Warning: homophobia, derogatory language

"O-oh." Both parties froze in shock before turning to see Taemin at the door. His expression was guarded, not easily understood.

Jonghyun felt the heat of embarrassment in his face. He opened his mouth to explain why he and Jinki were in a bath together, but before he could say a word, Taemin had vanished from the doorway.

He and Jinki stared at each other sitting in the bath tub for a few moments until it occurred to Jonghyun that he probably should’ve run after Taemin.

He rushed out of the bathroom almost forgetting to wrap a towel around him.

"Taemin, wait—," the sound of the front door closing stopped him in his tracks. He hung his head, hands on his knees, and sighed. He turned to the couch, where Kibum was sitting reading a magazine.

"Hey Kibum, where’d Taemin go?" Kibum rolled his eyes, looking unimpressed.

"Are you ing deaf? He mentioned earlier that he had a recording today," Jonghyun frowned at the reply, but kept his mouth shut.

Somberly, he walked back to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. He glared at Jinki, who looked immensely apologetic.

"Why couldn’t you get Minho to wash your back," he griped angrily.

Jinki mouthed “sorry” and set about washing his torso carefully.

Jonghyun ruffled his hair, feeling frustrated. Knowing Taemin, it would be the wee hours of the morning before he came back to the dorm, and by then he’d be at Blue Night recording his show. He had no hope of Taemin coming to walk home with him, not after today.

He finally decided on going to pick a comfortable outfit for his recording later, hoping it would distract him from worrying about Taemin.

—

To say things were awkward between him and Taemin was an understatement.

It felt like they had danced around each other for so long, and now… Jonghyun was sure he’d ed it all up.

He had apologized numerous times, but Taemin always smiled his enigmatic little smile and said “it’s okay”.

He sounded like he meant it, but with Taemin it was hard to tell. He had never been able to express himself very well with words, he preferred to let his actions speak for him.

And they weren’t telling Jonghyun much either. Taemin acted the way he always had, but Jonghyun couldn’t help feeling like Taemin had distanced himself a little.

He was still contemplating the situation when Jinki came in and pouted, giving Jonghyun his best kicked puppy look.

"Oh no," Jonghyun shook his head. "Whatever it is, no. I’m not doing it."

10 minutes later, he was standing in front of the stove, flipping pancakes and grumbling about sick leaders. He flipped the pancakes over imperfectly, paying little attention to his surroundings.

He set the plate in front of Jinki unceremoniously and moved to walk away when he felt a hand grab his shirt. He sighed irritatedly, and turned.

Jinki was clutching a pair of chopsticks hopefully and he quickly grabbed the dry erase board next to him. When he brought the board up for Jonghyun to see the message, Jonghyun groaned but sat down anyway.

" 'What are friends for', my ," he complained. "Why me, hyung?" He took the chopsticks, expertly picking up a piece of food. "Minho is so much better at this kind of stuff. Besides, he’s head over heels for you."

He popped the bite of pancake in Jinki’s mouth, ignoring the pleased hum. He shook his head again. Jinki could be so childish sometimes, and at the most inconvenient times.

He stood up and turned to the fridge to get himself something to drink. He stopped dead when he saw Taemin watching him and Jinki, once again looking at the pair with an unreadable expression.

This is bad. Jonghyun swallowed, suddenly at a loss for words. He felt like he’d been caught cheating, except that he hadn’t.

"," he breathed. Taemin stiffly nodded at him and his heel, obviously intending to leave the apartment. "Taemin wait, I want to explain—," Taemin whirled and Jonghyun was startled by the lack of expression on Taemin’s face.

"You don’t owe me an explanation, hyung," he muttered dully. For some reason, it hurt Jonghyun to hear those words in that tone of voice.

"I do," he insisted. "I’m sorry, Taemin. Jinki hyung has been clingy lately. Always asking me to do stuff for him that I normally wouldn’t do." Jonghyun rolled his eyes and picked up a bottle of water to fiddle with it nervously, missing the way Taemin flinched minutely.
When Jonghyun finally turned to look at Taemin, it was only to see him slipping out the front door.

Dumbly, Jonghyun stood there and watched it happen.

—

Jonghyun felt it even more after that. Taemin wasn’t as close to him anymore.

But he insisted on acting like things were fine between them. Jonghyun couldn’t for the life of him understand Taemin’s actions.

He wanted so badly to reassure Taemin that Jinki was just an idiot and that nothing was between them but he never caught Taemin alone. Oddly enough, it almost seemed like Taemin made sure of it.

It was frustrating to say the least.

He plopped onto the couch next to Minho, listening to him practice Japanese. He let out a tired sigh and his head fell against the back of the couch.

"What’s up, hyung?" Minho asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Jonghyun shook his head slowly.

"I really messed it up, Minho," he said with a bitter smile. "Taemin has walked in on me and Jinki-hyung twice in couple-y situations. But I don’t think the explanation I gave him helped at all."

He looked over to see Minho giving him a steely glare.

"You…," Minho sighed. "Sometimes I swear, you and Jinki-hyung are the dumbest people I know."

"Hey," Jonghyun yelped indignantly. Whatever he was about to say was quickly reined in at the dark look Minho shot his way.

"You should go make things right, hyung. This has affected Taemin a lot, whether he showed it to you or not."

The guilt hit Jonghyun like a punch to the gut. He swallowed reflexively. He felt like crawling in a hole somewhere and dying.

"Please tell me you’re joking," his voice was rough and low. Minho looked shocked at the depth of feeling in his words and frowned.

"Hyung.. This isn’t healthy for either of you," he hung his head. "I promised Taemin I wouldn’t tell you where he was if you asked, but I think it’s important you go to him." Minho sighed.

"He’s hanging out with Kai today at the Exo dorm."

—

Jonghyun pulled on his sleeves fretfully. Steeling his spine, he prepared to knock again (he was an idol for Christ’s sake, he shouldn’t be nervous like a kid with a crush—)

The door opened, revealing Jongdae. He looked startled at Jonghyun’s appearance, and something grim took the place of surprise. He reluctantly opened the door further, his eyes begging Jonghyun not to come in. Jonghyun’s anxiety level heightened dramatically.

"Taemin-sunbae is in Jongin’s room, Jonghyun-sunbaenim," Jonghyun smiled slightly.

"Yah, how many times have I told you to call me hyung?" he scolded, but his heart wasn’t in it and both of them knew that. It had eased some of his worry to kid around, and his shoulders relaxed a bit.

He couldn’t help noticing the stares some of the other members of Exo gave him, unpleasantly surprised when he realized that the stares held pity. Kyungsoo looked away when he walked by. Like he knew something Jonghyun didn’t.

Everything about the current situation told Jonghyun that maybe the confrontation between him and Taemin would be better left until they were back at the dorm.  The Exo members’ reactions to his appearance had not been exactly positive, but they weren’t angry at him.  

Jonghyun didn’t know what it meant. And in the face of so many pitiful stares, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

He reached Jongin’s room, his heart pounding. He pressed his palm against his heart, massaging it to try to calm himself. It was uncharacteristic of him to be so nervous. But then, Taemin had always managed to make him nervous somehow.

He heard laughter behind the door, and straightened his posture. Jongin and Taemin were being loud. Jonghyun frowned, knowing that Taemin only got that loud if he was intoxicated.

"Ahaha, Jongin.. You shoulda seen ‘im. He was trippin’ all over himself tryin’ to apol’gize. Made me breakfast today.. I wonder what he’ll do tomorrow," Jonghyun heard Jongin laughing hysterically, a sure sign they were drunk. "Clueless."

Jonghyun’s muscles locked in place, refusing to knock on the door. He listened further, feeling sick.

"When ya gonna tell ‘im, hyung? He..," Jongin started snickering "It’d be awesome if he was here. I wanna watch when you tell ‘im."

Jonghyun’s curiosity peaked, even though he was shaking. Hearts were fragile things, and based on what he’d heard.. His was about to be broken.

"Come to think of it, Minho shoulda blabbed to ‘im I was here by now..," Jonghyun had just started walking away quickly (he still had his pride, dammit) when he heard the door opening. He cursed, and sped up.

"Jonghyun-hyung~" Taemin called sweetly. Jonghyun was almost hyperventilating with panic. He’d never been in a situation like this before, and he definitely didn’t know how to deal with it.

He turned slowly, and came face to face with a smirking Taemin.

"Hi," he replied weakly. Taemin’s expression was gleeful, like a bully who’d caught his favorite target.

"Fancy meetin’ you here," he stumbled a little, and Jongin caught him. "Are you visiting someone too?" he asked like he already knew the answer, so Jonghyun shook his head.

"N-no," he stuttered out. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw some of the Exo members start to congregate. Like onlookers at the scene of a traffic accident. It was not helping his panic level. "I’m here because I wanted to talk to you."

"Talk, then," Taemin’s eyes punctured him with harmful intent. Jonghyun clutched his chest. His heart was beating way, way too fast.

"I.. I just wanted to say that there’s nothing between me and Jinki-hyung," he said lamely. "I probably shoulda told you earlier, but.. I didn’t. I’m sorry."

To Jonghyun’s complete and utter humiliation, Taemin laughed. And laughed.

"You jus’ don’t get it, do ya Jonghyun," he flinched at Taemin’s lack of respect. "It wasn’t because I was jealous or somethin’. I was disgusted.” Jonghyun squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that wanted to fall. “You nasty ing .”

This was a nightmare turned reality. He badly wanted to deny it, but his mouth stayed stubbornly shut. Jonghyun was an honest person. He did like Taemin as more than a friend.

He was hyperventilating. His ears felt like they had been stuffed with cotton balls for all he heard.

"I.. I.. I’m s-sorry," Jonghyun said the only thing he could think of. Taemin’s lip curled with distaste.

"So it’s actually true,” he sneered. “And to think we’ve slept in the same room together, . I feel sick.”

Jonghyun himself felt sick. So sick he was about to faint. He resisted the greyness creeping into his vision as long as possible, but it was just a matter of time before he crashed to the ground.

—

When Jonghyun opened his eyes, he was propped against the wall. Taemin and Jongin were nowhere in sight, and not within hearing range either.

He felt shaky and weak. He probably looked like . He stood up, propping himself against the wall for a few minutes before he felt able to walk again.

He stumbled out into the living room, to see various members of Exo lounging around. He asked what happened, and received no answer. They astutely ignored him, like he was a ghost they couldn’t see.

Jonghyun did the same after that. He gathered the shreds of his pride and walked out the door, his back ramrod straight.

When he got back to his own dorm, Jinki was waiting for him on the couch. Anger morphed to concern when he got a good look at Jonghyun. He wrote quickly on his dry erase board, and held it up questioningly.

" ‘Am I okay?’ ” Jonghyun mused. He forcibly relaxed his face.

No, he was not okay. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But Jinki didn’t know that.

"Yeah, hyung. I’m just fine."

Hope y'all enjoy. c: