~chapter sixteen~
little steps
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Who will fall far behind?

Mari didn’t thought that he will really visit her. She thought that he was just joking or it was because of an impulse. But then, she heard a knock – not on the door thought, but on the window. She jumped on the sofa and stared at the balcony. In complete darkness, she saw a silhouette and her eyes widened with fear. But the person leaned closer and his face appeared in the dim light of the TV.

Mari exhaled loudly and ran towards the balcony with anger. She opened it, cold wind flew to her apartment and she smacked Kai’s head.

“Why are you entering by the balcony?” she asked, making a face. “How did you even get up here?”
“It’s not this high. I felt like back in high school!” Kai said with excitement. Mari remembered that he was used to climbing and doing stuff like this; just like her.
“And I’m entering by the balcony because some guys didn’t want to let me in” he added. Without hesitation, he pushed her to the side and closed the balcony, shivering violently.
“Wait, what-“  Mari whispered. No guy beside Jinki and Hoya ever entered her apartment and she felt embarrassed.
“Sorry for interrupting” Kai said quickly. “Why is it so dark here?” he asked, spotting the lamp. He turned it on and the small room with a sofa, TV, table, two armchairs and a big bookshelf appeared around him. Everything was super-tidy, but random stuff was laying everywhere. Some materials on the table, miscellaneous figures on the counters. TV was set on some old movies channel.
“I will make you some tea” Mari said, scratching her neck. She passed him and Kai looked around. There were two door arches, one on the left, one in front of him. The front ones leaded him to the hallway and then to the kitchen. He took off his jacket and went to the hallway to hang it on the wall.
“Why do you need my help?” Mari asked, taking out the tea.
“I called her” Kai said entering the kitchen. Red haired smiled.
“And?”
“Nothing. I heard her voice and panicked. That’s why I need you”

Mari looked at him, frowning.

“To do what?”
“Everything seems simpler when you’re around. I want you to keep an eye on me and stop me from hanging up”

She had to think about it for a moment and finally laughed.

“Are you a child?” she asked, leaning on the counter. The water was already boiling.
“I’m this type of guy” Kai said honesty “that sometimes needs a strong kick on the . I need you beside me. Or I won’t be able to talk to her. Tell me what to do. If you’ll tell me, then I will be able to”

The red haired eyed him. His red nose, messy hair and wide shoulders. He had cracked lips. She realized that the water was boiled and made tea for him.

“Four spoons of sugar please” Kai said quietly, looking at her movements.
“There’s just one thing I have to know if you want me to help you. And you have to tell me this”
“I knew that it’s gonna happen” Kai growled. He thought about the offer. “Okay. Information for information”
“Deal” Mari stretched out her hand and Kai shook it.

They sat in the living room, on the floor. Kai leaned on the sofa an Mari was sitting cross-legged opposite of him.

“Why did you leave your mom?” Mari asked.
“My parents didn’t want to me come here. I had to fight with them for a long time. My mom would probably let me go, but she was scared of my father who was opposing. It got really bad quickly. So I left by myself”
“And why are you scared that your mom is in danger?” Mari asked, frowning. “Is it…” she wondered. “Is it your dad you’re afraid of?”

Kai didn’t answer, but that was the same as verification.

“Was he violent?”
“Yeah, you can say so” Kai answered, looking her in the eyes. It was so easy to tell her this. Even Taemin didn’t know a lot. But he just sat in front of her, she asked – and he answered. It was simple. There was no awkwardness. No fear that she will think of something bad.

It was such a wonderful feeling, that he wanted to hug her in the same second. He only remembered the moment when she hugged him; it was when she thanked him for catching her and saving her life.

“You knew that he’s like that, so why did you leave?” she asked with a hint on anger in her voice.
“I was selfish. And I didn’t… I don’t know. I thought that she’s going to be alright. Without me…

I thought that without me, it will be easier for her” he looked on the floor again.

Mari wondered about his past. He was easy-going, sometimes pretty depressed, but most of the time, he didn’t give a damn about anything around him. He looked very straightforward too. But he was hiding so much pain inside him. What could’ve happened to him and his parents?

“Call her then” Mari whispered. “I already told you. There’s no love sincerer… more honest… and bigger than mother’s love” she looked at him with glassy eyes. “No one will ever love you stronger. No matter how you act or what stupidity you’ve done”

It sounded so clear and simple in her lips.

“Also, she’s someone that you love even though she sometimes doesn’t keep her promises” Mari laughed, but Kai didn’t understand it at all. “She will tell you that she won’t take you to the doctor next time, that she won’t make you sandwiches if you don’t eat them, or she’s picking you up from the party for the last time. But she never keeps these words. And that’s why we love her. Well, not just because of that… but that’s one of the main reasons”
“You were really close with your mom, weren’t you?” Kai asked, nodding at her lightly. Mari smiled with sadness, but nodded energetically.
“So… where is she now? What happened to her?” the boy asked, scratching his head.
“I was seventeen when she died” Mari answered simply. “She was ill. Nothing could help her. She wanted to stay alive, but I think she just wasn’t strong enough” she sighed deeply, looking down and covering her face with red hair. “I have so many memories of her. She will never leave me. I know how hard it is to love your mom sometimes. How hard it is to believe that you’re the most important thing to her. But in the end, it comes out and you realize that her every move was done for you. And you regret that you didn’t spend enough time with her or that you didn’t look for her good enough. And it’s painful”.

The red haired looked at Kai, who was patiently hearing her out, playing with the carpet in the same time. His heart was beating fast and clenching; it hurt him. And when he saw her pained expression, it was even worse. His mother’s face was appearing in his mind over and over again. She tried so many times to contact him. She finally gave up, but Kai knew that she still called Taemin from time to time.

“I’m sorry for your mom” he said sincerely. Mari nodded without a word.
“Let’s call your mom now” she answered after a minute.

Kai held his breath in.

Seven minutes later, they were sitting in silence, and he dialed the number on Mari’s cell phone. This time, it was his mom’s personal number.

Three signals passed and he was getting more nervous with every second. The red haired girl observed him as he was biting his lip and looking everywhere around the room. She pinched him lightly on the hand and Kai regained his focus; just in the moment his mother spoke on the phone.

“Hello?” she said, her voice quiet, a bit formal, but with a hint of tiredness.

Mari stared at the cell and then at Kai, who froze completely with opened mouth. He swallowed hard.

“Hello?” his mom repeated.

Mari smacked Kai’s shoulder and he jumped.

“Um…” he said awkwardly. His voice got deep and husky. Mari almost giggled.
“Don’t be scared” she whispered, poking his shoulder again, very gently this time.
“Hello? I can’t hear you” his mom said. Hearing her voice after such a long time was weird, but made him happy. His heart was beating like crazy.
“Um…” he said again. He was opening his mouth to say a word, to say a simple ‘hi’, but then, his mom disconnected.

The room was filled with the sound of the signal.

Mari watched Kai carefully. He didn’t move an inch for w minute. Then, his right eyes trembled and he fell on the floor with a loud growl suddenly.

“THAT WAS SO SCARY!” he shouted unbelievably loudly.
“Shh!” Mari hushed him. She took her phone and went closer to him. She leaned a bit above him to see if he’s alright. Kai felt her shampoo and strand of her hair on his cheeks. He wanted to catch them and feel their softness. He opened his eyes and she smiled, leaning back.
“That’s enough for today” she stated, smiling. “You were brave” she added, making an impressed face and nodding. Kai laughed.
“I’m exhausted” he growled, closing his eyes. Dim light of the lamp was calming and there was a scent of flowers and something sweet in the air. Even the carpet got softer.
“She sounds… good” he whispered.
“She sounds healthy” Mari added. “Not very happy, but she’s alright. Not so tired. Your voice is always different when you talk to a stranger”.

Kai smiled. He heard her getting up.

“You helped me a lot” he said, before she exited the room. She stopped. Kai couldn’t see her shocked expression when he told it. But Mari’s heartbeat increased. It was probably the third time.

Was she really this much of a help?

She wondered.

~*~

“I don’t want to get out” Kai growled, when Mari tried to push him out of the doors outside. “These guys are still standing there, I don’t want to~”, he almost sang. The red haired laughed and pushed him again. This time, they both got out with a thud and Kai almost slipped on the stairs. Five pairs on curious eyes turned to them.
“You…” some guy said, pointing at Kai. “How did you get inside?!” he shouted. Boys around him laughed, together with Mari. Kai looked at the ground awkwardly, a bit pissed off.
“You would make no bodyguard, Myungsoo” Mari said, chuckling. “Guys, this is Kai. He’s my friend and from now on, you are allowed to let him in, unless he will do something stupid and I will tell you not to let him pass. Understood?”
“Yesssir!” everybody said in the same time. Only this guy, Myungsoo, was looking at them with suspicion. He was leaning on the wall and biting insides of his cheeks.
“Mari. And a guy. In her apartment” he said. “For me, it sounds odd”

Everybody looked at her with raised brows, but she laughed loudly.

“With him?” she asked, pointing at Kai, and then scoffed. “Please. Besides, I never let in guys stronger than me”
“Yah!” Kai shouted, making everybody laugh.
“That explains why I’ve never seen Tao at your place” some guy with tiny eyes said.

Mari rolled her eyes, poked Kai’s shoulder and they got off the stairs.

“I will be back in ten minutes!” she shouted to the gang.
“See you, newcomer!” somebody said and Kai waved to them, but didn’t even look in their direction. Mari laughed at him.

They were walking in silence. When they were halfway, Kai turned to her and stretched out his hand.

“Thank you” he said. Mari squeezed it without a word. “And see you soon”
“Yeah” the red haired replied with a smile. “Goodnight”
“Goodnight” Kai answered and smiled.

It was an instant, almost invisible smile; but it was probably the most sincere of all that Mari have seen on Kai’s face. Her heart stopped and throbbed.

When he was walking away, she was looking at him all the time. The invisible weight he carried earlier got lighter.

He turned to her and waved one more time. Mari raised her hand a bit and waved back. With a cheesy smile on her face, she returned home safely.

~*~

Kai came back home to find Taemin sleeping on the sofa. He covered him with a blanket took off some bracelets he was wearing. He heard footsteps behind him and turned.

Suho was looking at him patiently. His eyes were shining in the darkness. Kai realized that he still hasn’t apologized for his sudden outburst a few days ago.

Suho was right about the ‘parents’ thing. He told him the same thing Mari did – they he will regret that he didn’t keep in touch with his family. Or at least with his mother.

He went to Suho and bowed lightly and quickly. The older boy was so surprised that he took a step back.

“What-“
“I’m sorry for acting like this” Kai said. “I was wrong and I feel terrible. You are right most of the time, but I never listen, and in the end, I always have to apologize. I’m sorry this time too” he said.

Suho smiled immediately.

“I suppose that’s part of growing up” he said, patting Kai’s shoulder. The younger boy smiled with his usual, kind of practiced smile.
“I also…” Kai started. He never told them this kind of things. They didn’t talk about family because he didn’t want to. But he wanted to open himself up. To trust Suho and Taemin.

He knew that they will support him no matter what.

“I also contacted my mom” he said quietly. Suho’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth to say something, but Kai quickly stopped him from doing so.
“I didn’t talk to her. I just heard her voice. Telling you this is already stressful, so please don’t ask more questions. Also, don’t talk about my father” he said, almost reciting.

Suho nodded, but he was smiling like a little retard, what made Kai chuckle.

“Goodnight Hyung” he said, passing him and hiding his hands to the pockets of his jeans.
“Goodnight” Suho whispered, smiling.

~*~

This night, only one dream got into Kai’s head. It was a violent dream. He was getting sweaty and couldn’t wake up. He heard his father’s laugh and shouts. He felt his skin being hit and cut. After that, he heard his parents whispering lovably to each other. But when his father realized that Kai was looking, he shut the door in front of his nose. That sound of the doors being shut echoed in his mind. He felt hot. He looked at his arms covered in blood. That was the blood which was so hot and stinging.

Kai really wanted this dream to stop. And it did, when the blood on his arms transformed into Mari’s long hair. She was now looking at him and checking if he has a fever. Just like when they met in that cold night and she bought him hot soup.

When he opened his eyes, it was already morning. He could remember the dream for a few seconds, but then, he remembered only Mari in this dream. And he also realized that he was rested. For the second time after two years.

I guess that she really is my light in the tunnel, he thought.

The day started beautifully for him. He thought: why can’t I change it? Change my life? Start anew? I don’t need new place. It’s my home already, with Taemin and Suho. I can forget about Sang Hee. Get in touch with my mom. Do…

Right, what should I do?

I can’t be working in the library for the rest of my life.

I can’t dance.

And I also can’t get to the college just like that. I would need to take some tests…

But what college? What would he study?

His shoulders got heavy again.

He wanted to eat pancakes, go to library, read a book, pet Dante, and meet Mari.

He exhaled deeply and get his phone. He wrote a message.

Are you babysitting today?

He waited twenty minutes for her answer. She was probably working. In this time, he took a shower and got dressed.

Yep.

“What’s with that answer?” he mumbled to himself, packing some of the things to the pockets of his jacket.

Can I come?

This time, he didn’t wait long; she wrote right away.

I’m starting at 2 pm.

Kai smiled under his nose. That was happening to him more recently lately. He got out of their home and went to the pancakes restaurant Mari showed to him. He wanted to eat big pancakes with fruits and whipped cream.

                ~*~

“Ahjussi! Truth or dare!” Eunhee shouted.
“Aish!” Kai shouted back, raising his hand as he wanted to slap him on the head. “I’m not an ahjussi! Truth!” he said, nodding energetically. Everyone laughed.
“How long did your first relationship lasted!”
“Two days!”

Everybody burst out laughing.

“No way!” Mari giggled.
“I was seven and I was a charming young boy” Kai shrugged.
“And where’s your charm now?” Yongjin asked innocently. Kai pinched her nose and laughed.
“Okay, my turn” Mari said, looking at Eunhee.
“Okay noona” the boy said, thinking deeply. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare!” Mari said. There was a quiet “whoooo” and even Kai joined the kids.
“Then” Eunhee said quietly. “Kiss Kai ahjussi on the cheek”.

Mari blushed lightly and Kai chocked on air. He looked at the boy with wide eyes.

“Bwoh?” he managed to say.
“No! I won’t!” Mari said, shaking her head crazily, but smiling. Kai laughed loudly and laid on the floor, holding his tummy.
“You have to. If not, you will have to do thirty exercise pumps, twenty sits-ups, and run around the house! You don’t want to do that, right? So just kiss him on the cheek and be grateful that I didn’t tell you to kiss him on the lips”

Mar got even redder, but Kai continued to laugh. Mari thought that he looked even better when laughing, but right now he was pissing her off.

“FINE!” she shouted, and before Kai knew, she was sitting beside him. He looked at her, surprised, and she kissed him on the cheek.

It was almost undetectable, but his cheek got hot and he covered it with his own hand right away. His expression was just priceless. Mari scoffed.

“What…” he mumbled. All the kids laughed and started rolling on the floor.
“So cute!” Dongkyung shouted. “You should get married”
“Yah! Next person!” Mari said, throwing a mascot at him.
“Kai, now it’s your turn to ask” Eunhee said, giving him the magic mascot that allowed him to ask questions.

He was thinking for a long time, because he was supposed to ask Mari.

“Truth or dare?” he asked.
“Truth. I won’t pick dare again, since you guys have really stupid ideas” she rolled her eyes. Eunhee laughed and grabbed her hand in a sign of affection.
“Okay” Kai said, taking a deep breath. “Do you think that we can fix out lives?”

Mari froze. The kids only frowned and started bickering between each other very quickly. The question wasn’t too interesting.

For the red haired, it was almost the question of her life.

“Do you?” Kai whispered to her.

She nodded. Slowly and hesitantly, but nodded.

“I do” she answered. “It’s possible. But you have to start from the beginning. Fix every thing that worries you or makes you feel guilty”.

Kai blinked a few times and looked on the floor. The kids the TV and watched some cartoons.

“I will make dinner” Mari said and smiled to him. 

For the rest of the day, Kai was sitting unbelievably quietly and stealing looks at the red haired from time to time. His life got more colorful when she joined it. And now he was glad that he met her under that bridge, because she was keeping him away from the past. He felt like he’s really living now. 

And maybe he will really be able to fix his life. 

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I promise that it will get more interesting from now on.