Donghae’s POV

"Donghae ah." A familiar voice that I have not heard for a long time called me. I turned to my left and my heat jolted in joy when I saw Heechul hyung sitting right next to me. "Hyung..." I smiled uncontrollably at him, but a pitch of sadness crept into my heart and I couldn't remember why. We were sitting on a bench in a forest where uncountable number of green trees surrounded us. The trees were so high that I couldn't even see the top though the canopy provided cool shade and I could hear the birds chirping cheerfully in the branches; their voices clear and high. Heechul hyung was staring straight ahead into the depths of the forest as a smile played on his lips. "Hae, if I died, and everyone else died or suffered because of you, what will you do?" I frowned, confused by how serious and sudden his question was. My eyes lowered to the ground as I pondered the question. "I would probably kill myself." I answered in a surprisingly calm manner. Heechul hyung's smile turned wishful, his voice light. "Is that why you are here now?" 

I jolted to consciousness with my face drenched wet with tears and guilt gnawing upon my conscious. Did everything that happened, even Heechul and Han kyung hyungs' death, all my fault? If I didn't make Leeteuk hyung expose Lee Soo Man's crimes in public, would Lee Soo Hyuk not have seeked revenge on us by kidnapping Teuk hyung, Ryeowookie and Hyuk? Hyuk... he wouldn't have been and stabbed... Hyuk! Those blood! Where is he? Where am I? Why are the lights so blinding in my face? Why does my head and body feel so heavy? I must have made some noise because the next moment, KiBum's face appeared and covered the blinding white lights momentarily. "Donghae hyung? How are you feeling? Can you hear me?" 

I swallowed painfully, my voice cracking with my patched throat, "Where's Hyukhae?" 

"He's resting in the room right next to yours.. no... don't... Hyung, you just went through a major brain surgery, you need to let your body rest." I struggled futilely against KiBum's strong hold; my body still too weak from the surgery. "Is he... the stab wound..." Anxiety prevented me from completing my sentences but it did not prevent me from seeing the look that Kibum and Siwon exchanged at my question. "What happened?! Hyuk... Hyukjae, is he..." Siwon stepped forward to prevent me from getting off the bed, "Eunhyuk is alright. Drink some water and see if you can get some food into your system before we update you about Eunhyuk's condition." Siwon persuaded me. While I drank and ate whatever small amount that I could, they explained to me that it has been three days since we rescued the members. Within that few days, Leeteuk hyung has been discharged from the hospital but he has been staying by Eunhyuk's side, guarding over him day and night. Hyukjae lost the sensation of his legs from the stab wound, electrocution and post trauma of the kidnap and . He was so traumatized by the whole incident that he has refused to let anyone go near him except for Teuk hyung. No one knew how he might react to me. In addition, he had no recollection of the rap nor the part of how he got rescued. The psychiatrist has been trying to make him recall but Eunhyuk haven't been cooperating. "Hae, Eunhyuk... he haven't spoken other than the time when he first woke up. Now even Leeteuk hyung couldn't coax a single word out of him. His only reaction to any of our words is a chilly look. You have to be prepared when you see him; not to be too surprised over his reaction." My heart tightened at his words as past bad memories assaulted me. "How far has he withdrawn? Is it similar to when... Hankyung hyung died?" Siwon's eyes darkened at the reminder of the other two members we have lost while Kibum shook his head at my question. They attempted to describe to me Hyukjae's current situation. I listened to them quietly but my heart grew happier as time passed. I desperately wanted to rush to his side; to see with my own eyes that he was alive and breathing but my body refused to cooperate. My head felt really heavy and I couldn't sit up for long without feeling a wave of nauseousness. After repeated assurance from both of them that they will bring me over to see Eunhyuk once I felt strong, I fell back to sleep. 

When I woke up a few hours later, they got a wheelchair and pushed me to Eunhyuk's room. Only Leeteuk and KangIn hyung were in the room. KangIn hyung who were standing closest to the door, away from Eunhyuk, nodded at me when I was wheeled in. I nodded back before settling my gaze immediately on Hyukjae who was awake and silent. The pair of eyes I met held no warmth at all. Like a brittle winter, his eyes were so cold that it was like a field of green grass that has been frozen over and blanketed in blinding white. I couldn't help but shiver at how cold and harsh his gaze was.

This was different. This was not the same situation as when we lost Heechul and Hankyung hyung. His eyes then were blank and hollow; trapped in a dark abyss that separated him from us. Back then, I knew that he was in there somewhere and I could get him back. This... Siwon cautiously pushed me forward but all of a sudden, I lost the courage to be so near him. "Stop." I blurted out, my eyes still on Hyukjae. Siwon halted suddenly at my word and everyone in the room froze in surprise. I clenched the handles of the wheelchair anxiously, my brain reeling at what should be my next step. If I were to ask to leave the room now, would Hyukkie think that I've come to despise him because of what happened? But if I stayed, how am I supposed to stop him from looking at me so cold. As if... as if he was already so sick and tired of this world that all he can think of is death. At that thought, my heart skipped a beat.

"Stop. Looking. At. Me. Like. That. Lee. Hyuk. Jae." Everyone's jaw dropped to the ground at my sudden outburst but Eunhyuk didn't even blink and continued staring at me with those icy eyes. I felt my brows furrowing into a frown at his reaction. "Donghae..." Leeteuk hyung stepped forward and blocked me from Eunhyuk, almost like a protective mother hen guarding her chicks. Ignoring Leeteuk hyung, I gathered strength and rolled myself forward, getting closer to Hyukjae. Teuk hyung looked as if he was about to block me for a second time when KangIn hyung passed by me from the back and touched him gently by the arm and shook his head, "Jungsoo." Meeting the unwavering assurance in his lover's eyes, Teuk hyung stepped away, and I pushed myself as close to the bed as I could. "Hyukjae..." I whispered to an unreactive Hyukjae whose eyes wouldn't stop boring into me, as if those eyes could scare me away. Yet, it nearly succeed. It wasn't until I was about to touch him when he finally gave a different reaction. He flinched so sharply away from me that I jumped at that sudden movement. Fear rapidly crept into his eyes and his already pale skin whitened by another shade. My hand stopped in mid air, "I... I just wanted to touch you, Hyukjae. Does it... make you uncomfortable?" He did not answer but his body couldn't stop shaking. I clenched my fingers into a fist and slowly retracted my hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hyukjae..." With that useless apology, the tears that I had bottled up within me flowed like an open tap. I felt entirely helpless, both physically and mentally. When I saw the state of Eunhyuk, I wasn't sure if I had what it would take to help bring him back to the normal Lee Hyuk Jae that I have always known and love. He was too broken. I didn't know how I could help him. I saw the cruel and undeniable truth through his cold, flat eyes that this was beyond what love could heal. As time passes, his physical wounds would eventually heal but the old Hyukjae would never be back. That gaping darkness in his soul, how am I supposed to fill it up? 

Eunhyuk’s POV 

The days in the hospital were starting to get longer and longer. It was another new day; I didn't know how long I slept but I eased into wakefulness without a single feeling of fear or anxiety. In fact, I felt nothing but a stronger sense of detachment from this world. My eyes bored into the same ceiling that I have been looking for the past three days and I had absolutely no thoughts going through my mind. "Hyukkie," Leeteuk hyung noticed that I was awake and called out gently. I felt my eyes shifting to look at him. "How are you... feeling?" No words came to my mind. Rather than wanting to speak, I was more compelled to just keep my lips shut and not work my throat at all. It was as if I was watching the world and its furry of activities through a glass house. I was inside, separated from all of them. My eyes flickered back to the ceiling before I shut my eyes again. The doctors have been trying to find ways to make me feel my legs but they all failed. One of the ways they attempted was to make me recall the stab itself but I couldn't remember anything fromm it. I couldn't even recall the exact details of the other than my body's subconscious fear of any male who came too near. The last memory I had... I could only remember the charred scent of flesh burning wafting through my nose and the rest were all darkness. Other than that, there was only a slight remembrance of a short warm in the midst of the darkness but then it was gone so fast that I wondered if it was even real. I overheard the psychiatrist explaning to Teuk hyung that my brain was trying to protect myself and that it was good to perhaps just leave me to it until a trigger happened and made me recall the incident. I wanted them to all leave me alone. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I do not want to recall any of those memories. If I can, I want to just sleep and one day not wake up again.  

They felt me alone for the next few hours until there was a sudden flurry of movements by the door and I heard distinctly the sound of wheels scraping against the floor. They came in quietly without a word and I opened my eyes to see who was it. When I met his eyes, nothing stirred within me; my emotions were like a dead pool of water. My eyes followed him as Siwon pushed him nearer to me. I registered the visibly weariness and thinness of his face then I saw his eyes widening at the sight of me and a flash of pain and... fear in his eyes. He curbed the fear down quickly and I saw another emotion replacing it when his voice cut across the quiet room and I recognized the anger in his voice. When Teuk hyung momentarily blocked him from my sight, I pondered at the lack of emotions and wondered if I no longer loved him. Are my emotions as dead as my pair of legs? When he pushed himself forward and reached a hand towards me, my body suddenly reacted and I felt myself shunning away from him. My heart began to pound and my ears began to buzz loudly within my head; I saw his lips moving but no words or sound registered in my ears. When he started crying, my world began to spin and I felt a click in the hidden latch in my brain that was unconsciously blocking all the pain, agony and despair. I realized that my brain was protecting me and he was once again making me feel. I did not want to feel anything, not now, not ever. Why is it that he could always break through the protective layer that I had wrapped around myself? I need to stop him from doing that. I need to... I... I wanted to... I felt my throat working and the words that came out a hoarse whisper from so many days of not speaking, said, "Hae, kill me." I watched as his face paled and unsurprisingly, he shook his head, "No!" Something flickered across my face; the suppressed emotions within me unleashed like a hurricane bent on destroying the world as I felt hatred seeping into my eyes. "You guys should have left me alone to die then. Why did you all save me?"