I’ve already told you about it. However, your tense is wrong. You have to decide if you want to write in past tense, present tense or probably even future tense. Never ever use two tenses in the same sentence unless you’re talking about the future or something. It’s either present tense or past tense.
Chapter 4
Its break time.
Correction: It’s break time.
Why: Grammar.
Many people get confused with ‘its’ and ‘it’s.’ The ‘it’ in ‘its’ is usually an item or a living thing, usually animals. The term ‘it’s’ however, is a short form of ‘it is.’ Whenever I get stuck with ‘its’ and ‘it’s,’ I usually replace the ‘its’ with ‘his’ or ‘hers.’ For this instance, I would tell myself ‘his break time.’ Obviously, it’s wrong. However, if you use ‘it’s’ and break it up, it becomes ‘it is break time.’ I’m sorry if I’m confusing you. You can ask me more questions through e-mail or PM in AFF.
Chapter 13
Jonghyun ran up to me and wiped the soup on my hand using a towel and helped me to put some cream on my burned hand. I gave a death glare at Minho.
Correction: Jonghyun ran up to me and wiped the hot soup off my hands with a towel. He put cream on my burned hands. I glared at Minho.
Why: Adjectives, grammar.
It’s better to be specific. Use more adjectives; it enhances your story. Before, you put ‘hands,’ probably because he spilt hot soup on both her hands. If so, why is Jonghyun only paying attention to one hand? ‘I gave a death glare at Minho’ is wrong. When you use ‘give,’ you have to use ‘to.’ Though in this case, ‘I gave a death glare to Minho’ sounds wrong; glaring is not something you give, it’s something you do. It’s better to say ‘I glared at Minho.’ You can’t go wrong with that.
I can’t be falling for her. But, I gotta admit she is BEAUTY.
Correction: I can’t be falling for her, but I have to admit that she is a beauty.
Why: Conjunction, grammar.
Again, you must never use conjunctions at the start of a sentence. Technically, gotta is not correct. It’s not a word; it’s slang. You have to be more formal when writing stories. If you put ‘…I got to admit…’ it’s wrong. He doesn’t get to admit, he has to admit. When you put ‘…have to admit she is beauty,’ that’s wrong as well. You need a comma or a ‘that’ in between the words ‘admit’ and ‘she.’ Lastly, the right term is ‘she is a beauty’ meaning she is beautiful; her name is not beauty.
NO, MINHO. SHE IS JUST A GIRL THAT HAD MADE YOU LAUGHED BY ALL YOUR MEMBERS AND HUMILIATED.
Correction: No, Minho. She is just a girl that humiliated you and made you be laughed at by all your members!
Why: Grammar, messy sentence.
Please do not use caps. If you want him to scream, shout and rage in his head, that’s what exclamation marks are for. She did not make him laugh because of s. She made s laugh at him.
Overall enjoyment (6/10):
-Always having the reader’s attention. -> 5 marks 3
-Story isn't boring but very interesting to read. -> 5 marks 3
Your story has potential and it’s nice to read. There were many grammatical errors and taken scenes from ‘Boys over Flowers’ though. I can’t say that I hate the flow of your story. Don’t be disheartened. You’re doing pretty well for your first story. Hwaiting~!!
Total Marks (57/100):
Effort: D
Reviewed by 100% Luv Review Request ->http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/71342/100-luv-review-request-open-2pm-iusinger-request-review-shinee-snsd-boyfriendband (:
It has been so long since I updated... PSLE's over now so, I'll update as soon as I can! :))
It has been so long since I updated... PSLE's over now so, I'll update as soon as I can! :))
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