WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH

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Taemin couldn’t stop the chiding voice in his head telling him he should’ve been realistic about the outcome of the situation. Really. But as tears streamed down his face, he thought that maybe.. even if he had been realistic, he couldn’t have known things would turn out this bad.

The knife in his hands was unsteady as he raised it above his head.

~

Kim Jonghyun was known to everyone in his neighborhood as the guy who lost his sister, Junghee. He took it harder than the rest of his family because he and his sister were close. They weren’t the kind of siblings who fought. They were the kind of siblings who were friends, and when the news came in that she’d been killed in a head on collision… He was devastated. He fuzzily remembered laying on his bed for days at a time, not eating and only barely sleeping.

He honestly felt like a piece of himself was gone, and the feeling hadn’t gone away with time like people said it would. He drifted through life, holding down a job for (at most) 4-5 months before he couldn’t stand the routine anymore. He thrived when his schedule was different every day. He thought that it was probably because taking in new things and situations meant he didn’t have to deal with his sister’s death.

But it all changed when Jonghyun met Lee Taemin for the first time.

~

He’d been working as a librarian. He liked reading to the kids and teaching them that the world could be good to them. The awe on their small faces never seemed to get old, which was one reason Jonghyun had kept the job for over a year.

He also simply loved to read. That was something that most of his family didn’t know about him. The only one who knew was his sister Junghee. Working in a library reminded him so much of her. She was quiet, and had shared his love of books. In some ways, it felt a little bit like he’d taken the job for her and it was soothing to know that he was at least doing something to remember her by.

It was his favorite afternoon of the week, when kids came in for storytime.  A guy who looked to be around his age came in holding the hand of one of the kids and Jonghyun felt his breath hitch in his throat.

He was beautiful. To be a man, anyway. His features were softer than a man’s normally were, and his smile made Jonghyun ache. He slapped on a watery smile when he noticed the other male coming towards him, being insistently tugged forward by the kindergarten-age kid beside him.

    “Hyung, that’s him! That’s Jonghyun-ssi, who reads to us every Tuesday afternoon!” Jonghyun couldn’t help the small smile on his face at the youngster’s words.

    “I see that, Yoogeun,” when they were standing in front of Jonghyun, Yoogeun let go of the hand and ran forward to Jonghyun to hug him.

    “Yoogeun-ah, how many times do I have to tell you? I’m Jonghyun-hyung. I’m not old enough to be an ahjussi, you understand? Aish,” his smile grew wider when he noticed Yoogeun giggling.

    “Yoogeun insisted that I had to come with him to meet you today. I’m Taemin, Yoogeun’s older brother,” the guy offered as an explanation. Jonghyun bowed his head in a greeting and asked Yoogeun to go play with the other kids.

    “So Yoogeun talks about me outside of the library? How flattering,” Taemin smiled a little.

    “He can’t get enough of the stories you read him,” Jonghyun smiled even wider.

    “That’s great to hear. I’m glad the children enjoy it as much as I do,” Jonghyun glanced at the clock and widened his eyes. “Damn, story time started about 5 minutes ago. The kids are probably going nuts by now. Feel free to watch, otherwise I’ll talk to you later.” Jonghyun walked back to the children’s area of the library and sat down to read the books, all the while thinking about the next time he’d get a chance to talk to the gorgeous boy waiting in the front.

~

About a week after meeting him, Jonghyun was pretty certain he had a crush on Taemin. The childish, extremely not-manly kind. Where he started blushing when he thought of Taemin, and where he doodled Taemin’s name on random pieces of paper at work. It was embarrassing, really.

But it had been a long time since he felt anything like this. For anybody. He’d been numb for so long, and it was nice to be able to feel again. He heard the bell on the front desk ring, and hurried from the back to see what it was the person up front wanted.

He smiled widely when he saw Taemin standing there looking just a tad nervous.

    “What can I do for you?” he asked politely. Taemin cleared his throat and stood awkwardly for a few moments. Jonghyun was just getting ready to ask if he was alright when he spoke in a rush.

    “I was wondering if.. maybe… you’dliketogoonadatewithme?” Taemin asked hurriedly, and Jonghyun blinked. The words finally registered in his mind, and Jonghyun nodded hesitantly, suddenly feeling unsure of himself.

    “Yes. I’d like that very much,” he answered nonetheless, and was rewarded with a sweet, lighthearted smile.

    “Meet me at the café a couple of blocks from here. You know the one, right? Okay, good. I’ll be there around 7,” Taemin waved and Jonghyun watched him go before going back into the back to sort the books, feeling better about the future than he had in a long time.

~

It was the stereotypical kind of date, dinner and a movie. Jonghyun found it hard to concentrate on, though. He was too blown away by Taemin. Taemin looked so good tonight. He had put on just a touch of eyeliner to enhance his eyes and was wearing a nice cream shirt (one of those with the vest attached to them) with light grey skinny jeans.

When they finally headed back to their respective homes, Jonghyun felt lighter than he had in years.

~

Taemin laughed and joked with him, and just.. did everything right. He didn’t treat Jonghyun like he was made of glass. He didn’t look down on Jonghyun for having a job that didn’t pay much. He respected Jonghyun’s choices.

Jonghyun appreciated all that more than Taemin could possibly ever know.

It was 3 months into their relationship when Jonghyun first told Taemin he loved him. It was fast, yeah. But Taemin hasn’t seemed to mind. In fact, he threw his arms around Jonghyun’s neck and hugged him tight.

    “I love you too, Jonghyun-hyung,” he murmured lowly, and Jonghyun felt his heart soar with love.

He and Taemin had that night, and it was mind-blowing. It was sweet and passionate and just all-around perfect.

~

It was nearing Christmas time when Taemin asked Jonghyun to meet his family. They had promised to be nice to him, so Jonghyun agreed. And they were. They were lovely people.

The only person Jonghyun seemed to have a problem with was Taemin’s older brother Minho. When he saw Jonghyun, Minho’s face had paled and he turned to run. When Jonghyun asked Taemin about it later, Taemin shook his head.

    “I don’t really know, hyung. He’s shy to begin with, but I’ve never seen him do that to a person,” Jonghyun wondered over Minho’s reaction all the rest of the night, the insecure voice in his head telling him that it was because Minho hated him.

~

It was a total accident, how he found out. He was going over to Taemin’s apartment, tugging nervously on his sleeves. On their one year anniversary, Jonghyun was going to ask Taemin to move in with him. Honestly, it wasn’t that big of a step since Taemin was at his apartment all the time anyway. But he wanted to make it formal.

He stepped inside the small hallway of Taemin’s apartment and immediately heard the voices.

        “Seriously, Taemin. What the hell was that at Christmas? You brought Jonghyun-ssi to meet our family? Do you even understand how ed up that is?” Minho sounded furious and Jonghyun cringed.

    “I love him, hyung. I can’t help it. I know it’s ed up, but I just can’t stop. I love him,” and after that, Taemin burst into sobs. Jonghyun couldn’t hide any longer, so he took off his shoes and stepped in the living room.

    “What’s ed up, Taemin?” Taemin whirled around at the sound of Jonghyun’s voice. Minho had gone unnaturally still and quiet. Taemin looked like a deer caught in headlights.

    “Tell him, Taemin. He deserves to know the truth,” Minho’s voice was deadly calm. Taemin’s shoulders trembled, and Jonghyun fought the urge to comfort him. He had a feeling that what he was about to hear would be unpleasant. He had no idea how right he was.

    “First.. Please believe me when I sat that it was an accident, Jonghyun-hyung. I swear. I never meant for it to happen,” Taemin took a deep breath and sighed. “I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, only that I was late for work. I was rushing, and I swerved to try to pass this really slow car in front of me… Your sister Junghee was in the oncoming traffic... We… I’m so sorry, Jonghyun.”

    “Then, after she was buried, me and Minho-hyung looked up her family members to apologize. But when we saw actually saw you... our intentions for you changed. As guilty as I felt, I wasn’t a nice person back then, Jonghyun-hyung. Minho-hyung and I made a bet to see whether you were gay. He bet that you were flaming, and I tested his theory. Yoogeun’s visits to the library were planned.  I’m sorry.”

Taemin was crying, but Jonghyun was too angry to care. “I probably don’t have a right to say this, but I fell in love with you. I didn’t know who you really were until we started dating, and when you first told me you loved me.. I realized I loved you. I don’t deserve you, Jonghyun-hyung.”

Before Taemin even had time to process Jonghyun moving, he felt Jonghyun’s fist hit his jaw.

Jonghyun stood trembling, his fists clenched tightly. He heard ringing in his ears. He vaguely registered a hand on his shoulder and shoved it off violently.

    “Don’t.. don’t touch me,” he rasped. “I swear to god, if I ever see you anywhere near me again… I will kill you.” He hated when he felt tears sting his eyes. “And you’re damn right you don’t have a right to say you love me. Not anymore.” He walked back to the door and grabbed his shoes, so much in a hurry that he left barefoot.

He heard footsteps behind him and sped up. He wasn’t much of a runner, but judging from the sound of someone catching up to him, the other person was. Minho caught him by the arm and spun him around.

    “Look, we feel really bad--,” with all the strength in his body, Jonghyun punched Minho across the face. He heard something snap, but was too enraged to care.

    “You should leave,” Jonghyun didn’t notice that his voice was quavering with fury. The blood was rushing in his ears, making it hard to hear himself even think. Not that he really was thinking. Minho was looking at him with a sense of fear. “Before something else breaks. Whether it be your nose or your ribs is your choice.” Minho let him go, and Jonghyun started walking towards the subway slowly. He felt incredibly drained all of a sudden. His shoulders slumped and he stopped to put his shoes on just before he went into the subway.

Once the train was finally leaving for his home town, he completely relaxed in his seat and sobbed.

~

Jonghyun transferred to another city library. The one he worked at was just too close to Yoogeun’s school, and he figured Taemin might try to look for him there. He stayed with his parents for nearly a month before he decided it was okay to go back to his apartment.

His doorstep was covered with dying flowers, all of them at least a couple of weeks old. He could guess who they were from, and didn’t even take a second look at them as he stepped through his door.

The first thing that hit his nose was the smell. It smelled like the place hadn’t been aired out in days. He made a face and opened his kitchen windows immediately, but the smell lingered.

The letter on the counter caught his eye once he turned back towards his bedroom. It was addressed to him, and he frowned. He walked past it, and towards his bedroom, where the smell emanated from. The stench was awful right at his bedroom door, and when he pulled the door back, he knew why. He fell to his knees and started sobbing. He held his head in his hands, unable to bear the sight of Taemin’s mutilated corpse.

He sat there until his knees had gone numb, not believing that Taemin had resorted to such extreme measures.

He remembered the note in the kitchen, and stumbled his way back to it. He opened it hurriedly, hoping for an explanation. But when he saw the words written there, he started crying even worse.

”I’m so sorry, Jonghyun-hyung. For everything. This is all my fault. I hope that someday you can forigve me.

Even though I don't really have the right to say it anymore...

I love you.

Best wishes,

Taemin”
 

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This is so ty omg. Seriously. I worked on this for over a week and this is the that comes out.

And dude. Taemin's suicide totally wasn't planned. At all. It was literally like, at the last minute, my fingers decided to write that scene.

I think I'm burned out for a while, guys. I have plenty of inspiration, but.. idk. I can't write it. It just doesn't want to cooperate.

So it may be a while before you see me again. :<

I hope you liked it anyway.

Whether or not you guys think this is good or not, I'm still going on a hiatus from writing. Just to be clear.

~~

Til next time, loves. ^o~