~chapter twenty-three~
fixing
____________________________________________

Lights will guide you home 
and ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you

“Are you kidding me” Taemin said on the other line, and it really didn’t sound like a question. Kai frowned deeply and answered with simple “Nope”, but his tone confirmed Taemin that his best friend couldn’t believe that he was doing what he was doing either. And he was currently on the train, shuffling on his feet and walking from one end of the train to the other end, people staring at him like he was nuts or had ADHD. Well, at some point, Kai felt like he really is nuts.

The whole decision about getting him mom back, about meeting with his father after four years, about facing them both – it was mad. Kai couldn’t believe that he jumped on the train, on Christmas Eve, leaving his friends home. He also left Mari, but she understood, that’s for sure. But when she was sending him off with her stare she didn’t know about what was going on in his life. She didn’t know that his father used to beat him and now he was remembering those episodes of his life, and they were kicking him painfully in the guts.

As Taemin was mumbling something on the other line, Kai turned off his mind for a minute or two, sat down and felt motion sickness. Except it wasn’t motion sickness, it was panic and fear tangling in his stomach and looking for a way out. He could barely breathe when he caught Taemin’s words and stood up again.

“No!” he shouted. Everybody on the train – a grandma with little girl, two dudes his age and one elderly mister jumped at his voice, but he didn’t care. “No way Taemin, stay there or I will shove my fist down your throat the second you show up here, and you know that I’m serious”
“No you wouldn’t” Taemin mumbled on the other side. Kai heard a thump and could sworn that Taemin just hit the wall or something with his fast. He was breathing heavily. “Kai, you go get her and come back. Don’t you dare to stay, to fight with your father, or do anything stupid. Don’t you dare to give up on fight. And once you’re the hell out of there, you call. Understood? In the same second you’re out of this sick, ed up place”

Kai felt two emotions; he felt grateful, but also pretty mad at his hyung for calling his home a ‘ed up place’. Taemin must’ve realize his mistake, because he cursed eloquently and shut up. Kai wanted to give him a sarcastic answer that was literally burning his tongue, but he bit it down and calmed down a little.

“I don’t know what I’m doing man” he whispered, his head spinning.
“The right thing” Taemin answered, although with difficulty. “The right thing” he repeated, deep in thoughts. “Once your back, with your mom, we have to talk. You have to make a decision, Kai. What do we do with your father?”

Kai felt his stomach roll all over again and he must’ve gotten really pale, because the lady with her grandchild opened her eyes widely at him as he glanced at her for a second.

He hated making decisions.

Taemin started talking again, first words escaped Kai’s ears. “Listen, it’s not your decision only. It’s ours. We decide together. We will decide together. Just… get her back, Jongin”

Kai nodded. Of course Taemin couldn’t see it, but Kai didn’t want to talk anymore. His tongue was felt like sand paper. He nodded and nodded crazily at the phone, until Taemin stopped talking (more like mumbling) about god knows what and wished him luck. They didn’t disconnect for another seven, full minutes. But then Kai’s phone informed him that he’s running out of the batteries and he really didn’t want to stay without his cell if anything bad was about to happen. He disconnected with a deep sigh and cursed under his nose, earning the old lady’s indignant glance. He then remembered that a little child was sitting in front of him.

“Sorry” he muttered, turning away, his mind spinning, his body moving on his own.

He didn’t really know how it happened. He didn’t know when. He didn’t know when he got to his old house by a taxi. He only knew that his mother opened the door, all kind of emotions painted on her tired face, and she couldn’t move or utter a word. Then Kai heard his father’s voice – hoarse, sleepy and pissed, asking who is it on this hour.

Kai thought that it will be difficult for him. He thought that after seeing his father, he will get scared and try to hide.

He couldn’t be more wrong.

The first thing he did after seeing his father was punching him in the face. And not in the way he did it many times when he tried to defend himself from him, but like he was fighting with a real enemy, or someone who tries to take away his life. His father stumbled on his feet, his mom jumped and shouted and hid behind her son, and Kai was furious. His father cursed at him and squeezed his ankle to jerk him down.

Kai hit the floor with his and his head almost landed on the stairs, but he kicked his dad in the face. When he realized that the man’s nose was bleeding, he felt panic wash over him. He glanced at his frightened mother.

“Go get your stuff” he said surprisingly tenderly. He didn’t have to say twice. His mom was already upstairs, crying and wailing.
“I’m taking her back” Kai said to his father. The man couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Kai tried many times to defend himself from him, but never for real. Never like that. His father thought that Kai was weak, but he was much stronger than the man.
“Jongin, calm down, we can talk about it…” the man said, pulling his hands up as if giving up.

Kai was shaking. Violently. And sweating all over his body in the same time. He probably looked like a freak. But his mom was back down, with her things, the most important stuff.

“You don’t have to go with him, honey, I will-“ he started talking to his wife, but she shook her head and took Kai’s hand in hers. Jongin closed his eyes at the familiar touch and felt his heart rate slowing down with every second.
“I’m done here” his mom said, her voice broken and quiet, but so, so confident and happy that her husband froze.

His father was just staring. And disbelieving. But then he stood up and grabbed Kai by the shoulders, pinning him to the wall with too much strength. The boy felt pain spreading on his back. He was facing his father’s furious, red face, face that he once feared, and scoffed at him.

“You’re no man” he said. “You’re not my father. You never deserved mom. You are pathetic and I should have taken her back a long time ago. I guess that stupidity runs in the family” he spat, kicking his father with his knee in a very particular place, and his father rolled onto the floor.
“You’re out of shape” Kai breathed out, his mother taking his hand. “And don’t think that you will escape from me after everything you did. You’re done” he added, feeling an urge to kick him once again, make him feel everything he felt every time he beat him. But he didn’t because mom was holding his hand.

They ran out of the house, taxi cab still waiting outside in the snow. The driver looked terrified, seeing Kai in complete mess and his mom crying. When they got inside and drove away, Jongin’s mom silently embraced him, crying.

“I always knew you’ll come back for me” she muttered. She was repeating it all over again, for the whole ride.

At this point, Kai’s head turned off completely; he might’ve passed out.

Yep, he definitely passed out.

~*~

He woke up when the driver said that they’re on the train station. He literally rolled out of the car, his mom by his side right away. She was holding him by his waist and helping him to steady. But he felt his stomach flipping out and he started shaking. He got away from her touch and ran towards the tracks. When he got there, he threw up everything. His mom was patting and rubbing his back.

It was like déjà vu, but this time Kai was the winner, he was the perpetrator. And it . His stomach flipped again and he continued to throw up, people staring. He was just glad that it was really, really late, middle of the night. He glanced at his mom and saw that she was still in her nightdress, but she wore jeans, shoes (of course), and a jacket. Still, it was a pink nightdress with bunnies all over it and he chuckled, commenting on it somehow, couldn’t remember what he told. His mom laughed, but it was a very tired laugh that quickly transformed into a sob. She fell onto the ground.

Kai was standing there awkwardly, looking around, not knowing what to do with a middle-aged woman crying. Even if it was his mom, they never did something like that. She almost never cried in front of him, she didn’t want to show how vulnerable she is. So he took off his jacket and covered her with it. She took it and wrapped herself up.

He still couldn’t believe what he has done.

The way back was a blur. He talked with Taemin. He was holding her mom’s hand the whole time. He dreamed of a shower and teeth brushing. He slept a lot and when they got back it was already after 10 am. Taemin and Suho were both waiting for them at the station, and once Kai was in Taemin’s familiar embrace, he let himself fall into obliviousness that he liked to much.

~*~

When Kai woke up on the other day, his mom was still sleeping. Everybody was. He realized that he just had a very decent sleep and couldn’t remember any nightmares. He hummed a “huh” at this and went out of the couch.

He checked on his mom, who was sleeping in his room. He barely remembered last night, as if he was on a giant hangover. He didn’t know what he was doing until he went to take a shower and didn’t set the water right, so the coldness hit him like a slap and he shrieked and ran out from it.

Well, he was awake after that.

He washed himself carefully and checked himself in the mirror. He had a huge, really huge bruise on his back. It was dark and purple. He hissed when he touched it. He didn’t realized that his father  threw him so strongly.

He remembered punching him though. And a grin spread on his lips. He almost felt good, really. Almost.

After that, he went to take some clothes, tiptoeing around his mom. He knew that any sound could wake her up, so he avoided any place where the floor would creak. Then, he grabbed the huge bag that was waiting for him in the corner of the room and ran out of the house. It was still quite dark.

Before he knew, he was at Mari’s door. He called her cell phone first and she picked up right away.

“Kai? You okay?” she asked with concern, but her voice was still sleepy.
“I’m in front of your door” he answered, and realized how creepy it sounded. Red haired opened the door, holding her cell.
“You do realize that you sounded like a total creeper” she said and Kai chuckled, literally chuckled. Her eyes light up and he was again amazed by their colour. She seemed to ask ‘what?’ with her stare and he shrugged.
“You pulled it out of my mouth” he said, inviting himself in. He held out the bag at Mari once she closed the door. “Merry Christmas”

She glanced at the bag, back at him, at the bag again, and then at him. Kai frowned.

“Idiot” she scoffed. “You’re such an idiot. And you’re grinning like a creeper. And considering that you like to lurk in front of my doors, spy on me in the bushes and climbing up my balcony to see me through the windows, I have to say that you’re the creepiest creep I’ve met”

She took the bag, saw the paints and new brushes inside and her eyes softened. She put it down and pulled Kai into a hug, that he quickly returned. He had to bend down a little, and Mari had to tiptoe, but it was nice.

“And you’re a hugger type of a creep. That’s just sweet” she said, laughing. Kai chuckled at this too, sinking into her touch and breathing her scent in.

He was a creeper.

He pulled away first, but she didn’t seem to mind. She tilted her head to the side. But Kai suddenly took her wrist and her breath hitched for a second.

“Kai-?”
“I can’t believe that I did it” he said quietly, slowly looking at her. “I just… If you would be there you’d freak out. You’d probably be scared of me right now” he said, taking a step back, but didn’t let go of her hand. Mai frowned, worry all over her face.
“I wouldn’t” she said, shaking her head. “I would never. No matter how scary you are, you would never hurt me. Or your mom” she said, taking a step forward. They were close again. Suddenly, she cupped his face in her warm hands and Kai’s eyes widened. It’s been so long since anybody held him like that, it was…
“Everybody gets a second chance. Especially from moms” she reassured him and quickly stepped back. Kai felt cold all of a sudden and missed her touch. Then he mentally slapped himself.
“So are you going to tell me exactly what happened, or-“ Mari started.
“Yeah, yeah” Kai mumbled, taking off his jacket clumsily.  
“Also, you woke me up at 6 am. 6 am!” she threw her hands into the air, her voice high.
“Oh come on. You would wake up anyway. I’m sure that you’re working today. You just can’t give yourself a break”
“Someone has to work” she said with a hint of sadness and proceed to the kitchen. Without saying a word, she opened the fridge and Kai sat by the table.
“So?” she asked, pulling out milk and eggs. Kai tried to guess if she’s going to make pancakes or waffles.
“So” he whispered. “I got her”

Mari smiled sincerely.

“I knew you would” she said, shrugging lightly. Then she sighed, a relief sigh. “I knew you would” she repeated. “But that, we already know” he added awkwardly.

Turns out, she was making waffles.

Sitting with Mari by the table, watching the sun slowly creep through the window, eating waffles and drinking tea, talking about nothing in particular and chuckling from time to time at her stupid comments was so… out of place. It didn’t feel like Kai’s life anymore. He felt free. He felt good. Once in a long time he actually felt good.

After that, he took her to work. But then she saw where she works and he froze.

His eyes opened widely and his mouth shaped into an ‘o’. Mari waved her hand in front of his face, leaned closer and frowned at him.

“Kai. Hey. You with me?” she asked. She started snapping her fingers even. Only at this sound Kai turned to face her.
“Uh” he muttered. Mari rolled her eyes.
“Are you sure that you’re okay?” she asked, making a face, looking half-worried and half-annoyed. Mostly worried. “I have to go, but we can talk about it if you want when I’m over-“
“No, I have to talk with my mom” Kai said quickly. “Thanks for the breakfast”

Mari eyed him up and down and she definitely wanted to start the conversation again, but gave up. Kai was glad that she did.

And then she went to the same café Suho was working in.

Kai grabbed a handful of his hair, growled and turned to go away, but then looked at the café again and shuffled in one place like a mime trapped in some invisible box.

“Impossible” he muttered, looking at the doors. He knew that Suho was working in the afternoons, and he was always saying that he and his mysterious crush would always miss each other. Only when he would take a morning shift, she would be there.

But Mari wasn’t his crush. She couldn’t be, right?

Kai wanted to ask her that. He was pulling his phone to ask about the name she uses – because she obviously didn’t go with Mari at her jobs – but stopped.

He had more serious things to take care of. He really did.

He came back home, anxiety slowly biting inches of his soul, grinning at him from his insides, burning his throat. Everything seemed bad once again. Everything seemed wrong.

Once he entered the kitchen, he saw his mother. They were staring at each other for a long time. She was checking if he was okay after the fight. She also compared his height to hers and said that he grew up. Kai was checking if she’s okay physically, but also tried to make sure if she was okay mentally.

Only after long ten minutes, she hugged him, leaning her head on his torso and putting her hands on the back of his neck and head. He leaned on her shoulder.

“You didn’t change your perfumes” he noted. His mom shook her hand. He heard her sobbing quietly and didn’t notice a tear rolling down his cheek.

They stood there and talked. For someone from behind it would sound like random words splattering randomly from their mouths. It wasn’t code this time, those were simple words that described themselves. And they both understood.

Kai also understood that his mom wanted to sue his father.

~*~

And just like that the next two months were like ripped out of his life. They sued his father, that was the easy part. Talking to the police about everything that happened to him during eighteen years of his life wasn’t. Seeing his mom breaking down into sobs every time she saw his father wasn’t.

Unlike Kai, she once loved him. And it pained her to see what he has become.

First month was all about talking, testimony, and more talking. When they once asked him (for like 78^th time) to describe precisely how his father treated him, he just lost it and asked them if they want him to graphically describe how his father would take a baseball bat or a belt and pinned him into the wall to have a good access to his back and thighs, rage boiling in him. And the policemen ing told him yes.

He cursed a bit too much and a special policeman was send to him. Only when Kai met him (his name was Donghae), he was finally able to tell him about everything, because Donghae had this weird nature of a brother. He was joking freely, showed Kai respect and care, and he was easy to talk to. In the end of the week, he actually asked Kai if he wants to grab a beer with him sometime, and Kai commented on it sarcastically, making them both laugh.

Yeah, as for a policeman, Donghae was really cool. And no, he assured Kai, he’s not gay.

The lawsuits started a week after his last conversation with Donghae. They got enough evidences. Kai’s father tried to hid or destroy everything that would point at him being abusive right after they left for the train, but police still found a lot.
It was a pain to listen to it at the court. Kai shut his eyes close and wanted to also cover his ears, but Donghae was standing behind him and whispered “Don’t. You have to hear” to him. Kai did listen, but didn’t open his eyes.
They had four trials before the judge sentenced his father guilty for domestic violence and mental abuse on both his son and his wife.
He was sent to prison for three years and four years on probation after. It was a long time.

He couldn’t go back to work just yet. His mood was switching from being happy to being ashamed and panicked.
He send his own father to jail.
He couldn’t believe it. He was sitting on his bed, hands in his hair, tugging on them violently, and he couldn’t believe.
It was like a roller-coaster of emotions. And nothing could make him feel better.

His mom was the same. They didn’t talk at all. Not a word was uttered after the last trial. They liked to hug and cuddle, and sit together while holding hands, giving each other some sort of twisted mental support, but they both knew that they weren’t okay. Because when they pushed happiness away, they were finding shame and fear inside them.

Kai couldn’t get rid of the feeling that his father will come back for him one day. And this time he will beat him to death.

Taemin knew exactly what Kai was thinking. One day he sat beside him on the couch, casually eating popcorn, but then turned at his best friend.

“Stop it dude” he whispered. “He won’t come back. He will think twice before he will even put a finger on you. If he does, he’s over. For the rest of his life. He won’t take that chance. He’s too much of a coward. And even though his a pathetic little , he still thinks that his life is worth something” he scoffed at this and almost threw the bowl with popcorn at the table. “You did good. He got what he deserved. You’re brave, Jongin, you really are. And I’m proud of you” he said.

Kai looked at him to fins sincerity. He smiled, for the first time in weeks, and Taemin ruffled his hair affectingly.

This whole time, Suho had no clue what was going on beside them being in court all the time and his house being now occupied by not two people, but three people. He knew that it was all about Kai and his dad, but he didn’t ask because Kai didn’t want him to know. Suho respected it, but felt out of place and was out almost all the time. He just let Kai know that he’s always there and that he has his back if anything bad happens, and Kai knew that he does.

Kai didn’t talk to Mari during these two months and felt really odd without her. They were messaging each other a lot, sure, but not about the trial or anything serious. Mari was sending him a lot of jokes out of blue. Sometimes, when he was really gloomy and coming home from the trail or police station he would crack a laugh in the middle of the street because she just send him something ridiculous.

He was glad that he had Mari. He was so freaking glad and grateful. He also couldn’t believe that her cheesy jokes were funny to him. It was scary.

He called her one day. She didn’t respond right away. And he knew that something was off, because it was late, she was home for sure, and she always had her phone loaded and loud, and she would always pick up. Even if she was showering, she was taking the phone with her. Not to the shower of course, but in the bathroom. She could easily lean to take it and talk.

But this time she didn’t respond.

Kai called again and again. He called seven times before he stormed out of the house, almost falling on his mom in the corridor.

He was running towards Mari’s flat, his face red from tiredness and cold. Even though it was almost March, it was still chilly. When he finally got to her place, he glanced at the balcony to see that the light in her living room was on and ran up the stairs, two steps at time. He bumped onto the door with his fist. He often wondered how could Mari’s neighbor from the opposite never react to this, because well, Kai did that a lot. He didn’t have time to think about it though, because he heard Mari breaking something inside and swearing with a broken voice.

“Mari-ah!” he shouted. “Open the door! Everything okay?”

He heard her coming to the door.

“Yah” he said. He wanted to sound angry or powerful, so she would open, but it came out full of worry that was now washing over him. He was so stupid. He promised her he would protect her, that he would always be there, and he disappeared for two month. He was curing under his breath, muttering harsh words at himself, when he heard her soft voice.
“Go away Kai” she said. Kai hit the door with anger.
“What? Why?!” he shouted. “What’s happening? Mari!”
“Go away!” she shouted back, slapping the door with her hand. Kai could hear it and imagined her palm getting red. “Please” she added, her voice disappearing into a sob, and Kai’s eyes widened. His heart rate speed up and he leaned onto the door.
“Mari, open up, please” he said. “I won’t go away. You know that I’m very capable of sleeping on the stairs” he said. He knocked on the door once again. “Mari, please, open up. I’m here, okay? I’m back. No matter what happens…”
“No matter what happens to me it’s not your damn business” Mari swallowed a choke. Kai but his lower lip, frowning deeply and kicking at the doorframe, trying to surpass his anger. He was angry at himself, not at Mari.
“I ed up, I know, I-“
“Kai, you didn’t do anything wrong!” Mari said with a scoff and he saw her throwing her hands up into the air. “I just really need to be alone now, so please, just go away. You didn’t do anything. You’re good. I know that you care. But right now there’s nothing you can help me with, so just-“ she stopped talking. Kai heard her breath, she was talking on top of her lungs. It looked like he couldn’t breathe properly, which made him even more anxious.
“I won’t go” he said. “You know that”

There was a long silence, but Kai could still hear Mari’s breath and quiet sniffles. She finally opened the door, slowly, lazily, her hands were moving as if they were made of a melting chocolate or stuffed with nothing but air. Kai remembered a Harry Potter scene, when Harry broke his arm and professor Lockhart tried to fix it, but Harry ended up boneless.

Right now Mari’s whole body looked boneless.

When he saw that she was okay physically, he pulled her into a crashing hug, squeezing her shoulders and putting his hand on her neck protectively. Hu huffed out a breath and Mari rested her head on his shoulder.

After a minute, Kai opened his eyes and looked at the living room in utter shock and fear. His heart rate speed up again and his eyes widened. He felt dizzy all of a sudden.

Everything was turned upside down. Shattered glass, papers, ash and some feathers (probably from the pillows) were on the floor. Everything was on the floor. All the furniture was opened or overturned, every shelf and drawer empty, and everything from them was on the floor.

But the worse part of all of this was a pile of paintings and canvas placed in the corner of the room. Most paintings were just crushed, broken into half, so Mari could still recognize them. But it was only on the surface, because the rest of the paintings was burned down.

Mari tried to pull away from him, but Kai didn’t let her. He squeezed her harder, hearing her whining and sobbing. She even tried to hit his abdomen, but he still didn’t let go. He didn’t want her to look at the room again. He wanted to hold her and never let go, protect her from all this going on in her life, but it was much more complicated and he knew it.

“It’s okay” he whispered, and on these words, Mari calmed down, but shook her head that was still pressed into Kai’s torso. “It is. I will make it okay. You’re safe” he patted her head lightly.
“I don’t want your pity” Mari said and cursed after. It sounded like a curse of disbelief. Kai could feel her tears sinking into his t-shirt. He was in such a hurry that he only got a jacket to war on a plain tee. But he wasn’t cold, be was hot from anger.
“And if you start comforting me, I will burst into tears, and I really hate to cry” she said, with so much hidden anger than Kai chuckled, but it was a very dark, sad laugh.
“You’re already crying, idiot” he said. He knew that she couldn’t stand pity or sweet words. She was a big girl. She had to go through much more than he had. And he knew that she would hate him if he started to act like a hero or her protector. So he quickly added: “You’re buying me a new t-shirt”
“” she said at that, and he felt her smile. It was enough. It was better than sweet words, but he was honest with her. He knew that she listened and that she knew. But he still had to say it.

“I will fix it.”

But Kai doesn’t know how to fix her.  Kai doesn’t know if he can fix her. Because he is broken, too. And maybe that's the way of things, he thinks. Instead of waiting for someone to fix you, you go out and find someone else who is just as broken, and then you fix each other.

____________________________________________

This is one of the longest chapters here. I feel better when I read something and chapter is long, so I decided that I'll make them like this.
Thank you guys so much for commenting <3 Please let me know more what you think. 

Also I'm so sorry otl but if you think that it will be actually easy for Kai to just forget about his father then you're wrong and I'm just giving you false hope.

I promise that I'll check tomorrow for any grammar mistakes (possibly check all the chapters, so I'm sorry if you'll have instant informations about updating on your dash, it's just me correcting my poor grammar) because now it's half past 2 am here and why am I always getting ideas and desire to write in the middle of the night? Gosh I have no idea.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed, next chapter coming soon, but if you're bored you can check my other stories :)

Blindness: x (Chanyeol x You, in which Chanyeol is blind)
Girl with a Cigarette: x (Myungsoo x You, in which Myungsoo is socially awkward and falls in love with the worst girl he could've choose)
Ghost: x (Taemin x You, in which you are growing up with a ghost by your side)

I'm sorry for such a long A/N otl

Thank you all for reading!

(also this chapter picture belongs to x)