past (still haunts you)
Skinny Love
~chapter twenty-eight~
past (still haunts you)
____________________________________________
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds.
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me.
Mari took a cup of coffee from the coffee machine and hissed. Her fingertips gor burned; a thin plastic couldn't possibly protect her skin from boiling water. She blew into the cup a few times and made her way towards Jaejoong's room.
He wasn't able to talk properly for the past few days. The doctors said that all his organs were allright, and he was lucky enough that only his muscle got hit. It didn't mean that everything was good, though, because his muscles were in shreds.
She came in in the same moment a nurse was giving Jaejoong food.
"I'll do it" she said, putting her coffee away. The nurse gave her the plate and exited the room.
"How're you feeling?" Mari asked, because it was the first time Jaejoong woke up this day. He blinked at her a few times and nodded.
"Better" he admitted. "You have been here all this time?"
Mari bit her lip. It all reminded her of the times she was taking care of her mom. A painful pang shred her heart and her breathing became shallow; she tried to cover it somehow, and Jaejoong didn't realize. She started giving him food.
Jaejoong was always incredibly handsome and has some flawless features. Even when Mari was younger, she was jealous of him somehow. She knew that it was completely pointless and stupid. Now Jaejoong looked tired and wrecked, and he was pale, and his lips were chapped. She was staring at the skin cracking, and Jaejoong observed her.
"I bought you lipstick" she said. At this, Jaejoong started caughing and almost made Mari drop her plate. "Uh..."
"Sorry" Jaejoong said. Mari gave him a tissue. "Lipstick?"
"Your lips are all chapped" she said, sighing.
"Oh" Jaejoong only said. He ate in silence and Mari didn't dare to look him in the eye.
"Police was here" she said. "You were asleep, but they'll be back to take your testimony"
"What did you say?"
"I said that I was out with you when they just appeared and tried to rob us. But you didn't give them the money right away so one of them panicked and shot a gun. Then they ran away"
"Are they going to interrogate your friend, too?" Jaejoong asked, and his tone got cold and a little bit sarcasstic. Only then Mari looked him in the eyes, sending a warning, and Jaejoong frowned.
"They already did. He said the same thing. Now it's your turn"
Jaejoong didn't question it. He knew that they can't give that case to the police, that they can't do anything. He nodded and just hoped that they won't tire him with questions too much.
"Did you say that they were wearing masks?" he asked to be sure, and Mari nodded.
When he finished eating, Mari stood up.
"I'm gonna go talk to the-"
Jaejoong grabbed her wrist suddenly. Not violently. He barely touched her, and his hand was cold as ice. Mari frowned at him and sat down, and took his hand into hers out of a habit. Every time her mom would have such cold hands, she would warm them up. She didn't even realize when she stared rubbing their hands together. It made her feel embarassed. They never had this much of a physical contact in the past.
But Jaejoong hummed and smiled suddenly. It was a soft smile, barely visible. Mari let out a hitched breath.
"Why can't you let me pay off your debt?" Jaejoong asked. Mari just sighed.
"We talked about it already"
"Yes, but you were never serious and honest with me"
Her brother's eyes were pleading. When he laid there, all sad eyes and a machine beeping beside him, Mari couldn't get the image of her mom out of her head and it made her insides twist and scream. She wanted to get out of this hospital so badly.
"I want to pay it off by myself" she said. "On my own. With my own strenght, with my own money. I want to show father that I'm capable of doing this. That he was a coward and he's not a man, since his daughter is stronger than him in every aspect of his life" she finally said.
"So it's a revenge?" Jaejoong asked, his voice quiet.
"It is" Mari admitted, closing her eyes and squeezing his hand. "Gosh, I can't believe that I'm so..."
Jaejoong squeezed her hand back.
"You're fine" he said. "I'm not surprised. I'd do the same if I was you"
Mari snapped her eyes open.
"What?"
Her brother laughed, but it made him hiss. He nodded with a fond smile.
"I never liked him. He never cared about me or my mom. Did you really think that he left you to be with me?" Mari blinked a few times. "Oh, you do"
The red haired just shook her head, but didn't deny it.
"He was a prick" Jaejoong said. "Do you know what kept me going all this time I was away from you? Do you know what made me so succesful?" Mari shook her head. "The thought of me sticking my fist up his throat"
The girl laughed and Jaejoong smiled widely, hearing it.
"But I can't deny that I was being a to you" he said with a deep sigh.
"Did you just apologize to me?"
"That's all you gonna get"
Mari laughed, throwing her neck back.
"That's a lot to take in, actually" she chuckled, and Jaejoong puffed the air out of his lungs.
"I just wanted to be better than him" he then said. "I earned the money because I wanted to be better than him. That's why I was so persistent in giving them to you"
"I was a too" Mari squeezed his hand. Jaejoong laughed openly. The red haired frowned and looked somewhere in the air. "That wasn't the right word"
Jaejoong only laughed louder.
~*~
"So what happens with his firm now?" Kai asked when they were walking towards Mari's workplace. He was sipping on a milkshake, and Mari was eating a sandwich.
"His representative came to the hospital today to sort all the things out. He just went on vacation. As soon as he gets better, he has to be back in the firm"
"Then... Did you two sort things out?" Kai asked, slurping loudly.
"Yeah, we did" Mari nodded. "Sounds weird, doesn't it"
"Did you ask me a question? Because it didn't sound like one"
Mari laughed and nudged him.
"Also, we made a deal" she sighed.
"What deal?" that got Kai's attention. He abandoned his chocolate milkshake and looked at her.
"We went for a compromise" Mari said. "He's not paying off my debt, but he gives me one/fifth of the money every month"
Kai thought about it for a few minutes and hummed. He took a sip of his shake again.
"That's fair" he admitted. "That's a good deal"
"Yeah, I think so too"
"I still think he's a though"
"Me too"
They laughed and Mari took Kai's shake to drink the rest. Kai bickered at first but when he saw how much she likes the taste, he gave up.
"But I am too" Mari said.
"What?"
"A "
"Do I have to remind you that you're female?"
"You get the reference"
Kai chuckled fondly.
"Did he even say something about me?" he asked after a few minutes of fast walking. Mari frowned.
"Like what?"
"Like, tell him 'thank you' for saving me?"
Mari laughed, throwing her head back. Kai pouted.
"What? I'm serious"
"I don't think that he even remembers you being there" Mari said. "Wait, no, he asked if you got interrogated by the police. And that's all"
"No threating? That's development" Kai smirked, and the red haired looked guitly.
"Sorry about that time" she said. "He's short tempered"
"No, I'm happy that you guys are okay. That also means that I won't get punched by him again, right?"
"I wouldn't be so sure of that" Mari said, raising her brows at him and sipping on his shake.
"Are you kidding me?" Kai flails. "I got punched in the gut by him for nothing. He went all Star Wars on me, you know? This is not the girl you'll help out"
"Your puns so much, I think that my insides just got completely dry"
"Man, I love Star Wars"
"What about Taemin? Did he give you a curfew or something?"
"Why'd you ask that?" Kai turned to her, and Mari shrugged.
"He seemed really pissed when he came to the hospital"
Kai sighed heavily.
"Yeah, he was mad. But I think that it was because he was worried. Also, he's not my mother to give me curfews"
Mari felt guilty. Every time Kai was with her, she put him into danger.
"I still can't believe you followed me" she mumbled under her nose.
"But nothing happened"
"But it could have!" Mari suddenly stops in her tracks and turns to him, fogetting her sandwich or shake. Kai jumps in place, because she flails so violently. "You promised me you wouldn't try to find them or do anything like that! All this time you were able to keep your distance, and all of a sudden you decided to be a hero? You don't even know how mad I am at you!"
She stomps away like an angry puppy, but Kai is shocked and tense. He runs towards her and grabs her wrist.
"Nothing happened" he says, every word like a hiss. "I was worried about you, about you going there alone. It's not my fault that your brother also decided to show up in the picture"
"It doesn't change anything, it could've been you!" Mari says, pointing a finger at him. Her eyes are furious.
"I couldn't take it anymore, don't you get it? I can't watch you being so scared all the time anymore! I want to help you, I want to-"
"Kai?"
They both turn back at the same time.
Suho is standing in front of them, with disbelief and shock on his face.
"Hyo Rim" the older boy says, and Kai can feel his stomach drop, sudden, cold breeze making him shiver. He glances at Mari and then at Suho, and the girl tilts her head and smiles.
"Hey" she says. "Off work already?"
Suho nods and makes their way towards them. Kai can see Mari playing with her fingers nervously.
"You work together?" he asks.
"Yeah, a few months already" Mari nods. "You know each other?"
"He's my friend" Suho says. "And we live together"
Mari suddenly becomes really pale. She glances at Kai and sees his dumbfounded, a bit shocked expression, and she knows that she's not the only one missing a piece of puzzle here.
"I've never seen you together" Mari says, but her voice is quiet.
"He usually works" Kai says. "With you, as it seems"
"What a small world" Suho laughs. "So you're the one he messages all the time, huh?"
"No, that's..." Kai points at him and then at Mari, and his hands do some weird gesture even he don't understand. "No, that's... Mari, remember? I talk with Mari. Hyo Rin here is just a collegue"
"Hyo Rim" Mari says under her nose.
"Hyo Rim" Kai coughs.
Suho is eyeing him suspiciously, but decides to drop it.
"Okay. I have to go grocery shopping, but it's in the other direction" he says. His voice is bitter. "I'll see you home. And, Hyo Rim" Mari looks at him with wide eyes. "We're still on on Saturday, right?"
"Sure", the girl nods, but she looks unsure. Suho beams and waves at them.
"Bye guys"
"Buy me cocoa!" Kai shouts after him. His voice is weak and breaks on the last letters.
He and Mari stand there for a minute before either of them moves. Finally, Mari looks up at him and sees his pissed off expression.
"What?" she asks.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kai spats, turning to her.
"I had no idea he's your friend"
"And I had no idea that you had a boyfriend" Kai deadpans and turns on his heel. Mari opens to say something, but before she can, Kai is already walking away.
"I don't!" she shouts. "You're acting like a child, Kai, you know that!"
Something is boiling inside him. He doesn't know what is it; if it's jealously, or anger, or broken pride. He feels stupid, and he feels betrayed, and he doesn't even know why. Mari didn't know that Suho was his friend, and Suho didn't even know that Mari is Mari and not Hyo Rim.
Still, he feels stupid.
What was he even thinking? He acts as if he's Mari's boyfriend. He's not. She has every right to go out with anybody she wants, and if it's Suho, Kai knows that he'd make her totally happy. He just can't get this awful feeling out of the pit of his stomach, and he can't make myself forget about painful squeezing in his chest.
~*~
"You okay?" Taemin asks, sitting beside him on the couch. Kai is drinking a beer and staring blankly into the air. He slowly looks at his friend. "You look tired"
Kai sighs.
"I kinda fought with Mari" he says.
"Kinda? You can't kinda fight with a girl"
"I got mad at her and I acted like a little child, and she got mad at me too, and I walked away. So yeah, I guess that I had a fight with her"
This time Taemin sighs.
"You know that I'm not good in those couple-y things" he says, and before Kai can interrupt, he adds: "Yes, I know, you're not a couple. But she's important to you so shut up"
Kai lets is slip.
"You were always the one who could get all the girls" Taemin says. "You knew how to handle their anger and what to do to make them all cute and smiley again"
"But it's not the same" Kai says. "No girl is like Mari"
Taemin chuckles, but nods. "Yeah, she's special. But that's why you shouldn't be afraid. Just be honest with her, say you're sorry. She's not like anybody else. Being yourself will be enough for her"
Kai hums. He feels the same way he felt after breaking up with Sang Hee. His eyes gets misty and he remembers all those moments he was out of it. Most of the time he didn’t even feel like doing anything at all. Or listening to people. Or even being around them. So he hid up in his room, and slept more than he’d slept in his entire life. He was sure that everyone were talking about him, but every time someone tried to intercede, Kai walked away. That was very effective. Walking away. Kai had his rude moments but he never just ignored people before. They didn’t know how to handle it.
He wanted to ignore people again. He wanted to go to sleep. He was just so worn out, and he didn't like that feeling. He didn't like that memory, he didn't like his stomach twisting at this memory.
"I gotta go" Taemin says and claps him on the shoulder. "Talk to her, it's gonna be fine" he adds, smiles, and Kai is listening to his footsteps and rustle of his jacket, and tingling of his keys. Taemin is gone soon.
Kai is alone again, but not for long. He's making himself a bowl of cereals when Suho enters the kitchen and crosses his arms on his chest; he leans on the counter and Kai glances at him. It's not as discrete as he thinks.
"I know you like her" Suho says. Kai freezes. "I've seen your eyes when I asked her about Saturday. I know that she's the one you're texting all the time"
His stomach is twisting again. Gosh, he doesn't remember the last time he didn't want to throw up. Lately he feels like he's going to all the time.
"But I won't give up on her" Suho says, and with that, he's out of the kitchen.
Kai is simply standing there, like an idiot, holding a bowl. Milk is boiling in the pot and he turns off the gas. Then he curls his fingers and hit the counter, and he can feel his knuckles crack.
~*~
Kai decides that working as a model is not easy at all.
He realizes that one day, when he's posing for a photo, a suddenly everybody is throwing different suggestions at him. He tries to remember it all and tries each oner of them in some kind of order. But then he's said that he .
It all gets even worse when his photographer puts his camera away and gives him the talk. Next thing he knows, he's sitting in the hallway, still in his photo shoot clothes (skinny jeans, leather boots, black loose tank top with some band name on it and plaid shirt around his hips) and sighs like his life depends on it.
"Harsh day?" he hears, and recognizes the voice right away. Sulli is standing beside him, smiling, holding a cup of coffee. "Just so you know, I usually don't make coffee for models, and I am certainly not flirting with you, as I have the most amazing boyfriend on earth, but it looks like you need something to cheer you up. Sadly, I don't have weed, so coffee it is"
"Do I look like a weed type of guy?" Kai decides to ask, ignoring the whole long sentence and smirking. Sulli eyes him up and down.
"Right now? You kinda do" she admits and sits beside him. Kai takes the coffee from her and nods as a 'thank you'. "So what's gotten into your pants?"
Kai chokes and thanks god he doesn't stain his jeans.
"You can't say things like that!" he shouts, wiping the fluid from his mouth. Sulli laughs.
"Okay, let's start again. Why are you so moody today? I heard that your photoshoot went terrible"
"Oh, the whole agency knows already?" Kai scoffs, and he's not sure if the bitter taste in his mouth it entirely coffee. "I, uh" he starts, scratching his head. "I got into a fight? I mean, I did something stupid and now someone I like is mad at me. Even though it was my fault. That. Situation. And I was the one to stop talking, actually, she just went with it. And I think that she's not really mad, but I feel really stupid and I'm not in the mood for apologizing and stuff"
"And stuff"
Kai sighs. He scratches his head even harder.
"It was all just a big misunderstanding, nothing more. And my stupid pride"
"Men tend to have a really ty pride. Like... they're so proud when it comes to their image, but they can't be proud in really important things" Sulli says, and Kai thinks that he should be offended, but he's not. "Just apologize to her. Girls aren't that hard to crack, I'm telling you. Be honest and give her a present or something. You're earning quite much now, right? You can make her dream come true or something"
"Yeah, if you can find me a warehouse or something" Kai sighs.
"Why. The hell. Would you want a warehouse" Sulli asks, every word very clear, and she turns to the side to face him with her whole body. "Are you planning a murder?"
"What? No!" he shouts, making a face. "Jesus, that's sick!"
He takes a gulp of coffee and holds it in his mouth. He has been thinking about a place for Mari that no one would know it exists. A place where she could paint and sleep from time to time, somewhere on the outskirts of town, with huge windows and a lot of light. She would keep her paintings there, too.
He doesn't hear Sulli talking before she starts snapping her fingers at him.
"I can ask Siwon if he has something like that" she says. "I mean, that dude had like twenty buildings all over the city"
"Are you serious?" Kai frowns.
"About asking, or about the buildings?" Sulli smiles. Kai wants to answer, but decides not to. He gives her the now empty cup of coffee and stands up.
"That would be great" he says.
He walks towards the photosession room, but turns back in the last second and goes to the bathroom. He sits on the sinks and stays there.
He can't get rid of that awful feeling of uneasiness. He haven't felt it for a long time, now it was back; he was thinking about all the things Suho said about "Hyo Rim" and about all the things he had with Mari. His head was starting to ache from all thr stress and nervous tangling, and he knew that something wasn't right. He just didn't know what.
Kai's mind worked like a book; you opened one page, you turned to another, and another, until you've read the whole book. And that was exactly what happened again. One second he was thinking about Mari and Suho; next second, there was his mom on his mind, and that lead him to his father, who was now in prison. Because of him. That lead him to Donghae and gangsters, and that made him remember the pain on fists on his whole body. That made him think of his not so graceful high school years and Sang Hee, and that just made his whole heart break.
He didn't even realize his heavy breathing. His muscles got so tense that he couldn't move, and there was something wrong with his stomach.
He somehow ran into the bathroom stall and bend down to throw up, but nothing come out; his throat was too tightly squeezed to do anything beside an awful sound of throwing up without any actual throwing up.
He was sitting there, breathing with difficulty, and didn't know what was going on.
The funniest thing was that his photographer found him. At first he asked him if he had taken anything, and then gave him a lift back home, of which Kai couldn't remember anything. No one was home, so he went to sleep, but he couldn't really sleep. When Suho came back, he was pretending to sleep; when Taemin was back, he knew right away that something isn't right, and the first thing he did was giving Kai a big slap in the cheek. It wasn't hurtful, because it wasn't a punishment slap, but a friendly one.
It was their sign, somehow. Every time when Kai ran away from his house to Taemin's, Taemin showed him that there's bad and good pain; and Taemin provided him the good one, which made Kai realize that he was alive, and not alone.
"What happened?" he asked, and he didn't even take his hand off Kai's neck. Kai was laying on the couch, on his right side, and Taemin was on the floor, his legs crossed, leaning a bit towards his younger best friend.
"I don't know" Kai admitted. "I got panicked. A lot. I feel like a teenage girl"
Taemin looked weak and sad, and very worried.
"But everything is okay now, remember?" he whispered. "Your mom is safe, your dad it paying for what he did, we're all safe, you got a great job, you... God, Kai, you started sleeping. Not too much, but when was the last time you've slept for whole three hours? Five years ago?" he chuckled. "And when was the last time you were thinking about Sang Hee?"
"Today, actually" Kai sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Well, not really, she just crossed my mind"
"Exactly"
Kai had no idea what was going on, honestly.
"I'm such a mess" he said, and Taemin pursued his lips.
"You're just one of those people" he said. "You're panicking over everything. But it's not your fault"
"Then whose fault is it?" Kai sat up, and Taemin took his hand back. "And if you say that it's my father's, I'm going to punch you"
"But you know that it all started from him!" Taemin shouted suddenly. Kai shivered. "You weren't like this before he started beating you up. You're acting like he's still here, like he's watching your every move just like he used to. Like everything you do is getting judged and you'll get beaten up for your every move. But it's not like that"
Kai started at him with wide eyes. He looked down at some point, something burning in his stomach.
"No one is judging you and every problem can be solved. You've got me, remember? We'll go through it"
"I lost the count of times you saved my sorry " Kai said, grabbing his hair and pulling it a bit. It gave his hands something to do and felt good. "I'm just so weird all the time"
"That's what past makes to you" Taemin said. "That ing prick, I wish that I was the one to give him the beating-"
Kai's phone started buzzing and they both jumped. Kai growled and laid down again, hiding his head under the pillow. Taemin took his cell and actually picked it up.
"What warehouse?" he made a grimace, and Kai was already on his feet. He snatched the phone from his friend and ran towards the doors.
~*~
"So that's it" Siwon made a disgusted face, trying to get rid of the dirt and dust from his perfect suit. "I don't really see the point of you buying it from me"
Kai just hummed, not entirely listening to him.
"At first it was supposed to be my garage, but I decided it's too far away from the city. Although it would be great for my cars it's not like I would be able to sleep knowing that my babies are here, completelu unprotected" Siwon continuesd. "Did you know that..."
Kai stopped listening from then on.
The warehouse was huge. It was wooden, but only from the inside; it was protected with solid concrete and something to stop the walls from getting moisty. On every wall there was a huge window, and the whole space, even though it was really dirty and covered with thick layer of dust, was beautifully lit up by the sun. The walls were painted white.
"You'd have to get new panels for the floor, but I'd leave the walls the way they're, it was troubling enough to paint them the first time" Siwon mumbled. "Are you serious about buying it?"
"Yeah, pretty serious" Kai nodded. The werehouse was two kilometers away from the city, but it was easy to get here by the bus. Kai already checked the timetable.
"Why?" Siwon asked, sarcasm and shock very hearable in his voice.
"My friend is looking for a place to store things" he said. It wasn't completely true, but it wasn't a lie either. Siwon hummed. "How much?"
"Not much" the older man sighed. "I bought it really cheap. And now you're working for me, so let's say I'll just take five percent from your every pay and stop until I'm satisffied.
"That's good enough"
Siwon chuckled.
"You have no businessman sense" he said.
"I've never been making any deals with real businessmen" Kai admitted.
"Oh, so you're working with the shady guys?"
Kai smirked and wanted to elbow him, but Siwon dodged, reacting with a smile.
"So you're that type of guy" he mussed.
"What type?"
"Don't touch me until I've knows you for two months. How did you endure all those makeup artists that touched you?"
Kai didn't answer, but he did smile under his nose. He tried to hide it quickly, but Siwon was intelligent enough and knew how people acted in various situations. They didn't say a word for another seven minutes, until Kai decided that he wants to buy the place and Siwon agreed. They shook hands and drove away.
The first thing Kai did after going back home was search the internet for some nice floor panels and interios designs. Taemin sat beside him with a bowl of popcorn and they started discussing about the whole thing.
They ended up arguing about the shelf, but it didn't matter, because Kai was totally happy.
~*~
"Thanks for letting me stay" Sang Hee said, putting her arm on his shoulder and rubbing it gently. Kai tried not to choke on his coffee.
"You need to stop doing that" he said, putting the cup down.
"Doing what?"
"Sneaking without a noise"
"Sneaking usually requires making no noise and is a part of it"
Kai raised his brows and looked at her with questioning eyes.
"I'll be out in an hour" Sang Hee said, smiling like a cat. She changed, Kai noticed, and he furrowed his brows because she looked so out of herself. Or maybe she was always like this, he just didn't notice it before.
"Better do it before Taemin and the rest wakes up" Kai said, turning back to put his cup into the sink. When he did that, he felt a pair of hands on his abdomen and froze.
"I don't want to go so quickly" Sang Hee whispered, and this time her tone was normal, hurt, even. "I want to stay here, with you"
Her hand slowly travelled down his thigh and Kai took a shaky breath. Sang Hee giggled.
"You still like the same things" she said.
"It's not hard to please a man" Kai said and grabbed her wrist. He pulled it back, but she started moving her other hand and didn't stop.
"Come on, Kai" she pleaded. "I miss you"
Kai bit his lip; Sang Hee turned him towards her gently, her hands rubbing him and making his breath hitch. He opened his eyes, all lust blows, and tilted his chin up, looking at the girl from up.
Sang Hee planted a kiss on his lips and he forgot about their past for a few seconds. When she gently parted his lips with her tongue, he gave up entirely. He grabbed her thighs and pulled her up, placing her on the counter and embracing her, fitting perfectly between her thighs, and Sang Hee moaned with pleasure when he moved his hips.
Kai woke up violently and he felt shiver roll through his whole body. He was sweaty and his breath was too fast. He literally jumped out of his bed, tangled his feet in his own clothes and hit the floor with a loud thud.
He must've woken up Suho, because he heard a growl and something falling from the other room.
It was six in the morning. Sun was slowly peeking through the windows, making the walls glow. Kai's skin was glowing too, little droplets of sweat covering his neck and cheeks.
He hasn't dreamed of her for a few months already. No, he wasn't sleeping well, but he also wasn't having bad dreams. He was able to get around four hours of sleep at night, and that was more he could get in past two years.
And from all the dreams he could be having, he had this one.
Kai knew that if he would wait a little bit more with waking, he would see Sang Hee kissing him goodbye and saying, that she's not coming back this time. He would look at her go, and he would never see her again.
The pain he felt all over again at that time was wrecking. And, iddly, the first person he saw right now was Mari. The realization hit him and he thought that if he won't apologize, he might never see her again.
He acted like a child and abandoned her after making so many promises and spending so much time together. He make her know and feel that she's not alone and then he just abandoned her, got angry over a little thing.
He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Suho had a crush on her. They they've been spending time with the same person all this time, past those long months. It was unbelievable.
He stood up right then and went to Suho's room. He has never stormed in before, but he surely did then. His room was dark and tidy as always, and the older boy opened his eyes immediately, light sleeper that he is.
"I'm not in love with her" Kai said, his voice strong and confident. "But she means a world to me, and I also mean as much to her. She was the person who got me out of that ridiculous shell of mine, and she's the person who now makes my life a little bit better. That's why I won't give up on her either"
Suho looked dumbfounded and angry at first, but his face quickly softened and became resignated. Kai felt a pang of guilt when the older boy rubbed his eyes and sighed deeply, covers rustling under his every move.
"You just don't know yet" he said then, and this time it was Kai's turn to frown. Suho looked up at him, his hair looking like a bird nest and his playful. There was a little smile on his lips.
"Don't know what?"
"Come here" Suho yawned. "If you've already woken me up so early we can at least have a talk"
Kai almost swallowed. He went towards the bed and sat in front of his hyung.
"You look tired" Suho said. Kai shrugged. "So when did you meet her? And why did you call her Mari?"
Above all the things Kai couldn't let him know her name. It was a heavy matter for one, and for second, even if he didn't know, he felt special for knowing her real name. "Mari is a nickname. She doesn't like it much"
"So how long have you known each other?", Suho continued.
"I understand that you haven't asked her that on your date?" Kai snickered, scratching the back of his neck. He really wanted not to sound jealous, but it didn't quite work out. He didn't even know why he was jealous.
"No, I haven't, because she wouldn't tell me anyway" Suho said, flashing him a sad smile.
"What do you mean by that?" Kai straightened up.
"She never tells me anything about her life, her past or her friends. Remember how you told me that I have to be myself and she'll open up eventually? Yeah. Didn't work out on her" he smiled, but it was still the same, sad smile that Kai hated so much. He has seen this smile so many times on his hyung's face that it was hurting him physically.
"I think that I met her in the same time you did" Kai said, trying to recall their first meeting. "The same day, actually. I was late for that party, remember? The same day she started working with you and the rest of the guys were making fun of you. I got in late because I was talking with her"
"Talking with her? Just like that?"
"Pretty much" Kai said, trying to think about some story and not to lie. "We have the same favourite spots that only a few people know of, probably. We happened to be in the same place at the same time. The second time was totally random, it was raining, she was having troubles getting a taxi, I told her to come by to the library and she waited until it stopped raining. When I think about this now, it was pretty creepy, we were bumping onto each other all the time. Once because I had a fight with Taemin... I don't really remember it all well"
Suho hummed and chuckled after a few seconds.
"She's really mysterious, isn't she" he said, sighing again.
"You sigh a lot" Kai mused.
"Yeah, because I know that I can never be with her"
His tone when he said that sentence was heartbreaking and painful. Suho felt his eyes water all of a sudden and quickly blinked them away. Suho laughed, but it was too sad to be honest.
"She sees me as a friend" he continued, scratching his neck and making random gestures with his hands. "She agreed to go on a date so I'd realize that. I know that she had no intentions of hurting me, she just has someone else on mind"
Three people, actually, Kai thought and looked at his knees.
"I'm sorry hyung" he said, closing his eyes; his heart was aching, but he also felt a wave of relief. That made him feel guilty. Seriously, how can a human being be filled with so many different emotions? Kai felt like a bomb that could blow out anytime.
"That's not your fault" Suho said, but it didn't sound honest either. "I mean, I'm not angry at you". He rolled his eyes and leaned on his elbows.
"She just wasn't destined for you" Kai added, touching his hyung's knee and rubbing it awkwardly, not sure what to do and how to help him. Suho laughed at his movement.
"Now get out of my room, I have two more hours of sleep" he said, kicking him in the abdomen, and when Kai stood up, also in the . The younger boy tried to catch his foot in the air but missed and earned a smirk.
"Have a nice day" Suho added before Kai disappeared behind the door. He was listening to his feet smacking on the floor and then on the stairs and when he knew that he's completely alone he buried his head in the pillow.
Suho wasn't stupid and knew what was going on, but he kept silent. He also didn't say a word about him meeting Hyo Rim again on the next Friday, because he knew that they can't meet. What he told Kai was true, he just wasn't someone for Hyo Rim, she loved someone else. Suho already know who and he couldn't decide what to do about it.
He wanted to punch Kai for stealing her from him. But he was also happy that his dongsaeng finally opened up and started to be himself again.
He was happy, but didn't want to see his face.
~*~
Kai was running again.
He felt like a few months ago all over again, but it wasn't winter anymore and there was nothing he was running away from anymore.
It felt good.
He was right beside Mari's apartment when he saw a splash of her red hair around the corner. Before he could react, they bumped onto each other, and Kai felt pain spreading all over his chest. Mari was rubbing her head and hissing, and looking at him with opened mouth.
"What are you doing here?" she asked. "And why are you running?"
Upon seeing her, Kai felt his heart flutter. He took in her long, a bit curly hair (some strands looked gold because of the sun hanging low on the horizon), big, dark eyes, little nose and red lips; she must've bitten them a lot, which she did when she was nervous. Kai knew because he knew her. He also knew that she was in hurry because she only had one pendant on her neck instead of normal three. He knew that she ate cereals for breakfast because she smelled like cinnamon stars she liked so much.
He also knew that she's happy to see him, even though she pretends she's not. And that he just knew, there was no proof for that, but he knew. And that made him chuckle. When he did, Mari frowned and smiled.
"Hi" Kai said, and he thought that he looks like an idiot.
He didn't care.
"Hi" Mari answered, still rubbing her head, but less fractic. "Where were you running?"
"To you" Kai said, his smile getting smaller, because he got embarassed; he put his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Mari laughed and he looked up at her. He loved this sound from the beginning.
"Me too" Mari said, faint blush on her cheeks, and Kai's smile disappeared completely, replaced with shock and awe. "Stop making those eyes, you look like that cat from Shrek", Mai said, laughing loudly.
"I, uh" Kai shook his head, focusing on his thoughts. "I'm sorry" he said, taking a deep breath. "I acted like a child and... I just got really scared and nervous"
"I know, I was the same" the red haired looked worried, somehow. "I had no idea he's your friend. And I know that he's... He's amazing, and his unbelievably kind, and he would make any girl the happiest girl on the world, but I'm just... I'm not that girl"
Her words were sinking in slowly.
"He knows" Kai nodded, and saw guilt wash over her face.
"Is he mad at you?"
"Why would he? Not any of us had any idea what's going on"
They fell silent. Mari looked at her feet and Kai somewhere at the horizon. It was warm and green, but he felt guilty again.
"He's in love with you" Kai whispered. Mari closed her eyes, squeezing them completely.
"I know", she answered shakily. "I know and I can't be more sorry, but I don't-"
He could hear her guilt and her sadness. And on one side he felt as guilty and could understand that, and on the other side he wanted to tell her how much she's giving up. He was her friend, but he was also Suho's; guess that made some kind of a role conflict in him.
There was also the third side of his feeling, but he didn't pay attention to them, because it didn't feel right to do so. He felt happiness and relief, and also some kind of pride, because Mari chose him. Not romantically, but chose him.
"Let's get some breakfast" Kai mumbled, and Mari didn't say a word, just slowly followed him. They were both silent on the way, they only exchanged two words while eating their sandwiches, and they didn't touch or hug even once. When Mari disappeared in the cafe, Kai saw Suho inside and his heart broke once again; the older boy didn't smile at him like always, just turned around and focused on his work.
Kai observed Mari putting on her black apron. The girl looked at him through the window and smiled faintly. Kai did the same, nodding once, and walked away.
____________________________________________
Okay, so I managed to add the next chapter and I also have half of the 29th so that's something, right?
I won't take long today cus I'm really tired, but guys, thanks for your comments and welcome all new readers. If you enjoy the story pls upvote. It means a world and I know that it sounds vein and kinda cocky, but I'd love to see more votes if you really enjoy it, and yes, I want to have more people to read it. Every writer wants, right? It's not a secret.
I won't take long today cus I'm really tired, but guys, thanks for your comments and welcome all new readers. If you enjoy the story pls upvote. It means a world and I know that it sounds vein and kinda cocky, but I'd love to see more votes if you really enjoy it, and yes, I want to have more people to read it. Every writer wants, right? It's not a secret.
I'd really appreciate any opinion too. I read them all and it's amazing how much you guys have to say :D
Have a nice day/evening/night and next chapter will be up next week <3
Have a nice day/evening/night and next chapter will be up next week <3
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