understanding
Skinny Love
~chapter twenty-six~
understanding
____________________________________________
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Mari doesn't ask.
She simply waits until Kai is calm enough to be able to stand on his own; he finds it unbelievably hard to do. His legs are numb and all his body is sore, and he's so tired.
Then Mari looks him in the eyes once, ruffles his hair in a very delicate manner, and passes him, walking towards the living room. Kai follows shortly after. He spots Eunhee on the couch; the younger boy had his hair cut and he looked more like a boy, less like a girl.
"Hey little guy" he says, and Eunhee slowly turns his head from the TV. It looks creepy, to be honest, and Kai waves at him awkwardly. Little boy's face lits up immediately after that, he shouts a happy "ahjushhi!" and suddenly Dongkyung runs out from the bathroom and collides with him.
Both boys are on his sides suddenly, jumping and hugging his legs and waist, and he's probably looking like a lost puppy. He also feels a tiny bit of panic, but it's a different kind of panic. He just doesn't know how to handle kids, and he made it pretty obvious the last time he was babysitting them with Mari. He pats both boys on the heads and backs and they fill the silence in his head with instant chattering about random things, from school to cartoons and super heroes, and this... he can actually work with that, because when Dongkyung mentions Batman, he's the first one to babble about him, hands flailing in the air.
He's quickly drawn into a very eloquent conversation with two little boys, all three of them sitting on the couch, TV on, but they don't really watch it. Mari comes to them and hands them all mugs of cocoa, and Kai looks up at her and then feels embarrassment and shame. He looks on the floor and scratches his neck not so discretly.
Mari actually joins them in their conversation. Her favourite superhero is Spider-Man. Kai is convinced that she only liked him because of Andrew Garfield, and Mari shrugs.
"Wow, if I wouldn't be really fond of you I would give you a talk about how deep Peter Parker's character is and why you shouldn't pick your favourite superheros basing only on their looks" he says, drinking his cocoa, and it's sweet and warm, and he feels all fuzzy inside once again, as Eunhee climbs onto his side and emraces him like a monkey. Mari smiles at the sight.
"I'm gonna skip the part of you saying like you're fond of me and won't tease you about it" she states, and Kai chokes on his cocoa. "But you can't say I don't understand the character, I totally do, but man, have you seen Garfield's biceps?" she says with a dreamy roll of her eyes. Kai scoffs.
"I feel like some gay friend" he says, and Dongkyung perks up, all curious.
"Are you gay?" he asks. Kai throws pillow on him.
Eunhee falls asleep on his stomach and it should be uncomfortable, only it isn't. Mari takes Dongkyung to their room and sets him to sleep.
"Help me to get him up?" she asks and points to Eunhee. Kai looks at the small frame and pursues his lips.
"Would it be weird if I would like to stay like this a bit longer?" he looks up to see Mari's raised brows. But she shooks her head.
"Not at all" she says softly and sits beside him on the couch. She turns on her side, so she's facing Kai fully, and then props herself on her arm. "What was that about today, Kai?" she finally asks, question which Kai knew will pop out today at some point said by her softly. She looks conserned and worried, and he knows she is really concerned.
He's absently running his fingers through Eunhee's short hair and he sighs.
"It's-" he starts, but doesn't really know what to say. "My mom, uh. It's not- I can't- I have those weird. Uh"
It's probably the first time he doesn't know how to use his words properly. Mari's face doesn't change at all, she's still listening, only a bit confused.
Kai takes a deep breath.
"I have those really weird dreams" he finally says, deciding on starting from the beginning. "I don't remember them when I wake up, but I wake up all-" he makes some weird motion with his hand, not sure what he wants to show by that. Mari raises her brows.
"Post-nightmared?" she asks. Kai scrunches his nose and looks at her, frowning.
"Is that a word?" he questions, and Mari shrugs innocently, hint of a smile playing on her lips. "Anyway, I, uh. Well you know the whole thing about my father" the word feels weird on his tongue. He rarely uses it. He thinks it a lot, but seldom uses it. Mari swallows, and it's weirdly comforting, because it looks like she's as emotional as him. Which is weird, but still comforting. "We can't get used to it, you can say, I-"
Suddenly, all of the emotions comes back crushing him, and he stops breathing and talking abruptly. How can he tell Mari that he's guilty and that he wants to go back in time and prevent from all the things with his father from happening? How can he tell Mari that he destroyed his own family, that it all started from him being a stupid kid?
Only Taemin knew how all of this happened, started, because Taemin was there at that time, almost eight years ago.
He doesn't want to tell Mari. He doesn't want to because for her, family was everything; his mother was everything. Maybe she wasn't getting along with her brother, but they were still caring for each other, doesn't matter how weird their relationship actually was. So he shut his mouth and hid his face behing his hand, rubbing at it absently.
"You don't have to tell me" Mari says, soothingly. It's quiet and all the voices in his head seems to get quieter. He sighs again. Gosh, he sighs all the time. "Just... God, Kai. Stop being guilty about it. Stop thinking that you did something bad or wrong. You did what you had to do; you made a right decision. You were incredibly brave, you know that, right?" she says. It makes Kai's heart melt at some point, and he's slowly turning into some weird, gooyed substance, because of the fear and tiredeness and also warmth and solace.
He turns at her, and Mari's eyes are shining and deep as ever.
"I had a sister" he mutters. "I was responsible for her. But she died"
Mari's beautiful eyes gets wide and teary. She lets out a strangled gasp and covers with her palm. She turns away from Kai, letting that sink in, and she blinks away the tears. Kai has to do the same, her expression isn't really helpful either.
Sharp pain tears his ribcage and he can't breath again. Mari turns at him. He's pursuing his lips, frowning deeply, and stopping tears from flowing. It's easy. It's something he'd done many times. Mari looks wounded and incredibly vulnerable, and she pulls him into a hug. It's warm and soft, and he's okay again.
Her touch is soothing. Always has been. From the moment they first touched, he knew that he doesn't mind, that her fingers are gentle and meant for protecting things, not destroying them. Even though her fingertips were rough from holding a brush and instant working, they were also warm and smooth.
"It's not your fault" she says somewhere around his ear. "I don't know what's happened, but it's not your fault, Kai" she repeats. Kai laughs dryly, because yes, it is.
"She died because of me" he says.
"Don't say that"
"Mari" he grabs her wrist and pulls her away from himself. They're inches apart, and both staring into each other's eyes. "You don't know what happened. Don't tell me it's not my fault when everybody knows it is"
Mari bites her lips, then nods.
"Okay. I won't. But I want to know"
It's this part of his past that he never unfolded to anyone. Besides Taemin obviously. He has so many friends and they're all worrying about him and supports him (and they've supported him even during the Sang Hee's phase), but they don't really know anything about him. People he knew for years.
And here he was, telling his life story to a girl she met, what? Six months ago? Maybe even less. He doesn't remember correctly. He knew he met her in winter; now it was the end of the February and it was getting warmer every day.
"We all got over her death at some point" he starts, and it comes out more emotional than it should. His words are harsh, but his voice is broken and quiet and full of sadness, like it's a bad thing that they got over it. "It was never the same again though. There was always someone missing. There was always this deep hole in out hearts, you just can't replace anybody. When someone dies, it's like-"
He doesn't have to finish his thought, because Mari simply nods and Kai knows that she understands.
"But that's how it all started" he says, out of breath, because memories are painful. They stang and bite in the most random moments and places. He feels like his soul is burning. "This is why father started hating me, and my mom got depressed, and everything tumbled down"
"Are you blaming yourself for her death?"
"Of couse I am" Kai looks down. He has been observing Mari all this time. "I am, but... I got used to it"
He got used to the instand guilt in his chest. Random memories of Cho Hee popping in his mind while walking through the city or hanging out with friends. Waves of sadness upon seeing her old photos. She was just a little girl, and he let her die, because he was too busy with himself.
Guilt was something that never left him, so he decided that he can just learn how to live with it. It was easy most of the time. Sometimes, the pain was crushing down at him.
Mari looks thoughtfull. Then, she actually shares a fact about her, that makes Kai's heart sink. She probably says it because she feels like it's the right thing. Kai showed her his soft point. Vulnerable part of him. She did the same.
"I get panic attacks quite often" she says quietly.
After that, it's silent. Eunhee is snorting slightly, it's dark, and the only light is the one that TV gives away. Then Mari snorts quietly and Kai frowns at her.
"We sound like a couple of depressed teenagers" she says. "We're this close from writing some deep posts on tumblr about our feelings"
That actually makes Kai smile a bit.
"It's more like a support group meeting" he says, more like whispers, because they both don't want to wake the little boy on the couch, who is currently clinging onto Kai's t-shirt.
"So we're each other's support" Mari says, rising a brow.
"Well if you haven't noticed yet..." Kai trails off. Mari shoves his head slightly. Then she looks at his lap. "We should put him to sleep"
"Sure, but first" Kai says. "Tell me about your debt"
Mari shifts uncomfortably and bites her lips. But she's not nervous. If she would be, she would play with her fingers. Kai already picked out that habit of hers. She was hesitant.
In the same time, she trusted Kai, and it made her stomach twirl a little, because trust was a heavy word, and it wasn't something to joke around with, not in her life.
"It's not mine" she says, and Kai leans back, exposing his neck, with a loud "Thank God". Mari rolls her eyes. Then she eyes him suspiciously.
"You had your own suspicions?" she asks.
"Of course I had. But, I know it'll sound creepy, somehow knew that the debt wasn't yours. You're just... not the type"
Mari wants to comment on that. She doesn't.
"It's my dad's" she sayd instead. Kai thinks through it.
"That's why your brother is so angry about this whole thing" he states, not asks, and Mari nods. "Is your father even alive?"
"He is"
That makes Kai's blood boil in his veins and he's this close to jumping from the couch, when he feels weight on his lap and reminds himself about Eunhee. Mari looks at him slightly amused.
"Then why the -"
"Shh!" Mari flicks him on the forehead. "He'll hear it and pick it up" she points an the little boy. "He gave it to me. And took off"
With that, Kai's mouth opened. He had so many sentences pushing a his tounge at that moment. Most of them started with "What a...", "Are you serious", and "That's insane, what kind of person he is". Nothing comes out instead. He just stares.
"Yeah" Mari says. "Let's get him upstairs".
There's silence between them again, but eventually, their conversation is finished. Kai scoops Eunhee up and takes him to his room. They put his onto the bed, and Mari wraps him in blankets, puts his favourite stuffed toy besides him - it's a giraffe, Kai notes - and they go down in the same moment her boss shows up on the doorstep. She eyes them carefully (and a bit like a wild cat would eye its prey) and then grins widely.
"Had a good time, kids?" she asks, but doesn't wait for an answer. She hands Mari the cash, pats Kai on the shoulder and is already in the kitchen, making herself coffee. Kai raises his brows at this, it's 8 pm and the woman is making coffee.
"I don't want to be interrupting-" he starts.
"Then don't" both Mari and her boss says, and he closes his mouth with a clang of his teeth. When they go outside, Mari explains to her that her boss is super sensitive about her coffee and the first time Mari said it was unhealthy for her to drink it this late she got the most scary look ever. And she knew some very scary looks.
Kai takes her to the bar she works at and they're quiet on their way. Finally, the boy glances at her with the corner of his eye and Mari glances back just to smile.
"It's okay" she says. "And thank you for telling me"
Kai takes a deep breath and nods energetically.
"Okay. Good." He's really relieved.
When they go to the bar it's a little bit more crowded than the last time. Kai spots Kibum around the counter and frowns his brows. He quickly pulls Mari back to lean towards her and whisper to her ear.
"You know Kibum?"
"You mean Key?" she makes sure and then nods. "Yep, we've worked together for quite a long time now. Why? He's your friend?"
"Yeah. Jonghyun is pinning after him"
"Jonghyun?" Mari raises a brow and smirks. "Are you serious? Key is like obsessed with him, he talks about him all the time"
"Story of my life" Kai shots her a knowing smile and Mari laughs. They proceed towards the counter. Kai winks at Kibum and he frowns.
"You guys know each other?" he asks, pointing at them both. Mari makes her way behind the car, pulling on her apron, and beams at Key. He looks amused and a tiny bit suspicious.
"She's a regular at the library" Kai explains. It's not entirely true, but it's the best way to explain. He can't tell him that he met her while some gangsters were chasing her and then got beaten up by them and they they became friends. Kai had too many sarcastic remarks about this story to even contain them.
Mari and Kibum work together in a unison and Kai realizes that they have some kind of a finger language or something going on between them. Sometimes Mari's knowing stare is enough for Kibum to notice some clients she doesn't want to take care of or stuff like this. Kai finds himself drawn into their nonverbal conversation.
"How long have you known each other?" he asks out of curiosity. Kibum looks at him thoughtfully.
"Around... two years?" he says.
"He actually got me a job here" Mari adds, shaking some bottle. Kai sips on his coke. When the girl pours alcohol into a glass, she goes to the client and he pays her right away. She comes back with a tip which she puts into a jar. "He's a friend of Hoya's friend"
Kai lets that sink in and nods shortly.
After that, another bartender shows up (his name is Kyungsoo and he has the most ridiculous pair of eyes Kai ever seen. He spends the next five minutes to stare at him and Kyungsoo is really uncomfortable, so Mari flicks Kai's forehead and tells him to behave). Then, all four of them talk about music and concerts, and they somehow end their conversation by talking about Taemin and his dancing. Kyungsoo shots his finger up in a weird 'Eureka!' manner.
"I know him!" he says. "Well, I don't know him personally, but I've seen him dance a few times. Also, he's pretty famous around the city, isn't he?"
"Yep, I-give-autographs-on-the-streets famous" Kai nods with a proud smile.
"Lay is kinda obsessed with his dancing" Kyungsoo adds and Kai gets stiff, because Lay is the boy who hugged Mari that time they were selling her paints. He's also incredibly close to the girl and when Kai thinks about him, he feels a pang of jealousy deep inside his chest. "He's in the same agency even. He looks up to him I guess"
Kyungsoo shots Kai the look and the boy growls, knowing excatly what the other boy want to do.
"You want me to introduce them to each other, don't you?" he looks up with a pissed smile. Mari laughs, which, traitor. "Listen, I've only seen Lay once in my life, and I don't think that he likes me much"
"Maybe, but he likes Taemin" Kyungsoo says, leaning on the counter. His eyes are even bigger now and reminds Kai owl's eyes. "In a friendly manner. He wants to meet him and share some ideas"
"Then why doesn't he just ask him? He looked pretty confident"
"Not when it comes to dancing, dude" Kibum says suddenly. "Besides, this guy is awkward"
"Please, Kai" Kyungsoo claps his hands together, placing a cloth beside him a second before.
Kai thinks about it for a minute. Mari and Kibum turns to him, and Mari makes such a pleading expression at him that he has to growl and rub his face with his hands.
"Okay, okay!" he finally states, shooting his hands up. "Okay. I'll tell him and I'll introduce them... somehow". He remembers that Mari wanted to sell some paintings tomorrow and he has them at his house, so he wants to start the topic. But as soon as he says "Ma-" the girl slaps him with a cloth, and Kai jumps on the chair, startled. Both Kibum and Kyungsoo eyes them suspiciously.
"What the?" Kai asks, completely taken aback. Mari is blushing.
"You had a spider on your shoulder" she says. "Must've fallen from the ceiling"
That makes sanse. Kyungsoo laughs nervously.
"Oh dude. That was scary. Quite some ninja moves you have there" he says to Mari. Both him and Kibum has to take care of the customers, and Mari leans towards Kai and yanks him by his shirt, looking furious.
"Don't use my real name!" she hisses.
"Then how-"
"Help me on the back" Kibum nudges Mari's elbow and she follows him.
Kai is confused and his neck hurts from the touch of the rag. It's red too. It will be gone very soon, but it still feels weird. He just got hit with a cloth.
All his thoughts about Mari's weird behaviour are gone when he sees Donghae entering the bar.
He perks from beside the counter and waves at the policeman. Donghae spots him, frowns, stops on his tracks, and then smiles, recognizing him. He joins him, sitting on his right.
"Jongin-ah, nice to see you" he says. Kai thanks the heavens that his bruise from yesterday is mostly gone and it's pretty dark in the bar, so the man doesn't see it.
"Likewise" he says to the policeman. Kyungsoo comes to him and Donghae orders a scotch.
"Another coke?" Kyungsoo asks Kai and he nods. They wait until Kyungsoo pours them their drinks until they speak again.
"How're you doing?" Donghae asks with that dazzling smile of his which reminds Kai of someone. He didn't have time to figure out who does he remind him.
"I'm okay" Kai says. But he already learned that Donghae is a dog for lies (with no purpose of offending policemen) and as soon as he says it, the older man is raising his brows and shots him a look. "Well, I'm better than I was a few weeks ago. I'll be okay"
"You know that you can always inform us if you're not feeling well. We can set you up with..." he wants to say psychologist, but Kyungsoo is not so far away, wiping a glass, so he doesn't. "With the right person" he says instead, and Kai is really, really grateful.
"Nah" he says, sipping on his coke. "I'm fine"
"What about your mother?"
"I think she's confused?" Kai asks. That earns him a worried look. "I think that she still doesn't know what he feels about the whole thing"
Kibum and Mari are back, and the girl stares at Donghae from under her lashes. Kai turns slightly in his chair. He wants to introduce them, but rememeber about Mari telling him not to tell her real name. So he pretends that he doesn't know her.
She kind of lures around them from then on. She already know about the whole thing with the police, court and his father, but he doesn't want her to know everything. He doesn't want her to know that Donghae is a cop or that his mother is having second thoughts. He glares at him and she shrugs cockily.
"She's torn apart" Kai says a little quieter. "Between feeling guilty and happy"
Donghae nods. He drinks on his scotch lazily, his brows frowned.
"I'm sorry. You probably came here to chill out a bit, and here you meet a poor teenager with an abusive father whos case you had to take" Kai says drily. Donghae frowns even more, and shakes his head.
"Oh, no, don't say that" he puts a warm head on the nape of his neck and rubs it soothingly. "I'm glad to see you in one piece. And you know thta if you ever want to talk to me, you can"
"Yeah" Kai nods and smiles at him. It's a genuine smiles and he doesn't show it to a lot of people. Donghae though is warm, honest and strong, like an older brother.
An older brother he should've been.
The thought strikes him like a bolt and his face fells. He coughs. Donghae sees his sudden change, but doesn't say anything. Kai looks for something to say, anything, and he blurts a question.
"Do you ever take some organized crime cases?" he asks. He sees Mari stumbling on her feet and she almost fells on the floor with two glasses in her hands. Donghae doesn't see that, thank god, but Mari shots him the most venomous stare she's capable of. Kai ignores her.
"Not many of them" Donghae says. "There's basically just one of those here. I shouldn't really tell you that though"
Kai nods.
"Yeah, I know. Still curious though, and you're the only cop I know, so..."
"But why? You've seen them?"
"Well, um" Kai looks at Mari. She seems teriffied. Kyungsoo nudges her towards the customers, so she has to turn back. "I guess. Well lately I'm paying more attention to that stuff, and I see people doing weird... things, and I was just wondering"
Donghae eyes him suspiciously.
"You didn't get into any trouble, did you?" he asks. Before Kai has a chance to answer, Donghae is speaking again. "If anything happens, if anybody follows you or you don't feel safe, you can tell me, I can-"
"No, no" Kai waves his hands. Kyungsoo shows up and fills Donghae's glass with amber fluid again. "I don't know, I got interested in that"
Donghae hums.
"Just... don't do anything weird, okay, Jongin-ah?"
"I won't" Kai smiles reasurringly. Mari is back, wiping glasses and looking at him and back at Donghae. "But what do you do when you find out about some weird things?"
Mari gets paler, but listens to Donghae's peaceful voice.
"It depends on the situation"
"Well, like... I see some weird guys taking money from another person, but not like stealing them. A person gives them money, willingly, but it's still weird because that person is scared of them"
"Well it can be either a bribe, or that person has a loan. In both situations, it doesn't matter that the people taking money are gangsters, because that person got into this situation himself. Or herself"
Mari's breath hitch. Only Kai hears it. He doesn't know if it's because he's paying double attention or because Donghae is tipsy.
"Okay, then a different situation" Kai says. "We have a father and a son" he makes some gestures with his hands. He's sitting facing Donghae, his side in front of the couner. "Father has a lone. Can he pass it to his kid?"
"If the kid is of age, yes" Donghae nods. "Why are you suddenly so curious about it? Did your father-"
"No, no" Kai waves his hand at him. "Okay, but, can you give the loan back to the father?"
"He would have to sing some papers again. Otherwise it's impossible"
"But doesn't that mean that the son had to sign some papers too, when he wa taking over his father's loan?" he glances at Mari.
"Yes, of course"
And the red-haired looks utterly shocked and hurt. She's suddenly gone at the back, Kibum shouting after her. Only then Donghae looks at the bartenders. Not knowing what has happened, he ignores the ruckus.
"But why are you asking me this?" he asks. "Does your friends-"
His voice is cut out again. This time by his cell phone.
Donghae pulls it out of his pocket and smiles at the screen.
"It's my brother" he says and clicks a green button. "Hey, Suho"
Kai almost falls from his chair.
How could he be so stupid?
He remembers Suho talking about his brother, he remembers him saying his goddamn name, and he knows why Donghae seemed to familiar to him. That's because he's like Suho's copy, only a little bit less worried about everything and everything and a little less awkward.
Kai drinks his coke in a quick gulp. He has to use the bathroom. But he waits until Donghae is done talking with his friend (damnit?!) and faces him.
"You're Suho's brother" he says. Donghae looks alarmed then. Like he doesn't trust Kai at all. It's a bit scary. He swallows hard. "I'm... I'm Kai"
Donghae frowns deeply and then his face softens.
"You live with him" he states. Kai nods.
There's silence between them.
"Looks like we're both heads" Donghae mumbles under his nose, and Kai, iddly, chuckles.
"I knew that you're similiar to someone I know" he admits. Donghae's expression is hard again, and very confused.
"But I've never seen him on any trail?" he says, asks, Kai isn't sure. He's hurt anyway.
"He never came to any of it" Kai says. "I asked him not to"
The cop's face softens again.
"I didn't want him to know all of it. It's not that I don't trust him, I do, it's just... Only two people in my life knows, well beside my mom, so it's... It's just not something I like to share. He knows that something has been up, hell, he take scare of my mom - he's great by the way - and he helped me a lot. He's always there, and he's an excellent cooker, and I can even forgive him his brotherly attitude because he makes the best pancakes in the world".
(Well, besides Mari's pancakes obviously)
Donghae seems totally proud when he tells him this. He has a dopey smile on his face and he orders another scotch. Kai chuckles again, earning a suspicious glance from Kibum, who shows up to pour Donghae a drink.
Mari is nowhere to be seen, and Kai gets nervous until there's a hint of red around the doors in the back. He drinks another glass of coke and emerges to the bathroom.
*
When he comes back home it's already after 2 am, and he feels tired. He heven't eaten, so he goes to the fridge. He finds pop tarts at some point and stuff his mouth with them, when there's a flick of light and he turns instantly.
Suho is standing on the doorframe, looks worried and pissed in the same time, with his arms crossed on his chest. He's in pyjamas already (white t-shirt and flannel pants), which doesn't make him really intimidating, but is still suspicous. He feels his stomach tangle with nervousness and the pop tarts are making their way out. Kai must've got green on the face, because Suho looks only worried now, and makes his way towards the younger man.
"Hey, hey, don't worry, I'm not here to scold you or something" he says, patting Kai's back awkwardly. "But man, you're so nervous and... lately I've... I don't know why I-"
He can't find words and Kai doesn't really want him to. He puts away his newly found food. He's not hungery anymore. He wants to vomit now. He shuts his eyes.
"I'm just worried" Suho says. "I heard that... I heard that Donghae is the one who was taking care of your case" he admits slowly. Kai nods shortly. "Kai, I know that it was hard for you, it still is, your mom is really tired too, she probably feels the same way you do. But you can't blame yourself forever. I don't exactly know what happened in the past, but it's the past. You don't have to go back to it. People make mistakes"
Kai thinks that Suho probably never makes mistakes. He's a ing walking perfection. He gets jealous about his life and how easy it is for him to help others and to be a ray of sunshine. He's jealous because Suho never lost anybody, because he's smart and kind, and everybody likes him. And Kai? Kai was a cocky bastard most of his life, and now he's a depressed, melancholic boy without a proper job and future. He also put his father in jail, for a record. He really doesn't want to hear those words coming from Suho's lips, no matter how honest they are. But he doesn't say a word, just nods along with Suho's talking, not totally listening to him, but letting his words sink in anyway.
"Kai", Suho says, as if he knows that Kai is only picking out every two words. Kai glanced up at him, and Suho is worried. "You can talk to me. Tell me whatever you want. I want to know. I want to help"
Kai knows that. So he pats Suho's shoulder and nods.
Then he passes him and goes to his room, turning on the lights, scared of sitting in the darkness.
*
He wakes up one Saturday. It's light in the room. He glances at his phone to see that it's ten after nine in the morning. He frowns, because he realizes that he didn't wake up from a nightmare.
Which doesn't change the fact that he's slept three hours only.
He climbs out of his bed. He goes downstairs, straight to the fridge, and finds orange juice in the corner of the doors. He pulls it out and gulps down half of the carton. When he closes the fridge, he's taken into a crushing hug, and almost loses any ability to breath.
At first he's a bit startled, then he sees it's Taemin, and his heart swells with affection and fondness, and he's incredibly happy to see him, because Taemin was really busy lately. Also, he looks just as tired as Kai, which makes him smile somehow.
"Oh dude, I missed you" Taemin mumbles, his voice muffled my Kai's shoulder. Kai hugs him back, because it feels good, comforting, warm and very... stable. Taemin, doesn't matter how skinny he looks, has an impressive set of muscles. They flex under his smooth skin. Kai thinks about going to the gym soon, and is a bit taken aback with the thought. He spend the last two years being a lazy .
"Me too" Kai admits. Taemin takes a step back, but his hand doesn't leave Kai's shoulder. He's smiling widely, his cheeks puffing. He's in his pajamas too. His face changes a bit then, from beaming to more peaceful and a little bit suspicious. Mostly worried though.
"Suho is worried about you. I know what happened with your mom, too. It's hard not to notice you two, acting all weird around each other" Taemin says, and Kai knows that his best friend wants to use a different word than weird. "And we have to talk"
It's the tone Kai can't win against with. He growls and takes a step back. That doesn't discourage Taemin even one bit.
"We're both going to take a shower, wear something nice, go to eat breakfast - pancakes most probably - hang out in the park an at the mall, go to the cinema and then we're going to sit on the bench outside the musem and comment on every person passing and make assumptions about their lifes like Sherlock and Watson"
Kai frowns at him.
"Which one am I?" he asks, and Taemin grins at him, pulls him into a quick hug again and goes upstairs to take a shower.
*
They end up doing excatly what Taemin said they would. When they sit outside the museum, the sun is setting already and it's chilly, but they're both warmed up thanks to hot chocolate that they're currenly drinking. One of the grossest hot chocolates he's tasted, if he has to be honest, but the fact that he shares it with Taemin makes it edible.
"Wow, that one totally needs someone to get that stick out of his " Taemin says, pointing at some guy in a suit. Kai scoffs and laughs.
"Yeah, but you know, not every office kind-of-guy has to be a douche" he remarks. Taemin rolls his eyes.
"They're all jerks" he says. "Believe me, I've met them"
Kai shots him a glance.
"Don't ask" Taemin sips on his chocolate and winces at the taste. Kai smirks.
He can feel the talk coming on, so he takes a deep breath, finishes his cup, throws it into a trash bin and turns towards the older boy.
"Okay, I'm listening" he says. As on cue, Taemin throws his chocolate out too, and leans closer, so they can freely talk about whatever they want without anyone hearing it, and also without looking like boyfriends.
"You did a good thing about your father. And there's no need for you to feel guilty about it, because it doesn't make sense at tell" Taemin says. His words are weirdly assuring and Kai finds himself hungrily listening to them, swallowing them. "I've seen your father, Kai. I've been there so many times. And you did a good thing. Your mother is torn, yes, but she's mostly also getting happier everyday. She also wants to start working, or even get an apartment. I know, she told me"
She never told anyhing like this to Kai. But again, they haven't talked for the past month (besides a few exchanges that left Kai breathless and guilty or broken of course), and Taemin is, basically, their Hermes. Which means they both know about each other's lifes but without them talking to each other about it.
"And she's getting peaceful. She's finally getting some rest, Kai, and that's all thanks to you. I won't give you about your father or your little sister, I can't. But I can tell you that it's going to be okay, because your mom is getting happier, and she cares about you, and she feels bad about treating you like some kind of a deliquent. She wants you back. You're messed up for life, we both know it". Kai winces at his words. They sting in his heart. "But that doesn't mean that you can't get fixed" Taemin adds, his voice strong and confident. "You've already changed. I don't know why, how, who did this, but you're smiling more, and you're joking again, and you're being cocky all over again. And I kind of missed this side of you"
"You will regret your words" Kai says, and earns a soft laugh from his hyung.
"Yep", he says, grinning. "I will"
Kai shoves him lightly on the arm.
"But really" Taemin looks up at him. "Whoever it is, thank this person from me"
Mari's face pops out in front of his eyes and he lets his heart sink into the fondness he has for her. He takes a deep breath, nods, and is confused by the outburst of emotion he gets after that. This time his heart feels at ease and very warm.
"But seriously now, that chocolate was awful, ew. Let's go buy some hot dogs or something before I throw up" Taemin says, stretching out his sore limbs, and Kai throws his head back in a honest laugh.
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Unbeta'd, like always /sigh
My summer vacation are slowly ending, but I hope that I will be able to write more chapters that I can put here when I won't have time to write the new ones ;~~; Thank you for your patience anyway guys you're great
My summer vacation are slowly ending, but I hope that I will be able to write more chapters that I can put here when I won't have time to write the new ones ;~~; Thank you for your patience anyway guys you're great
And also, omgg, this fic has more than 100 subscribers! Thank you guys so much! It means a world to me that you're actually enjoying it, also, thanks to any person who votes for the story, it makes me unbelievably happy you don't even know.
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