~chapter twenty-five~
nightmares
____________________________________________

 When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Kai’s eyes shot open. His breath and the beating of his heart were both increased; a thick layer of sweat covered him like a slick blanket. At first, he couldn’t recognize his own room. Only when he saw his favourite backpack in the corner he realized where he is.

He leaned his head on the wall behind his bed and took many deep breaths. His sweat was slowly getting colder and colder and he was shivering by the time he got to calm himself down. He had no idea what kind of dream woke him up, but he knew the feeling in the pit of his stomach too well to ignore it; the feeling of guilt. Right now it was, beside fear, the only thing he could feel. He couldn’t move for another ten minutes, then he finally got out of bed and quietly went down. When he entered the kitchen, he saw a silhouette by the counters and he jumped with a quiet shriek, covering his mouth right away and recognizing his mom.

That only made things worse.

His mom looked tired. She had deep circles under her eyes. Right now she was probably in the state similar to his, mentally worn-out and unable to normal existing. The fact that she was in the kitchen instead of sleeping in the guest room was enough of a proof. Kai didn’t want to know how is she feeling about the whole situation before. He knew that his mom was having a hard time, but he denied to find out how’s she really feeling.

“Mom?” he whispered. It kinda reminded him of the times they lived together and his 7-year old self couldn’t sleep at night. Some things never change, he thought right away. His mom looked up at him, his stare was cold and empty, which hit him like a ton of bricks. “Can’t sleep?”

“You too?” she asked with a quick grin. It didn’t seem happy at all, it seemed forced, and it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

At first Kai didn’t know what to tell her. If he should just nod or tell her that he’s been dreaming about his father. For the last two months he was studying his mother carefully, but he still didn’t know what’s really on his mind. He still didn’t know if she forgave him, is she still loves him, if she’s happy that they got away from his father.

In that moment, a quick thought crossed his mind.

I shouldn’t have done that to him.

It was painful and it was going deeply under his skin and he couldn’t get rid of the guilt and fear and self-loathing.

He was disgusting, he then thought. He put his own father in the prison. He was the reason of their family breaking apart, he knew it, and even though he knew, he still did something to break it even more, to completely destroy it.

Before he knew, he had tears in his eyes and his hands were shaking in a too well-known feeling of panic crawling into his heart and mind.

“You dream of him too?” his mother asked. He nodded with a sharp intake of breath, as if he’s been waiting for her to say it, or to say anything at all. “Because I do too. And I can’t believe what’ve done.”

Kai tugged at his hair painfully. He couldn’t quite hear his broken, quiet sob.

He was out of the house before he could think. He ran a lap around the area and came back home half an hour ago, his mother already in her room. He entered the bathroom and leaned over the sink, staring at his ugly reflection.

He had his father’s eyes and he saw him when looking at himself.

That was one of the worst nights of his life. He was balancing between the reality and dreams, and he didn’t know which one was worse. His dreams were physically painful, but the reality was sharp and washed him with cold facts and making his mind go crazy and think about the future. And it was so scary.

He waited for the dawn for which seemed like ages. When it finally came, he opened the window and waited until the sun completely filled the room with light. He was scared of the darkness and of what it might bring, but in the light he was getting better, his mind was getting calmer. After taking a shower, he headed out to work, ignoring both Taemin’s and Suho’s voices from the kitchen and disappearing on the streets as fast as he could.

~*~

He meets Mari out of pure accident this time and it makes him think about their first encounter. At first she doesn’t see him, but Kai flicks her on the forehead and she freezes with a ridiculous expression on her face.

“Oh, hi” she said, and Kai laughed.
“Broody much?” he teased, and Mari slapped him lightly on the arm. “How’s the selling going?”

He obviously means paintings. Mari was selling them every day by Xiumin’s bakery. Xiumin helped her a lot when Kai couldn’t. For the past two months Mari also got surprisingly close with Chanyeol and the giant boy was now selling the paintings with her almost every day (for what Kai was unbelievably grateful).

“Good” Mari smiled widely and Kai felt something in him easing up. “Hungry?”

Kai made a thoughtful face. “I’d eat some kimchi”

They walked towards the nearest restaurant and ate in silence. After that, Mai informed him that she has to take some documents from her apartment and go to her next work.

“I’ll go with you” Kai said, yawning and stretching his sore limbs.
“You didn’t sleep well did you?” the red haired asked quietly. Kai shrugged.
“I don’t exactly remember the last time I slept one hundred percent well” he said honestly. It felt like something totally intimate and the second he said it, a hint of blush crawled onto his cheeks. Mari hummed under her nose, then sighed.
“I’m sorry to hear that” she said. “If that helps somehow, I don’t remember either”

They looked at each other in the same moment. The evening sun was casting beautiful light on Mari’s face and her hair looked redder than usually, and her eyes suddenly got grey instead of black; Kai got lost in them for a minute.

They were walking close to each other, their shoulders touching and not leaving. Mari’s hand suddenly bumped onto Kai’s and his fingers opened mechanically, as if they wanted to grab hers. It would have happened. Kai felt Mari’s rough skin under his fingerprints and they felt hot; a jolt went down his spine just from this quick brush, and then…

And then a memory came back and his throat clenched.

“Hyo Rim finally said yes” Suho said. Kai’s face fell.
“To what?” he asked, smiling, but it was a fake smile. He had a feeling that he won’t like what he hears, of course if his guess from earlier was right.
“We’re going to eat something on Saturday” he said. “But she’s working on the weekends too, so we only have like two hours. She was really tired today, I think that she didn’t even want to make excuses, she just said yes” Suho laughed. “But it’s not like it’s forcefully or out of pity-“
“I know hyung” Kai laughed. “Anybody would go out with you. She’s just always busy” he mumbled. Suho frowned.
“Uh… Right” he said. “Right, because she even works on the weekends” he said as if he wanted to make sure that Kai deduced it from this fact.
“Yeah. I’m glad, hyung” Kai smiled sincerely at him. “How does she even look like?” he asked after two minutes, after watching some of the movie.
“She has red hair” Suho said. “She’s not Korean I suppose”

His hand landed in the pocket of his leather jacket right away. Mari glanced at him, a bit startled, and her eyes fell with a hint of embarrassment and disappointment.

But really, what if Mari was Hyo Rim? What was the possibility of one of his best friends having a crush on her, out of all people?

It was just a touch. They’ve touched plenty of time before. They hugged and they ruffled each other’s hair and slapped each other teasingly from time to time even. For him, it was a friendly interaction he only ever had with Taemin. It was intimate, but it wasn’t like he was in love with Mari.

He wasn’t.

So why does it feel so wrong?

“Do you want me to take some of your paintings home today?” he asked, after a cough. Mari took a deep breath and seemed to think about the offer.
“That would be great, thanks” she said quietly.
“No problem” Kai murmured. He desperately looked for something he could talk about and ended up rattling about Taemin and his stupid habits. Somewhere along the way Mari asked him about the most embarrassing thing they did together, expecting some kind of twisted story about them running in public (oh, it happened, twice actually), but burst out laughing when Kai stated that they once tried kissing when being drunk. Then Mari questioned his uality and earned a smack on the head. Not that Kai didn’t approve homouality or something (Kibum and Jonghyun were gay and proud and it was only a matter of time for them to hook up, bets were all over the place), but he was attracted to men in the same degree he was attracted to monkeys, which means he wasn’t at all.
“Then why would you even try kissing a guy?” Mari asked, opening the doors to her apartment with a soft chuckle. Kai shrugged.
“Out of curiosity I guess?” The door opened. “Oh come on. We were teenage boys growing up, and drunk, I know more histories like this than necessary”
“You mean you and Taemin aren’t the only ones who tried?” Mari asked with such curiosity that Kai rolled his eyes.
“Do you ever hang out with anybody besides Jinki or that panda kid?” he asked, hanging his jacket on the rag. Mari was taking off her shoes.
“Duh” he said, but it wasn’t near convincing and he chuckled again. “That doesn’t mean that I get your manly logic. And panda? What?”
“Don’t tell me that you never compared him to a panda before” Kai was now taking off his shoes and getting a judging expression from the red haired. She crossed her arms and raised her brows. Kai shot her a look. “Oh come on. He has deeper circles under his eyes than me. And he can fight. He can do martial arts. It’s like straight from the movie. And there is a movie about kung-fu panda”

At this, Mari couldn’t keep her face straight and cracked loudly.

“Remind me why am I hanging out with you anyway?” she said quietly, trying to find something in her bag.
“Because I share many beautiful facts about male world with you and because I’m adorable”
“Oh wow, not getting there, big guy” Mari said defensively, finally pulling her phone out of her bag, and Kai tries to ignore how adorable she is by calling him names. She's calling him names. God dammit. “You won’t hear any compliments here, let me tell you”
“That’s because you’re jealous” Kai snickered and went towards the living room. He yawned again when he entered it. “And you know that I am ado-“

There was a man by the balcony.

There was a man in a suit in Mari’s apartment.

Kai’s heart shot straight out of his chest and before he could say a word to Mari, before he could stop her from coming in, she was already by his side, and he bumped onto his shoulder when he stopped in track suddenly.

He could hear her opening and then her breath hitched on the sight.

Kai covered her with his whole body, shooting daggers at the man. He was incredibly good-looking, his brown hair stylized carefully, eyes sharp and deep, plump lips turned into a soft grin. Ha had the appearance of a model or a singer, but Kai didn’t miss his earrings and expensive, black suit. His tie was probably worth more that Kai’s weekly salary.

“What-“ Kai started, his voice loud and strong, because he wasn’t scared. He was pissed and afraid that Mari will get hurt, but he was most certainly not scared of some random dude showing up at her apartment. He was ready to fight, if he had to. But before he could react, Mari suddenly grabbed his hand.

“That’s my brother” she whispered, her voice raspy and quiet, and Kai’s face fell. She let go of his hand as fast as he calmed down a bit. Then he remembered their conversation just a few days before and he let his mouth open a bit.

Her brother. Her step brother, actually, the one with big company and a lot of money, who wants to help her, but she never lets him. He still didn’t know a lot about him aside from the fact that he was older than Mari, that he took care of her mother’s hospital bills when she was ill. Now she also knew that he looks like a runaway model and is a creeper.

He even thought that they’d get along pretty well, and was so taken aback by this idea that he had to shake his head.

“Sis” the man said, and Mari tensed beside him.
“Kai” she looked at him for a second and back at her brother. “Leave us alone please?” she asked, and Kai swallowed, glancing at the man. He was still smiling softly, corners of his lips curved slightly.
“Are you sure?” he asked. Mari nodded and he put a hand on her back, between her shoulder blades, so that the man couldn’t see, but he could give her some solace. “I’ll be right outside the door” he whispered, shot her brother one more, warning look (and he knew that his looks were pretty badass) and exited the apartment. He sat on the stairs and waited.

“What are you doing here Jaejoong?” Mari asked once they’re alone. His face finally turned serious.
“You two are close” her brother noted. She scoffed.
“Are you deaf? Couldn’t hear my question?”
“Don’t act like this, Mari” he said, taking a step closer. The red haired crossed her arms and took a step back, but couldn’t help a loud swallow. Jaejoong looked pained and she tried really hard to look away.
“Why are you here?” she asked quickly. His brother straightened.
“Because I haven’t heard from you for a long time” he explained. He was always honest with her. Honest and straightforward. “You haven’t visited Hoya, and he couldn’t get in touch with you, I was worried. Is that so hard to understand?”
“Well, as you can see, I’m okay” she pointed at herself. “In one piece. I eat three meals a day and I’m okay. And because of you I’m going to be late for work”.

Normally Jaejoong would start the conversation about him “being able to pay off her debt”, but they were through his so many times that he actually gave up at some point. He didn’t even flinch when he heard about job.

“How much left is there?” he asks instead.
“I’ll be okay-“

She heard a hollow bang and jumped. When she looked at her brother, his fist was on the wall, his knuckles white.

“I’m asking how much” he said, gritting his teeth.
“Not much” she said quietly.
“Goddammit, Mari!”

Jaejoong was in front of her in two fast steps and he grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked forward. Mari only curled inside herself more, all tense and guilty, looking somewhere on the floor, and she could feel Jaejoong’s cologne and shaky fingers.

“I’m worried about you!” he shouted then, and she flinched. “I want to know the number. I won’t let you suffer alone anymore, do you understand that? It’s not your debt, it’s father’s!” he spat. Mari shot her head to look at him. It’s been a long time since they last saw each other, and Jaejoong’s features got harder and sharper, and he now had a deep wrinkle between his eyebrows.
“But he gave it to me” she said quietly, trying to calm down both herself and her brother. “It’s technically mine. And you gave us enough money to ask for more. You know it”
“There’s no such thing as debt in family, Mari. I told you so many times”

He sounds desperate. And it makes Mari’s insides twist.

“I want to take care of it by myself. I told you so many times too”

He dropped his arms just to pinch the bridge of his nose the next second, then yanked his hair a little and looked at her, frowning deeply, his eyes showing pain.

“I’m not leaving you again” he whispered.
“I’m not alone” Mari said, before she could bite her tongue. But the words already spilled and Jaejoong’s eyes widened.
“You think that he’s going to help you?” he hissed, pointing at the door. He looked almost helpless. “He’s just some college kid with lame jokes and cocky behavior. He’s acting all tough, when in reality he’s weak and he wants to take advantage of you”

Mari’s hand moved on its own. It literally flied, and before she knew, she slapped Jaejoong hard on his cheek. Both her hand and his face got red a few seconds after.

She took a step back with a gasp, covering with both hands, and Jaejoong rubbed his cheek in disbelief. He swallowed hard before glancing at her and blinking once, tears in his eyes. Mari was sure that it was because of the hot pain spreading on his face and not because she hurt him mentally. No, she wasn’t the one who did something wrong. Jaejoong stepped on the line.

“You don’t know him and you won’t judge me or my friends” she said quietly, but strongly, and her fists clenched. “Now please get out of my house” she added, gritting her teeth.

Jaejoong clenched his fists.

“He can’t protect you” he said before he flied out from the apartment.

~*~

Kai stood up from the floor the second he heard quick steps around the door and Mari’s furious brother showed up a moment later. At first he passed him without a word, his face red, and Kai wanted to go check on Mari. He turned to the doors just to be yanked backwards and hitting the wall hard, immediately covering the back of his throbbing head with his hand.

“What the dude-“
“Don’t ‘dude’ me, you little piece of ” Mari’s brother hissed, and Kai froze, because he knew this tone too well. It was the same tone his father used a minute before beating him up until he couldn’t walk. So Kai grabbed Jaejoong’s wrist that was currently yanking his blouse and dig his fingers deep. Her brother didn’t even flinch, his eyes and cheek red.
“I don’t know what you want from her” he then said, his voice barely a whisper, but a venomous one. “But if you lay a finger on her again, I will make sure you lose a finger at least”. Kai thought for a moment that he’s going to spit him in the face. “And if you try to with me or her, you’re not getting away buddy. So whatever your goal is, drop it when I’m still nice”

With this, Mari’s brother was ready to leave. Such a charming person he was. But of course, Kai had a big mouth and hated to be scolded by anyone. He hated to be judged and taken as a bad person by someone who didn’t know him at all, so he used something he knew the best: his sarcasm.

“Yeah, because shoving someone onto the wall and nearly giving them concussion is such a lovely sign of good will and friendliness” he said, earning a punch in the face first, and then a punch in the gut.

He bend down with a hiss.

“er” Mari’s brother managed to say before he disappeared around the corner, leaving Kai breathless on the floor.

Kai rubbed his stomach. His comeback was weak, but he was more than pleased with the fact that it got Mari’s brother mad. He was less pleased with the pain spreading on his abdomen. After a few moments he could finally breathe and Mari choose the same second to peek out from her apartment, her eyes wide and surprised when she saw him.

“I thought that you…” she said, pursuing her lips. Kai was still bend down on the floor and she looked down, her whole facing showing how sorry she was. “He punched you, didn’t he?”

Kai slowly stood up, trying not to flinch too much.

“He’s charming” he said quietly. Mari bit her lips and closer her eyes so they became two wrinkled lines.
“I’m sorry” she said. “I’ll get you some ice”

Mari disappeared into the apartment and Kai followed her, but before he could enter it, he heard someone creeping at the back. He turned his face and saw Tao.

“Seriously?” he said. Tao shot him a look. “Are you a psychic too? Because I swear, if you have some wicked supernatural powers next to your stupid kung fu-“
“Chill out” Tao patted his shoulder, but still eyed him suspiciously. “I have no idea what are you talking about by the way”

Kai scoffed and turned his whole body to face the younger boy, but it made his muscles hurt and he hissed.

“You okay?” Tao asked, and his voice sounded really worried. He glanced at the apartment. “I saw Jaejoong. We missed each other in the doors”
“Who?” Kai asked, frowning. Mari appeared with a bag of ice. Took her long enough.
“Your brother was here?” Tao asked instead of answering his question, nodding at Mari’s direction. Mari didn’t say anything, but gently pulled Kai inside. Tao closed the door (locked it) and they sat in the living room.
“What did he want?”
“Same stuff” Mari answered. “Want something to drink?”
“Are you okay?”
“Tao”

The boy stood up and grabbed her wrist, then examined her face carefully. Kai observed their interaction with a weird tangling feeling in his stomach. But it must’ve been the hit.

“I’m fine” Mari slapped Tao’s hand away. She then pointed at Kai. “Jaejoong may be persistent, but he would never hit me. But Kai is a completely different story"
“It’s been worse” Kai shrugged. Ice was making his muscles ease. It was a bad thing to say, apparently, because Mari moaned with pure pain and covered her face with hands.
“Gosh, he’s so…”
“Violent?” Tao said, frowning.
“Homicidal?” Kai asked the same second, raising his brows.
“Short-tempered” Mari said instead. Kai rolled his eyes.
“Out of all things you chose short-tempered?” he asked, trying to get a better position on the couch.
“Where did your magic dictionary go?” Tao asked her, and Mari growled at both of them.
“I’m so sorry Kai” Mari said sincerely, looking at him with apologetic eyes. Then he turned to Tao and frowned. “And you. What are you doing here? And what do you mean by magic dictionary?”
“She’s right, that didn’t make sense at all” Kai stated. Tao shot him a look.
“I was on my way to work when I saw Jaejoong’s car-“ the kid started, but then Mari gasped suddenly. Then, Kai heard the longest flow of curses ever leaving and she was running around the house.
“I forgot about my job!” she shouted from the bathroom. She ran into the living room, threw spare keys onto Kai’s lap and nearly killed herself when putting on her shoes. Kai couldn’t see her from the couch, but Tao’s terrified expression and wild sounds coming from the hall were enough to make him nervous.
“Close the door when you-“ Mari shouted, but doors closed after here before she finished. It was suddenly quiet.
“She trusts you with her keys” Tao said after some time, his tone suspicious. “Are you two…?” he pointed at Kai and made a gesture on the apartment. Kai frowned and tilted his head. “You know. Are you…?”
“Use your words” Kai said, inpatient, and rose from the couch.
“Are you two together?” Tao managed to say, and Kai shook his head right away.
“We’re not” he said. It sounded weak. And his heart clenched again.

He went to the kitchen to put away the ice. He didn’t want to go home, but he also didn’t want to stay with Tao.

“Good”, panda kid sad. Kai raised his brows at him.
“And why is that?” he found himself asking.
“Because she’s mine” Tao stated, and Kai, who was leaning on the counter, slipped from it and stumbled on his own feet.

That one sentence made something inside him boil.

“You don’t decide if anyone if your property” he said with a growl. He really had an urge to smack the younger boy with something. Maybe with a chair. But Tao only smirked at him. He looked dangerous with that expression; his young age didn’t change the fact that he was strong and looked like a gang member. For all Kai knew, he could’ve been one.

“I’ll see you soon” he said and left the apartment.

Kai growled, rubbed his face in frustration and decided to make himself some sandwiches. Tao left, and he could spend some time alone, not having to go back home.

It was already dark outside when he ate. He found Mari’s paintings some time later and made a few photos. He spent a long time staring at them. Her works weren’t professional, but were delicate and seemed so… alive. He traced his fingers over the paints and chose his favourites. He looked at the time and figured that Mari started her night work at the bar by now.

He had questions.

~*~

He found her wearing a black apron behind the counter and pouring some whisky into two glasses with ice. When Kai entered he bar, she glanced up at him and made a face. Her shoulders fell right away.

“Wow, your happiness upon seeing me is one of the best things in my life” he said as he sat down on the stool. “I have questions”
“I know” Mari said quietly. She handed the glassed to the customers and glanced to see if anybody else needed something. But it was a silent and calm night in the middle of the week, so she leaned on her elbows and Kai could see her very clearly right in front of him.
“You’ve got one question” she said, and Kai widened his eyes.
“One?!” he shouted, throwing his hands up. Mari took a step from the counter, crossing her arms on her chest.
“One”, she repeated.
“You’re so unfair” Kai said under his nose. “I would like to drink something good first. Something sweet and not too much alcohol”
“I could just give you coke” Mari shrugged, eyeing him suspiciously. Kai opened his mouth to protest, but actually bit his tongue, then pursued his lips.
“Yeah, I’ll go with coke” he said.

Mari made him his coke and took care for a couple that came in. Out of all the questions Kai had for Mari, he chose the one which was the most important to him, and found himself asking it the moment Mari turned to him.

“Has he ever hit you?”

The red haired looked at the glass she held, but her eyes shot up at him. They were lingering on his face for long, ten seconds.

“As I said earlier, no” she stated seriously.

Kai nodded, his insides easing up. He took a deep breath and sipped on his coke while watching Mari work. Three hours later, he had to go home, because Taemin was worrying about him and Suho made a very late supper.

“You don’t have to keep me company, Kai” Mari said to him, seeing his hesitation. He was switching his stare from the bar to his phone. “I’m okay. It’s not the first time my brother showed up like this. He’s angry with me, but he never hurt me and he won’t ever hurt me”

Kai had to trust her.

“And I’m sorry for what happened” she added.
“Don’t worry about that. As I said: it’s been worse” he send her a reassuring smile, but it only made her cringe.
“Do I want to hear about it?” she asked.
“I don’t think so” Kai actually chuckled at this, because…

Because it was over.

For the first time in two months he thought, with an ease, that it was over and that he won’t have to go through the same thing. And his insides felt warm.

He chuckled again. He left cash for the coke and a huge tip, which Mari insisted he should take back, but he already threw it into the jar, with no potion of taking it out. The red haired blushed at this and played with her fingers awkwardly.

“You’re welcome” Kai said, reading her mind, and she smiled under her nose, not looking at him.

When Kai comes home, his mother isn’t there. He doesn’t bother to ask; he’s happy that he’s away. He feels the scent of something sweet and he enters the kitchen with a dopey smile on his face. Only it disappears once Suho looks at him and gasps.

“What happened to your face?!” he asks, throwing a plate away and nearly breaking it on the counter. Kai frowns and remembers that he also got punched in the face and his cheekbone is probably swollen and red. He waves a dismissing hand at his hyung, but he’s already yanking him forward and examining his skin with warm fingers. Kai awkwardly puts his hands into the pockets of his jeans when Taemin jumps from the stairs and rubs his tummy.

“When’s the food?” he asks. He must’ve been sleeping. “Hi, Kai! Why did you leave so early today… What happened to your face?”

Kai rolled his eyes and got away from Suho’s touch. Both of his friends looks at him with wide eyes.

“I got punched! Okay?” He said, throwing his arms in the air. Again. Suho gasped and Kai just knew that once he starts talking, he won’t stop, so he covers his hyung’s mouth with his hand. “I didn’t deserve it, but it was justifiable and I’m okay”

It really was justifiable. Mari’s brother was simply worried about her, the same way he was worried about her and Tao was worried about her. Kai was a stranger his sister let in into her complicated life, and Kai, even though he was mad at the man – Jaejoong, Tao said? – he was also seeing the fact that it was brotherly love speaking through him. He didn’t know why Mari didn’t like him, but he intended to find out.

“Are you sure?” Taemin asked, looking worried. Kai nodded.
“Only super hungry” he said.

~*~

The following day, he found Mari’s door opened when he knocked and she shouted a shrieking “come in!”. He slowly entered the apartment, not daring to say a word more than “It’s me” and taking in the mess in the living room. And it was quite a mess. At first Kai couldn’t even see Mari, only her voice from the moment earlier was a proof that she was somewhere here.

“Give me a hand?” Mari finally comes into view, almost buried underneath a pile of documents, papers and binders mixed with canvas and paintings.
“What are you doing?” Kai asked, going through the piles of… something. Everything. He got close enough to pull out his hand and Mari took it, rising up, papers falling from her lap as she did.
“I’m looking for something” she said quietly. “I don’t have any food so I can’t make you breakfast, sorry”
“It’s okay” Kai mumbled as he followed her into the kitchen. Mari set the water to boil and sat by the table. “What are you looking for anyway?”
“A way out” Mari says. Kai raised his brows.
“Way out?”
“From the debt”

They stare at each other some more.

“Do you want me to help you?” he asked, but Mari shook her head as a ‘no’.
“It’s something I have to do alone. And I feel more organized that way”
“I’m not sure if it’s possible to be organized in such a mess”
“You’d be surprised. I’m an artist, remember?” Mari grinned and Kai found himself chuckling at that, corners of his lips twitching and soft, buzzing feeling creeping pleasantly into his heart.
“Want me to order something to eat?” he asked, raising a brow. Mari shook her head again. “Have you eaten anything yet?”
“I have to go to work in an hour” Mari said, sighing. “I’ll eat there”

Kai had a strong feeling that she just lied to him, but decided not to push it and ask her about her favourite colour instead.

It feels odd talking to her about such petty things. From colours, through movies and towards books, they slowly start a long conversation that seems completely out of their lifes.

He leaves not long after that. He finishes his own job at the library and messages the girl when he’s done. She sends him a quick ‘I’m good, you don’t have to pick me up’ and he walks to his own house.

It looks empty and quiet, but it isn’t. He finds Suho sprawled on the couch, watching some tv show, and his mother in the kitchen.

“Help your mom with the dishes” Suho says, pointing at the kitchen. Kai looks at him and wants to ignore his command, but Suho shots him a look. One of the ‘I’m older so you have to listen to me’ looks. And with that he can’t fight.

He slowly enters the kitchen. His mother is washing the dishes, so he takes a rug from the counter and wipes them dry. They don’t say anything for a long time. Then, his mom is turning to him suddenly and he feels his heart speeding up from panic in his chest. He expects everything, but not his mom wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him into a hug.

“I’m sorry Jongin-ah” she said quietly. A huge lump in Kai’s throat gets caught up there and he’s stiff and weak and guilty again, and his mother’s touch is burning and he just wants to get away, so he pushes her back as delicately as he can, but doesn’t hide the shudder of sudden disgust that goes through his spine, and his own reaction makes him sick. He takes a step back.

It’s still my fault. I broke us. I destroyed us.

“No” he said, his voice low and raspy, unpleasant. Even to his own ears. “You were right. It was my fault. Everything that happened is my fault. It was my fault that he started beating me up, that he started drinking, it was my fault that he got abusive and it all started because I couldn’t keep Cho Hee safe.”

His mother froze. His heart slowed down and they quickened again, blood pumping through his veins so fast and so strong that he was scared that it may rip them apart.

He haven’t spoken her name in years. And it felt weird on his tongue.

“It all started because Cho Hee died” he whimpered. He realized that he’s digging his fingernails into his arms, drawing blood; it felt odd and the pain wasn’t even feel-able before he looked at the red staining his skin. “Because I let her die”

His mother leaned on the counter and hid her face in her hands.

A sudden movement caught Kai’s attention and he saw Suho’s big, wide eyes staring at him with worry and confusion.

“Who is Choo Hee?” he asked. Kai’s head spun and he caught the edge of the counter to keep himself standing. His mother, on the other side, suddenly broke into sobs.

Kai flees out of the house, again. He messages Mari and she tells him that she’s babysitting at the same place that she was the last time. Kai finds it and she opens the door to him, so he can lean on her shoulder and hold onto her, tightly, while she rubs his back and says soothing nothing into his ears, and ruffles his hair when he’s fighting the fear, anger and sadness all in one.

Mari plants a kiss on the side of his forehead, and then on the tip of his head and then on his temple, and continue to lull him.

He calms down, but he’s so tired that he almost falls asleep in Mari’s warm arms. Her scent is now all over him and he realized that he can already recognize it very easily. It’s always the same mix of coffee, vanilla and books.

“You’re okay” she says, taking a deep breath and snuggling into the crook of his collarbones. “You’re going to be okay”.

Somehow, Kai believes her.

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Sorry for the wait again. I'm quite proud of this chapter, pls tell me wha you think about it okay? Because we're finally getting somewhere!
Also, yep, Mari's brother is this Jaejoong. And if you don't remember any Choo Hee from the story then you remember well, because it's the first time I ever brought her up, and you'll find out more about her in the next chapter. 

I had no idea if I should rate this somehow because there's some heavy language I suppose? But I hope that none of you mind it. If you do, please tell, I will change it if it make you uncomfortable. 

I don't have much to say besides this, only that Kai's blonde hair gave me feels idk what's with me and Korean men with blonde hair /sigh

Thank you for reading ♥