Warning: Abuse

Also, this is kinda short, so it may or may not feel rushed to you guys.

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Jonghyun cried every time. Minho never came home sober anymore, and the bruises were always there to prove it. Minho never actually said the words, but Jonghyun noticed he was sorry. He always bought him nice dinners, and kissed him sweetly.

When they made love those nights, Jonghyun had to focus entirely on never flinching. It would hurt Minho deeply, knowing that Jonghyun's instinctual reaction was to flinch away from the touch. After all the blows, and harsh words. After all the nights where Minho didn't even ask, he just threw Jonghyun on the bed. Jonghyun's body had simply learned to shy away from touch.

    "What the is this?" Minho smashed a plate against Jonghyun's outstretched arm. "I thought I told you the dishes needed to be done, goddamn it!" Minho took one of the shards and carved the word LAZY on Jonghyun's arm. Jonghyun was in agony, but he never made a sound. Minho was always angrier if he made noise. His tears on his cheeks were the only signal that he was in pain.

The next morning, when Minho saw the words scabbed over, he cried. He held Jonghyun for the longest time. Then he left, because he couldn't take knowing that he was hurting the one he loved. Even if he woke up and never remembered. So he left, to try to better himself, even though deep down he knew he would never get better.

Jonghyun was shattered, because Minho had loved him somewhere under the alcohol.  He was sure of it. He was sure, goddamn it. He sobbed, and begged Minho not to go. But his pleas fell on deaf ears.

~

Jonghyun took a job at the local club as a singer. He was lonely, and his voice was a dead giveaway. People usually came up to him after the show always looking for a quick screw and then leaving. They never looked for more, and each encounter made Jonghyun feel more worthless than the last. He tried to ignore the feelings that grew inside him, he really did. But they built up and built up.

So he found another job at a host club. He quickly dropped it, though, after he realized the aching loneliness was only getting worse. He was desperate by this time. He was ready to give up and accept that he would probably die alone. Until he met Kibum.

Kibum was everything he ever dreamed. He was a gentleman and he treated Jonghyun exactly right. They never went further than holding hands and kissing sweetly on the lips. Jonghyun hated that he was scared to go further, but Kibum seemed to be understanding. Until one night, at least.

    "Please don't," Jonghyun sobbed hoarsely, even though he knew it was no use. Kibum had his hands cuffed rather tightly to the headboard. He would probably have bruises tomorrow. Kibum punched Jonghyun in the jaw, and the urge to not cry out was too strong to suppress. It had been ingrained in him the whole time he was with Minho. Kibum was the opposite of Minho, though. He wanted to hear every sob Jonghyun let out. Kibum slapped him on the other side of the face, and Jonghyun's breath left him in a rush. He prayed Kibum wouldn't be like this again, even though he knew that every night from now on would be the same.

The next morning, Jonghyun had gotten up and made breakfast for himself and Kibum like nothing had happened. But when Kibum came out of the bedroom, he stopped dead at the sight of Jonghyun. He started silently shaking and crying.

    "Did I do that to you, Jonghyun?" Jonghyun shrugged, and his face was red with embarrassment.

    "It's okay, Kibum, I asked you to," unconsciously, Jonghyun rubbed his wrists gently.

    "Don't ing lie to me," Kibum was pushing Jonghyun back into the counter harshly. "I don't tolerate lying." Jonghyun hated when tears appeared in his eyes instantly. It was stupid to cry, so so stupid.

    "I-I'm not lying Kibum," he tried to keep his voice from wavering. "I promise." Kibum punched Jonghyun in the stomach, and he whimpered. He hated the sound, it made him sound so weak. But he was, wasn't he? He was weak. He didn't deserve Kibum, Kibum deserved someone better than him. He was so ing worthless. He couldn't suppress the sobs at his thoughts, and Kibum stopped hitting him.

    "Jonghyun, babe, it'll be okay," he cooed. "Shh." Jonghyun was confused. He didn't deserve this. Kibum was being nice to him, and it was so confusing. Too confusing. But he wasn't about to refuse it, because he needed love. He needed it as much as he needed air, even though it was the wrong kind of love.

Jonghyun was so used to working that when his manager forced him to take a week off for the bruise on his face to heal, he didn't know what to do. He pretended to go to work each night, and he couldn't help sneaking around like he was guilty of something. He was lying to Kibum, and he just knew Kibum would think he was cheating if he found out.

But he couldn't tell Kibum that his manager had forced him to take off work, because that would get a worse beating and Jonghyun didn't know if he could take that. It already hurt so much. There were physical blows, sure, but the emotional and psychological blows were even worse. So bad, in fact, that Jonghyun didn't fully grasp how bad it was.

On the very last day of his unofficial vacation, Jonghyun decided to come home early. It had been a paid vacation, after all. He had bought something nice for Kibum as a token of appreciation, because no one else would love Jonghyun the way Kibum did. He was so grateful for Kibum, he really was. Kibum loved him, even though it was the wrong kind of love.

The moment he stepped in the door, he froze in shock. Kibum was and writhing under Minho. Jonghyun had never expected to see Minho again, but he'd hoped all the same. However, seeing him with his face twisted in pleasure because of another being, one who claimed to love him, broke Jonghyun in ways he couldn't comprehend.

He didn't know he had made a noise (he let out a choked sob, to be exact) until Minho's head snapped to Jonghyun and his face drained of color. Kibum looked over at Jonghyun and his eyes were full of guilt and sympathy. Minho got off of Kibum, and started towards Jonghyun, but Jonghyun backed up. He flinched when Minho laid a hand on his shoulder, and he weakly tried to get out of Minho's embrace.

    "No, no, NO!" Jonghyun shrieked, with tears coming out of his eyes. He was getting hysterical. He beat against Minho's chest without much effect. Minho held him there, and Jonghyun sobbed. He ran away as fast as he could when Minho finally let go, and he ran to the only place he could think of to run. The bar where he worked.

~

The manager was kind enough to lease the room above the bar for half of Jonghyun's weekly salary. That didn't leave him much for food, but Jonghyun didn't complain. At least Minho and Kibum couldn't find him there. He was content with his life at the moment. Jonghyun had a feeling he would never know what being happy really felt like, he was too broken. He sensed this, though he didn't comprehend how badly.

He was at work, when someone bumped into him from behind. He jumped and let out a small shriek. He couldn't stand to have people touch him anymore. When he turned around to the person, he had the breath knocked out of him. The man in front of him was blushing severely and looked extremely guilty.

    "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I'm the new busboy here," the man stuck his hand out, and Jonghyun gulped nervously before taking it gingerly. "I'm Jinki. Who're you?"

    "I'm Jonghyun," Jonghyun didn't meet his eyes for very longer, and the whole time he was tense. "I gotta go." He walked off quickly, not letting Jinki reply. He cried tears of frustration when he went upstairs. It had been months, already. Shouldn't he be healing? 'No' his mind whispered. He didn't deserve it. He was worthless. He didn't deserve to be an average person.

He saw Jinki around often after that. Jinki always made an effort to talk to him, and Jonghyun, against his instincts, started to soften. Jinki was sweet and kind. He was clumsy, which wasn't all that great considering he handled breakable cups every day. It was endearing. He reminded Jonghyun of a puppy.

    "Jonghyun... ah, do you want to go for coffee after your shift?" Jinki was red as a cherry in the face. Jonghyun was shy, and even though he was wary of Jinki's intentions he accepted. He wanted so badly to be able to return Jinki's obvious feelings.

    "Sure," he replied with a small smile and blush. Jinki hugged Jonghyun, and he stood stock still. His face drained of color, the memories of Minho's last hug flashing in his head. Even after Jinki let go, Jonghyun was frozen. He was waiting for Jinki to do something, anything. When he opened his eyes, Jinki was looking at him concernedly. Jonghyun let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and teared up. "Maybe this was a bad idea, I'm sorry Jinki."

    "Jonghyun, you can trust me," Jinki's voice had nothing but honesty and sincerity in it. "Whatever it is, tell me." Jonghyun shook his head.

    "I can't, Jinki, you'll hate me. Because I'm a , and I'm stupid and worthless,"Jinki was shocked by the words pouring out of Jonghyun's mouth. "You could never love me." Jinki started to cry, because he couldn't believe that Jonghyun believed that about himself.

    "You're not, Jonghyun. You're beautiful," Jinki cried a little harder when Jonghyun flinched while he wiped Jonghyun's tears away. The clues were obvious, even to Jinki who was oblivious most of the time. "You'll be okay, just let me help you." Jonghyun couldn't stop crying.

    "No, no I can't, I don't deserve this, what did I ever do to deserve help? Nothing. I was weak and stupid and--," he didn't get to finish as Jinki put a finger to his lips.

    "You do," Jinki gently and tenderly wrapped his arms around Jonghyun's frame and he was surprised when Jonghyun didn't tense up. "No matter what happens, you deserve to be happy Jonghyun. You do. You'll be okay Jonghyun. You'll be okay." Jinki repeated it like a mantra.

Jonghyun still didn't feel like he deserved any of Jinki's kindness, and he was sure he was accepting it with horrible manners. He wanted to be able to return Jinki's feelings at some point, whether it be a month or a year or a couple of years. He'd try to better himself, if nothing else, for the sake of not being so broken. Because he was tired of the frustration and anger and self-hatred. He was done.

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You guys are probably gonna hate me for making Minho and Key the bad guys, but I'm sorry, that's the way it was in my head. D:

So you guys... I was really inspired by Lil Wayne's song "How to Love", and the video for it. Seriously, go watch it. It's so saaad. ;~;

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Thank you for reading, my lovely you ☺ ☺ ♥♥