~chapter ten~
tiredness

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My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

Kai was following Sang Hee with his stare and smiling lightly. She was biting her lip and frowning from time to time while looking at the bracelets, necklaces and rings. She was maneuvering between the stands and avoiding the people not to bump into them. She looked pretty in the summer sun. Her skin was glowing with gold; she pulled her long hair into a bun and exposed her shoulders. Her skirt was tangling around her knees. Kai thought that she really is beautiful.

Sang Hee’s eyes widened and she beamed suddenly. She stretched her hand and touched something that Kai wasn’t able to see. After that, she started looking for him in the crowd with an adorable face. Kai chuckled. When she finally noticed him, she waved at him to come closer with a bid smile. Kai quickly approached her.

“Found something?” he asked. Sang Hee showed him a box with two silver rings. The first one was normal, without any engravers. Still, it had rounded edges and beautiful gloss. The second one was decorated with floral engraver.
“I want these” Sang Hee said and looked at him shyly. Kai frowned.
“But those are couple rings” Kai noticed and tiled his head. Sang Hee rolled her eyes and looked at him emphatically. Kai’s eyes widened and he glanced at the rings again, then at Sang Hee.
“You…”
“This one will be yours, idiot” Sang Hee mumbled and closed the box. “Will you wear it?” she asked, scratching her head. Kai looked at her and his eyes softened. He smiled widely and hugged her suddenly, making her squeal. She was skinnier than he thought.
“Of course I will” he whispered into her ear.

This time Kai woke up slowly and calmly. He could still see the bright light of that day in front of his eyes. Feel Sang Hee’s hair’s touch and her scent. For a minute after waking up, his mind realized that is not sleeping and it resulted with a sharp pain in his heart.

It was one of his happiest memories. From the time they only met. From the time when they were still in his family town. Both unhappy, both lonely. At that time they both loved each other. He closed his eyes.

“It’s so cold!” Sang Hee chimed, rubbing her hands. “I hate weather like this”
“Come closer” Kai said and stretched his hand to her. Sang Hee glanced at it and looked at Kai shyly. After that, she slowly took his hand. Their fingers tangled. Kai pulled her closer and she squeaked. It was kind of her habit. Kai put their hands in the pocket of his coat and took a deep breath.
“You are warm” Sang Hee whispered. Kai laughed and looked at her, but she was staring at the ground.
“You are, too” he said and kissed her head. Sang Hee raised her stare and they looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds. The girl smiled and Kai nodded at her playfully.

Squeeze.

Kai felt a squeeze in his stomach. Not pain, not a sharp feeling, but a squeeze. Weird squeeze. It was weird even for him. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Mari.

His eyes started straying on the ceiling when he thought of her. She was the complete opposite of Sang Hee. Sang Hee was very mature. She would never go to the slides. If she was on the swing, she would never swing. Mari was playful and a bit childish in her special way.

When Sang Hee was cute, sweet and squeaking her whole life, Mari was always in daze, but still smiling. She wasn’t showing her girly sides, she didn’t need it, Kai thought. She was girly just in her own way. Sang Hee was usually judging everyone by their looks, even though she tried to change it. Mari was respecting everyone. Sang Hee was avoiding other people. She avoided looking at them, thinking that it wasn’t fair and too nice of her. Mari kind of ignored the people – they were there, she knew, but she was feeling like she could do everything she wanted to.

Kai already noticed all of these things. Mari really was different from a lot of girls. Most of the girls Kai met tried to be cute and kind. Mari never tried, she just was. Because it was her true self. Kai guessed that people must have hurt her a lot in many different ways. And still, she didn’t hate them.

Kai wondered why he is even thinking about her. Four days passed from their meeting. By this time, his life became normal again. Well, maybe not normal, because everything was coming back to him again. His memories got sharper and more real. He remembered every dream he had about Sang Hee. He was waking up around five times in one night and couldn’t sleep for next half an hour. He was tired as hell. He wasn’t eating well too; Taemin had early practices, Suho had his studies and job, so Kai was only eating when his stomach was hurting too much or when Madame forced him to. Still, he never felt bad because of not-eating. His posture was kind of special, he was skinny, but not too much. He never looked like a skeleton.

He was taking naps in the library and after coming back home. Last days were lonely for him, but he didn’t mind. He was talking freely with Taemin only in the evenings, and his hyung was tired as well. He was visiting Xiumin when he had some free time.

He always felt a lot of sympathy to this rounded-like-a-bun boy. And he always had something yummy to give him.

Besides this, he still liked to walk around the city and finding new, interesting places. He didn’t mind being alone. Taemin’s and Suho’s absence didn’t exert a major influence on him. He was coming back with his thought to the red haired. He realized that it was nice to talk to her from time to time. Something was pulling him to her. After discovering her name, he only got more curious.

Some time ago he sat on the chair, crossed his arms and pouted. He was sitting like this, without a move, for half an hour, and thinking.

If she did something illegal for those guys to chase her, she would be in the prison a long time ago. If she would be an illegal ‘tourist’ the same thing would happen. So, these two options were false.

It meant that the men wanted something from her. Maybe she did something to them and they couldn’t forgive that. Maybe they were from some kind of mafia and she did something bad by accident. And because they were very vindictive they wanted to have their revenge.

Or!

He jumped on his chair. What if she was the daughter of a mafia boss? She ran away because she didn’t like what her father was doing. But his people were chasing her.

He realized that it was impossible after remembering her words.

“Will those men ever give you a break? Or will they follow you for the rest of your life? Do they want something big for you, or are they just stalkers? Can you break away from them somehow?” Kai asked. She hid in her hair and Kai already knew the answer. She couldn’t.
“What about the police? Can’t you tell them about this?” he asked.
“It won’t work on them. If not them, their people will still…” she said.
“Who is doing something illegal then? Them, or you?” Kai asked.

So they were going to chase her for the rest of her life. Right?

But why? Why couldn’t she tell that to the police?

It only confirmed his suspicions that she messed with a big and dangerous organization.

~*~

Kai brushed his teeth and yawned at the mirror. He became even paler than he ever was and made a grimace to his own reflection.

“Get away my eyes and I will look like Slender Man…” he mumbled and washed his face with hot water. His cheeks became pinker.

He should start eating. Even he didn’t like the way he was looking. But he knew that it wasn’t because of the eating, but because of sleeping.

His insomnia wasn’t caused by Sang Hee. When he was smaller, he always had troubles with sleeping. He got used to it very quickly. Sometimes he could sleep, sometimes not. He couldn’t sleep when he was stressed, frightened or angry. Or just sad.

You could say that his life wasn’t easy.

Kai exited the house and closed the doors. The weather was dark and depressing. Cold clouds were hanging in the sky. They looked like they were threatening him from up. Kai glared at them with dissatisfaction.

His way to library was long and tiring. The snow didn’t fall for some time and now the piles that were on the ground started to melt, making the streets and paths slippery. He remembered his fall when he met Mari and chuckled under his nose. He looked straight ahead. The man in front of him was observing him very carefully. Kai answered at his glare with a grimace and passed him without giving a . He didn’t liked the people who were glaring at him without any reason, or because they were pissed. He really hates that kind of guys.

But only after he passed him, his throat clenched and a sudden shock occurred in his mind. He slowly turned his head, just to see completely empty alley. He gulped.

It was the same guy who was chasing Mari at that time. The one who fell over that fat one. Kai shook his head and put his hands in his pockets.

Two options: I misunderstood him or he really wants the revenge.

He thought about it. If he wanted revenge, he would beat him up right now. He must’ve misunderstood him for someone. His memory was playing with him. A lot of people were naturally pissed off.

He took a deep breath. Still, it felt weird.

He finally saw the library and breathed out with an ease.

~*~

“Here you go, sir” Mari said with a tired smile and put the coffee in front of the customer. She bowed and went to the counter. The girl she was working with frowned at her.

“You look tired. Are you okay?” she asked. Mari smiled at her.
“Yeah, I’m a bit worn-out” she answered and bowed. “Thank you for asking”
“Stop being so formal!” the girl said and patted her shoulder. “We are like a family here!” she laughed. “If you need anything, even a small talk, you can always come to me. And now go rest” she finished. Mari felt her heart melt and she beamed with grateful.
“Thank you so much” she muttered. She went to the back of the café and sat on the big couch.

She had only three days left.

And she still didn’t earn enough money.

She sighed with a really tired expression. She couldn’t sleep because of her worries. Having three jobs at one time wasn’t very relaxing, too. It reminded her that only an hour and she will have to go to another job.

Think about money, money! She thought and patted her cheek lightly, closing her eyes and straightening her posture. I wonder if Kai is doing okay.

He was showing in her mind quite often. It worried her a bit. She was still scared that the men will get him finally because of her. It was stupid, because she had a load of friends, especially here. But no, they had to choose someone completely innocent, who doesn’t know her even to threaten.

She thought about borrowing some money from Jinki, but hit herself mentally in the next second. She didn’t want to have more debts, even though he was her friend and he proposed it himself.

Her mind travelled to Kai again. Thinking about him was quite relaxing. He didn’t know anything about her life. He was mysterious for her just as she was mysterious to him. He was playful, he was joking all the time, he acted like drunk by times. But of course, it wasn’t easy to trick her. She knew well about people’s behaviors and she knew well that Kai isn’t happy. Just that – he wasn’t happy. There was something which was blocking him from being happy. Every time he laughed, he twitched, as it was something bad to do. His life was messed up, but he was rather tired mentally than physically, like her. She wasn’t tired mentally. She was still fighting. She wasn’t the type of person who would give up easily. She believed that if she will work hard, everything will come out well. She just wanted to pay off that double debt for this month and then chose two jobs which will allow her to pay, but also for relaxing.

If she won’t pay in time, two options occurred: she will have to pay even more, but it will be impossible to her. Or they will just beat her up.

Thank God that they doesn’t know where I live.

Both of those options would end up in the same way: she will get beaten up.

~*~

“I have to leave in two days” Suho said to Kai, when they were eating a very late supper. He looked up at his dongsaeng. “You two will be okay right?” he asked. Kai nodded without a word and took a spoon of rice and meat in his mouth. He chewed on it for a second and swallowed.
“If…” he started. Suho glanced at him. “If you will need anything, just call us. Doesn’t matter what is it, a talk, some money, something to eat… I’m not telling that you will starve, you are going to your home after all, but if you would like to eat something ours, then just call” he said and nodded. Suho laughed.
“A talk, you say?” Suho muttered. Kai frowned and titled his head lightly in wonder.
“What?” he asked.
“You know how is it to be in love… right?” Suho asked. Kai felt a throb, but it disappeared quickly.
“Of course” he said without hesitation.
“You probably know better than anyone”
“Just ask, hyung” Kai laughed. Suho chuckled dryly and scratched his neck.
“I don’t even know…” he mumbled. “Well, when you are in love with someone, you want to know everything about this person. From date of birth to… how many spoons of sugar she’s adding to her tea” he started. Kai snorted and Suho shot him a look. Kai get rid of his smirk quickly and listened to him carefully. “But what if the person you like don’t want to talk about herself? What if she’s very distant and closed up?”

Kai stared at him in wonder. After two seconds, he opened his mouth with a quiet gasp.

“Wait, you are asking me what to do if the girl don’t want to talk to you?” he asked.
“No, no! She wants to talk to me, but not about herself” Suho said.
“Don’t ask then” Kai shrugged. Suho stared at him dumbfounded. Finally, he shook his head.
“What?” he mumbled.
“You can’t force her to tell you. You can be curious, but what will it give you to know? Are you telling everybody everything about yourself too? Of course not. Be yourself and get to know her personality first. If you are close enough, the truth will flow itself. It doesn’t matter if she’s an orphan, if she has a family or how much sugar she’s putting in her tea. This is important, but after you will get to know her well” Kai said, munching on his meat and drinking his water from time to time. Suho stared at him and then dazed into air. Kai finally finished his meal.

“Thank you for the meal” he said. Suho nodded.
“Thank you too” he said and Kai smiled under his nose while putting the dishes in the sink.

~*~

“What are you going to do with your life?!” his father screamed, making him froze and close his eyes. “Your grades are awful! You are doing nothing but dancing! Do you think that you will have food from this all dancing? Do you think that we will be here for the rest of your life to feed you and provide a roof above your head for the rest of your life?!”

Kai twitched. His father’s voice was demanding, full of anger. Kai was scared. He was shivering.

“Look at me!” the man shouted and grabbed his shoulder painfully. Kai growled and opened his eyes. His father was an inch away from him. His face was red from anger.

“Stop it, darling-“ his mom muttered quietly.
“Don’t interrupt!” he shouted and waved at her. If she would be closer, he would probably hit her. “You little piece of…”
“Min Joon!” his mom screamed and grabbed his hand. “Stop it, Min Joon, stop-“

Kai’s father slapped her cheek and she fell on the ground. Kai’s eyes widened.

“Mom-“

A hit.

It was the first time in his whole 12-year life that his father really hit him.

His cheek was burning. The tears were forming in his eyes. His throat clenched.

“Don’t you dare to even think about dancing. I will never allow you to dance” he said with disgust.

“Are you sleeping?” a voice called. Kai snapped his eyes open and stared into darkness. After two seconds, he recognized Taemin’s face and frowned with a growl. He slowly leaned on his elbow and straightened his head.
“Taemin?” he asked. “What are you doing so late?”
“Sorry” his hyung said and sat on the floor. “I woke you up, didn’t I?” he asked apologetically. “You are finally sleeping and I’m waking you up…”
“No, no, I’m happy that you woke me up” Kai said and sat on his bed. He leaned on the wall and patted the empty space beside him. Taemin sat beside him and sighed. “So? What are you doing so late?”
“I just came back” his hyung said. Kai glanced at the clock.
“It’s 1 am” he mumbled.
“Training” Taemin mumbled back. “I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like we are living in two different places lately. Too much things are in my hands… now”
“Yeah, I know, and I understand”
“You look more tired lately too”
“That’s true”
“Why?”

Kai looked at him and smiled lightly.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. Just… some memories are coming back to me with double power or something”
“What memories?”
“I don’t know why, but my parents are showing up in my dreams quite frequently. I didn’t think about them or remembering my past with them, and yet…”
“It’s weird to dream your memories” Taemin said suddenly. Kai frowned. He didn’t think about it, but yes, it was weird indeed. “Kai, I’m worried about you, you know that well”
“I know”
“You should eat more”
“Looks like my stomach shrank” Kai chuckled. Taemin was dead serious at this point.
“And also, you should see a psychologist”

If Kai would drink something in that moment, he would choke for sure. He stared at his hyung with wide eyes.

“What?!” he shouted suddenly. Taemin put his hand on his mouth to shut him up and shushed him. Kai repeated. “What?”
“You heard me. You can’t sleep. I know that it’s not the first time, but it’s pretty serious, don’t you think? Why can’t you sleep even? Because of memories? Kai, why can’t you just… let go the past?”
“Because I can’t”
“Why, Kai?”
“Maybe because I have no future” Kai said strongly to him, making Taemin freeze completely.

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Filler chapter is boring as hell.
And I know well that it’s boring, I’m so sorry for that. But real action is coming, so don’t kill me. But well, all the chapters are quite important. We have something about Kai’s parents, more angst, more depressions asdfghl sorry for that. And I will remind one more time, I will be updating every two/three days. If the school will get worse and I will have no time, updates will be once a week (I hope not). Thank you for reading and commenting!